“About what?”
“If happy tears taste the same as the sad ones,” he says.
His words make me cry even harder. I can’t control them. I’m just so overwhelmed with everything. “And?” I manage.
“I think they’re sweeter,” he says and kisses me, “but it could just be your face.” We dissolve into peals of laughter.
I hear voices.
I bolt up in bed. For a few seconds I have no idea where I am. The room is small. There are grates on the windows. The bed isn’t Caleb’s.
“I can’t come back in three hours. I need to speak with her now,” a man says. The voice is familiar, but I don’t know why. I’m having trouble placing it.
It’s Reed. Caleb’s not here, remember?
I feel tears rolling down my cheeks and clogging my throat. I’m awake now. I remember where I am. I’m in the hospital. Caleb is gone. I’m alone in the dark again.
Only a few seconds ago, I held Caleb in my arms. I touched him. I smelled him. I tasted his flesh in my mouth. And now, he was gone. I’d forgotten.
The pain of remembering knocks the wind out of me and I take a deep breath. When I exhale, the sound coming out of me is pure grief. He was just here. He was just in my arms and I lost him.
“Help me! Please!” I beg. I’m not sure whom I’m begging. Maybe it’s God. Maybe it’s the devil. I just want the pain to go away.
The door to my room bursts open.
“Olivia?!?” Reed yells.
I don’t acknowledge him. I’m on my knees with my head pressed into the bed and I’m sobbing. I shut my eyes tightly, willing myself to go back to sleep. I want to go back to my dream, back to Caleb. I can’t fucking breathe! I can’t breathe without him. I don’t want to.
“What’s wrong?” Reed says urgently, “Are you hurt? Talk to me!”
Go away, go away, go away.
“This is a hospital, Agent Reed! Please, put away the gun!” a woman says.
“I love you, Caleb. I love you! If you care for me at all…please, don’t do this! Please, don’t leave me. I don’t know how to live without you. Don’t make me go back to trying to be someone I don’t know how to be anymore.”
“Livvie….”
“No!”
I scream in my sorrow. I can’t help it. I would if I could. I know they’re watching me. I can feel their hot stares against my back. They don’t get it. No one does. I’m all alone and it’s Caleb’s fault.
“Please,” I beg. “Please make it stop.”
“Miss Ruiz?” Reed says cautiously, “Livvie?”
“Step back, Agent Reed. She’s having some sort of break right now and she could hurt you if you get too close. Wait for the orderlies,” says the woman.
“She’s not going to hurt anyone. I’ll take my chances,” Reed says.
“Sir –”
“She’s a witness in a federal investigation and I need to talk to her right the fuck now. I don’t want her doped up. Get out!” Reed yells and his presence is beginning to penetrate the fog of my grief.
I keep telling myself to breathe. I keep reminding myself I’ve been here for days. Caleb has been gone for days. He wasn’t here. I never touched him. I never held him.
“Live for me, Kitten. Be all those things you’d never be with me. Go to school. Meet a normal boy and fall in love. Forget me.”
“I can’t!” I yell into the void.
Breathe!
Breathe!
Breathe.
Breathe.
I hear the door open and shut. I wonder if I’m alone, but I can’t will myself to look up. A tentative hand touches my back and I sob.
“Livvie?” says Reed.
“Go away,” I sob.
“I…can’t leave you like this,” he says. He sounds uncomfortable.
“I’m fine. Please, go.”
“You’re not fine. You’re a wreck,” he says angrily.
“Why are you here?” I whisper. Talking to Reed is pulling me further away from my dream, my grief. I’m not sure I’m ready. I’m too raw and I can’t face him.
“There’s been movement on my case. It’s all happening fast.”
“What does that mean, Reed?” I say, exhausted.
He sighs heavily, as if he’s struggling under a tremendous weight. It makes me curious, despite myself. “I came…to hear the rest of your story.”
My heart starts to race. Movement on the case, he’d said. I know Reed is lying, but about what?
Caleb!
I sit up fast, dizzy for a moment and Reed steadies me. I grab his suit jacket and pull him close. I’m frantic. Reed’s hands grab my shoulders and he pushes me. Hard. As I’m falling backward he reaches for my forearm and quickly jerks me onto the bed. I rail against him, slapping and kicking, but before I know it, he’s pinned my arms to my chest and sat on my legs.
“Get off me!”
“Calm down!”
