Ruby: Don’t!
Rosie: Why not? I’ll just send him a polite message asking to stop looking at me because I find it distracting while I’m trying to work.
You have an instant message from: ROSIE
Rosie: Stop staring at my tits you pervert.
Rosie: OK Ruby, I sent it.
Ruby: Oh you are so fired; Randy Andy doesn’t take too kindly to brash young ladies who stick up for themselves.
Rosie: Screw him! He can’t fire me for that!
Ms. Rosie Dunne,
Andy Sheedy Paper Clip & Co. will no longer be requiring your services, which means that your contract will therefore not be up for renewal next month as was previously discussed.
You are, however, entitled to remain as an employee of Andy Sheedy Paper Clip & Co. until the end of the month, i.e. June the 30th.
Andy Sheedy Paper Clip & Co. thanks you for the work you have put into the company over the past few years and we wish you luck in the future.
Yours sincerely,
Andy Sheedy
Owner of Andy Sheedy Paper Clip & Co.
You have an instant message from: ROSIE
Rosie: I faxed the letter over, did you see it?
Ruby: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Rosie: Do you know what? The more I read it, the more I’m glad that I’m leaving. The name Andy Sheedy Paper Clip & Co. says it all really, doesn’t it? I wonder who wrote the letter for him, seeing as I’m his secretary and that’s my job and all. I probably did it myself and didn’t even realize it. I never pay attention to half the stuff he gives me to type up anyway. Ah well, so what do you think?
Ruby: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Rosie: Well I’m glad you find me losing my job so funny.
Ruby: Oh please it’s not like you weren’t leaving anyway. This is the best way to go. Rosie Dunne, you will go down in history in this building as the woman who told Randy Andy to f off. I will spread the word Rosie; you being fired will not have been in vain. I’ll miss you! Where will you go?
Rosie: I have absolutely no idea.
Ruby: Why don’t you apply for a job in a hotel? Ever since I’ve met you you’ve been going on and on about hotels.
Rosie: I know. I have a slight obsession with them. Perhaps it’s the huge furniture that makes me feel so safe in them, like oversized vases the size of people and couches that wouldn’t fit in my living room and kitchen put together. I feel like Alice in Wonderland in hotel lobbies. At least I have a month to find somewhere, it shouldn’t be that hard. I better start writing up my CV.
Ruby: That shouldn’t take long then.
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: Is my CV OK?
Attachment—CV.doc
Please, please, please help me with my CV or my poor daughter and I will starve to death. How do you make all my crappy jobs look impressive? Help! Help! Help!
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: CV
Attachment: CV.doc
As you can see (by the attached document) I have rewritten your CV. The one you sent me was practically perfect as it was of course but I just fixed the grammar and a few spelling mistakes . . . you no how great at spelling I am!
By the way Rosie, just to let you no, you haven’t been doing a “crappy job” as you so nicely phrased it. I don’t think you understand the difficulty of what you are doing. You are a full-time single mum who has a job as a personal secretary to a very successful businessman. I only changed the words around; I didn’t alter the truth in any way. What you have been doing day after day is incredible. When I come home from work I’m so shattered that I just collapse; I barely take care of myself, never mind another person.
Don’t underestimate yourself, Rosie, don’t play down what you do. When you go into your interviews keep your head held high and feel confident with the knowledge that you are an incredibly hard worker (when you want to be), you have the wonderful ability to work with other people as you are always well liked (except that time when we had to do a group project in school on the planets and you insisted on drawing little men on Mars and little women on Venus over Helen Corrigan’s picture that took her weeks to do in art class which ended up causing every one in the group to walk out in protest leaving just the two of us having to start another one all by ourselves. God what is it about you and me being together that makes everyone hate us?!) You are wonderful, beautiful, smart, and intelligent, and if you knew anything about coronary heart diseases I’d hire you myself.
I mentioned that you were offered a place in Boston College which is impressive so everything will be fine, just be yourself and they’ll love you.
Just one more thing, I strongly suggest that you apply for a job that you actually like this time. You would be surprised at how easy it is to get out of bed in the morning when you’re going to do something that doesn’t make you want to jump off the top floor of the bus (I was a bit worried when I got that e-mail). How about finally trying to find a place in a hotel? You’ve wanted to do that since you stayed in the Holiday Inn in London when you were seven, remember?
Go for it and let me no how you get on.
CHAPTER 13
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Boston visit?
Just taking a sneaky break from performing “lobotomies” to send a quick e-mail to see how you’re getting on with the job search. You have one week left till Randy Andy throws you out of his paper clip empire, so there’s still plenty of time, and if by any chance something hasn’t caught your eye by then, I can send a check over to help tide you over for a while (but only if you want my help.)
I would love to go home right now and go to bed, I am so tired. I’ve worked a double shift so I don’t have to get my hands bloody tomorrow; I have the day off, such bliss . . . The problem is that when I get home Sally will be getting ready to go on her shift. We don’t have the most sociable hours in the world; well not unless you count talking to people who are rolling around in agony on hospital beds. Sorry that wasn’t funny.
