MUM HAS A NEW FREIND. THEY WORK IN THE SAME BUILDING BUT NOT IN THE SAME OFFICE. THEY MET OUTSIDE IN THE COLD BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO SMOKE OUTSIDE. MUM SAYS SHE IS THE BEST FREIND SHE HAS HAD FOR AGES. HER NAME IS RUBY AND SHE IS REAL FUNNY. I LIKE WHEN SHE COMES OVER. SHE AND MUM ARE ALWAYS LAFFING. I LIKE IT WHEN RUBY IS HERE BECAUSE MUM DOESN’T CRY.
IT IS REAL SUNNY NOW IN DUBLIN. ME AND MUM HAVE BEEN TO THE BEACH A FEW TIMES. I AM LEARNING TO SWIM. BUT I HAVE TO KEEP MY ARMBANDS ON IN THE SEA. MUM SAYS SHE WANTS TO LIVE ON THE BEACH. SHE SAYS SHE WOULD LIKE TO LIVE IN THE SEA SHELLS! OUR NEW FLAT IS IN THE CITY AND I LIKE IT.
WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO SEE US? MUMMY SAYS YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED TO A GIRL NAMED BIMBO. THAT’S A FUNNY NAME.
LOVE,
KATIE
CHAPTER 9
You have an instant message from: RUBY
Ruby: Hey you, happy Monday.
Rosie: Oh great, hold on while I get the champagne.
Ruby: What did you do over the weekend?
Rosie: Oh wait till you hear this! I was just dying to tell you all morning, it’s so exciting! You’ll never believe it, I—
Ruby: I sense sarcasm here. Let me guess: you watched TV.
Rosie: Introducing Ruby . . . and her psychic powers!! I had to listen to it with the volume blaring just to drown out the loving couple next door screaming their ears off each other. Someday they’re going to kill each other. I can’t wait. Poor Katie didn’t know what was going on so I sent her down to stay at Toby’s house.
Ruby: Honestly don’t some people understand the meaning of the word DIVORCE?
Rosie: Ha ha, well, it’s a magic word for you.
Ruby: I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t make fun of a devastatingly difficult time in my life that left me feeling shattered and emotionally distraught.
Rosie: Oh please! Getting that divorce was the happiest day of your life! You bought the most expensive bottle of champagne, went out clubbing, and you snogged the ugliest man in the world . . .
Ruby: Ah well people have their different ways of grieving . . . OK well it was a happier feeling than the one I had on my wedding day . . . The wedding day feeling was kind of “Uh oh . . .”
Rosie: Have you finished typing up all that crap Randy Andy gave us?
Ruby: No I haven’t. Have you?
Rosie: No.
Ruby: Good let’s take a coffee break as a reward. We really shouldn’t overwork ourselves. I hear it’s quite dangerous. Will you bring your fags, I forgot mine.
Rosie: Yep meet you downstairs in five minutes.
Ruby: It’s a date. Gosh how exciting. Neither of us has been on one of them for a while . . .
You have an instant message from: RUBY
Ruby: Where the hell were you? I waited for you in the café for a half an hour!
Rosie: Oh what hell for you Ruby!
Ruby: Yes I had to force myself to eat two chocolate muffins and a slice of apple pie. Oh it was awful Rosie . . . if only you had been there . . .
Rosie: Sorry about that, Randy Andy here wouldn’t let me leave the office.
Ruby: Oh he is such a slave driver! You should complain to head office, get the asshole fired.
Rosie: He is head office.
Ruby: Oh yeah.
Rosie: Well in all fairness Ruby, he may be a prick but we did just take a break an hour ago . . . and it was our third one in less than three hours . . .
Ruby: You are turning into one of THEM!
Rosie: I have a child to feed.
Ruby: As do I.
Rosie: That child feeds himself, Ruby.
Ruby: Ah leave my little fatso alone. He’s my baby and I love him regardless.
Rosie: He’s 17.
Ruby: Yes, and old enough to have a baby of his own, going by your standards . . .
