Later in the evening, after several more shots of 'shine, Big Dog won the bet with unexpected results.
****
"Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Guthrie wrote this song. At least versions of it, then other people changed it to suit themselves. Here is our version."
They went through their version—which was just as political as Woody's, if in a different way. Then, "Okay, folks. Now for something really depressing . . .
Gloom, despair and agony . . .
They sang several German-translated versions and a couple about figures in Grantville.
Then . . .
Lovers pass by each other on the wrong track
Live their lonely lives wondering where love went.
Maria's sweet on Ducky, it rolls right off his back.
Osanna likes the Big Dog, but he don't get the scent.
Johan had started the verse, but Rudi—also in his cups—had joined right in. The audience, not knowing the players, had no clue that Johan had just swallowed, digested and defecated his foot, all in one verse. They were laughing and having a swell old time. What was worse, the Old Folks themselves, from their height of many years, were laughing so hard that Rudi was afraid Mrs. Carpenter might lose bladder control.
Maria and Osanna were not laughing, and Ducky and Big Dog were looking confused. It became suddenly clear to Rudi why the two hadn't finished high school even in the up-timer world. Rudi then looked over at the girls and realized that his life expectancy was uncertain, at best.
****
Ducky looked up as he heard his name, and while he wasn't drunk, he wasn't totally sober either. So the significance of what he was hearing wasn't immediately apparent. Big Dog, on the other hand, was pretty blitzed after all that 'shine, so he hadn't noticed much of anything.
Mama was getting kind of purple in the face, though. And sputtering. "Wh— Wh— Well, I'll be damned. I can't believe it! Those little German tramps! They put those guys up to this! Trying to snag an up-timer, that's what they're doin'!"
Ducky looked up at the stage and was pretty sure that Maria and Osanna were not happy about the revelation. In fact, they looked downright mortified.
Mama just kept on sputtering. Pretty much the same thing, over and over again. She started to stand up, but Ducky grabbed her arm. "Mama, don't go making a scene here. You'll make Grams and Grandpa mad at you."
She settled back down. It wouldn't do for her to make her parents very angry. They might cut off her funds.
Ducky looked up at the stage to see Maria looking back at him, her face red. Suddenly, he felt pretty darn good. He smiled at her, a sort of shy smile that just happened without his thinking about it.
Big Dog was looking around, realizing something was off-center, but not what. Ducky started to think that he had been so drunk that he hadn't heard the verse.
Ducky looked back at the stage in time to see Osanna go over to Rudi and Johan and put her hand over the mike. Then she said something to Johan and stomped on his foot, hard.
Mildred Carpenter moved to the front of the stage. She quickly separated Osanna from Johan and Rudi. "Bear with us, folks. The boys have had a bit too much partying this evening. Let's have 'Shall We Gather at the River.' " She looked back at the band and said, "On my count," in a voice that would not be denied.
****
BOOOM!!!!
Johan jerked up in his bed. It had sounded like a cannon going off right beside his head.
"You idiot!" Osanna roared and Johan realized that a cannon going off would have been better. At least after the cannonball ripped him apart, this would be over. "How could you say that in front of everyone? How can I ever look Big Dog in the face again? My life is destroyed! There is nothing left but revenge, and guess who will suffer my vengeance?" She turned around, opened the door, went out and slammed it. BOOOM!!!!
Johan held his head, lest it break apart, and moaned.
"It's your fault, you know," Rudi's whisper roared through the room.
"What is?" Johan asked, as quietly as he could. "What is Osanna yelling about?"
"You don't remember?"
"Remember what?"
"Gloom, despair and agony on you. You sang the verse we made up at the Gardens last night, right in front of Ducky and Big Dog. Also, everyone in the Gardens, and that means that it will be all over Grantville by noon today. Which has already passed, in case you didn't know."
Johan thought about that in between the thump, thump, thump pain that he finally realized was his pulse. After a minute, he asked, "How did Big Dog react?"
