It didn’t sound like a charging bull, so I had a sinking feeling it wasn’t Conor.
With a steadying breath, I lifted my eyes and found the mob boss leaning against the doorframe, heated eyes on me.
“Where’s my mom?”
He smiled brightly. “Conor said that’s all you’ve asked for.”
I shrugged. “It’s all I want.”
He stepped into the room, his ice-blue eyes raking over me as he did. “Then why don’t you bring her here?”
A breath of a laugh fell from my lips. I opened my mouth to ask how, but quickly shut it.
It felt too simple. It felt like a trap.
“What?” he asked. “Suddenly not so anxious to see her?” He rolled up his shirtsleeves, checking his watch as he did. “You have less than an hour before they give her a new, higher dose.”
It felt like my entire being crumbled.
“It’s up to you how long this goes on.”
My lip curled in disdain. “I—”
“Unless you’re about to tell me you belong to me, I wouldn’t finish that,” he said quickly.
My chest rose and fell with rough jerks as I stared him down.
“If you want your mom brought here today, do what I say.” His voice was low and commanding. Sensual. Evil.
It made my skin crawl.
I knew what he wanted from me . . . what he was going to say. And it made me want to scream.
I couldn’t imagine him touching me. Couldn’t stomach the thought of him inside me.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t think of him as a client. I’d chosen each of them, not the other way around.
And I hadn’t been with any of them since Kieran.
But for Momma . . . everything I’d ever done had been to keep us alive and to keep her safe.
For those moments of lucidity . . .
When she made me pancakes, no matter how rare the occasion. When she remembered my birthday. When she held me all night because I’d had a nightmare that my dad found us.
For those moments of helplessness . . .
“Jess, save me. Jess, the dark. I can’t get away from it. It’s coming for me, Jess. It’s coming.”
“Don’t let him ruin you. Run, Jess, and don’t let him ruin you.”
I knew to get her back I would do anything.
“Good girl,” he said with a wicked grin.
My stomach churned and lurched.
“Stay just like that,” he said as he took off his belt and undid his pants. “Bend your knees and spread your legs.”
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
You sick fuck.
I stared at him for a few seconds, my chest heaving, before I did as he commanded.
“Remove those.”
Forcing my stare to the hallway just behind him, I lifted my hips from the bed and worked off my lace underwear.
“Legs spread,” he said darkly when I automatically closed them.
I ground my jaw and obeyed.
He tossed two phones and a wallet on the edge of the bed, and then the sound of his zipper sliding down filled the room.
I didn’t look.
“Touch yourself.”
My heart felt like it cracked in half when I did.
Because this was something I’d done countless times before. And it was something I would choose every time over having any part of him touching me.
But this was also something I’d done for Kieran.
This was something we’d done together.
And Mickey was tainting it.
I cringed when I heard him moan and swallowed the bile climbing up my throat.
Clearing my mind of what I was doing and the noises he was making, I repeated the words I’d told myself hundreds of times over the years, trying to make myself believe this was just another session, and he was just another client.
Lean back.
Drop your head.
Push your chest out.
Exhale slowly and shut your eyes.
Don’t show them that the pretty face they’re paying for isn’t real.
She died long ago.
Go somewhere far from here, somewhere you can anchor yourself to the last glimmer of happiness in your life.
Happiness.
That word would never touch my life again. Happiness wasn’t meant for girls like me.
Girls like me grasped the only thing we could find that kept us alive.
And for me? That was this. These moments that slowly killed me a little at a time.
My own vicious circle.
One I would continue to live until I died.
My full lips twitched into a wicked grin. A laugh tumbled from my mouth. The sound low and throaty, hinting at the madness within.
The laugh turned into a sharp gasp when my ankles were unexpectedly grabbed, and I was yanked away from the headboard. My eyes popped open to find Mickey above me, his cruel grin as foreboding as it was frightening.
“Did I forget to tell you?” He forced me onto my stomach, his strong arms pinning me down when I instinctively tried to turn over. “The doctor called this morning.”
A chill swept through me, stealing my breath and weakening my muscles as every crippling nightmare devoured me.
Beck had finished giving me the full recap of his conversation with Jessica from a couple days before when his phone rang, lighting up with Conor’s name.
We both stilled when we saw the screen, and it felt like it took minutes for Beck to answer and put it on speaker.
“Yeah?”
There was no reply, and it felt like the pressing weight in the room as we waited for Conor to either hang up or say something was going to crush me.
And then we heard it.
Distant.
Muffled.
And enough to make me go still and my breathing stop.
A scream.
Jessica.
Beck’s head snapped up, his eyes wide with panic and fear.
The last thing I remembered was the call ending.
The next thing I knew I was pinned against the hallway wall outside Beck’s room, my breaths ripping from me. My arms wrenched behind me as Beck shook from the strain of trying to keep me there. My throat was hoarse as I yelled, “I’m gonna kill him.”