Rosie: Well he’ll be fine as long as he doesn’t go to his school ball with the most uninteresting man in the world with the ugliest face, that way he won’t have to drink a sickening amount of alcohol to trick the brain into thinking that man is beautiful and funny and . . . well you know the rest.
Ruby: Are you suggesting that my son could perhaps have a gay relationship at his debs?
Rosie: No! I was just saying . . .
Ruby: Oh I know what you were saying, except I think that my poor darling son may be the exact person that girls will have to drink excess amounts of alcohol just to love . . .
Rosie: RUBY!! You can’t say that about your son!!
Ruby: Oh, why not, I love him with all my heart but bless him he wasn’t born with his mother’s looks.
Rosie: Ha ha.
Ruby: Anyway so when are you going to ever go out with someone, anyone?
Rosie: Ruby we are not having this conversation again. Everyone you have tried to set me up with has been a complete weirdo! I don’t know where you meet these men and in fact I don’t think I even want to know! Anyway you can’t talk, when exactly was the last time you went out on a date?
Ruby: Ah that’s a very different matter altogether! I’m a woman 10 years your senior who has just been through a very difficult divorce from a selfish little bastard of a man and I have a 17-year-old son who only communicates with me through monosyllabic grunting sounds. I think he is the son of an ape (actually I know he is), I have no time for a man!
Rosie: Well neither do I.
Ruby: Rosie honey, you’re 25 years old, you’ve got at least ten years of your life left before it’s over. You should get out there and enjoy yourself, stop letting the weight of the world rest on your shoulders; that’s my job. And stop waiting for him.
Rosie: Stop waiting for who?
Ruby: For Alex.
Rosie: I don’t know what you’re talking about! I am not waiting for Alex!
Ruby: Yes you are, my dear friend. He must be some man because nobody can ever measure up to him. And I know that’s what you do every time you meet someone: compare. I’m sure he’s a fabulous friend and I’m sure he always says sweet and wonderful things to you. But he’s not here. He’s thousands of miles away working as a doctor in great big hospital and he lives in a fancy apartment with his fancy doctor fiancée. I don’t think he’s thinking of leaving that life anytime soon to come back to a single mother who’s living in a tiny flat working in a crappy part-time job with a crazy friend who e-mails her every second. So stop waiting and move on. Live your life.
Rosie: I am not waiting.
Ruby: Rosie—
Rosie: I have to get back to work now.
Rosie has logged off
Dear Rosie and Katie Dunne,
Shelly and Bernard Gruber proudly invite you to the marriage ceremony of their loving daughter Sally to Alex Stewart.
FROM: Stephanie
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: No way in the world I’m going to that wedding!
I am so angered by your last letter! You cannot miss Alex’s wedding! That would be completely unthinkable!
This is Alex we’re talking about, not some archenemy of yours! Alex, the boy who used to sleep on a sleeping bag on your floor, the boy who used to sneak into my room and read my diary and look through my underwear drawer! Little Alex, who you used to chase down the road and shoot at with a banana for a gun! Alex, who used to sit beside you in class for twelve years, giggle with you all the time and nobody else would ever know why!
He was there for you when you had Katie. He was so supportive throughout the entire thing when I’m sure it was difficult for him to adjust to the fact that little Rosie who slept in a sleeping bag on his floor was having a baby.
Go over to him Rosie. Celebrate this with him. Share in his happiness and excitement. Share it all with Katie. Be happy! Please! I’m sure he needs you right now, this is a huge step for him and he needs his best friend by his side. Learn to get to know Sally too as she is an important person in his life now. Just as he has learned to get to know Katie—the most important person in your life. I know you don’t want to hear it, but
if you don’t go you will be ending what was once and what still is one of the strongest bonds of friendship that I have ever seen.
I know you are embarrassed by what happened a few years ago when you visited, but swallow your pride, hold your chin up. You are going to be at that wedding because Alex wants you to be there for him; you are going to be there because you need to be there for yourself. Make the right decision, Rosie.
