Also by Molly McAdams
The Redemption Series
Blackbird
Firefly
The Thatch Series
Letting Go
To The Stars
Show Me How
The Sharing You Series
Capturing Peace (novella)
Sharing You
The Forgiving Lies Series
Forgiving Lies
Deceiving Lies
Changing Everything (novella)
The From Ashes Series
From Ashes
Needing Her (novella)
The Taking Chances Series
Taking Chances
Stealing Harper (novella)
Trusting Liam
Stand-Alone Novels
I See You
Coming Soon
The Brewed Series
Copyright © 2017 Molly McAdams
Published by Jester Creations, LLC.
First Edition
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without prior permission of the publisher.
Please protect this art form by not pirating.
Molly McAdams
www.mollysmcadams.com
Cover Design by RBA Designs
Photo by ©MaeIDesign and Photography
Editing by Making Manuscripts and Karen Lawson
Formatting by JT Formatting
The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Names, characters, places, and plots are a product of the author’s imagination. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Print ISBN: 9780998420059
eBook ISBN: 9780998420042
For Molly.
You are by far the best half of Molly Squared.
Table of Contents
Title Page
Prologue
Chapter 1 – Found You
Chapter 2 – Weak
Chapter 3 – Trust
Chapter 4 – Night
Chapter 5 – Eight Years Old
Chapter 6 – Hate
Chapter 7 – Untouchable
Chapter 8 – No Man
Chapter 9 – Wraith
Chapter 10 – Hers
Chapter 11 – Fears
Chapter 12 – Eight Years Old
Chapter 13 – List
Chapter 14 – Chaos
Chapter 15 – Solid Ground
Chapter 16 – What If
Chapter 17 – Twenty Questions
Chapter 18 – Eight Years Old
Chapter 19 – Him
Chapter 20 – Trouble
Chapter 21 – Control
Chapter 22 – Dark
Chapter 23 – Watched
Chapter 24 – Everything
Chapter 25 – AJ
Chapter 26 – Belong
Chapter 27 – Liar
Chapter 28 – Trust
Chapter 29 – Apologize
Chapter 30 – Poison
Chapter 31 – Beg
Chapter 32 – Betray
Chapter 33 – True
Chapter 34 – Away
Chapter 35 – Eight Years Old
Chapter 36 – The World
Chapter 37 – Déjà vu
Chapter 38 – Pull
Chapter 39 – Madness
Chapter 40 – Safe
Chapter 41 – Plan
Chapter 42 – Real
Chapter 43 – Cut
Chapter 44 – Monster
Chapter 45 – Nightmare
Chapter 46 – Ghost
Chapter 47 – Alive
Chapter 48 – Confession
Chapter 49 – Ruin
Chapter 50 – Boss
Chapter 51 – Beckham
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Lean back.
Drop your head.
Push your chest out.
Exhale slowly and shut your eyes.
Don’t show them that the pretty face they’re paying for isn’t real.
She died long ago.
Go somewhere far from here, somewhere you can anchor yourself to the last glimmer of happiness in your life.
Happiness.
That word would never touch my life again. Happiness wasn’t meant for girls like me.
Girls like me grasped the only thing we could find that kept us alive.
And for me? That was this. These moments that slowly killed me a little at a time.
My own vicious circle.
One I would continue to live until I died.
My full lips twitched into a wicked grin. A laugh tumbled from my mouth. The sound low and throaty, hinting at the madness within.
I stayed in a darkened corner of the room, letting myself become one with the shadows. Watching every step he made. Waiting for the moment he’d see.
Because he would see.
His movements were as jerky as an addict’s. His muscles twitched. His head snapped with every groan from the settling house and every nocturnal sound that filtered inside. Positive that at any moment, the sound would be me.
Like he would hear me.
No one ever did. His old man hadn’t when I’d silenced his cries for mercy an hour ago, and this arrogant asshole wouldn’t either.
That didn’t mean they hadn’t known.
Eleven days.
Eleven days of tormenting and warning them of what was to come.
Eleven days of giving them the chance to leave before I came for them—not that I ever thought they would.
They were too prideful. Too close to tasting what they’d craved for so long. Besides . . . even if they fled, I’d hunt them down eventually. After what they’d done, they had to know that.
“You could break my heart for the rest of our lives and I would still love you.”
My jaw clenched as that familiar ache spread through my chest like a sickness. It threatened to steal my focus, but I couldn’t afford that. Not now.
I mentally went through the four names until the ache turned into a hatred that burned deep. And soon, all that was left was my silent rage.
A hissed curse had my lips twisting into a smirk and my stare lifting in time to see the man drop my note as if it’d burned him.
He turned in a circle, his arms out in a laughable attempt at defending himself, his eyes wild.