“We will,” Beck said, his voice ragged, like he’d been saying it for a while. “We will.”
“Let me go,” I roared, my voice echoing down the halls.
“I can’t, man.” A wet choking noise sounded from behind me. “I want to, but you know I can’t.”
“I’ll fucking murder you if you don’t let me go,” I said through gritted teeth.
Beck shifted me enough to slam me against the wall. “I love her too,” he yelled. “But you’re going to ruin everything. You’re going to get Conor killed.”
“Beck.”
A minute must have passed before he rammed me against the wall again and released me. “You’re going to get everyone killed.”
“Fuck you,” I roared.
“I love her too.”
“You have a fucked-up way of showing it.”
“You’re not thinking right,” he said when I started by him and slammed a hand on my shoulder.
I turned and had a knife to his throat within a second. “Did you hear her? Did that shred your soul too?”
The tears already filling his eyes was answer enough. “We need to find his assassin,” he said.
“That girl is mine. I’ll kill everyone who gets in my way of her again.”
He shook his head. “You’re gonna get us all killed.”
My mouth twisted in a dry smirk. “That’s one way to be free of this bullshit.” I dropped my arm and turned, calling over my shoulder, “See you in hell, Beck.”
I raced down the hall and stairs, out the back doors of the mansion, and headed toward the guesthouse.
I stayed along the trees lining the property, keeping to their shadows in the bright day un
til I was able to round the back of the small house.
Conor had been out front but hadn’t seen me.
And now that I was sliding open the bathroom window, I didn’t hear anything coming from inside.
No screaming. No talking. No movement.
Then again, I wasn’t sure how long I’d been consumed in darkness before I’d been able to come back to myself.
Even still, I kept my steps silent as I slipped inside and shut the window. My eyes settled on everything as I moved through the humid bathroom. There were fresh drops of water on the glass doors of the shower and wet footprints along the tile. Just one set.
Relief pounded through my veins and mixed with the agony from the echo of her scream. When I stole a glance into the bedroom, Jessica was there. Only Jessica. Curled on her side, facing away from me. Towel wrapped around her like a blanket, hair dripping onto the bed.
I’d only taken two steps into the room when she spoke, her voice thick and wavering. “What if I was made for you and you were made for me?”
My crushed heart raced.
I moved silently to crawl on the bed and slipped behind her. “Haven’t you realized that we were?” I asked into her ear, then rolled her over so she faced me.
The heartache etched on her face ripped through me. I wanted to apologize for not being there. I wanted to reverse time so I could prevent it from happening. I wanted to kill him slowly for doing this to her.
“Jessica . . .” I brushed away the wet clumps of hair and cradled her face in my hands. “I’ll kill him. I swear to God, I will.”
She nodded and her face pinched, a sob building deep in her chest. “I couldn’t see you. Everything overwhelmed me. It felt like I was being suffocated by it. And I tried to fight, but I just . . . I just . . . It was all there and I couldn’t pull myself out of it until he was leaving.”
It hit fast.
That beast inside overpowered me within a second as soon as I realized what she was saying. What happened. And I didn’t try to fight him.
In an instant, I’d stopped breathing and everything felt like it was both mine and not my own.
Not a sound. Not a trace.
Feed the blade. Watch the light fade.
But for the first time, I wasn’t afraid of having someone in my arms.
I wasn’t afraid of what I could do to this girl.
I wasn’t afraid of the sadistic monster begging for blood, whispering everything he wanted me to do.
Because through the whispers and bloodlust, there was an uncontrollable need to keep the girl in my arms safe. And even the darkness inside was acknowledging that. As if he knew the need to kill was for her.
Not a sound. Not a trace.
Feed the blade. Watch the light fade.
Pull her closer. Keep her safe, safe, safe.
“I’m here. I’ve got you,” I whispered, my voice sounding rough and not my own.
Her depthless eyes slowly lifted to meet mine. “Nightshade.”
“I’ve got you,” I repeated.
“You didn’t fight it. You’re not fighting.” Her mouth twitched into a smile, pride lighting her face for only a second before it fell. “Please. Please, make it go away.”
My hold on her tightened.
Her voice was that same frantic anguish from the night before.
“I know you will. I know you can. Please,” she choked out. “Make it all go away.”
“I’ll do whatever I can. You just have to tell me what you need.”
“Don’t you get it?” she asked tightly, gripping at my forearms. “Make it go away. Nightshade, please.”
A distant part of me hated that name.
The part in control of my mind was focused on every single thing she was saying. Because she was talking directly to the darkness, and he was growing stronger with each plea.
“The demons. The madness. The men.” She released my arms, her eyes begging me to understand. “All of it. Please, make it go away.”
One of my knives was suddenly pressed against my chest as tears filled her eyes.
Horror filled me, gripping my spine. “Jessica, no.”
“Please,” she mouthed, then tilted her head back so her neck was exposed.
I felt myself reaching for the knife. I knew I wanted it. And I couldn’t stop it.