I’m just tired, and Sally and I don’t really get to spend a lot of time together, and when we do we’re usually so tired we just pass out.
Here’s a good idea. If you come over with Katie and whats-his-name then I’ll take a few days off and we can see all the sights, eat out, enjoy ourselves, and I can sleep. And I’ll finally get to meet whats-his-name. I’ve had a lousy few weeks; I really need your comic relief! Work your magic Rosie Dunne and make me laugh.
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: Rosie is here!
Hello there misery man, have no fear, Rosie is here! Sorry things have been shit for you lately. I think life likes to do that every now and again. Every so often it likes to dip and when you feel like you can’t take any more it smoothes out again. But until then my dear friend I will try to humor you by explaining the events of my life.
OK firstly you are a bad, bad influence on me. After I read the masterpiece that was my CV, and after I read your letter I felt so motivated and hyped up that I donned my tracksuit, headband, wrist bands, and jogging shoes (not really) and I raced around Dublin city like a woman on a mission.
You horrible, horrible man. You made me feel like I could do anything, like I could take on the world (never ever do that again) so I proceeded to drop my CV into every single hotel I’ve ever wanted to work in but was always too afraid to try. Shame on you for giving me strength, because it quickly disappeared and I found myself faced with a million billion interviews with a million billion snotty companies that hated me and my cheek for even thinking I could work for them.
So let’s see, which embarrassing interview should I tell you about first? Hmm . . . there are so many to choose from. Well let’s start with the most recent, shall we? Yesterday I had an interview to work at the reception in the Two Lakes Hotel; you know that really posh one in the city? The front of the building is entirely made of glass so you can see t
he big bright glistening chandeliers dripping down, from miles away. At nighttime the building looks like it’s on fire, it’s so bright. The restaurant is on the top floor so that you can look out over the entire city. It really is very beautiful.
But it’s also one of those places where there’s a guy (actually more of a gentleman) dressed in one of those cloak things and a top hat who stands at the door and refuses to let anyone in. It must have taken me about ten minutes just to get inside the door, he just wouldn’t listen, and he kept saying that I needed to be a resident. Honestly, how could anybody ever get to be a resident if they don’t let you in the door? Anyway, finally he let me in and I nearly slipped on the marble floor that was so shiny.
The place was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. No, I mean it literally; the woman at reception actually did drop a pin. I heard it. Well I suppose the hotel wasn’t that quiet, there was the twinkling sound of a piano filtering out from the lounge, there was a water fountain trickling down through the lobby area, the sounds were just so calming. It even had all those giant pieces of furniture that I always loved as a child, like huge mirrors, gigantic chandeliers, doors the length of my apartment wall. When I stepped onto the carpets I thought I was going to bounce up to the balcony, they were so spongy.
I was seated at “The Longest Table Ever” for the interview. Two men and a woman sat at one end, at least I think that’s what they were, I was so far away I could barely see (I almost felt like asking them to pass the salt).
So I thought that I would try and make myself sound interested in the company, just like you told me to, so I asked them how the hotel got its name as I wasn’t aware of any lakes in that part of the city. The two men started laughing and introduced themselves as Bill and Bob Lake. They own the place. How embarrassing.
So I basically just kept talking about what you told me to say: how I like working as part of a team, that I’m good with people, how I’m very interested in the running of a hotel and about how I’m such a hard worker and always put my mind to working on tasks and always finishing off what I start. And then I waffled on for what felt like an hour about how I’ve loved hotels since I was a child and have always wanted to work in one. (Well, the luxury is in staying in one but we both know I can’t afford that.)
And then they go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: “So Rosie, from the time you spent working at Andy Sheedy Paper Clip & Co. what have you learned that you think you can bring to the table here at the Two Lakes?”
Please, like that’s even worth asking.
OK I have to go now, actually, because Katie just got home from school with the look of evil on her face and I haven’t made dinner yet.
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Two Lakes Hotel
It’s a shame you had to rush off, I was enjoying that e-mail. Glad to hear your interviews are going so well—it’s cheered me right up!
But I’m dying to no, what did you tell them you could bring to the company?
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: Re: Two Lakes Hotel
Alex, isn’t it obvious??
Paper clips!
(They just laughed so I got myself out of that one easily.) OK so I’m really going now, Katie is shoving pictures that she drew in school in my face. Oh by the way, she drew one of you . . . you look like you’ve lost a bit of weight. I’ll scan it to you . . . )
Dear Ms. Rosie Dunne,
It is our pleasure to inform you that we are offering you the position of head receptionist at the Two Lakes Hotel.
On a more personal note, I am proud to say that Bob and I are very excited about having you here following the success of your interview last week. You come across as being a bright, intelligent, and witty young woman; the kind of person we like to have working at the hotel.