I look at Reed for the first time since he’s come in. He’s panting hard and his dark hair is a disheveled mess that mirrors the state of his shirt and jacket.
“Did you find his body?” I whisper. I don’t know what I’ll do if he says yes.
“What? No. No!” Reed says. His expression has gone from anger to pity.
The news is a relief, but I can’t stop crying. Reed slowly lets me go and I roll onto my side with my back to him. Reed rubs my back, but then seems to realize what he is doing and he walks away. I hear him sit in the chair.
“What’s wrong?” he asks after a few minutes.
My sobbing has died away and I answer, “Bad dream. Well, not really. The only bad part was waking up and realizing….” I couldn’t continue.
Reed is quiet for a while. I’m quiet too. It’s the middle of the night and his presence is a dark omen. Something has happened and as much as I want to know – I don’t want to know.
Finally, Reed clears his throat, “If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep,” he whispers. I’m not surprised he knows Shakespeare. Reed is a very smart man.
I smile in spite of the sorrow I feel, “Twelfth Night, Sebastian says those words to Olivia.”
“I know. I attended the eleventh grade,” he says. His smile is wry.
“Wasn’t that like a million years ago? I’m surprised you remember it,” I whisper. My face feels crusty with dried tears and I’m sure my face is a mess, but I’m finally starting to feel a little better. My thoughts and memories of the last several days are organizing themselves in my head and clarity is returning. I’ve heard it said, time heals all wounds, but if a dream can pull you so deeply into your past you can’t remember the present, I’m not sure my wounds will ever heal. Caleb lives in my dreams.
“I remember it just barely, Miss Ruiz,” says Reed.
I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling. My flickering bulb has long been replaced, but I can still hear the hum and follow along: on-off-on-off-buzz-on. “Why are you here, Reed?” I whisper. I stay focused on the ceiling, focused on my breathing, and try to prepare for what I’m about to hear.
“I told you, to hear the rest of your story,” he says rather seriously.
“It’s not the only reason though, is it?”
“No. It isn’t.” He clears his throat again, “Does the name, James Cole, mean anything to you?”
I’m confused. “No. Why?”
“It came up and I needed to know; that’s all,” Reed says. “Never mind. I guess it’s not important.”
“You wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important, Reed.” He’s piqued my interest and I struggle into a sitting position so I can see his face and gage him better. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.
Reed leans forward with his arms rested on his knees. “I came to tell you the charges against you are being dropped.” He says it in a rush, flat but full of something else. “Once you’re cleared by your doctor, I’ve been instructed to debrief you. Sign some paperwork and you should be able to leave today.”
“What!?!” I exclaim, my mind reeling. The news is a shock to my system. I’m not ready to go. I’m not ready to start over. I’m not ready to accept Caleb is gone and I have to face the world alone.
“We know where the auction is being held and we know some of the persons attending,” he says. “I wish I could tell you more, but I’ve been instructed to keep it in house. All I can say, is that it’s over, Livvie. You’re free. And you’re safe. You get to have your life back, and so do the other victims.”
My heartbeat feels erratic. I can’t let Reed leave without knowing everything. I need him to understand. My information, my testimony, was my only bargaining chip. Without his need for it, I’m at a loss. “H-how do you know where the auction is?” I ask frantically.
Reed looks at me, “Why do you say it like that?” he demanded, eyes narrowing, “What is it you’re not telling me?”
“Please, Reed. You have to tell me what you know. I’ve been spilling my guts to you for over a damn week. Please don’t keep me in the dark. I deserve to know!” I’m begging him, but I don’t feel ashamed.
“This case is more complicated than anyone could have expected, Miss Ruiz. It’s out of my hands at this point. The Federal Investigation Agency in Pakistan has agreed to lead a joint task force.” Reeds face becomes sour, “Oh, but I’ve been assured my involvement will be mentioned in the report!” Reed stands up and starts to pace. His anger and frustration is plain, but I don’t understand where it’s coming from.
“What does that mean, Reed? What happens once they arrest everyone?” I want to get off the bed and follow Reed as he paces the small room, but I know it will only annoy him and he might not tell me anything.
“It depends,” he says through gritted teeth. He stands still for a moment, thinking something over. When he returns from his thoughts he looks at me and I see regret in his eyes. My heart almost stops.