"I think he was too drunk to hear it, but he'll hear about it today."
"What about Ducky?"
Rudi laughed a short chuckle, then groaned and held his head. "He liked the idea . . . last night. This morning . . . who knows?"
****
Ducky, with malice aforethought, dropped a large iron hammer against a large iron plate. He was safely outside his brother's room. They had a junk yard outside the Ring of Fire, the first stop for the garbage they picked up. Here it was sorted. Anything that might be of use was put aside and the rest went into a huge compost pile or into the furnace. By now they had quite a lot of stuff and made more selling the trash than picking it up. Mostly they didn't sell it locally. They lived at the yard, saving themselves the cost of a night watchman and Big Dog's apartment was just next to the iron shop.
Big Dog shouted, then whimpered, and Ducky grinned. That would teach him to challenge down-timers to drinking contests. Even if he probably had a hundred pounds on Rudi and Johan, he'd drunk enough so it didn't help.
A few minutes later, a slow and cautious Big Dog came out of the apartment. "What happened?" he whispered.
"Well, you challenged Johan and Rudi to a drinking contest using 'shine last night. You won. At least, you drank almost as much as both of them put together."
"Only fair," Big Dog insisted. "I weigh almost as much as both of them put together." There was a pause. "I walked home on my own, didn't I?"
"Yes."
"So I won?"
"I think they walked home on their own too." Ducky snorted a laugh and another, as Big Dog winced. "And Johan did it after Osanna stomped on his foot."
"Did that little creep make a pass at Osanna? I'll beat the crap out of him." This came out with considerably more force than Ducky would have expected, considering Big Dog's delicate condition.
"What? You like Osanna?"
"Yeah, I think I do. But she's beautiful and have you heard her sing? She's gonna be a big star and, well, we're garbage men. What would a girl like that have to do with me?"
Ducky started to laugh and Big Dog put his hands over his ears to keep his head from exploding.
****
It was some hours later when Big Dog, restored by some of the still expensive coffee, finally found out what Johan and Rudi had sung the night before. "Do you think they were right?" he asked Ducky.
"I think they were right about Maria. She was embarrassed as hell when they sang it, but when I smiled at her, she smiled back," Ducky said. "I hope that means what I think it does. I figure I'll ask her when I get the chance."
"You reckon Grams will feed us dinner?"
"Maybe, but she's pretty pissed about your drinking game with Johan and Rudi last night."
"What have we got that she would like?" Big Dog asked. "This calls for a real good present. What do you think Grams would like?"
"Compost?"
"Yes, but not for this."
"Hair of the dog?" Ducky asked grinning.
"More like skin of the Dog, and I'm in no mood to be scalped," Big Dog said.
"On the other hand, Grams sometimes likes a snort, herself."
"Not this time."
"You think we might have to . . . buy something," Ducky said with horror in his voice that was only partly feigned. They had a fairly nice place, not that far outside the Ring of Fire. It had indoor plumbing, electricity, and was fully furnished. Granted, most of the
furnishings didn't match, but that was a function of the fact that not one thing in the whole place had actually been bought. Everything from the natural gas stove to the beds had been thrown away by someone. They had paid to have some of the stuff fixed, but they hadn't bought anything. It was a point of pride with them.
Big Dog considered. His head hurt too much for him to be much concerned with points of pride. Besides, if it would get him anywhere with Osanna, he'd buy a whole new bedroom set. The thought of Osanna in a bedroom—his bedroom—added a certain urgency to the whole situation. "Maybe. But what?"
"Coffee!" Ducky said, way too loudly for Big Dog's comfort. He didn't kill his little squirt of a big brother, though. It was a good idea. Grams really liked her coffee.
****
Some hours later, fully scrubbed and bearing two one-pound bags of coffee, Ducky and Big Dog arrived at the Carpenter house in the Old Folks' cul-de-sac.