We take pride in hiring people we ourselves would like to be greeted by in a hotel and we have great faith that the smiles you brought to our faces when we met will also be brought to the customers of the hotel when they arrive at reception. We are proud to have you as a member of the team and hope our working relationship will continue on successfully for many years into the future.
We ask that you get in touch with Shauna Simpson at reception with regard to your work uniform.
Yours sincerely,
Bill Lake
Owner and manager
Bob Lake
Owner
PS: We would also appreciate it if you would bring those paper clips with you—office supplies are rather low!
You have an instant message from: ROSIE
Rosie: My god Ruby could it be possible that I’m actually going to have a nice boss/bosses?! I think everything is finally falling into place.
Ruby: And then she goes ahead and jinxes herself . . . she will never learn . . .
FROM: Rosie
TO: Stephanie
SUBJECT: Congratulations
I’m delighted to hear that you and Pierre got engaged! I know we spoke on the phone for hours last night but I wanted to send you this e-mail too. Congratulations!
Something rather bizarre is happening in my life, Stephanie. I have a boyfriend who loves me, and who I love back, I’m about to start work in the hotel of my dreams, Katie is beautiful and healthy and funny and I finally feel like a good mum. I feel happy. I want to enjoy this feeling and revel in my good fortune but there’s something niggling at me in the back of my mind. There’s a little voice whispering to me, “Things are too perfect.” It almost feels like the calm before the storm.
Is this how normal life is supposed to be? Because I’m used to drama, drama, drama. I’m used to things refusing to go my way, I’m used to having to struggle, moan and, whinge my way into getting something that’s not exactly what I want but that will just do.
This is not something that will “just do,” this is perfect; this is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to feel loved by someone, I wanted Katie to stop wondering if it was all her fault that she didn’t have a daddy like all the other kids, I wanted to feel that the two of us not only belong together but that someone else would accept us in their lives too, I wanted to feel important, I wanted to feel like somebody, I wanted to know that if I called in sick to work that I would be missed. I wanted to stop feeling so sorry for myself, and I have.
Things are going great. I’m feeling really good about myself and I’m not quite used to that. This is the new Rosie Dunne. Young and confused Rosie is gone. Phase two of my life now begins . . .
PART 2
CHAPTER 14
Dear Ms. Dunne,
I was hoping that you could come to the school to discuss Katie’s rapidly deteriorating behavior in class. Her attention span is short and she distracts other students by her note-passing.
How does Wednesday after school sound? You can reach me at the school. You know the number.
Ms. Casey
To Katie,
What do you mean your mum just laughed?
From Toby
FROM: Rosie
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: Flight details
Hey there, OK our flight is landing at 1.15 p.m.—flight number is EI-4023. I’ll be the woman dragging a terrified-looking man by the hair through arrivals, carrying a hyperventilating child by the other arm, and pulling twenty suitcases along by my toes. (Greg hates flying, Katie is so excited I’m really very concerned that she’s going to explode, and I couldn’t decide what to bring with me so I packed my entire wardrobe.)
Are you sure Sally knows what she’s got herself into, allowing me and my mad family to stay with you?
FROM: Sally
TO: Alex
SUBJECT: Re: Rosie’s stay
Of course it’s not OK Alex. You couldn’t have chosen a worse time to invite her and you know it.
FROM: Alex
TO: Rosie
SUBJECT: Re: Flight details
Of course Sally doesn’t mind. I can’t wait to see you an
d Katie and to meet what’s-his-name. I’ll be waiting at arrivals for you.
Dear Alex,
I just want to thank you so much for the holiday! I had such a fantastic time. Boston seemed even more beautiful than I remembered, and I’m glad I didn’t have to run home early in embarrassment this time round (ha ha best way to deal with it is to make fun of oneself). Katie just loved the whole experience, and the child will just not stop talking about you!
Greg really enjoyed it too, I’m glad you finally got to meet him and also learn that his face isn’t usually the greenish kind of color that it was when you met him coming off the plane. It was such a treat to finally have my two favorite men in the same country together, never mind in the same room! So what do you think of him? Does he get the best friend seal of approval?
So apart from the fact that your wife absolutely hates me, everything else was very comfortable and enjoyable. But I actually don’t mind Alex; I’ll just accept it. It just makes it official and confirms what I already thought: for some unknown reason, any girlfriend or wife of yours will forever hate me. And that’s fine with me. I’m over it.
I just hope she lets me see your son or daughter when he or she is born. Now there’s something else I never imagined would happen! Alex Stewart is going to be a daddy! Every time I think about it I just have to laugh out loud. God love your child to have a father like you! Just joking, you know I’m thrilled! Although I can’t believe you kept it a secret from me for three months. Shame on you.
By the way, I’m really sorry Katie spilled her drink over Sally’s new dress. I don’t know what got into her; she’s usually not so clumsy! I’ve told her to write a letter of apology to Sally. Hopefully she won’t hate us all so much then.