CHAPTER 6
Alex,
It was good to see you again. Please don’t be a stranger. I’m really going to need all the friends I can get right now. Thank you for being so supportive last week, I honestly think I will go mad without you sometimes.
Life is funny isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something, and feel like you know what direction you’re heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is west, and you’re lost. It is so easy to lose your way, to lose direction. And that’s with following all the signposts.
There aren’t many sure things in life, but one thing I know for sure is that you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. You have to follow through on some things.
I always give up, Alex. What have I ever had to do in my life that really needed to be done? I always had a choice, and I always took the easy way out—we always took the easy way out. At our age the burden of double maths on a Monday morning and finding a spot the size of Pluto on my nose was as complicated as it ever got for me.
This time round I’m having a baby. A baby. And that baby will be around on the Monday, on the Tuesday, on the Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I have no weekends off. No three-month holidays. I can’t take a day off, call in sick, or get Mum to write a note. I am going to be the mum now. I wish I could write myself a note.
I’m scared, Alex.
Rosie
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Baby talk
No, it’s no double maths on a Monday morning. It will be far more exciting than that. Double maths on a Monday morning is boring; it makes you sleep and gives you a headache.
A baby will fill you with love and pride, make you laugh, make you cry, make you strong, and help you to be more independent. You will learn far more from this experience than a maths class.
I am here for you for whenever you need me. Boston College can wait for you, Rosie, because you have far more important work to do now.
I no you will be just fine
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: Re: Baby talk
You KNOW I will be fine. Watch the spelling, Mr. Stewart.
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: Baby talk
Rosie, already acting like a mother. Take care, Alex.
You have an instant message from: ALEX
Alex: I thought you said you’d keep an eye on her for me Phil.
Phil: I told you, if she didn’t learn to control her bladder she’d be out of here. She’s fine in the garden.
Alex: Not the dog Phil, I’m talking about Rosie.
Phil: What about Rosie?
Alex: Stop pretending you don’t no. I heard mum and dad tell you over the phone.
Phil: How do you feel about it?
Alex: Everyone keeps asking me that and I have no idea. It’s weird. Rosie is pregnant. She’s just turned eighteen. She can barely take care of herself let alone a baby. She smokes like a chimney and refuses to eat greens. She stays awake till 4 am and sleeps till one o’clock in the day. She chose to take a job washing pots and pans at the Chinese take-away for less money than what her neighbors were offering for babysitting. She always said she didn’t want to have kids till she was forty. I don’t think she’s changed a nappy in her life. Apart from Kevin, I don’t think she’s ever held a baby for more than five minutes. What about college? What about working? How the hell is she going to manage? How will she meet someone? How will she make friends? She’s just trapped herself into a life that’s her worst nightmare.
Phil: Believe me Alex, she’ll learn. Her parents are supporting her aren’t they? She won’t be alone.
Alex: Her mum and dad will be at work all day Phil. She’s an intelligent person, I no that. But as much as she tries to convince me, I’m not quite sure she’s convinced herself that when the crying starts, she can’t hand this one back. If only I’d gotten on that flight and made it to the debs.
Dear Stephanie,
Let me help you find yourself. Allow my words of wisdom to rain down on you and shower you with knowledge. From one sister who greatly loves and respects you and wishes for nothing but happiness and great fortune in your life, please take my advice. Never get pregnant. Or “enceinte” as you would say over there. Look at the word, say it out loud, familiarize yourself with it, repeat it in your head, and learn to never ever want to be it.
In fact, never have sex. Might as well try to completely eradicate the odds. Trust me Steph, it is not pleasant. I’m not feeling at all at one with nature, I’m not radiating any sort of magical motherly signals, I’m just fat. And bloated. And tired. And sick. And wondering what on earth I am going to do when this little one is born and looks at me and I shrug back.
Glowing, my bum. Smoldering is more like it. Alex has started his wonderful life in college, people who were at school with me are out tasting what the world has to offer. I know it’s my own fault but I feel like I’m missing out on so much. I’ve been going to these prenatal classes with Mum where they teach me how to breathe. All around me I’m surrounded by couples. They’re all at least ten years older than me as well. Mum tried to start me chatting with them but I don’t think any of them are too interested in becoming friends with an eighteen-year-old just out of school. Honestly it’s like some sort of play group and Mum keeps trying to teach me how to make friends. Mum told me not to worry because they were just jealous of me. I don’t think the two of us have laughed so much for months.
I’m not allowed to smoke and the doctor says I have to start eating my greens. I’m going to be a mother and I’m still being spoken to like a child.
Lots of love,
Rosie
Mr. Alex Stewart,
You are invited to the christening of my beautiful baby daughter Katie, as you are the godfather. It’s this day month. Buy a suit and try and look presentable for a change.