Dear Rosie,
Hey there! I have no doubt you have received our wonderful wedding invitation that took Sally about three months to choose. Why, I don’t know, but it seems that a cream-colored invite with a gold border was so much more different than a white invite with a gold border . . . you women . . .
I don’t know if I should be worried or not, but Sally’s mom hasn’t seemed to have received an RSVP from you yet! Now I no I don’t need one from you because I’m just presuming you will be there!
The reason why I am writing and not ringing is because I want to give you time to think about what I’m asking you. Myself and Sally would be honored if you would allow Katie to be our flower girl at the wedding. We would need to no quite soon so that Sally and Katie can pick out a dress.
Whoever thought this would be happening, Rosie?! If someone had told us ten years ago that your daughter would be a flower girl at my wedding we would have just laughed and laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. But it is happening. And I can’t quite believe it.
The second question I have to ask you is the one I’m sure you will need to think about. You are my best friend Rosie; that goes without saying. I have no best friend over here. No one that measures up to what you mean to me; therefore I have no best man. Will you be my best woman? Will you stand beside me at the altar? I no I will definitely need you there! And I trust you will organize a better stag night than any of my male friends over here!
Think about it and let me no. And say yes!
Love to you and Katie,
Alex
You have an instant message from: ROSIE
Rosie: You won’t fucking believe it.
Ruby: You got a date.
Rosie: No, worse than that, Alex has asked me to be his “Best Woman.”
Ruby: I don’t suppose that means you’ll be standing to the left of him in the church??
Rosie: Eh no . . . to the right.
Ruby: What about his brother?
Rosie: He’s an usher or something.
Ruby: Wow so he really is going ahead with it?
Rosie: Yep. Looks like it.
Ruby: I think you should stop waiting for him now, honey.
Rosie: I know. I probably should.
CHAPTER 10
My “Best Woman” speech
Good evening everyone, my name is Rosie and as you can see Alex has decided to go down the non-traditional route of asking me to be his best woman for the day. Except we all know that today that title does not belong to me. It belongs to Sally, for she is clearly his best woman.
I could call myself the “best friend” but I think we all know that today that title no longer refers to me either. That title too belongs to Sally.
But what doesn’t belong to Sally is a lifetime of memories of Alex the child, Alex the teenager, and Alex the almost-a-man that I’m sure he would rather forget but that I will now fill you all in on. (Hopefully they all will laugh.)
I have known Alex since he was five years old. I arrived on my first day of school teary-eyed and red-nosed and a half an hour late. (I am almost sure Alex will shout out “What’s new?”) I was ordered to sit down at the back of the class beside a smelly, snotty-nosed, messy-haired little boy who had the biggest sulk on his face and who refused to look at me or talk to me. I hated this little boy.
I know that he hated me too, him kicking me in the shins under the table and telling the teacher that I was copying his schoolwork was a telltale sign. We sat beside each other every day for twelve years moaning about school, moaning about girlfriends and boyfriends, wishing we were older and wiser and out of school, dreaming for a life where we wouldn’t have double maths on a Monday morning.
Now Alex has that life and I’m so proud of him. I’m so happy that he’s found his best woman and his best friend in perfect little brainy and annoying Sally.
I ask you all to raise your glasses and toast my best friend Alex and his new best friend, best woman, and wife, Sally, and to wish them luck and happiness and divorce in the future.
To Alex and Sally!
OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT. WHAT DO YOU THINK, RUBY?
You have an instant message from: RUBY
Ruby: Gag gag puke puke puke. They’ll all love it. Good luck Rosie. No tears and DO NOT drink.
To Rosie,
Greetings from Seychelles! Rosie, thank you so much for last week! I had such a good time. I never really thought I could actually enjoy my wedding day but you made it so much fun. Don’t worry, I don’t think anyone noticed you were drunk for the entire ceremony (maybe they did for the speech—but it was funny), but I don’t think the priest was too impressed when you hiccupped just as I was about to say “I do!”
