I walk over to the bed and fall down on the mattress. "It's terrible," I say with a smile.
He laughs. "I know. But it's free." He sits down next to me on the bed and his phone rings. Now knowing what each phone call could mean to him, I'm almost as anxious as he is when he retrieves it from his pocket. I can see the disappointment set in when he sees Utah's name. He answers it on speaker. "Yeah?"
"Did you take the roll of trash bags over there?"
"No, they're on the dresser in the guest room."
"'K, thanks," Utah says before disconnecting the call. Sagan falls back onto the mattress and stares at his phone for a moment, then puts it back in his pocket.
I pull my legs up onto the bed and cross them, facing him. I want to ask him more about his family . . . what he thinks happened to them . . . if he thinks there's still any hope of ever finding out what happened to them. He must see the torn look on my face, because he reaches for my hand and laces his fingers through mine.
"I'm sure with time I'll get used to it never being them," he says. "But I still have hope."
I try to smile reassuringly, but I'm not sure it comes across that way. Because I can see in his eyes that he doesn't really have hope left for their situation. It makes me sad for him. I look at the arm attached to the hand that's holding mine. I touch the tattoo that says "Your turn, Doctor," and trace the letters.
He reaches up and presses a thumb to my forehead, right between my eyes. "Stop worrying about me," he whispers, smoothing out my furrowed brow. "I've had years to get used to it. I'm okay."
I nod, and then he pulls me down to the bed next to him. I press my cheek against his chest and we just lie quietly for a while.
I want to ask him about what my father said this morning--about how he chose to move here so he could be involved with me. But I also don't want him to know that I know.
Instead, I pull his arm closer and trace another one of his tattoos. I touch the numbered coordinates. "What's the location of these coordinates?"
"It's not that hard to figure out. All you have to do is type the coordinates into your phone."
Why didn't I think of that?
I reach for my phone and roll onto my back. I open Google Maps and type in the coordinates, 33deg08'16.8"N, 95deg36'04.4"W. When the location pops up on my phone, I stare at it. I zoom in. I stare at it some more. "But . . . I'm confused. The other day you said those coordinates are where you were born."
Sagan lifts up onto his elbow and takes my phone out of my hands, setting it on the bed beside my head. He's leaning over me when he says, "That's not what I said. You asked me if it was where I was born and I said, 'Close to it.' "
"You said you were born in Kansas. Those coordinates lead to our town square where you kissed me. In Texas. That's nowhere close to where you were born."
"Exactly," he says, brushing the hair from my forehead. "It's not where I was born. It's where you buried me."
I stare at him in quiet shock for a moment. I try to hide my smile, but it's hard when he's smiling right back at me. "That kiss was tattoo-worthy to you?"
He shakes his head. "I didn't get the tattoo because it was where I kissed you for the first time. I got it because it's where I met you." He slips a hand behind my neck and then slowly lowers his mouth to mine. "But the kiss was nice, wasn't it?" he whispers.
Our mouths connect, and it's soft and delicate. It's not accidental, like our first kiss, it's not deceiving, like our second, and it's not frantic, like our third. This kiss is the first genuine kiss we've shared, and I want to drag it out for as long as I can. His lips move over mine with patience, and I love the patience in this kiss more than anything else. It means we both know there will be many more that follow.
He rolls on top of me, and as soon as we get in the most perfect position I've ever been in while kissing him, my phone rings. Sagan laughs against my mouth and reluctantly pulls away. I pick up my phone and see that it's Honor. I debate not answering it, but I'm actually a little excited she's calling me. We never talk on the phone, so it's just more proof that maybe things really have changed between us.
"Hello?"
"Hey," she says. "Dad just got home. Better get your ass back over here."
I hang up and press a quick kiss to Sagan's mouth. "Dad's back, gotta go."
He wraps a tight arm around me and pulls me to him, giving me another quick kiss before he shoves me away. "See you at dinner, Mer."
