When I got home Liz was in the living room, painting her toenails. I sat down next to her on the couch and just blurted it out, “I’m pregnant.”
She stopped, put the polish down and held her arms open. I fell into them and with my head on her shoulder I cried. I don’t know how long we sat there like that, but when I finally pulled myself together I pulled myself up and said, “I’m sorry.”
She smiled. “I’m sorry for you, honey. I know you’re not ready for this. What are you going to do?”
“I’m not sure, Liz. I know for sure I could never have an abortion, so I suppose I’m having a baby, but beyond that, I just don’t know.”
“Don’t get mad…”
“I won’t. I’ve already considered that it could possibly be Alex’s baby. I won’t know for sure until I go to the doctor and find out how far along I am. God Liz, I’m such a mess.”
She put an arm around me and said, “You are not. Lots of pregnancies are mistakes. Mistakes happen and sometimes beautiful things are born from them. If you keep the baby, I have no doubt that you’ll be an incredible mother. If you decide to put it up for adoption, I’ll be here with you for it all, okay?”
I nodded. “You’re a great friend. Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Do you think Alex will think I did this to trap him? You know, to get his money… I mean, if the baby turns out to be his.”
“Without really knowing him, I just couldn’t say. But I will say that rich people think differently about things than we do, so it’s possible.”
“Maybe I should just tell Jason it’s his and leave Alex out of it.”
“Is that a better option though? Have you even talked to Jason?”
“No, not since the text that day. But, I wouldn’t be asking him for anything… I wouldn’t ask either of them for anything. It would just be less complicated if everyone thought the baby was Jason’s.”
“Probably, but tell me something…”
“What’s that?”
“How strong are your feelings for Alex?”
I thought about trying to lie to her, but it never worked. She knew me too well, so there was no point. “They’re there,” I told her. “And they’re strong.”
“So maybe he feels the same and he’ll be thrilled about the baby.”
“I’m the maid, Liz.”
“So what? You have to stop putting yourself down. You’re an amazing person. You’re beautiful and smart and funny… I count myself very lucky to be your friend.”
“I wish you were the father,” I told her. We laughed and I cried again. Finally, I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up a few hours later, Liz had covered me up with the afghan and left me a note telling me she’d gone out with some girls from work. She was such a worry-wart that at the bottom of the note it said, “Do Not Hesitate To Call If You Need Me!” She really is a good friend. I got up and went in to do my nightly ritual of face washing and moisturizing etc. The whole time, I kept wondering if I should call Jason and at least feel him out about the baby. Like I said, I wasn’t expecting us to get back together and I wasn’t going to ask him for anything, but I had this silly idea that if I told him, he’d be so happy that he’d want to be a part of it and then I wouldn’t have to think about giving him or her away to strangers. I’d known I was pregnant for less than twenty-four hours and that thought already made my heart ache. That maternal instinct thing is strong.
I went out to the living room and picked up my phone. I quickly rang Jason before I changed my mind. He answered on the first ring. That was a good sign, he wasn’t screening me out.
“Hi Vicki! I was just thinking about you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to call and see how you’re doing with all of this. Work has just kind of been a nightmare. You know how that goes.” More so than he’ll ever know.
“Yeah, how are you otherwise?”
“I’m doing okay otherwise. What about you?”
“I’m hanging in there…”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“I was at first,” I said. “Mostly I was hurt. I would like to believe that I deserved a little more than a text message break-up, you know?”
“It wasn’t a break up. I just thought we both needed some time.”
“Time for what exactly, Jason?”
“Time to decide if us being together for the long run is what we both want. I know too many people who get married and a year or two later they’re divorced. I don’t want to go through that, Vicki and I don’t want you to have to go through that either.”
“So what have you decided?” I asked him. I was stalling. Maybe telling him wasn’t such a good idea after all. He’s such a selfish jerk sometimes; I did have to wonder what kind of father he would make.
“I love you, Vick. I always will. I hope you know that.” He said that so sweetly that in spite of myself it made me feel warm inside. I started to say it back… out of habit if for no other reason, but I didn’t.
Instead I said, “But not enough that you wanted to be with me?”
“It’s not always just about love babe. I don’t know how to explain it. You do everything right. You’re perfect. I just wasn’t happy.”
That was a fair, honest answer. It might hurt, but he can’t help how he feels. “Thank you for explaining it to me, Jason. It helps a little bit. I actually called you for something else and got sidetracked into that.
“So what’s up?” he asked.
“Um, this is weird and hard… I’m pregnant, Jason.” There was a long, awkward silence. I could hear him breathing, but nothing else.
Finally, just as I was about to forget the whole thing and hang up he said, “Oh wow, yeah, that is weird… I um… I thought you were on the pill…”
“I was. I am. Nothing is a hundred percent though and I’ve been really sick in the mornings so I took a test.”
“A test… like from the pharmacy, over the counter, that kind?”
“Yeah, I bought it this morning…”
“Those tests aren’t always accurate I hear. A buddy of mine had a girlfriend who took three one time and they all came back positive. She went to the doctor and she wasn’t pregnant.”
“Oh, yeah? I was planning on making an appointment; I just haven’t had time yet.”
“Okay, so let me know how that goes. Take care, Vicki.” I was left staring at the phone. Was he serious? “Let me know how it goes.” I put the phone down and lay back down on my bed staring at the ceiling. Maybe it was what I deserved. After all, I wasn’t even sure the baby was his. Ass or not, Jason was right. Before I made any big decisions, I should go to the doctor. I will call first thing in the morning to make an appointment.