Not a sound. Not a trace.
Feed the blade. Watch the light fade.
Inside I was slamming against that barrier. Yelling for him to stop.
“I’ll make it go away,” I said in a dark tone.
I was in the bed, but it felt like I’d dropped to my knees. It felt like my stomach fell to the floor.
A muted sob left her mouth, but she didn’t move. She didn’t try to stop me when I took the knife from her.
Not a sound. Not a trace.
Feed the blade. Watch the light fade.
Leaning forward, my lips brushed against hers.
Pull her closer. Keep her safe, safe, safe.
“I’ll kill every man who ever hurt you,” I vowed as I tossed the knife away from the bed.
I’d slaughter him for touching what’s mine. Violating. I’d destroy him and raze his godforsaken empire.
Her chest pitched with her ragged breath, and I rolled her onto her back, covering her body with my own.
“I’ll fight every demon until they’re nothing but a distant memory.”
She gripped my hair and nodded slowly as tears fell from her eyes.
“The madness?” A smirk covered my face. “Stop leaving me and I’ll help that too. Yours calms mine and mine calms yours. But, goddamn, I know our lives will never be boring because of it.”
A soggy laugh burst from her chest, and I dipped down to capture her mouth for a moment.
Pull her closer. Keep her safe, safe, safe.
“But you need to live for me to make it go away,” I whispered against her lips. “You need to let me help you.”
“I don’t know how.”
“The same way you gave up control.” I dragged my teeth over her full bottom lip and growled, “Give me control, Chaos.”
Her head moved back and forth before she subtly nodded. Her fingers tightened in my hair. “Kieran, come back to me.”
Fuck, I wanted to.
My head tilted to the side in challenge.
“Kieran, come back to me.” She brushed her lips across mine and breathed, “I love you. Come back.”
A shuddering breath ripped from my chest. And then another and another.
My body was trembling from the physical drain, but I didn’t move. I focused on Jessica, easier now that everything wasn’t filtered by the dark haze.
“There you are,” she said softly, her mouth pulling into a proud smile. “I knew you could do it.”
I dropped my mouth onto hers, kissing her slowly.
Dragging my mouth over her jaw and down her throat, I lightly kissed the bruises then nipped at the spot behind her ear that made her writhe beneath me. “Say it again,” I pleaded. “I need to hear you say it without my darkness ruining it.”
A soft giggle sounded in her throat. “I love you.” She gripped my hair to bring my mouth to hers then spoke against it. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Our next kiss was rough and urgent and made me want to start erasing her demons now. But I knew she needed time after what had happened. “Keep yourself alive for me.”
I was so consumed in the girl beneath me, and the assurance I was waiting for, that I never heard him until he cleared his throat.
I was on my knees and throwing a knife within a second.
Beck cursed and fell into the bathroom immediately before the knife hit the wall where he’d been standing. “Jesus fuck, man,” he yelled as he staggered into the room.
“Announce yourself,” I growled in response.
“Eleven years of this shit,” he bit out and yanked on the handle until the knife jerked free. “I’m so over almost dying because you don’t know it’s me.
”
“Announce yourself,” I repeated.
He narrowed his eyes at me then dragged them to Jessica.
A rumble sounded deep in my chest when his wounded stare stayed where she lay with the towel now barely covering her.
His eyes bounced between us again before he started walking through the room. “I’ll be in the living room.”
I watched him barrel down the hall, not bothering to close the door on his way out, then looked at Jessica.
With a weighted breath, I said, “He’s right. We need to talk.”
She nodded, but didn’t respond.
“Do you have something you can put on?”
“Your shirt from last night,” she mumbled with a small smile.
Mine was unrestrained. “Perfect.”
After I pulled on Kieran’s shirt and towel-dried my hair, I met the guys in the living room, where they were having a near-silent argument.
When I stepped into the room, the words stopped and they stared each other down. Each gave a stiff nod before going to stand on opposite sides of the room, like they were ready to fight.
I’d never felt more uncomfortable as I went to sit in the chair near Kieran.
I needed to be close to him. To draw strength from him and to know that after everything, he still loved me.
But every few seconds, Beck sent pained looks in my direction before dropping his stare to the floor.
A part of me cared for him. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have endlessly worked to keep AJ off his back. No matter how much he’d ruined my life, he’d always been there, and I hated hurting him.
Just as I knew Kieran did, even with their current anger toward each other. Otherwise he wouldn’t have stopped himself from shifting closer after I sat down, and kept his distance instead.
“Jessica,” Kieran finally said, breaking the heavy tension in the room as he moved to stand in my line of sight. “How do I find AJ?”
My head snapped to Beck.
That bastard.
I was retracting every good thought I’d just had about him.
“Is there anything you won’t do to betray me?” I asked, but he only looked at me with an unapologetic expression.
“I can’t help you if I don’t know,” Kieran said calmly.
“You were never supposed to know,” I said through clenched teeth.