I can’t quite remember the stag night but I hear it was a great success, the boys just keep going on and on about it. I think Sally is a little angry that she had to marry a man with one eyebrow and I don’t care what anybody says, I no it was you who did it! All the wedding photos are of the left side of my face but it doesn’t matter because Sally says it’s my best side. Unlike you, who says my best side is the back of my head.
The wedding went really well, didn’t it? I thought I was going to be a bundle of nerves all day but you just made me laugh so much I think it helped to get rid of the nervous energy. Although we shouldn’t really have laughed when the wedding photos were being taken, I doubt we’ll find any decent shots where my face and yours aren’t distorted from laughter. Sally’s family thought you were really terrific. They weren’t really keen on the idea of me having a best woman, to be honest, but Sally’s dad thought you were great. Is it true you made him knock back a shot of tequila?!
My mum and dad were so glad to see you and Katie. It’s funny; they say Katie is exactly how you looked when you were eight. I think Mum kind of kept hoping that it was you and that I was that age again too. She was very teary that day! But they just wouldn’t stop going on and on about how beautiful you looked in that dress! It’s as if you were the bride!
But you did look beautiful, Rosie, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress before (not since you were Katie’s age anyway). Well I suppose I would have seen you in one had I made it to the debs all those years ago. God, listen to me. I sound like an old man reminiscing on years gone by!
Everyone said the best woman speech was brilliant, I think all my friends have a crush on you. And no, you can’t have their phone numbers. By the way Rosie, you were my best woman that day and you still are my best friend. Always will be. Just to let you no.
Married life is going well so far. We’ve only been married ten days so we’ve only had let’s see . . . ten fights. I’m sure somebody told me that was healthy in a relationship . . . I’m not worried. The place we’re staying in is fabulous, which I’m glad about because it’s costing us an absolute fortune. We’re staying in this little wooden hut-type place that’s built on stilts high up over the water. It’s beautiful. The water is that turquoise green color that you can see through right down to the multicolored fish below. It’s paradise; you would love it. Now, this is the hotel you should work at Rosie. Imagine your office being the beach . . .
I would just love to laze on the beach and drink cocktails all day, to be honest, but Sally always has to be doing something so every second I’m being dragged into the sea or I find myself flying in the sky hanging out of some odd contraption. I wouldn’t be surprised if she decides to eat our lunch while scuba-diving.
Anyway I bought you and Katie presents so I hope they arrived to your house safely and that they weren’t crushed in the post. They
’re supposed to be a kind of a good luck charm over here but I no you always loved collecting shells on the beach when we were kids so now you can wear the prettiest ones around your neck.
Well I better go, apparently people aren’t even supposed to send postcards while they’re on their honeymoon, never mind writing novels for letters (according to Sally—so I must go). I think she wants to do something crazy like be dragged around on water skis by a dolphin.
God help me, what have I gotten myself into?!!
Love,
Alex
PS: I miss you!
You have an instant message from: RUBY
Ruby: I spotted you out the window coming into work, what the hell are you wearing around your neck? Is it shells?
Rosie: It brings luck.
Ruby: Uh-huh. Any luck yet?
Rosie: I didn’t miss my bus this morning.
Ruby: Uh-huh.
Rosie: Oh piss off
Rosie has logged off
FROM: Rosie
TO: Ruby
SUBJECT: You’ll never believe this
I’m faxing you over a letter Sally sent Katie. Let me know what you think.
To Katie,
Thank you for being my flower girl at my wedding last week. Everybody said that you looked beautiful, just like a real little princess.
Myself and Alex are now on holiday in a place called the Seychelles, just where your mummy wants to live. Tell her it is lovely, very hot and sunny, and you can show her the photograph of me and Alex lying on the beach to show her what it looks like here. We are very happy and very much in love.
I am enclosing a photograph of you, me, and Alex on our wedding day so you can frame it and put it up in your house. I hope you like it.