“There isn’t going to be a trial,” Reed says. He starts pacing again, a fist at the nape of his neck. “I knew it could go down this way. I didn’t want to believe it, but I knew. I’ve been arguing with my boss for the last few hours. There’s just….” Reed seems at a loss. “There’ll be plenty of arrests, I’m sure. The people meant to be auctioned will undoubtedly be given sanctuary, but…there won’t be any justice. Not the kind those victims deserve.”
“How can that be?” I sob. “How can you let that happen?”
“Rafiq is a high level military officer in the Pakistan Army, Livvie. His government isn’t going to allow a scandal to get out. They’ve agreed to let our government be a part of the raid in exchange for keeping their people out of it. When the dust settles, they’re the ones to decide who was there and who wasn’t, that’s how international politics work.”
I feel like someone has hit me in the chest with a battering ram. For the second time in my life, I understand Caleb’s thirst for vengeance. I could kill. I’ve done it before and I don’t feel bad about it. Some people deserve to die.
Tears are running from my eyes without ceasing, I’m soaked through with them. I’m not sad, though. I’m filled with rage and I have no way to let it out. There’s no one to kill, nothing to hit, and nowhere to go.
“Reed,” I sob, “I have to tell you something. Please, please try to understand. I need your help.” My hands are clasped together and I’m holding them so tightly to my chest I can feel my thumb leaving a bruise.
Reed scrubs his hands over his face, “Please don’t tell me something incriminating, Miss Ruiz. There’s nothing I can do right now and if I have to put you back under arrest, it’s going to seriously put a shitty end to an already shitty day. All I have is my integrity. Don’t make me choose between it and you.”
“Please, Reed! I have to tell you the rest of my story,” I plead. It’s the most important part, the part I’ve been saving until I knew I could trust Reed. I just hope I’m not too late.
“I’ve heard all I need to know. My job was to investigate the border incident. You’ve been cleared of charges. My job was to locate the auction – done. I did my job. I came here to tell you you’re free to go and I was willing to listen to the rest of your story if it would give you closure, but if you’re just going to incriminate yourself, I don’t want to hear it. If I hear it, I’ll act on it. Do you understand?”
Reed is angry, but I don’t care. Caleb is too important. He’s sacrificed so much for me, even to the point of protecting me from myself. I would have followed him anywhere, done anything he asked of me, but he’d cared enough not to let me. For all I knew, he would be at the auction, trying to kill Vladek and getting himself killed in the process. It was my turn to save him.
“Please,” I beg, “you have to help him. If you arrest him, I know he’ll live. There’s no telling what will happen to him if he’s in Pakistan. You said it yourself, Rafiq has a lot of power over there. Please! Please, Reed! Help him.”
Reed stands deadly still, but his chest rises and falls harshly with each breath. “Are you telling me Caleb is alive?” Reed hisses.
My heart is racing. “No. Not yet. But if he were? Could you help him?”
“Goddamn it, Livvie!” Reed kicks the chair, “You lied to me!”
“Maybe! Maybe, I did,” I plead. I don’t know if wording things hypothetically changes anything, but I have to try. I have to know if Reed can help me. I have to know if he will. “I needed time and you weren’t giving me any,” I sob, “You came in here, asking me all kinds of questions and calling me a fucking terrorist. What was I supposed to do?”
“You were supposed to tell me the truth! That was the deal. You tell me the truth and I help you,” Reed says and resumes pacing.
“I did tell you the truth! I told you everything you needed to know. I helped you find the auction, but here you are – telling me there’s no justice! So who’s the liar, Reed?” I cry.
Reed turns and glares at me. He looks a lot of things: angry, exhausted, and sad. Finally, he looks away and collapses into the chair.
“Reed?” I hedge closer.
“There’s nothing I can do, Livvie. The team is already on its way and the FIA is calling the shots,” he says.
His words play in a loop in my head until they’re reduced to their true meaning: I’ll never see Caleb again. I feel dead inside. Empty. Hollow. Vivisected.
“There…has to be something,” I croak.
Reed shakes his head.
In my head, I can hear myself screaming. I can see myself clawing at my skin and tearing at my hair. In reality, I’m motionless, no tears, no screams, no flesh being torn from my bones.
Reed is silent. He can’t help me. No one can.
My thoughts turn to Caleb and the last days we spent together.
***
Caleb had been gone for hours. I sat on the floor, next to his gun, waiting for something to happen, anything to happen. Several times, I thought about leaving the room and searching for him, but kept talking myself out of it. Caleb had said to wait. I waited.
