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Praise for
SCREWDRIVERED
“Cheers to Alice Clayton! Screwdrivered is a hilarious cocktail of crackling banter, heady sexual tension, and pop-your-cork love scenes. The heroine is brisk and lively (can we be friends, Viv?), and the hot librarian hero seduced me with his barely-restrained sensuality. I’ve never wanted a nerd more.”
—New York Times and USA Today bestselling author Kresley Cole
RUSTY NAILED
“We want to bask in the afterglow: giddy, blushing, and utterly in love with this book.”
—New York Times and USA Today bestselling author Christina Lauren
WALLBANGER
“Sultry, seXXXy, super-awesome . . . we LOVE it!”
—Perez Hilton
“An instant classic, with plenty of laugh-out-loud moments and riveting characters.”
—Jennifer Probst, New York Times bestselling author of Searching for Perfect
“Fun and frothy, with a bawdy undercurrent and a hero guaranteed to make your knees wobbly . . . Wallbanger delivers the perfect blend of sex, romance, and baked goods.”
—Ruthie Knox, bestselling author of About Last Night
“Alice Clayton strikes again, seducing me with her real-woman sex appeal, unparalleled wit, and addicting snark; leaving me laughing, blushing, and craving knock all the paintings off the wall sex of my very own.”
—Humor blogger Brittany Gibbons
“Finally a woman who knows her way around a man and a KitchenAid Mixer. She had us at zucchini bread!”
—Curvy Girl Guide
“A funny, madcap, smexy romantic contemporary . . . Fast pacing and a smooth, flowing storyline will keep you in stitches.”
—Smexy Books
THE REDHEAD PLAYS HER HAND
“This zany and smoking-hot romance will keep readers in stitches as two strong, well-defined protagonists struggle to navigate their relationship while fame, jealousy, and snarky fans attack from all sides. Fast pacing, witty dialogue, and a cast of well-meaning friends provide the script for an Oscar-worthy story about a couple whose journey has delighted readers since the beginning.”
—RT Book Reviews
“Completely sigh worthy . . . a must read for contemporary romance lovers.”
—Fiction Vixen
“As fresh and sassy as ever . . . Alice Clayton makes me laugh, cringe, yell at the characters, and cry.”
—Harlequin Junkie
“I adore Grace and Jack. They have such amazing chemistry. The love that flows between them scorches the pages. These two are soul mates who are destined to be together and you believe that with all your heart.”
—Smexy Books
THE REDHEAD REVEALED
“Witty commentary and playful, hilarious sexual banter adds laughter and realism to this story. It’s unusual when an author can find a healthy sexual balance that translates well to paper without sounding raunchy . . . Hilarious, snarky, smexy, [and] romantic.”
—Smexy Books
“Steamy romance, witty characters, and a barrel full of laughs.”
—The Book Vixen
“The serious parts of the story (Grace’s self-doubts, the long distance between Grace and Jack, and dealing with the paparazzi) together with the fun scenes full of witty remarks and the very hot sex scenes make this book so special and great.The Redhead Revealed will make you laugh, smile, [and] cry, and might also get you thinking about some serious issues.”
—About Happy Books
“Another wonderful addition to this series. I laughed out loud on the airplane reading this baby. It’s funny, sexy, and has an addictive ongoing storyline.”
—Penelope’s Romance Reviews
THE UNIDENTIFIED REDHEAD
“Laugh-out-loud funny.”
—Smokin’ Hot Books
“If you like your contemporaries sexy, funny, and made of pure fun, then get Alice Clayton’s The Unidentified Redhead and get ready for a wild, laughter-filled read about Hollywood, cougars, and poo heads.”
—Smexy Books
“Reading this was the equivalent of going out for martinis with Ms. Clayton and swapping lengthy pop diatribes and chortling our way through witty repartee.”
—Alpha Reader
“Not only was Grace and Jack’s chemistry off the roof, but their romance was an utterly captivating and engaging one that I couldn’t help but gobble up as fast as I could.”
—Larissa’s Bookish Life
This one goes out to all the lovely author ladies who work so hard to feed our addiction: romance novels. I always need a hit.
acknowledgments
This book was inspired by a vacation I took several years ago to the mountains of North Carolina. Surrounded by the beautiful town of Cashiers, with the lakes and the mountains and the quiet and the peaceful, I wondered what it would be like to live in such a magical town. I wondered if romance simply bloomed naturally there, as naturally as the beautiful trees and flowers, or if it had to be cultivated like anywhere else in the world. I further wondered what it would be like for a secret romance novel junkie to be pulled from her everyday life and plopped into the middle of a fantasy. How would she react? Would she see romance everywhere? Like someone who watches lots of porn might begin to assume the pizza delivery guy is there to deliver his own special brand of pepperoni? (This is never the case, btw, in case you were wondering.)
And does a secret romance novel junkie begin to assume that all men have layers to peel? Would she assume that there is a hidden pirate king or lost prince inside every hunky body? Would she miss the real hero simply because he was dressed in tweed instead of swashbuckling buckles?
