In the spring mornings I would work early while my wife still slept. The windows were open wide and the cobbles of the street were drying after the rain. The sun was drying the wet faces of the houses that faced the window. The shops were still shuttered. The goatherd came up the street blowing his pipes and a woman who lived on the floor above us came out onto the sidewalk with a big pot. The goatherd chose one of the heavy-bagged, black milk-goats and milked her into the pot while his dog pushed the others onto the sidewalk. The goats looked around, turning their necks like sight-seers. The goatherd took the money from the woman and thanked her and went on up the street piping and the dog herded the goats on ahead, their horns bobbing. I went back to writing and the woman came up the stairs with the goat milk. She wore her felt-soled cleaning shoes and I only heard her breathing as she stopped on the stairs outside our door and then the shutting of her door. She was the only customer for goat milk in our building.
I thought I would go down and buy a morning racing paper. There was no quarter too poor to have at least one copy of a racing paper but you had to buy it early on a day like this. I found one in the rue Descartes at the corner of the Place Contrescarpe. The goats were going down the rue Descartes and I breathed the air in and walked back fast to climb the stairs and get my work done. I had been tempted to stay out and follow the goats down the early morning street. But before I started again I looked at the paper. They were running at Enghien, the small, pretty and larcenous track that was the home of the outsider.
So that day after I had finished work we would go racing. Some money had come from the Toronto paper that I did newspaper work for and we wanted a long shot if we could find one. My wife had a horse one time at Auteuil named Chevre d'Or that was a hundred and twenty to one and leading by twenty lengths when he fell at the last jump with enough savings on him to----. We tried never to think to do what. We were ahead on that year but Chevre d'Or would have----. We didn't think about Chevre d'Or.
"Do we have enough money to really bet, Tatie?" my wife asked.
"No. We'll just figure to spend what we take. Is there something else you'd rather spend it for?"
"Well," she said.
"I know. It's been terribly hard and I've been tight and mean about money."
"No," she said. "But--"
I knew how severe I had been and how bad things had been. The one who is doing his work and getting satisfaction from it is not the one the poverty is hard on. I thought of bathtubs and showers and toilets that flushed as things that inferior people to us had or that you enjoyed when you made trips, which we often made. There was always the public bathhouse down at the foot of the street by the river. My wife had never complained once about these things any more than she cried about Chevre d'Or when he fell. She had cried for the horse, I remembered; but not for the money. I had been stupid when she needed a grey lamb jacket and had loved it once she had bought it. I had been stupid about other things too. It was all part of the fight against poverty that you never win except by not spending. Especially if you buy pictures instead of clothes. But then we did not think ever of ourselves as poor. We did not accept it. We thought we were superior people and other people that we looked down on and rightly mistrusted were rich. It had never seemed strange to me later on to wear sweatshirts for underwear to keep warm. It only seemed odd to the rich. We ate well and cheaply and drank well and cheaply and slept well and warm together and loved each other.
"I think we ought to go," my wife said. "We haven't been for such a long time. We'll take a lunch and some wine. I'll make good sandwiches."
"We'll go on the train and it's cheap that way. But let's not go if you don't think we should. Anything we'd do today would be fun. It's a wonderful day."
"I think we should go."
"You wouldn't rather spend it some other way?"
"No," she said arrogantly. She had the lovely high cheekbones for arrogance. "Who are we anyway?"
So we went out by the train from the Gare du Nord through the dirtiest and saddest part of town and walked from the siding to the oasis of the track. It was early and we sat on my raincoat on the fresh cropped grass bank and had our lunch and drank from the wine bottle and looked at the old grandstand, the brown wooden betting booths, the green of the track, the darker green of the hurdles, and the brown shine of the water jumps and the whitewashed stone walls and white posts and rails, the paddock under the new leafed trees and the first horses being walked to the paddock. We drank more wine and studied the form in the paper and my wife lay down on the raincoat to sleep with the sun on her face. I went over and found someone I knew from the old days at San Siro in Milano. He gave me two horses.
"Mind, they're no investment. But don't let the price put you off."
We won the first with half of the money that we had to spend and he paid twelve to one, jumping beautifully, taking command on the far side of the course and coming in four lengths ahead. We saved half of the money and put it away and bet the other half on the second horse who broke ahead, led all the way over the hurdles and on the flat just lasted to the finish line with the favorite gaining on him with every jump and the two whips flailing.
We went to have a glass of champagne at the bar under the stand and wait for the prices to go up.
"My, but racing is very hard on people," my wife said. "Did you see that horse come up on him?"
"I can still feel it inside me."
"What will he pay?"
"The cote was eighteen to one. But they may have bet him at the last."
The horses came by, ours wet, with his nostrils working wide to breathe; the jockey patting him.
"Poor him," my wife said. "We just bet."
We watched them go on by and had another glass of champagne and then the winning came up: 85. That meant he paid eighty-five francs for ten.
"They must have put a lot of money on at the end," I said.