Bucky was sitting on the front porch with his banjo in his hands, grinning at them like an idiot. "Well, boys, there for a minute when I heard about what happened last night, I figured we might actually get some brains bred into the line." He shook his head, wheezing and laughing so much that it was hard for him to get his breath. "Then I realized if those girls had any sense they'd be running away screaming."
There wasn't a lot that Ducky or Big Dog could say to that. Then a scary thought occurred to Ducky. "They didn't, did they?" he asked, because he figured Grandpa had a point.
"No," Grams said, coming out the door. "It's a clear case of hormone poisoning. Apparently any good sense they had has leaked out their ears."
Feeling nothing but relief at this, Ducky said, "Thanks, Grams. We brought coffee."
"You think you're going to get out of this with a bag of coffee?" Grams asked.
Then Big Dog held out his bag of coffee, with a hopeful smile. "No, ma'am. Two bags."
Grams harrumphed, but she took the coffee.
****
Soon it became clear that certain of the residents of the cul-de-sac were avoiding Ducky and Big Dog. Specifically, members of the band and, most specifically, Osanna, Maria, Johan, and Rudi.
None of the four appeared at dinner, much to the dismay of Ducky and Big Dog.
"What can we do?" Ducky asked his grandmother. "We can't apologize if they won't see us."
"You don't have anything to apologize for, except that bet you made with Johan and Rudi," Grandpa said. "But you'd better apologize, anyway."
"Of course, they do," Grams said. "They should have realized the girls were interested in them."
How, Ducky wondered, telepathy?
But Grams was still talking. "After all, Johan and Rudi noticed. And so did everyone around here."
Grandpa looked at them and started laughing and wheezing, and he wasn't the only one. People were grinning all around the table.
"Now, that's not fair, Mildred. You know men are idiots when it comes to things like that."
"Johan and Rudi noticed," Grams insisted.
"Sure, but they weren't involved." Uschi shrugged. "It's always easier to see when you're not involved."
****
"They're probably going to kill us," Johan whispered. "That's why they came. They're waiting for us to come down, then they'll do it."
"I don't think so," Rudi said. "They'd come up here if they really wanted to kill us. I'm not sure they're angry at all. I think they're interested in the girls and that's why they came. Big Dog even combed his hair flat."
"Doesn't matter. Even if they marry the girls, this is going to follow them for the rest of their lives. They are going to kill us."
"Naw," Rudi said. "It can't last more than, oh, twenty years or so." He grinned. "The girls are probably going to kill us first. After all, it's not really that embarrassing for a guy to have a pretty girl interested in him, even if he doesn't notice. Besides, I'm hungry. Let's go down and get it over with."
****
"I'm not going to kill you," Big Dog assured them, magnanimously. Then he added, "Unless Osanna tells me to."
Rudi returned a wry smile. "Thanks, Big Dog. That gives us a good half an hour to start running while you find her and ask her."
"Ask her what?" Big Dog wondered.
"Well, if it was me, I'd try, oh, dinner out. Movie night at the Higgins? Something like that. A date. Something nice. I'd leave out that whole thing about killing us, though."
Big Dog just looked at him and smiled
Rudi gulped.
****
As it turned out, they failed to find the girls that day. Instead, the girls heard all about the dinner and the conversation after the fact. "I think," Osanna said with a truly evil smile, "That I will go over to the junk yard and have a talk with Big Dog. And have him kill you. Both of you." Then she left them to contemplate their fate.
"You think she will?"
"Naw."
"I don't know. Girls seem to get a kick out of getting guys in trouble, just to prove we'll do anything for them."
Johan just looked at him.
****
Osanna and Maria did go over to the junk yard. It was just too embarrassing to sit around in the Old Folks' cul-de-sac with everyone cracking wise about it all. They needed it settled, one way or the other. Besides, Ducky had smiled at Maria and Big Dog had offered to kill Rudi for Osanna. The signs were good.