Lots of love,
Rosie
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Christening
It was great to see you, you look amazing! And you are NOT fat! Little Katie was a girl of few words but I am besotted with her. I almost felt like stealing her and bringing her back over to Boston.
In fact that’s a lie, I really felt like staying in Dublin. I almost didn’t get back on that flight. I love it here in Boston and I love studying medicine. But it’s not home. Dublin is home. Being back with you felt like home. I miss my best friend.
I’ve met some great guys here, but I didn’t grow up with any of them playing cops and robbers in my back garden. I don’t feel like they are real friends. I haven’t kicked them in the shins, stayed up all night on Santa watch with them, hung from trees pretending to be monkeys, played hotel, or laughed my heart out as their stomachs were pumped. It’s kind of hard to beat that.
However I can see that I have already been replaced. That little Katie is your whole world now. And it’s easy to see why. I even loved her when she threw up on my (new and very expensive) suit. That must mean something. It’s weird to see how much she looks like you. What’s that like? She has your twinkling blue eyes (I sense trouble ahead!) and jet black hair and a little button nose.
I no that you are incredibly busy at the moment but if you ever need a break from it all, you’re welcome to come over here and relax. I know things are tricky for you financially so we could help out with the cost of the flights. Let me no when you want to come, the invitation is always open. Mum and Dad would love you to come over too, they’ve got photos of the christening all around the house.
There’s also somebody I would like you to meet. She’s in my class in college, her name is Sally Gruber. You would both get along. She’s from Boston. When you come over you have to meet her.
College is a lot tougher than I thoug
ht it would be. There’s just so much studying to do; so much reading. I barely have a social life. I’ve got four years here in Harvard then I’ve to do about five to seven years in a general surgical residency so I’m estimating that I’ll be fully qualified in my specialized field (whatever that will be) by the time I’m one hundred years old.
So that’s all I do here. I wake up at five a.m. and study. Go to college, come home and study. Every day. Not much more to report really. It’s really tough. But then I don’t need to tell you that. I bet it’s a hell of a lot easier than what you’re doing right now. Anyway, I’m going to sleep now, I’m shattered. Sweet dreams to you and baby Katie.
Note to self:
Do not bounce Katie on knee after feeding.
Do not breast feed beside football pitch.
Do not inhale when changing nappy. In fact allow Mum and Dad or even random strangers to change nappy as often as possible if they so wish.
Do not push buggy by old school for Ms. Big Nose Smelly Breath Casey to see.
Do not laugh when Katie falls on her bum after attempting to walk.
Do not try to have conversation with old friends from school with whole lives ahead of them, as this will result in huge frustration.
Stop crying when Katie cries.
Bonjour Stephanie!
How’s my beautiful sister doing? Sitting in a café drinking a café au lait wearing a beret and a stripy top while stinking of garlic, no doubt! Oh, who says stereotypes are dead and gone!
Thanks for the present you sent Katie. Your goddaughter says she misses you very much, and she sends lots of drool and sloppy kisses your way. I think I could make those words out of the screaming and wailing bellowing out of her tiny little mouth. Honestly I don’t know where all the noise comes from. She is the tiniest and most fragile little thing I have ever seen, sometimes I’m afraid to hold her but then she opens her mouth and all hell breaks loose. The doctor says she’s colicky. All I know is that so she doesn’t stop screaming.
It’s amazing how something so small can be so smelly and so noisy. I think she should go into the Guinness book of records for being the smelliest noisiest smallest thing ever. What a proud mother I would be.
I’m so knackered, Stephanie. I feel like a complete zombie. I can barely read the words I’m writing (apologies for mashed banana on bottom of page). Katie just cries and cries and cries through the night. I have a constant headache. All I do is wander around the house like a robot picking up teddy bears and toys that I trip over. It’s hard to bring Katie anywhere because she just screams wherever we are; I’m afraid people think I’m kidnapping her or being a terrible mother. I look like a balloon. All I wear are the most unflattering tracksuits. My bum is huge. My stomach is covered in stretch marks, I’ve flab that won’t seem to go away no matter how much I shout at it and I’ve thrown all my belly tops out. My hair is dry and feels like straw. My tits are HUGE. I don’t look like me. I don’t feel like me. I feel like I’m about 20 years older. I haven’t been out since the christening. I can’t remember the last time I had a drink. I can’t remember the last time a member of the opposite sex even looked my way. (Except the people who glare at me angrily in cafés when Katie starts to scream.) I can’t remember the last time I even cared about a member of the opposite sex not staring at me. I think I am the world’s worst mother. I think that when Katie looks at me she knows that I haven’t a clue what I’m doing.
