Why did this have to happen? If only I hadn’t taken Eddie’s call. If only I hadn’t thrown my phone in the woods.
A thought suddenly flickers through my mind and it halts all others.
I move my hands away from my face. “Why are you only telling me about Carrie now?” I sound oddly composed.
I see a look of discomfort flicker over Nathan’s face. “What do you mean?”
“I mean why didn’t you tell me the moment I woke up that my best friend was dead?!” I bang my fists against the floor. I’m so angry. I’ve never felt anger like this before. I’ve gone from cold to hot in less than five seconds and I have no idea what to do with it.
I watch Nathan’s chest expand under his T-shirt as he inhales for a breath. “I needed to find out what you were,” he exhales, “before the infection, I mean, before you changed. I thought you were human, but like I said, women don’t survive the change and I needed to make sure you weren’t something else, something I didn’t know about, something that was potentially a danger to me and my family.”
“Of course I’m human!” I cry. “I don’t know anything about those bloody vampire things you’ve been going on about!”
“Vârcolac,” he corrects, and has the audacity to sound irritated. “And I know that now but I didn’t at the time. For all I knew you could have been lying just to get yourself out of here and I couldn’t risk it. If the Vârcolacs find out what I did … ” he rubs his face roughly with his hand, “ … if they find out it was me that killed him, I’m basically fucked.”
But right now I don’t care about his problems, even if they do involve me. “I couldn’t give a toss how it affects you! Carrie is dead and you kept it from me!” I’m breathing so hard I have to clutch my hand to my chest to keep myself steady. It’s like my grief and pain have been coated by the anger, and that’s all I can feel now - complete and utter anger.
Nathan’s brow creases into a tight line. He looks angry, which only manages to incense me further. What right does he have to be angry?
“I was going to tell you,” he says through gritted teeth.
“When exactly?! When I passed all your bloody tests! You should have told me the second you opened your mouth, instead of keeping me here talking about this shit. And Carrie’s been dead all this time and I … I didn’t know and … ” The grief floods back and sobs well in my throat. I struggle to choke them back.
“I know you’re in pain … ”
“I’m torn apart!” I scream.
Nathan gets up from his seat and takes a step toward me.
“Don’t come near me.” I put my trembling hand out, stopping him.
“I wasn’t trying to be callous.” He begins speaking quickly. “When I realised you weren’t lying about not knowing anything, I thought I should explain everything that had happened to you before I told you about her, about Carrie, and honestly, I really didn’t know how to tell you. It’s not something I do every day, you know, tell people that … ” He stops and looks at me helplessly. “I’m sorry.”
I bite my quivering lip. “You’re sorry you kept it from me or that Carrie’s dead?”
“Both.”
Even though deep down I know none of this is his fault, I want it to be. I want to blame him. I need to be angry with him. I need him to feel this excruciating pain I’m feeling because I can’t be alone in this.
I rub my eyes roughly and look up at him through my tangled lashes. “I want to see Carrie.” My voice carries barely a whisper across the room.
There’s a beat of silence. His eyes flicker in my direction but he doesn’t actually look at me. “We’ll talk about it later,” he says, walking toward the door.
My insides take a step dive. I’m up and on my feet. Moving quickly, I grab hold of his arm, stopping him. “Where is Carrie?” I can’t stop the tremor in my voice.
Nathan glances down at my hand on his arm, then back up at my face. There’s a threat in his eyes but I don’t move it. I keep my grip firm.
“You really don’t want to hear this,” he says, not a shred of emotion in his voice.
He’s right, I don’t want to hear it, but I have to.
“Tell me.” My chin trembles and even I don’t believe the tone of my voice.
He presses his lips together. He looks as if he’s considering his words, or maybe mine. My heart is pumping so hard against my chest it’s all I can hear.
After what seems like an infinite amount of time, he looks me in the eye and says, “My dad and brother went back for the bodies - Carrie’s and the Vârcolac’s. I stayed here with you. They brought them back here and … well, they burned the bodies.”