I smile and run back home.
Home.
This is the first time I've ever referred to Dollar Voss as home.
THE END.
If you would like more information on depression, please visit The Anxiety and Depression Association of America at https://www.adaa.org/.
Acknowledgments
The thing I love most about writing is having the freedom to write what inspires me. Sometimes these stories are heavier than the actual books that contain them, and sometimes they're quirky and fun. But the one constant with every book I write is the support I receive from you, the readers. Thank you for allowing me the freedom to continue to love what I do, year after year.
A huge thank-you to CoHorts. 2017 has been my favorite year yet with you all. We laugh together, we cry together, we talk books together. I'm convinced we have the biggest online group with the fewest dickheads. I love that about us.
To my family. This deadline hit harder than most, but none of you complained. To my face, anyway. Thank you for that.
To my husband, who is my heart, my soul, my best friend. I can't do this without you. Literally. I cannot do anything without you. Life, laundry, this career. Stick around for eternity, okay?
To Levi. You're my favorite child. I love you.
To the few who I dragged along during this particular writing experience. Brooke Howard, Joy Nichols, Kay Miles, and my mother. I LOVE ALL OF YOU!
To my editor, who would be dang near sane if it weren't for her favorite author. Seriously, Johanna Castillo, I will forever appreciate your immense patience with this book and with me.
To Beckham. You're my favorite child. I love you.
A huge thank-you to my agents at Dystel & Goderich. To my publishers at Atria Books. To my publicist, Ariele Fredman, for always rocking it, even through creating a new life.
To Cale. You're my favorite child. I love you.
And a HUGE thank-you to Brandon Adams for supplying Sagan's drawings and also for decorating The Bookworm Box with your talent. You are amazing and generous, and I'm happy to be able to call you a friend.
READING GROUP GUIDE
WITHOUT
MERIT
a novel
COLLEEN HOOVER
This reading group guide for Without Merit includes an introduction, discussion questions, and ideas for enhancing your book club. The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for your discussion. We hope that these ideas will enrich your conversation and increase your enjoyment of the book.
Introduction
The Voss family is quirky, flawed, and full of secrets. With everything going on at Dollar Voss, it's easy for Merit to feel pushed to the side or completely ignored. She starts to believe that it would be no great loss to her family if one day she were gone. But before she goes, Merit decides it's time to clear the air of her family's darkest secrets and force them to finally face the truth about one another. When she suddenly realizes that she doesn't want to leave after all, it's too late. Merit and the rest of the Voss clan are forced to deal with the layers of lies that have tied their family together, and the staggering power of love and truth.
Topics and Questions for Discussion
1. Merit collects trophies she hasn't won, buying a new one whenever something goes terribly wrong in her life. Is there anything you like to collect? Why?
2. Honesty is a common theme and a big deal for Merit throughout the novel. How different would the Voss family's relationships be if they were more ho
nest and open with one another?
3. Another prevalent theme is perspective. Luck tells Merit that after only a week he could tell that she lives in her own version of reality. How has Merit's perspective skewed the way she treats and passes judgment on herself and others?
4. Merit constantly compares herself to her twin sister, Honor; always painting herself in a harsh, unforgiving light. How has this affected her sense of identity and self-worth? How has it affected her relationship with Honor?
5. While Merit's sense of identity is constantly in conflict with Honor's, Utah's identity is rooted firmly in what others think and believe of him. How did this lead to what he did to Merit? How did it inform his behavior afterward?
6. Merit keeps her feelings buried inside, like a lidded pot that's about to boil over, letting searing bits of truth spill out every so often until eventually pouring out every scalding secret into her letter. Why is it so easy for her to be candid about others' secrets yet so difficult for her to express her own truths?
7. "Not every mistake deserves a consequence. Sometimes the only thing it deserves is forgiveness." Consider the letter Merit wrote and all of the secrets and mistakes that were revealed in it and afterward. Do you agree with this? Why?