“I know you’re there, Kieran,” he yelled in the direction opposite me. “We can talk about this. I never wanted her dead. I just wanted to scare Mickey into giving up his title. We both know he’s done.”
He was lying. He was trying to buy himself time.
I’d let him do both.
I’d already let him live longer than he deserved . . . he could think he had a chance to live past the next five minutes.
Finn.
He and his dad, Bailey, were members of the Holloway gang with delusions of taking over. But I’d underestimated them. In only eleven days, they’d tried to destroy my entire world.
And I’d still lost everything.
When I found out their part in it, I knew ending their lives would be a kindness they didn’t deserve.
So I let them think they were free for a little while.
And then I let them know I was coming.
Every day I’d left a message somewhere in their houses, counting down from eleven. Below the numbers was the beginning of Holloway’s threat: “Pray Nightshade doesn’t find you . . .”
Until today. Today there was no threat. Just the number zero.
Finn bumped into a dresser and scrambled to snatch his phone, rushing to call
someone I bet was no longer breathing.
“Dad,” he hissed after nearly a minute. My smirk widened knowing Bailey would never get Finn’s message. “Dad, I think he’s really coming. Get Mom and run.”
I stalked soundlessly toward Finn, moving with the shadows in the room.
My heart slowed as I crept closer. The bloodthirsty monster inside me roared to life with every inch that disappeared between us. Begging for this. Needing this.
And soon, I barely recognized my own thoughts as my mind was consumed with this kill.
Not a sound. Not a trace.
Feed the blade. Watch the light fade.
I slipped a knife from my pants, my body humming when its familiar weight settled in my hand.
A cruel smile twisted on my lips when Finn grabbed a gun, his movements shaky as he dropped the magazine to check it and loaded it again.
Before he could react, I was in front of him and yanking his head back by his hair. His mouth parted with a startled breath when my blade slid across his throat.
The gun clattered to the floor, and I roughly released my hold on him and let him fall to his knees.
Slowly dropping to a crouch, I stared into his wide, panicked eyes.
I forced the monster back and let all my pain and anger show. Let it threaten to consume me just as the destructive monster had not seconds before so it would be the last thing Finn saw.
So he would have no doubt why this was happening.
“Found you.”
I mumbled to any god or mother listening that I wouldn’t be stopped when I rounded the next corner. A girl I had buried long ago was thrashing deep inside me, trying to break free—but she wouldn’t.
Never again.
She meant hope. She was weak. I couldn’t afford either.
On the outside, I radiated confidence. I was the girl everyone wanted . . . or wanted to be. My hips swung just enough to catch the attention of every man who passed by me—and some of the women. My full lips were twisted into a sensual grin, causing people to stop in their tracks or stumble over themselves. My tight clothes dipped in all the right places so my body would be all they saw and craved that night.
On the inside . . . on the inside I was trembling and holding my breath.
Don’t stop me.
Don’t say my name.
My silent plea may as well have been shouted the way his head snapped up when I edged around the building.
He was always there. I doubted a day would come when he wouldn’t be. But I lived for the days when he didn’t call out to me.
I purposefully made eye contact to show he held no power over me.
Don’t stop me.
Don’t—
“Jess.”
A defeated breath punched from my lungs when he said my name just loud enough to reach me.
Not allowing my frustration or hurt to show, I let out a sharp, wicked laugh and sauntered up to him. Trailing my fingers over his bulky arm, I murmured huskily, “Beck . . . you’re always my favorite part of the night.”
He watched my fingers for a moment before lifting his glare to me. “You know the game, Jess. Gotta get paid. You just choose a different way of going about it than I do.”
My teeth gnashed, but I sidled up closer and forced my mouth into a taunting grin instead of the sneer that so desperately wanted to break free. “Beck, Beck, Beck . . . Baby, I know you’re craving to find out exactly why men keep coming back for me. Don’t pretend you’re better than me because you get to stay in that nice, big mansion. Or because you earn your money by assuring strung-out women they don’t need to pay for all they take when we both know someone has to pay.”
By the time I finished talking, my mouth was inches from his.
He dipped his head closer, almost as if he couldn’t help himself. Then whispered, “Three ninety, Jess.”
I jerked back, my face falling. “Like hell. You gave her two sixty worth a few days ago.” My stomach twisted as panic set in. Oh God . . .
He wrapped an arm around my waist and hauled my body back to his, his voice dropping low so it wouldn’t carry—an unspoken reminder there were people around who could hear us. “Not my goddamn problem your mom can’t stop using.”
“You’re an asshole,” I said. “Never again. Don’t ever sell her anything again.”
I’d said those same words to him countless times. Just as I’d said them to other sellers. The only difference between Beck and the others was Beck had never once laughed at my demands. But like them, he’d also never listened to them.