“Arggh!” I bang my fists hard against his chest, utter wretchedness taking me over. He barely moves. I grip hold of his T-shirt, my fingers digging into his chest which is so hard it barely gives. “Why?”
He sighs. “We had to get rid of any evidence linking me to killing the Vârcolac. Soon enough the others will notice he’s missing and will come looking. If we’d left them both there to be found, the Vârcolacs would have smelt my scent on them, and that would have led them straight here to me, to you.” His large hands encircle my wrists, his touch gentle. “I really am sorry.”
I close my eyes, but all I can see behind my lids is Carrie. Carrie burning ...
I open my eyes and yank my arms free from his hold, staggering backwards. “I … I have to go … go,” I stammer. “I have to see Carrie’s mum and dad.”
“And tell them what?” he retorts, his voice suddenly harsher, “that you were attacked by a Vârcolac, that I managed to save you, but Carrie was already dead when I got there? You’ve been gone for almost three days, Alex, three days. The police are at the stage now where they’re looking for your bodies. They don’t expect you to be alive, and if you turn up fit and well - without Carrie - with the truth as your only explanation, you know they wouldn’t believe you. You know what they’d think.”
I look at him through a haze of confusion and tears. “What?”
“They’d think you killed her and that I helped you, or the other way around.”
“I could never have hurt Carrie,” I whimper, dismayed.
“But the police don’t know that. They don’t know you. They’d just look at the surrounding evidence and facts, and that would make us their prime suspects.”
His words ring painfully true in my ears.
“And by going home you’d only be exposing yourself to the Vârcolacs,” he continues, his voice hardening with each word spoken. “If they find out about your survival … ” He pauses, shaking his head as if to highlight the point. “If you let people know you’re alive, you’re giving the Vârcolacs an open pass to you. And who’s gonna protect you from them - the police?” He gives a curt laugh, minus the humour.
And that laugh runs abrasively against my skin. I feel my hackles rise. “And you will?” I glare at him. “I get the distinct impression you couldn’t give a flying fuck about me, so why are you so keen on protecting me?”
He glares right back, his green eyes slicing into me. “I’m not. I’m keen on protecting my family.”
I break eye contact. Looking at the floor, I wrap my arms around myself. “Why is your family in danger?”
He shifts his weight and a sound of exasperation escapes him. “Because of you, Alex. Because I saved you. If the Vârcolacs find out about you, well then God help us all.” He exhales. “But they’re gonna wanna know how you survived the attack, who it was that saved you, and that’s when the finger points at me, and that’s when my family’s in danger. There’s a line I crossed when I killed him and without a doubt they’d come after me and my family.”
I rub my runny nose with my hand. “I wouldn’t tell them it was you that saved me,” I utter meekly. “If they found me, I wouldn’t tell them.”
He lets out a sharp laugh. “Trust me when I say this, you really don’t want them to find you. And yes you would because you wouldn’t have a choice. T
hey are evil motherfuckers and can be very, let’s say ... persuasive when they want to be, and I don’t want my family put in harm’s way because of a rash decision I made when I saved your life. So for now, you need to stay here and out of view, until I can figure out what to do with you. I know this is the last thing you want, and honestly I don’t want you here either, but we don’t have a choice. I know it’s hard to hear, but to your old life … you’re dead. You can’t go back, ever.”
Everything closes in on me. It’s like I’m free-falling into a cavern of darkness and I’m never going to hit the bottom. It’s never going to stop. And I know unequivocally, from this moment on, I’m never going to know peace again.
My legs give out on me and I slump down to the floor. I pull my knees up to my chest. My eyes are blurring up with a fresh batch of tears.
“I … I just can’t believe Carrie’s g … gone,” I choke out, “and all of this that’s happened ... it’s too much ... I can’t c-cope.”
“You’re gonna have to find a way to,” he says stonily, sitting down beside me, “because you don’t have any other choice.”
The grief returns to hit me with the force of a tsunami hitting land. I drop my head onto my knees, bury my face, and cry.
