Oh, Alex, you don’t have to pretend to be interested in all the little details, it’s OK. And his name is Greg, by the way. You’ve plenty on your mind now so I’ll bore you another time; I just want to let you know that the “big day” won’t be so big. It’s only going to be a small gathering with close friends and family. Greg doesn’t really want anything too OTT and I’m happy enough to go along with that.
Katie is my flower girl/bridesmaid type person and I want you to be my best man. If Greg is allowed to have one then so should I. Please say yes. Sally and Josh are more than welcome too. Make it a family holiday, I bet you haven’t had one of those yet. You can relax and enjoy yourselves because you all deserve it. You can finally spend a few days together as a family.
I won’t go into any detail about the proposal: I knew it was going to happen so it wasn’t that amazing . . .
FROM: Rosie
TO: Stephanie
SUBJECT: So romantic!
Oh Stephanie it was so romantic. I had absolutely no idea he was going to propose! He took me away for the weekend to this tiny little village in the west that I’ve never even heard of so I won’t even attempt to spell it. We stayed in this charming little B&B and we ate in a restaurant called “The Fisherman’s Catch.” The place was empty so we had the entire place to ourselves. The atmosphere was magical and then he proposed over dessert! Then we went for a stroll around the lake and headed back to the B&B, it was low-key and quiet but so romantic!
FROM: Stephanie
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: So romantic
That’s funny, Rosie, because I always thought you said you wanted fireworks and romance, rose petals and violins while your man went down on one knee and proposed in front of a gasping and tearful crowd. Greg’s proposal sounds nice and all but whatever happened to that dream?
FROM: Rosie
TO: Stephanie
SUBJECT: Fireworks and rose petals
Well that kind of thing just isn’t Greg’s style; you know the way he is. It would have seemed silly if Greg hung from a chandelier singing Sinatra while showering red velvety petals over my head (although what a nice thought . . . ). Besides it’s not the proposal that counts, it’s the marriage . . .
Ruby: He proposed to you in Bogger-reef??
Rosie: Yes it’s a cute little village—
Ruby: You HATE cute little villages! You like towns, cities, noise, air pollution, bright lights, rude people, and tall buildings!!
Rosie: But we stayed in this sweet little B&B owned by the nicest—
Ruby: You HATE B&Bs! You are obsessed with hotels. You work in one. You want to run one, own one, and live in one. The biggest treat for you is staying in a hotel and he took you to a crappy B&B in the middle of nowhere.
Rosie: Oh but if you had just seen the little restaurant. It was called “The Fisherman’s Catch” and it had these fishing nets all draped around the ceiling—
Ruby: Oh my god, you HATE fish! You starved Katie’s goldfish until it floated on top of that stinking bowl and then you flushed him down the toilet. You gag whenever you see people eating oysters (which, by the way is very embarrassing in restaurants). You block your nose whenever I eat tuna, you think smoked salmon is the work of the devil, and prawns make you vomit.
Rosie: I had a nice salad thank you very much
Ruby: You always say salad is for rabbits!
Rosie: Anyway, we finished the evening by strolling hand in hand in the moonlight alongside the lake—
Ruby: You LOVE the SEA. You want to live on a beach. You secretly want to be a mermaid. You think lakes are boring, you say they lack the “drama” of the sea.
Rosie: Oh please stop it Ruby!
Ruby: No! You please stop lying to yourself Rosie Dunne.
Rosie has logged off
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: SOS
Alex, please save me from my family and friends, they are driving me absolutely demented.
You have an instant message from: ALEX
Alex: Snap. What’s the problem?
Rosie: I don’t really want to talk about it. I want to take my mind off them.
Alex: That’s fair enough, I can understand that. This is a nice distraction for me too. So why don’t you tell me about this proposal that what’s-his-name “performed” for you.
Rosie: OK . . . here I go again. Greg took me to a quiet little village down the country. We stayed in a gorgeous little B&B. We ate in a lovely restaurant called “The Fisherman’s Catch.” He proposed while I had my mouth full of chocolate profiteroles, I said yes, we took a walk along the lake and watched the moon shimmering along the water. Isn’t that romantic?
Alex: Yes, romantic.
Rosie: That’s all you have to say?? Two words on one of the most important nights of my life?!
Alex: Could have been better.
Rosie: How much better? What would you have done to make it so much better? I’m just dying to know! Everyone seems to think they know me so much better than I know myself so go ahead, humor me!
Alex: OK, that sounds like a challenge! Well firstly, I would have brought you to a hotel along the coast so that your suite would have the best sea view in the hotel. You could fall asleep listening to the waves crashing against the rocks, I would sprinkle the bed with red rose petals and have candles lit all around the room, I would have your favorite CD playing quietly in the background.
But I wouldn’t propose to you there. I would bring you to where there was a huge crowd of people so they could all gasp when I got down on one knee and proposed. Or something like that. Note I have italicized all important buzz words.