I scrambled up the ideas a bit, exchanged the mountains for the equally magical coastal town of Mendocino, and Screwdrivered was born.
But this was not an easy birth. No, no, chickens—Mama Alice nearly lost her already batshit mind over this one. This book fought me, kicked me, clawed at me, and tried to tear me in two. In the end, I won. But barely. And only because I had the most amazing team cheering me on and fighting alongside with me.
I’m talking about Team Micki Nuding, the editor who has finally told me that turning in a book two minutes before it’s due (West Coast time, BTW) is not technically allowed. But took it anyway. And she has the hots for Clark.
I’m talking about Team Christina Hogrebe, the agent who shakes her pom poms at exactly the right time and lets me stay in the cave as long as I need to. As long as I turn it in two minutes before it’s due. And she has the hots for Clark.
I’m talking about Team Jessica Royer-Ocken, my sounding board and cleaner upper of commas big and tall. She’s been rooting for me since fourth grade, folks, and she’s still keeping the faith. And she has the hots for Clark.
I’m talking about Team Nina Bocci, my taco and chief life wrangler. She sat across from me in San Francisco while I wrote the last 20k of this book in the lobby of the Westin St. Francis, and ate ramen at a noodle house—even though she was scared of it and just wanted pizza. And she has the hots for Clark.
I’m also talking about Team Christina Lauren, who always wants the best for me, especially when that means I’m getting them fast passes for Space Mountain. Te
am Publicity, including Team Kristin and Team Jules, for keeping me from getting carsick. Team Gallery, including Team Louise and Team Jen, for letting me show them pictures of women with hot dogs flying at their faces, and just getting it and me. Oh yeah, and also helping to create the beauty that is my life now.
Team Family, which includes immediate, extended, absorbed, and created. You let me let my freak flag fly, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Team Mr. Alice, your thumbs are mine and mine alone.
The Team that supports me is a giant web of amazing, stretching and spanning the globe. The tweets, the emails, the reviews, the pimping, the everything you readers do when you tell a friend about that book you just read, and tell me you’re excited about my next book. It’s Team Chicken that I’m most grateful for.
So please read, enjoy, chuckle, swoon, it’s all good. Keep reading all those amazing romance novels out there, and please. Tell a friend when you find a good one. Caring is sharing, chickens.
Alice
XOXO
chapter one
Standing atop a lonely hill, Vivian gazed out upon the turbulent sea. Voluptuous and shapely, she cut a striking silhouette. Resembling the siren she was purported to be, she looked to the west. A dark ship appeared on the horizon, and with its sighting, her pulse quickened. Was it the dark pirate captain who haunted her dreams? A tall and fierce warrior, his face was full of fury. And passion. With just a glance from him, her loins quivered. With a touch . . . implosion.
Was it he? Returning from faraway lands and adventures she could only dream of, would he pillage and plunder her body as only he could? Would the pirate bestow upon her the treasure of his manhood? Or would he cast her aside as an empty booty?
Would he?
Would he?
Would he care for another Diet Dr Pepper?
Wait, what?
I was torn from my pirate fantasy by the nasal, weenie voice of Richard Harrison, CPA.
“Can I get another Diet Dr Pepper, please? And for the lady, another—what was it you’re having, Viv?”
“Scotch. Water. Neat,” I answered, looking across the table at the latest in a long line of blind dates. Set up by my mother, which should have been my first clue to say no and run screaming into that good night. Not that she didn’t have good taste; she’d picked a looker with Richard. Strike that—he was a looker if that’s what you were into.
Brown hair. Brown eyes. Brown chinos, perfectly creased. White button-down. White teeth. Blindingly white, actually; I was pretty sure when he smiled chimes went off. Every time a CPA smiled, a fairy got its wings?
Jesus, Viv, get a grip.
I sipped my Scotch, wincing not only at the good burn, but at the bad turn this conversation was taking. Tax laws over appetizers. Nothing like a little burrata caprese with a side of capital gains.
I’d gotten through the first twenty minutes of Current Bad Date by letting my mind wander to my favorite place, Romance Novel Central. But now even the thought of pirates marauding through my underwear couldn’t spare me from the drone of brown-brown-brown-white-white-boring.
I let my eyes wander around the restaurant, fingering the small locket around my neck. Shell-pink and ivory, the tiny cameo had been given to me when I was thirteen. A family heirloom, it had been given to me as a confirmation gift. My family was still active in the church; not so much me. Although I did love a good fish fry. With a side of guilt, thank you very much. Which was why I was here on a Friday night instead of relaxing with a good book.
Directly above my heirloom cameo was a face “framed by wisps of dark curly hair, with golden tanned skin, and sea-glass-green eyes.” This is how my mother sold me to Richard Harrison, CPA, and aforementioned weenie. I did in fact have dark curly hair, all two inches of it, and I did have green eyes. Golden skin? Well, it was tan, I’ll give her that. But what she neglected to mention was the barbell in my left eyebrow. She usually also left out the nose piercing, tongue piercing, and the tattoo at the base of my neck. When I took off my leather jacket earlier, it made Mr. Harrison cringe a bit, but he held his own. Barely five two in socks but almost five four in my favorite combat boots, I knew very well the image I was projecting—certainly one at odds with the familyfriendly TGI McGeneric restaurant he’d brought me to. All the great restaurants in South Philadelphia, and he brings me here?