Very good.
Six months later . . .
"I never thought I'd see this day," Bucky wheezed at Mildred in as close as he could come to a whisper.
"Shh," Mildred whispered back. "The girls will be coming down the aisle any moment now."
****
Editorial Note
To placate the Ghods of Copyright, the "Bamberg Cannonball" was based on public domain material, specifically the "Wabash Cannonball" copyrighted by William Kindt on June 13, 1904 (C72630), in which copyright has expired, and J.A. Roff's 1882 "Great Rock Island Route." Parallel texts for these two songs appear in Cohen, Long Steel Rail: The Railroad in American Folksong (2d. ed. 2000), pp. 374-5. Two texts of Great Rock island Route are available online at
http://www.rits.org/www/histories/music/music.html
Likewise, "Joe Buckley" is based on a public domain version of "Tom Dooley", specifically the version B, collected by Mrs. Sutton from the singer Mrs. R.A. Robinson, Silverstone, NV, June 22, 1921, and reprinted in Brown, North Carolina Folklore, vol. 2 (Folk Ballads)(1952) under Song #303 at pp. 711-713. The Brown book is available online at http://ia600300.us.archive.org/25/items/frankcbrowncolle02fran/frankcbrowncolle02fran.pdf and in the pdf version it is on pp. 751-753.
Ein feste Burg, Episode Four
Written by Rainer Prem
Chapter 4: The Foot, the Bed and the Ceremony
Jagdschloss of the Duke of Sachsen-Eisenach
Marksuhl, Thuringia
March 27, 1634
Maximiliane von Pasqualini awoke, and everything was different.
She had never in her conscious life woken up huddled to another body. And with a big hand warming her buttocks through her nightdress. She dared not open her eyes, and she dared not move; she wanted to enjoy this total new sensation longer.
The evening before. Hmmm. The evening before . . .
The evening before
After dinner, Max and Christine retired to Christine's study. Johann had told them that he had to prepare today's proclamation and send it to the Prime Minister's office for distribution.
The two women sat down on a couch, Ruth brought them tea and cookies, and the two of them gossiped the whole of Germany up and down. Especially on Max' home duchies, and their lower and middle nobility, Christine had extensive non-information.
Max thought it was puzzling that Christine didn't know anything about Paul von Sonnenberg. They skimmed through several of the tomes, even scanned the Austrian "von Sonnenbergs," but in the end Max had to admit that she had been the victim of a hoax.
"I remember his face and some other parts of his
body," she giggled. "So I hope I will have Ingrid and her big knife with me, if ever I meet this guy again . . . "
Christine's face showed total approval.
"And now for something completely different . . . " Max blushed. "Have you this—ah—Indian book still available?"
Christine's eyes widened, then she started to beam. She got up, and rushed through the door connecting the two studies. Less than a minute later she returned, another one of these tomes in her hands. It looked exactly like the ones they had pored over all of the evening. Its title simply said " India."
Max laughed. "Clever disguise!"
Christine sat down again and opened the book over both of their laps. Max blushed again, when she saw the first painting. A man and a woman with oriental facial features could be seen. In fact, Max needed a longer time, before she managed to look at the faces.
Both people were not only completely naked. They obviously were just—Oh no! The term obscene is too gentle, much too gentle for this.
"Nice, isn't it?"
Max was spooked by Christine's words. She had somehow forgotten where she was. Nice. Nice? She cleared her throat. "I'm—not sure, if nice is the word I would use. I never saw this—ah—situation painted. I had a look into the Playboy once."
Christine's gaze was quizzical.
"Oh, it's an American journal. Everybody says—every man says—they are only reading it, because the articles are sooo interesting. In fact, the main purpose of this journal is to show photos of naked women—only women, no men—inside and even on the cover. They even have a centerfold—a single photo in the middle, which can be folded out to the double size." She indicated the size with her hands.