But we had made plenty of money, big money for us, and now we had spring and money too. I thought that was all we needed. A day like that one, if you split the winnings one quarter for each to spend, left a half for racing capital. I kept the racing capital secret and apart from all other capital and there was racing at some track every day.
Another day later that year when we had come back from one of our voyages and had good luck at some track again we stopped at Pruniers on the way home, going in to sit at the bar after looking at all the clearly priced wonders in the window. We had oysters and crabe Mexicaine with glasses of Sancerre. We walked back through the Tuileries in the dark and stood and looked through the Arc du Carrousel up across the dark gardens with the lights of the Concorde behind the formal darkness and then the long rise of lights toward the Arc de Triomphe. Then we looked back toward the dark of the Louvre and I said, "Do you really think that the three arches are in line? These two and the Sermione in Milano?"
"I don't know, Tatie. They say so and they ought to know. Do you remember when we came out into the spring on the Italian side of the St. Bernard after the climb in the snow, and you and Chink and I walked down all day in the spring to Aosta?"
"Chink called it 'across the St. Bernard in street shoes.' Remember your shoes?"
"My poor shoes. Do you remember us having fruit cup at Biffi's in the Galleria with Capri and fresh peaches and wild strawberries in a tall glass pitcher with ice?"
"That time was what made me wonder about the three arches."
"I remember the Sermione. It's like this arch."
"Do you remember the Aigle where you and Chink sat in the garden that day and read while I fished?"
"Yes, Tatie."
I remembered the Rhone, narrow and grey and full of snow water and the two trout streams on either side, the Stockalper and the Rhone canal. The Stockalper was really clear that day and the Rhone canal was still murky.
"Do you remember when the horse-chestnut trees were in bloom and how I tried to remember a story that Jim Gamble, I think, had told me about a wisteria vine and I couldn'
t remember it?"
"Yes Tatie, and you and Chink always talking about how to make things true, writing them, and put them rightly and not describe. I remember everything. Sometimes he was right and sometimes you were right. I remember the lights and textures and the shapes you argued about."
Now we had come out of the gateway through the Louvre and crossed the street outside and were standing on the bridge leaning on the stone and looking down at the river.
"We all three argued about everything and always specific things and we made fun of each other. I remember everything we ever did and everything we ever said on the whole trip," Hadley said. "I do really. About everything. When you and Chink talked I was included. It wasn't like being a wife at Miss Stein's."
"I wish I could remember the story about the wisteria vine."
"It wasn't important. It was the vine that was important, Tatie."
"Do you remember I brought some wine from Aigle home to the chalet? They sold it to us at the inn. They said it should go with the trout. We brought it wrapped in copies of La Gazette de Lausanne, I think."
"The Sion wine was even better. Do you remember how Mrs. Gangeswisch cooked the trout au bleu when we got back to the chalet? They were such wonderful trout, Tatie, and we drank the Sion wine and ate out on the porch with the mountainside dropping off below and we could look across the lake and see the Dent du Midi with the snow half down it and the trees at the mouth of the Rhone where it flowed into the lake."
"We always miss Chink in the winter and the spring."
"Always. And I miss him now when it is gone."
Chink was a professional soldier and had gone out to Mons from Sandhurst. I had met him first in Italy and he had been my best friend and then our best friend for a long time. He spent his leaves with us then.
"He's going to try to get leave this next spring. He wrote last week from Cologne."
"I know. We should live in this time now and have every minute of it."
"We're watching the water now as it hits this buttress. Look what we can see when we look up the river."
We looked and there it all was: our river and our city and the island of our city.
"We're too lucky," she said. "I hope Chink will come. He takes care of us."
"He doesn't think so."
"Of course not."
"He thinks we explore together."
"We do. But it depends on what you explore."
We walked across the bridge and were on our own side of the river.
"Are you hungry again?" I said. "Us. Talking and walking."
"Of course, Tatie. Aren't you?"
"Let's go to a wonderful place and have a truly grand dinner."
"Where?"
"Michaud's?"
"That's perfect and it's so close."
So we walked up the rue des Saints-Peres to the corner of the rue Jacob stopping and looking in the windows at pictures and at furniture. We stood outside of Michaud's restaurant reading the posted menu. Michaud's was crowded and we waited for people to come out, watching the tables where people already had their coffee.
We were hungry again from walking and Michaud's was an exciting and expensive restaurant for us. It was where Joyce ate with his family then, he and his wife against the wall, Joyce peering at the menu through his thick glasses holding the menu up in one hand; Nora by him, a hearty but delicate eater; Giorgio thin, foppish, sleek-headed from the back; Lucia with heavy curly hair, a girl not quite yet grown; all of them talking Italian.
Standing there I wondered how much of what we had felt on the bridge was just hunger. I asked my wife and she said, "I don't know, Tatie. There are so many sorts of hunger. In the spring there are more. But that's gone now. Memory is hunger."
I was being stupid, and looking in the window and seeing two tournedos being served I knew I was hungry in a simple way.
"You said we were lucky today. Of course we were. But we had very good advice and information."