I have no idea how long we sit here for, side by side. Nathan doesn’t move. He doesn’t touch me. He just sits here silently with me while I attempt to cry this ache from out of me.
Eventually, when the tears begin to dry up, I lift my head.
“You okay?” He glances sideways at me.
I push my hair off my damp face and shake my head. The tears may have momentarily subsided but the pain will never go away.
Nathan gets to his feet and swiftly exits the room, returning a moment later with a handful of tissues. He crouches down in front of me and hands them over. “Probably should have got you these a while ago.”
He smiles a weak smile. I can’t muster anything up to return it.
“Thanks.” I take the tissues, wipe my face and blow my nose. I scrunch them up in my hand knowing I’ll need them again soon.
“Do you feel hungry?” Nathan asks.
I shake my head. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat again.
He looks at me for a moment longer than necessary. It makes me uncomfortable. I look away.
“Why don’t you try and get some rest,” he suggests. “We can talk more later.”
I nod my assent.
Standing, he holds his hands out for me. I take them and let him pull me to my feet. Exhaustion suddenly burns through me. The room spins, black dots dance before my eyes and my knees buckle.
“Hey, take it easy.” Nathan scoops me up into his arms and carries me over to the bed. I rest my head against his shoulder. He smells earthy and something about it momentarily fills the hollow places inside of me. He lays me down and pulls the cover over me. The moment he lets me go, the hollow coldness creeps back into me.
“Nathan?” I utter when he’s at the door.
He turns back, giving me a questioning stare.
I roll onto my side, facing him. “Thank you for saving my life.” I realised I haven’t said that, and all things aside, he at least deserves my thanks.
He shrugs. “No problem.”
“How do you know all this stuff, about these ... Vârcolac things?”
I see something flicker behind his light eyes. “We’ll talk about it later. Just rest now.” He turns away and pulls open the door.
“Nathan?”
He doesn’t attempt to disguise the sigh and he doesn’t turn around, he just stands there, back to me, a foot out of the room. “Yes?”
“What will happen to me ... if the Vârcolacs find me?”
His back stiffens. “Let’s hope you never find out.” Then he’s gone, the door gently banging in his wake.
I roll onto my back and stare blankly up at the ceiling.
Carrie’s gone.
My heart compresses, squeezing tightly in on itself, the agony unbearable, and sobs break from me. I bury my face into the pillow, trying to muffle the cries coming from me.
It’s my fault. I ended her life, both our lives, the moment I made the decision to step into those woods. It should have been me that died in there, not Carrie. I’m going to have to live with that knowledge for the rest of my existence. Because existing is all I’m doing now. What I’m left with isn’t anything resembling a life.
And it’s nothing less than I deserve.
Chapter 6
Blood Drinker
“Alex?”
“Hmm.”
“Wake up.” A strong hand gently shakes my shoulder.
“Go away, Eddie. I’m tired.” I roll away from his hand, stretching my stiff legs out.
“Alex?”
I sigh loudly and roll back over, forcing my sleep-laden eyes open. “Eddie, for God’s sake–” My words catch in my throat because it’s not Eddie my eyes meet with, it’s Nathan. Of course it is. I’m not at home; I don’t have a home anymore. I’m not me any more, and Carrie’s gone, forever.
The present slams back into me with all its ferocity. The relief sleep offered is no more and the loss of Carrie consumes me all over again. Tears insistently spring to my eyes.
Nathan looks down at me curiously, his green eyes almost luminous in the dusk light. “You okay?” he asks.
I manage a nod as I press my lips together and attempt to swallow down my grief. I’ve cried enough in front of him already. I don’t want to cry again.
But it’s not working. My eyes are swollen with the tears, top lip quivering, chin wobbling. I hold my breath. But a stray tear trickles out from the corner of my eye, snaking its way down my cheekbone, and the feel of that one single tear breaks down all my defences and the grief engulfs me, and there’s not a single thing I can do to stop it. The pain is so intense I feel like my chest is being crushed.