8. Sagan tells Merit, "Tuqburni is used to describe the all-encompassing feeling of not being able to live without someone. Which is why the literal translation is 'You bury me.' " How does Merit interpret these words? What does it reveal about her self-perception?
9. Luck opens up about his own struggle with depression and attempt to take his own life. Compare his experience to Merit's. What led each of them to believe suicide was their only solution? Or that their absence would be met with indifference?
10. As Merit goes through the checklist of the Symptoms of Depression (pages 265-66), she confirms that she's experienced all of them. Think back on Merit's behavior throughout the novel and identify examples of each. Why are many of these symptoms so easily brushed aside by some as being normal teenage behavior? When do they become a sign of a deeper imbalance?
11. Despite efforts to raise awareness about mental illness, mental health and its treatment are extremely stigmatized. How does Luck try to help Merit see that suffering from mental illness and seeking treatment doesn't make her any different from anyone else?
12. In the end, why is it so important that Barnaby Voss decides it's time for the whole family to go to therapy? What does it mean to Merit and for Merit in particular?
Enhance Your Book Club
1. Have an open and honest discussion about mental health with members of your book club and/or at home with your family and friends.
2. Visit sites like the SuicidePreventionLifeline.org, National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI.org), ProjectSemicolon.com, and To Write Love on Her Arms (twloha.com) to learn more and keep the conversation going.
3. To learn more about Colleen Hoover, check out her other books, and find her on tour, follower her on social media and visit her at https://www.colleenhoover.com/.
About the Author
COLLEEN HOOVER is the #1 New York Times best-selling author of Slammed, Point of Retreat, This Girl, Hopeless, Losing Hope, Finding Cinderella, Maybe Someday, Maybe Not, Ugly Love, Confess, November 9, and It Ends with Us. Colleen has won the Goodreads Choice Award for Best Romance twice--for Confess in 2015 and It Ends with Us in 2016. Confess was adapted into a seven-episode online series. In 2015, Colleen and her family founded The Bookworm Box, a book-store and monthly subscription service offering signed novels donated by authors. All profits are given to various charities each month to help those in need. Colleen lives in Texas with her husband and their three boys. Visit ColleenHoover.com.
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Read more from #1 New York Times bestselling author Colleen Hoover
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Confess
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November 9
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It Ends with Us
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Slammed
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Point of Retreat
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This Girl
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Losing Hope
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Finding Cinderella
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Maybe Someday
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Maybe Not
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ORDER YOUR COPIES TODAY!
Also by Colleen Hoover
Slammed
Point of Retreat
This Girl
Hopeless
Losing Hope
Finding Cinderella
Maybe Someday
Ugly Love
Maybe Not
Confess
November 9
It Ends with Us
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This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author's imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
Copyright (c) 2017 by Colleen Hoover All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
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Interior design by Alexis Minieri
Artwork created by Brandon Adams
Jacket design by Laywan Kwan
Jacket photograph by Plainpicture/Anja Weber-Decker Author photograph by Chad Griffith Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Hoover, Colleen, author.
Title: Without merit : a novel / Colleen Hoover.
Description: First Atria Paperback edition. | New York : Atria Paperback, 2017.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017022805 (print) | LCCN 2017026059 (ebook) | ISBN 9781501170638 (eBook) | ISBN 9781501170621 (paperback) | ISBN 9781501179761 (library edition) Subjects: LCSH: Domestic fiction. | Psychological fiction. | BISAC: FICTION / Contemporary Women. | FICTION Family Life. | FICTION Psychological.
Classification: LCC PS3608.O623 (ebook) | LCC PS3608.O623 W58 2017 (print) | DDC 813/.6--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017022805
ISBN 978-1-50117976-1
ISBN 978-1-50117062-1 (pbk)
ISBN 978-1-50117063-8 (ebook)
Colleen Hoover, Without Merit
(Series: # )
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