She’s almost walking now, which means I’m running around saying “NO! KATIE NO! Katie do not touch that! NO! Katie, Mummy says NO!” I don’t think Katie cares about what Mummy thinks. I think Katie is a girl who sees something she wants and she goes for it. I dread the teenage years! I can’t believe she’s one already. Time moves so fast! She’ll be grown up and moving out before I know it. Maybe then I’ll have some silence. But then again that’s what Mum and Dad thought. Poor Mum and Dad. Steph, I feel so bad. They have been so fantastic. I owe them so much and I don’t just mean money. Although, there’s another depressing situation. I get benefits and all and I’m paying them as much as I possibly can each week. It never feels like enough and you know the situation, Steph, things were always tight for us as it was. I don’t know how I’m ever going to move out and work and look after Katie. Dad and me are going to some clinic during the week to talk to some welfare guy about me getting a place. Mum keeps saying that I can stay with her and Dad but I know Dad’s just trying to help me. Anyway that’s for another day.
Mum has been fabulous. Katie loves her. Katie listens to her. When Mum says “NO KATIE!” Katie knows to stop. When I say it, Katie laughs and keeps going. I think I am the world’s worst mother.
Alex has met someone over in Boston, she’s the same age as me and studying at Harvard. But is she really happy? Probably is. Anyway I have to go, Katie is wailing for me.
Write soon.
Love,
Rosie
To Rosie,
I’m glad all is well with Katie; the photos you sent of her on her third birthday are beautiful. I framed them and they take pride of place in the house. Mum and Dad were delighted to see you when they visited Dublin, they can’t stop talking about you and Katie, we’re all so proud of you.
Happy 21st! Sorry I couldn’t make it home to celebrate with you, but things have been crazy at college. Because it’s my final year here there’s just been so much work to do. I’m dreading the final exams. If I fail I don’t no what I’ll do. Sally was asking after you, I no you’ve never met but she feels like she nos you from me talking about our old times so much.
From Alex
To Alex
Katie’s teething is really bad lately
Katie is starting playschool soon
Katie said grandma today
It was dad’s 50th last weekend so we splashed out and went out for dinner to the Hazel restaurant where I believe you went with slutty Bethany and her rich parents all those years ago for your 17th. It was good to be able to let my hair down and relax without Katie. I hired a babysitter, so that was my treat for the weekend.
Rosie
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: (none)
Ah come on Rosie! You’re letting the side down! You better have something to tell me about next time!
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: 3-year-old child
In case you didn’t know, I have a 3-year-old child which makes it rather difficult for me to go out and drink myself silly, otherwise I wake up with an awful headache and a screaming child who needs me to look after her and NOT to be sticking my head down the toilet.
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Sorry
Rosie, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to come across as being insensitive. I just meant that you should remember that you need to enjoy life too. Look after yourself and not just Katie. Sorry if I hurt you.
FROM: Rosie
TO: Stephanie
SUBJECT: A moment to whinge
Oh Stephanie, sometimes I just feel like the walls are closing in on me. I’m only 23 and I feel like I’m 43. I love Katie. I’m glad I made the decision I made, but I’m tired.
So bloody tired. All of the time.
And that’s how I feel with Mum and Dad helping me. I don’t know how I’m going to cope on my own. And I’m going to have to do that—I can’t live with Mum and Dad forever. Although I really want to.
I wouldn’t want Katie depending on me so much when she’s older. Of course I want her to know that I’m here for her always and that my love is absolutely unconditional, but she needs to be independent.
I need to be independent. I think it’s time for me to grow up now Steph. I’ve been putting it off, running away from it for so long. Katie will be starting school soon. Imagine! My baby starting school. It’s all happening so quickly. Katie will be meeting new people and beginning her life and I have left mine behind. I need to pick myself up and stop feeling so sorry fo
r myself. Life is hard, so what?
It’s hard for everyone isn’t it? Anyone who says it’s easy is a liar. There’s this huge divide between me and Alex right now because I feel like we’re living in such different worlds, I don’t know what to talk about with him anymore. And we used to be able to talk all night. He phones once a week and I listen to what he’s been up to during the week and try to bite my tongue every time I go into another Katie story. Truth is I have nothing other to talk about but her and I know it bores people. I think I used to be interesting once upon a time.
Anyway I’ve decided I’m going to visit Boston finally. I’m going to finally face up to what my life could have been like had Alex gotten on that plane and made it to the debs with me instead of . . . well you know who. I could have a degree now. I could have been a career woman. I know it seems silly to put all that’s happened down to the fact that Alex couldn’t make it to the debs but if he had come then I wouldn’t have gone with Brian. I wouldn’t have slept with Brian and there would be no baby. I think I need to face what I could have been in order to understand and accept what I am.
All my love,
Rosie
CHAPTER 7
Stephanie,
Honey it’s Mum here. I was wondering if you would be able to get in touch with Rosie and maybe have a word with her. She just returned from Boston a week earlier than expected and she seems a bit upset about something, though she won’t say what it is. I was afraid this would happen. I know she feels like she has missed out on huge opportunities, I just wish she could see the positive side to what she has now. Will you get in touch with her? She always loves hearing from you.