Rosie: Oh.
Alex: Oh? That’s all you can say? One word for the most important night of our lives? I get down on bended knee and ask that you’ll spend eternity with me and you say, “Oh”? You have to do better than that!
Rosie: OK so that would also be a very nice proposal. Did I go on about proposals so much Alex?
Alex: All the time, my friend. All the time. Anyone who nos you half well would no that is more or less the kind of thing you have always dreamed about. But a weekend in a B&B sounds fine too.
To Alex, Sally, and baby Josh,
DENNIS & ALICE DUNNE
Proudly invite you to the marriage of their beloved daughter
ROSIE TO GREG COLLINS
On April 8th of this year.
CHAPTER 17
Dear Rosie,
So you went ahead and did it. You married what’s-his-name. You looked beautiful Rosie, I was proud to stand beside you at the altar, and I was proud to be there with you on your special day. I was proud to be your best man, but just as you said at my wedding, I wasn’t the best man that day, what’s-his-name was. You both looked great together.
I got the oddest feeling when you turned your back to me to walk down the aisle with Greg. It was a pang of jealousy. Is that normal? Did you get that feeling on my wedding day, or am I going completely crazy? I just kept thinking over and over in my head, “Everything is going to change now, everything is going to change.” Greg is the man for you, now he gets to hear all your secrets, and where does that leave me? It was a weird feeling, Rosie, one that eventually passed but one that was present all the same.
I didn’t dare talk about it to anyone, especially Sally, because then she would be only too delighted to think that her little theory of men and women being unable to be “just friends” was correct. It’s not like I was jealous because I wanted to be your husband, it was just . . . Oh I don’t no how to explain it. I suppose I just felt left out, that’s all.
I’m glad Josh finally got to put his feet on Irish soil, well actually mostly his bum but he’s almost there. I meant to bring him home a long time ago but work got in the way . . . That’s funny, I just referred to Ireland as home, I haven’t done that for quite a while. It felt like home last week. Anyway it was good for Josh to be there, I think Katie was happy enough to mind h
im all week.
She is you, Rosie. The little girl with the raven-colored hair and pale skin is the girl I used to go to school with. It was amazing. Even talking to her I felt like young Alex again. Toby kept a watchful eye over me though; I think he was afraid I would steal his friend away. I felt like I was keeping a watchful eye over him too, because he was stealing my friend away. I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t you.
I’m not quite sure how your plan to unite me, Sally, and Josh went. As you could probably tell, Sally wasn’t in the friendliest of moods during the few days. I thought the break away would help us, but apparently not. It just gave us a chance to talk to each other too much. And that’s not the best thing when neither of you have anything nice to say. I think I can safely say that the honeymoon period is over. We’re together eight years now.
Anyway I hope you and Greg are enjoying your honeymoon and I’m sure this letter will be lying on the mat at home awaiting your arrival. I always thought you wanted to go to an exotic beach location for your honeymoon, I never new you were interested in seeing all the sights around Rome. Although I’m sure they are beautiful, I just thought you were too shallow to care! Just teasing.
Get in touch with me when you get back, prove to me that at least some things never change.
Love,
Alex
Greetings from Rome!
Hi Alex,
Weather warm,
Buildings beautiful. But more importantly: fabulous hotels!
Love,
Rosie x
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: I’m baa-aack!
Just got home a few minutes ago from our honeymoon and I read your letter. You sounded down so I called and guess what? Surprise, surprise, you weren’t there. So I’m e-mailing you once again.
I know I never really liked Sally much, but I want you two to get over whatever it is that’s bothering you. It’s a big change when a baby comes along, I know that only too well, and I can understand that it’s difficult for two people who work harder than anyone I know to deal with a new addition in their lives.
You probably just need time to adjust, but maybe you should go see a counselor or something. God knows it took me long enough to accept that Katie was here to stay, as much as I love her, it was and still is hard work. So do what you do best and get to work on it.
I certainly don’t pretend to be a know-it-all but just stop talking to me about how you feel and start telling Sally. I am always here for you Alex, married woman or un-married woman.
Dear Alex,
I hope you are well. It was good to see you at the wedding, Josh is really cool. Mummy looked lovely and so did you. Me and Toby are fighting. He is ten next week and he thinks he is so cool just because he is a little bit older than me. He didn’t invite me to his birthday party and I didn’t even do anything wrong. We had a fight last week about whos turn it was to go first on the computer and I went first even though I remembered I went first the last time but I don’t think he remembered so he is not mad at me about that. I did not do anything else wrong.
Mum called around to Toby’s mum to see why but she does not no either. Toby will not talk to me. I hate him. I will make a new best friend. Mum told me to write to you and tell you because you are my godfather and no stuff about this.
Mum thinks that it is really really mean of Toby and that I will be motionally scared when I grow up, from the xperience of not being invited to a birthday party. She says you no what she means.