“I’m not selling to her. She takes and you pay.”
“Fuck you. You know what I meant. She’s going to die if you don’t stop giving it to her,” I said through gritted teeth, and was horrified when I realized my eyes were burning and Beck was blurry. I clenched my teeth tighter and blinked the tears back.
But he’d already seen.
“Jess,” he said softly, his expression equal parts frustration and shock. Looking around us at people randomly walking about, he pulled me toward the building and dropped his head closer to mine. “Jess, you know I don’t have a choice—”
“My life and my choices were taken away because you won’t stop feeding her addiction, Beck.”
Anger and disgust flashed through his eyes. “Jesus fuck, Jess. Don’t ever put that shit on me. You had a choice. You made it,” he reminded me. “This could’ve been different.”
“I told you my condition,” I hissed.
His eyes only hardened.
Time passed as we glared at each other. Eventually, he broke. “I didn’t have a choice,” he admitted. “If she doesn’t come to me, she’ll find someone else . . . and it’s best that she comes to me. You don’t know what would happen if she used one of the other dealers in town. You don’t know what they would do to her.”
“Don’t I?” I asked with a soft, demented laugh. “And don’t say that as though I should be comforted by the thought of what one of you would do to her if I didn’t pay her debt.”
Beck was in his late twenties—a few years older than me—and had been my mom’s dealer for the last ten or so years. He’d taken the protector role with me and tried to slip into something more than that for the latter half of that time, but it didn’t change who he was. What I was. And why we ended up in each other’s company every day.
He didn’t try to take advantage of me like other dealers. He didn’t try to touch me the way the older men had when I was only a child. But I would be an idiot to forget that he was incredibly dangerous.
It had taken many months slipping into that massive house and meetings unnoticed before I found out who Beck worked for—what ruthless family he was involved with.
The O’Sullivans.
When you find out the Irish-American mob is a very real thing that still runs as strongly as it does silently, and they control a good portion of the cocaine that moves through the south—and most importantly, that passes through your mother’s veins—you do whatever it takes to keep her from their wrath.
Even if it means destroying yourself.
Beck sighed through his nose and lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “It’s business, Jess.”
At least he had the decency to sound apologetic. Slightly.
Asshole.
I wanted to yell that his business was killing my mom—the only person I had in the world. Instead, I forced my expression to calm and my eyes to become hooded. My mouth fell into a pout as I leaned closer to him.
“Business? Beck . . .” My lips slowly stretched into a grin. “If you wanted to talk business, you only had to say so. You’ve already kept me held up here for five minutes now. In my business, time is money, even if you aren’t able to perform. Clock’s tickin’, baby. How much longer do you want to keep me in your presence? Because I have roughly half an hour left until that three hundred ninety dollars is mine again. Less if you decide to take me against this wall and make me—”
I cut off with loud peals of lau
ghter when Beck shoved me away from him, causing me to stumble a little before I regained my balance.
“Aw, did I hit a nerve?” I cocked my head to the side and giggled wildly. “Nope, didn’t feel anything.”
“Fuck you, Jessica.”
Yeah, well, at least I wasn’t crying anymore.
I grinned mockingly at Beck as I sauntered toward him again, but faltered at his next words.
“You think I’d touch a whore as fucked up in the head as you?” he asked with a sneer.
My smile froze on my face, but I somehow managed to continue moving toward him. Somehow managed to press myself against him as I dug into my purse for what I had made that night. Somehow managed to look at him from under my eyelashes and speak in that low, throaty tone I knew he loved rather than screaming at him.
I pressed some of the cash into his hand. “I seem to remember a time where that statement wasn’t true.”
His eyes creased in the corners, like he wanted to apologize for what he’d said, but his voice was hard when he spoke. “That was before you started selling yourself.”
“Wasn’t before the rest.” I tapped on my head, lifting my brows knowingly, then let out another wild laugh as I ambled away, swaying as I did. “That’s all I have,” I lied. “You know how I can pay off the rest of what is owed. All you have to do is ask.”
I turned and continued my unhurried walk away when all I wanted was to run. I knew he wouldn’t come after me because I’d shorted him, just as I knew he wouldn’t let me forget tomorrow or the next day that I still owed him money.
But his words had terrified me.
Knowing Momma had taken so much more than usual scared me in a way I’d never been. I was worried about the state she would be in when I finally got home.
But girls like me? We didn’t run, and we didn’t show our fear.
Because to the world, we feared nothing and no one.
Once out of Beck’s sight, I let the crazed smile slip for a moment, and crossed my arms over my chest to ward off the chill spreading deep through my bones.
Come on, Jess. Come on . . .
It wasn’t that late, and as there had been when I was talking to Beck a few streets over, there were people around.