A feeling of dread began to settle over me when I saw light peeking in around the curtains. The sun was coming up and Caleb still hadn’t returned. I wondered if Celia might come back, but I doubted it. Our bridge was well and truly burned. My only solace was in knowing she would keep Felipe from hurting me.
Suddenly, there was a hard thump on the door, then another. My heart felt like it had leapt up into my throat, but then I remembered Caleb had said he would knock twice. I reached for the gun, just in case.
I watched as the handle turned and when the door swung open I could barely process what I saw. Caleb stood in the doorway. He was covered in dirt. He was smeared with blood.
“Caleb?” I managed to whisper, but still couldn’t move.
He wouldn’t move from the doorway. He just stood there, his eyes fixed on some distant point. He looked like he’d been crying. His blue eyes were ringed with red and swollen. He had a cut on his forehead and blood dripped onto his eye. He didn’t blink.
Instantly, I was in tears. Something terrible had happened. Something awful! Slowly, I stood up. I grabbed the shirt Caleb had left and pulled it on over my head. We had to go and it was going to be up to me to get us out. I scrambled for a pair of pants and found a pair of Caleb’s boxers instead.
Caleb never moved.
“Caleb?” I whispered and came a little closer. His mouth turned down briefly, like he’d been about to cry, but then his face returned to a catatonic state. “You’re scaring me, Caleb. Please, say something,” I sobbed.
Tears fell from his open eyes.
It was more than I could bear to see him in so much pain and not know why. I rushed forward and wrapped my arms around him. “Please, Caleb! Wake the fuck up!”
His weight collapsed on top of me and we fell. As I lay flat on my back, Caleb pulled me close and released an agonized wail into my chest. The sound terrified me and I wrapped my arms around him, holding him as tight as he held me. It was all I could do. His entire body trembled and shook with the force of his gut wrenching sobs. I felt like a knife was buried in my intestines and someone kept turning the blade. The only thing I could do to keep from screaming was hold him.
My hand shook as I stroked his hair, “Shh, Caleb. Shh. It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay.” I sobbed when he pulled me tighter and tried to bury himself deeper into my chest.
His hair was stiff and brittle – gritty with sand.
He’s been digging. He’s covered in blood.
“Shh, baby,” I whispered and kept stroking Caleb’s hair. He was barely allowing me to breathe, he gripped me so tightly. “Whose blood is this?”
I felt him shaking his head, fast, angry. He accidentally nudged my chin and I winced. “Okay. It’s okay. I don’t need to know.”
I was at a loss for how to reach him. The man in my arms wasn’t Caleb, he was a shell of a human being. Primal and stripped bare. I had my suspicions about whose blood Caleb wore, but I didn’t dare say it out loud.
He killed his only friend. For me.
My chest shook with the force of the sobs I kept trapped in my chest. Caleb needed me and I couldn’t help him by falling apart. “We have to go, Caleb,” I whispered. “It’s not safe for us here.”
Caleb moved fast. He lifted himself off my chest and caged me in with his body. He looked predatory and I knew instinctively, not to scream. His eyes raked over me, moving quickly from my eyes, to my mouth, to my neck, all the way down to my feet. I wasn’t sure he even knew who I was.
My fingers hurt after being ripped away from his hair so abruptly. There were several strands intertwined with my fingers. Without moving, I let my eyes cut to my hand. Caleb followed my eyes and when I slowly lifted my hand, he watched it intently. I put my fingers to the wound on his head, wiping away the blood. He needed stitches. Caleb closed his eyes and let me touch him.
“We have to go. Please…let’s go,” I repeated. Caleb’s eyes flew open and narrowed on my face. For several seconds all he did was stare.
“Mine,” he whispered.
“Yours,” I said.
Caleb brought his mouth down on mine with such ferocity I almost pushed him away. The timing was terrible. Our lives were in danger. But Caleb needed me. He needed to be close and I owed it to him to give him what he needed.
I put my fear aside and opened my mouth to him, letting his tongue invade my mouth. He groaned when I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him down on top of me. I pulled at the filth covered shirt he wore and broke our kiss just long enough to pull it over his head. Sand and, I was sure, blood, fell onto my face, but I brushed in away with the back of my hand and went back to kissing Caleb.
His hands seemed to be everywhere at once, touching my hair, pulling me close, squeezing my breasts. His knee planted itself between my knees, prying