She laughed.
"I didn't mean about the racing. You're such a literal boy. I meant lucky in other ways."
"I don't think Chink cares for racing," I said compounding my stupidity.
"No. He'd only care for it if he were riding."
"Don't you want to go racing any more?"
"Of course. And now we can go whenever we want again."
"But you really want to go?"
"Of course. You do, don't you?"
It was a wonderful meal at Michaud's after we got in; but when we had finished and there was no question of hunger any more the feeling that had been like hunger when we were on the bridge was still there when we caught the bus home. It was there when we came in the room and after we had gone to bed and made love in the dark, it was there. When I woke with the windows open and the moonlight on the roofs of the tall houses, it was there. I put my face away from the moonlight into the shadow but I could not sleep and lay awake thinking about it. We had both wakened twice in the night and my wife slept sweetly now with the moonlight on her face. I had to try to think it out and I was too stupid. Life had seemed so simple that morning when I had wakened and found the false spring and heard the pipes of the man with his herd of goats and gone out and bought the racing paper.
But Paris was a very old city and we were young and nothing was simple there, not even poverty, nor sudden money, nor the moonlight, nor right and wrong nor the breathing of someone who lay beside you in the moonlight.
6
The End of an Avocation
We went racing together many more times that year and other years after I had worked in the early mornings, and Hadley enjoyed it and sometimes she loved it. But it was not the climbs in the high mountain meadows above the last forest, nor nights coming home to the chalet, nor was it climbing with Chink, our best friend, over a high pass into new country. It was not really racing either. It was gambling on horses. But we called it racing.
Racing never came between us, only people could do that; but for a long time it stayed close to us like a demanding friend. That was a generous way to speak of it. I, the one who was so righteous about people and their destructiveness, tolerated this one that was the falsest, most beautiful, most exciting, vicious, and demanding because she could be profitable. To make it profitable was more than a full-time job and I had no time for that. But I justified it to myself because I wrote it. Though in the end, when everything I had written was lost, there was only one racing story that was out in the mails that survived.
I was going to races alone more now and I was involved in them and getting too mixed up with them. I worked two tracks in their season when I could, Auteuil and Enghien. It took full-time work to try to handicap intelligently and you could make no money that way. That was just how it worked out on paper. You could buy a paper that gave you that.
You had to watch a jumping race from the top of the stands at Auteuil and it was a fast climb up to see what each horse did and see the horse that might have won and did not, and see why, or at least how, or maybe how he did not do what he could have done. You watched the prices and all the shifts of odds each time a horse you were following would start, and you had to know how he was working and finally get to know when the stable would try with him. He always might be beaten when he tried; but you should know by then what his chances were. It was hard work but at Auteuil it was beautiful to watch each day they raced when you could be there and see the honest races with the great horses, and you got to know the course as well as any place you had ever known. You knew many people finally, jockeys and trainers and owners and too many horses and too many things.
You only, in principle, bet when you had a horse to bet on but you sometimes found horses that nobody believed in except the men who trained and rode them that won race after race with you betting on them. You had to follow it very closely to really know anything. I stopped finally because it took too much time, I was getting too involved and I knew too much about what went on at Enghien and at the flat racing tracks too
.
When I stopped working on the races I was glad but it left an emptiness. By then I knew that everything good and bad left an emptiness when it stopped. But if it was bad, the emptiness filled up by itself. If it was good you could only fill it by finding something better. I put the racing capital back into the general funds and I felt relaxed and good.
The day I gave up racing I went over to the other side of the river and met my friend Mike Ward at the travel desk in the Guaranty Trust which was then at the corner of the rue des Italiens on the Boulevard des Italiens. I was depositing the racing capital but I did not tell that to anyone. I didn't put it in the checkbook though I still kept it in my head.
"Want to go to lunch?" I asked Mike.
"Sure, kid. Yeah I can do it. What's the matter? Aren't you going to the track?"
"No."
We had lunch at the square Louvois at a very good, plain bistro with a wonderful white wine. Across the square was the Bibliotheque Nationale.
"You never went to the track much, Mike," I said.
"No. Not for quite a long time."
"Why did you lay off it?"
"I don't know," Mike said. "Yes. Sure I do. Anything you have to bet on to get a kick isn't worth seeing."
"Don't you ever go out?"
"Sometimes to see a big race. One with great horses."
We spread pate on the good bistro bread and drank the white wine.
"Did you follow them a lot, Mike?"
"Oh yes."
"What do you see that's better?"
"Bicycle racing."
"Really?"
"You don't have to bet on it. You'll see."
"That track takes a lot of time."
"Too much time. Takes all your time. I don't like the people."
"I was very interested."
"Sure. You make out all right?"
"All right."
"Good thing to stop," Mike said.
"I've stopped."
"Hard to do. Listen kid, we'll go to the bike races sometime."
That was a new and fine thing that I knew little about. But we did not start it right away. That came later. It came to be a big part of our lives later when the first part of Paris was broken up.