I can’t breathe.
Clutching a hand to my chest, panicked, I sit bolt upright and crash straight into Nathan.
“Whoa, take it easy,” he says, taking hold of me by my shoulders, but I can’t focus on him, or anything. My whole body is shaking, tears streaming down my face.
Carrie’s dead. How can she be dead? It just doesn’t make sense, any of it. And I miss her so much it hurts.
“Alex, you need to calm down.” Nathan takes a firm hold of my chin between his thumb and forefinger, forcing me to look at him.
My eyes flicker back to the now, and when they meet with his, I’m surprised by the intensity I find there.
“Take slow, deep breaths,” he says. It’s not a request.
Knowing he’s got my attention, Nathan slides his hand from my face but stays sitting where he is, which is mere inches from me, so close I can smell his aftershave.
I know he’s only trying to help me but his nearness and fixed gaze are making me uncomfortable for reasons I can’t explain.
I break away from our stare and look out through the window behind him. Red is commanding the sky tonight. It disappears under the remaining clouds, drifting into a soft shade of pink. What is it they say: red sky at night shepherds delight? It really is a beautiful sight. I know it is. I just can’t even begin to appreciate it. How can I ever allow myself to appreciate something when I shouldn’t be the one here to see it? There’s a blackness inside me now coating everything. I already had a gaping, hollow place where my heart should have been - my parents dying saw to that - but now Carrie’s gone, well, whatever was left went with her.
I shut my eyes and take a deep calming breath, forcing my frantic mind and body to still. “I’m sorry,” I utter, as my breathing slows to something close to normal.
“Don’t be.” He moves up the bed putting space between us.
I watch him with interest as he pushes his hair off his forehead and lets out a light sigh. “I’m sorry I had to wake you but it’s time you fed. You should have fed earlier but I didn’t think it was wise to suggest it with the state you were in,
and I know you’re far from great now, obviously, but it’s been far too long and you need to feed.”
I tilt my head and stare at him confused. “What do you mean, 'I need to feed?'.”
He frowns for a fleeting moment. “Feed, you know, on blood.”
A chill runs through me, cutting into my bones. I wrap my arms protectively around myself. “Blood? What are you talking about?” The words practically dribble out of my mouth.
Nathan mirrors me, folding his arms across his chest. I see the muscles flex in his forearms. “You’re a Vârcolac now, Alex. You’re part vampire, therefore a blood drinker. I thought you would have realised … ” He peters off, and I’m assuming it’s because of the look of absolute horror on my face.
My mouth forms the words to speak but nothing comes out.
He unfolds his arms and shakes his head. “You didn’t realise?”
My brain is failing. I’m half expecting it to start trickling out of my ears.
“You need blood,” Nathan says in a careful voice. “Well, you’ll crave it. I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long already without feeling any urges. You can still eat food, Alex, but basically blood is your sustenance, for want of a word.”
My body’s gone numb. I dig my nails into the skin on my arms, just to try and feel something. Taking in a big gulp of air, I attempt to still my erratic heart. My mouth’s gone dry, and the words are gloopy as they leave my mouth. “You’re saying I need to drink blood to stay alive?”
He nods. And I feel sick.
“That can’t be right,” I stammer, holding back the fast rising bile. “You must be wrong. You’ve gotta be wrong.”
As I clutch at straws, Nathan shakes his head empathetically. “For your sake I wish I was, but I’m not.”
Something inside me clicks and then I know what’s happened here. I get it. I almost laugh out loud with relief. I’ve finally cracked and have had a nervous breakdown. With everything I’ve been through over the years it makes sense. I’ve stepped out of reality and into a dream world that I’ve created. That’s it. I’m currently in a dream world, just like Alice in Wonderland, except I’m not in Wonderland, I’m in Horrorland. Actually it’s more like I’m trapped in a Freddie Kruger film. Now all I need to do is find a way to get myself out of this never-ending horror story and back to normal.