Love,
Katie
Dearest Katie,
Your wise and extremely intelligent mother is correct, as always. I agree that Toby is being terribly cold and calculative. It is an awful thing for anyone to do to a person, to not invite your best friend to your tenth birthday party. I do believe it should be a crime. He is selfish and it is an unforgivable act that will haunt him for years to come no doubt, maybe even until he is nearly thirty years old in fact.
I think that there is no punishment bad enough to inflict on him and he should not get away with this. Toby has shown no mercy, has been immature and very very . . . bold. So tell your mother and tell Toby that I shall do my very best to make sure that he and I redeem ourselves so that we can walk down the road with our heads held high.
Love,
Alex
Dear Alex,
That was a weird letter. I don’t know what it ment but mum says that Toby is even worse than all the things you said. But she was laughing when she read the letter so I don’t no if she means it. I don’t think Toby is that bad.
You two are weirdoes.
Love,
Katie x
Dear Toby,
It’s Alex here (Katie’s mum’s friend from America).
I heard that you’re going to be ten next week, happy birthday! I no you probably think that me writing to you is really weird but I heard that you didn’t invite Katie to your party and I couldn’t believe my ears.
Katie is your best friend! I no for a fact that your party won’t be much fun without Katie there. It happened to me before. I no that you will be watching the door like a hawk, just hoping that she will walk into the room so you can enjoy yourself. Who cares if your best friend is a girl? Who cares if the other guys laugh? At least you have a best friend and trust me on this, it’s really hard to live your life without a best friend especially if you’re in boring school with Ms. Big Nose Casey giving out to you all day. If you don’t invite Katie then you will really hurt her feelings and that’s not very nice.
It’s the best thing in the world to have a best friend—even if she is a girl. Let me no how you get on.
Alex
PS: Hope you can buy something nice for yourself with this present . . .
FROM: Toby
TO: Katie
SUBJECT: KNOW not NO
Your mum’s friend spells “know” wrong just like you. He says NO instead of KNOW. By the way, do you wanna come to my party next week?
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: Dunne Women
Very clever, Mr. Stewart, but you haven’t quite redeemed yourself yet. We Dunne women are pretty hard to please, you know . . .
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Done Woman
So I see. You’re a done woman alright. Well, I have a theory that I wish to share with you. Shall I?
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: Theory Shmeory
If you must. I might read it if I have time.
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: My theory
Yes I must and you will read it. OK, if I had invited you to my tenth birthday party then Brian the Whine wouldn’t have been invited. If Brian hadn’t gone then he wouldn’t have thrown pizza all over James’s sleeping bag and if he hadn’t done that and completely ruined my party then you and I wouldn’t have hated him so much. If you and I hadn’t hated him so much then you wouldn’t have had to drink so much in order to be able to accompany him to the debs. If you hadn’t have done that . . . well . . . perhaps you wouldn’t have been quite so drunk and your darling little Katie wouldn’t have been born. Therefore I did you a favor!
And that, Rosie Dunne, is my theory.
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: My Theory
Very clever, Alex, very, very, clever. But you needn’t have gone that far back to accept responsibility for Katie. Here’s my theory.
Had I not been stood up by you at the debs, I wouldn’t have had to go with Brian the Whine at all. Had you showed up at the airport that day our lives could have turned out very differently.
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Life
Yeah, that’s something I’m beginning to wonder about.
Ruby: They WHAT??? They split up??
Rosie: Yeah, they’re finished. Sad isn’t it?
Ruby:
Well not really actually. Why did they split up?
Rosie: Irreconcilable differences. Isn’t that what people always say?
Ruby: Not in my case, mine was a lazy cheating bastard. So who has Josh?
Rosie: Sally took him and went to stay with her parents.
Ruby: Oh poor Alex. So come on spill the beans.
Rosie: Well I don’t know everything—
Ruby: Liar. Alex tells you everything which is probably the reason in itself.
Rosie: Excuse me; please do not accuse me of being the reason for his marriage breakup. That is very insulting. It was a million little things that all finally blew up in their faces.
Ruby: So when are you going over to him?
Rosie: Next week.
Ruby: Are you planning on coming back?
Rosie: RUBY! QUIT IT!
Ruby: Oh OK, OK. It’s sad though isn’t it?
Rosie: Yes it is. Alex is devastated.
Ruby: No I didn’t mean that. The irony of it all makes me sad, I can’t even imagine how you must feel.
Rosie: What irony?
Ruby: Oh you know . . . you wait and wait for years for him until you finally give up and move on with your life. You eventually decide to marry Greg and weeks later, Alex splits up with Sally. You know, you two have the worst timing ever . . . When will you ever learn to catch up with each other?
CHAPTER 18
YOU ARE 1 TODAY!
MAY YOUR SPECIAL DAY BE LOTS OF FUN,
IT’S NOT EVERY DAY A BOY IS ONE!
WE LOVE OUR LITTLE SPECIAL BOY,