Why in the world did I let myself get talked into another blind date?
Because you’re single, you’ve never been in love, and you’re Desperately Seeking Pirate?
True. I’d also take a cowboy. Or a fireman. Or an estranged prince separated from his royal bloodline by a ruthless uncle hell-bent on obtaining the throne, especially when it came along with the maiden princess from a rival kingdom, the most beautiful creature in all the land. Too bad for the uncle that the maiden had been de-maidened by said prince on a bed of snowy-white down feathers. And when the prince thrust into his lady love, her nails scored into his back like those of an eagle taking flight, a flight into passionate—
Whoa. No more Scotch.
Ten solid minutes later of listening to him wax poetic about tax shelters and Roth IRAs, I set my glass down and stared at him. I could be luxuriating in a bubble bath and inside my head with the pirate king, but I was listening to this? I was perfectly capable of finding my own dates, a fact I lectured my mother about over and over again. Though actually putting this capability into practice was a different matter; a practice I didn’t really engage in. It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested in dating; I was. To a point. I just didn’t have any patience for the small-talk two-step that one needed to engage in to catch a feller.
I knew that life couldn’t be like a romance novel, where someone could fall hopelessly in love with her soul mate the moment they met eyes across a crowded room.
Preposterous.
Or that you could be whisked off into a world of fantasy and excitement by a handsome stranger, instantly connect, and be in perfect sexual sync from the second his mammoth male member teased your delicate flower petals.
The idea.
Or that there was a billionaire bad boy at the head of every Fortune 100 company who was in his late twenties, six feet, three inches of barely tamed unchecked male aggression who was waiting for a tiny waif of a girl with no self-esteem and Chuck Taylor sneakers with no socks to knock him off his pedestal and change the course of his life over a two-martini lunch and a quickie in the restaurant ladies’ room.
For the record? Wearing Chucks with no socks makes your feet stink like bags of disgusting.
However. For all the ridiculous perpetuated in a romance novel, I still longed for the fantasy. The fairy tale. The wonderful give and take that occurred when two became one. So I went out on dates, met guys in bars, picked them up occasionally, and had the mostly bland, occasionally inventive, sex of the single-girl encounters. Orgasms, whether by my own hand or someone else’s, could never be discounted. So when my mother wore me down every few months about being the only one of my siblings who wasn’t married, I relented and let her set me up on blind dates.
My type and my mother’s type were as different as tuna fish and a curling iron. I liked a bad boy, and had enjoyed some a time or two. I preferred them a bit rough, tough looking. Messy hair? Yes, please. Artistic? Yes, please—musician, painter, performance artist, what have you.
My mother’s type was everyone’s type: good provider, steady, accomplished, smart, sociable at parties, and enough sperm to breed Catholic guilt into the next generation several times over.
And in this latest surge of motherly influence, no doubt spawned by the birth of her third grandchild and her wild desire to have a baker’s dozen, lately she had been setting up dates for me like it was going out of style. In the last two weeks alone I’d been out with Harry Thomson, Tommy Dickerson, and now Richard Harrison. A financial planner, a tax lawyer, and no
w a CPA. Same guy, same pants, same brain. Tom, Dick, and Harry? Oh hell, no . . .
“So I said to the guy, if you want to roll over all of this into a 401(k) I’ll do that, but you’d miss out on the more attractive shelter over here! So what I proposed was—”
“Dick? Can I call you Dick?”
“Actually, I’d prefer Richard, but—”
“Dick, I’m going to stop you right here. This was a mistake.”
He looked crestfallen. “Darn it all, I knew we should have ordered the chicken fingers. This berretta cheese is a little too exotic for my taste too. Let me see if I can get our waitress and—”
He held up his hand for some help with his “berretta,” and I slapped mine on the table.
“It’s not the cheese, it’s not the restaurant, it’s not even you, Dick. It’s me. I should never have let my mother talk me into this.”
“Your mother is terrific. Great assets.”
“No more asset talk. I want to be romanced; I want to be swept away—I want something special, rare, passionate, out of the ordinary!” I replied, my voice rising as I got worked up. I leaned across the table. “I want someone who will sweep everything off the table, throw me across it, and ravage me to within an inch of my life. Can you do that, Dick?” I slammed down the rest of my Scotch, meeting his eyes in challenge.
“Passionate? Out of the ordinary?” He gulped, pulling at his tie. Then a strange look came over his face. “You mean like, in the butt?” he whispered with an exaggerated wink.
Oh. My. God.
“How we doing over here?” a cheerful voice asked, and I looked up into the face of our waitress.
“Dick needs some chicken fingers.” I sighed, taking a twenty out of my purse and setting it on the table next to my empty glass. I pushed back from the table, went around to his side, and patted him on the shoulder. “Sorry this didn’t work out.” The relief was so very evident on his face it was almost comical. He started to stand, and I waved him off as I grabbed my jacket and headed for the door.