Yet.
“I don’t know if I should be relieved or insulted at that,” she muses, a teasing smile on her face.
The waiter comes back and we order a variety of dishes. Natalie oozes excitement at the thought of trying all the new flavors. She certainly isn’t afraid of new things. While we wait for our food, we chat.
At the shelter we talked but not about personal details. The most I had gotten out of her were tidbits about where she grew up and a few of her likes and dislikes. It wasn’t that she avoided conversation but the shelter wasn’t really the place for deep personal talks. For instance I knew her favorite food was shepherd’s pie but I didn’t know if she was close to her family. I knew how her job was going but not if she’d ever traveled. We had random conversations that gave me more insight into who she is but I want to know more.
“Tell me about your family; is all your family into old cars like you and your dad?”
She tilted her mouth to the side and looked at the ceiling in thought.
“Let’s see. My sister is a definite no; she is very much a modern luxury kind of woman. My brother was always more interested in sports than cars but he likes the coolness factor of them. Mom is kind of in the middle. She went to a lot of the car shows but she isn’t a nut about it like Dad and I.”
“Do you only have the two siblings?”
“Yep and I’m the middle child. They never let me forget it either. What about you? Any brothers or sisters?”
“A few but we don’t get along very well.”
“Are you close with your parents?”
“No, we’re kind of estranged.”
“I’m sorry. That must be hard.”
“You get used to it. Are you close with your family?”
“Very. I don’t see them very much since I moved but I talk to them almost every day.”
That’s what I would have guessed.
Our food came and conversation slowed. She was more occupied with trying everything and figuring out what she did and didn’t like. She wasn’t shy to gush over the ones she loved but the ones she didn’t she politely said, “It’s not bad but it’s not my favorite.” I got a kick out of watching her different facial expressions while she ate. Afterwards we lounged contently and continued talking.
“So do you take all the girls here?” she asks, half serious.
“Only the ones I rescue under bridges,” I reply with a wink. She doesn’t blush; she’s getting used to my jokes and winks. It’s kind of a shame.
“My hero,” she laughs.
“How about you? Wooing any guys besides me?”
“I didn’t know I was wooing you.” She tries to suppress a smile.
“You asked me out first.”
“I did not!” She blushes and throws her hands up.
“Whatever helps you sleep at night, darling.”
She shakes her head in defeat.
“To answer your question, no, I’m not wooing any other guys.”
“So you admit you are wooing me?”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night, darling.” She mimics my voice and I laugh.
We talked a little longer before I paid the bill and we walked back out into the streets. I head towards the water front, Natalie holding my arm. She still constantly watches her surroundings. She even pulled me to the side a couple times when she thought I wasn’t paying attention and was going to walk into something. Her concern for me is cute.
She laughs as I hurry her across the street to the waterfront. Her feet make a cute tapping sound against the pavement. Why did I notice that?
I focus on the area around us. It’s a busy night and the walkway is crowded with entertainers and spectators. Dancers twirl and tumble on the grass, lights wrapped around their bodies. Musicians of all kinds stand playing tunes and hoping for a bill or two. None of them particularly interest me but Natalie is riveted. The lights from the dancers reflect in her eyes and she cheers and applauds when one of them does a fancy trick with lighted batons.
Amongst all these people, I keep my senses sharp. Humans tend to feel safer in crowds but I know better. Nowhere is really safe if a predator is around. I wasn’t worried about being a target. If someone did try something I could handle it. How I would handle it was what worried me. I didn’t need Natalie wondering why I could take down a group of men with a flick of my wrist.
Natalie pulled me along to the other spectacles. Some of the musicians were lack luster at best but she still seemed to enjoy them. As we continued to walk, I continued to search the crowd. A particular group playing violins catches my eye and I stop.
“We should get going, it’s late,” I try to turn us back around but she pulls against me.
“Wait, I want to see one more,” she protests. I couldn’t very well carry her out of here without making a scene so I try leading her to a guitarist far away from the violin group.
“No, this way,” she insists, tugging me away from the guitarist and towards the violinists.
As we get closer, I hope she keeps walking but she doesn’t. She stops and watches the players with rapt attention. I groan internally.
They were good. More than good, they were amazing. They dragged their bows across the strings with precision and confidence, never missing a note. They played in perfect harmony with each other and the smiles they threw at the crowd were dazzling. The music seemed to draw people in and as the crowd got bigger, the power I felt from the lead violinist got stronger. He had his eyes closed, completely focused on the power he was exuding through the music. He didn’t open his eyes until he played the last note but when he did, they landed on me.
“They are amazing,” Natalie whispers, awe struck next to me.
“Mmhmm,” I mumble, not taking my eyes from the demon in front of us. Natalie slips from my hand, I make an attempt to pull her back but she’s too quick and I was too focused on the demon. The exact demon she is walking up to. Dammit. I follow her.
“You are very good,” she says, dropping money into the violin case as his feet.
“Thank you very much,” he purrs, leaking power towards her. I block it with my own, surrounding her with it like a shield.
“Yes, very good,” I say. I stare coldly at him and he retracts his power.
“How did you learn how to play like that?” Natalie asks, unaware of the invisible demonic powers around her.
“It was a hell of a lot of work,” he answers. Funny guy. He sticks out his hand. “I’m Nathan.”
Please don’t do it. But Natalie brings up her hand and prepares to shake his.
“I’m Na-”
I throw my shadow out, shoving a person into Natalie and making her stumble. I catch her and move her way from Nathan as I right her.
“Sorry!” The man I shoved into her apologizes. “I don’t know what happened.”
“It’s okay,” she says, smiling, no hard feelings towards him. While the man continues to apologize, keeping Natalie’s attention, I turned towards the demon.
Find your own prey.
I hiss at him with my mind, flashing fiery eyes at him. My stomach tightens at calling Natalie prey but I don’t need this demon thinking I’m doing anything besides hunting. A guttural growl sounds in my head.
Just having fun, brother.
I nod and turn back to Natalie. The man has stopped apologizing.
“We better get out of their way,” I say, smiling and putting my hand around Natalie’s waist to lead her away.
“Good job again,” she calls out behind her as we walk away, introductions having slipped her mind.
The demon smiles and waves in thanks before turning towards his fellow players.
As we walk to the car, the wind picks up and Natalie begins to shiver. I shake off my jacket and wrap it around her. She smiles and tucks her arms inside. We make it to the car without any further incidents. Natalie sits snuggled in my jacket looking happily out the window at the city lights. I take the
long way back to her house. I want to see that look awhile longer. When I pull up to her house, she doesn’t move to get out and neither do I.
“I had a really good time tonight,” she says, angling herself towards me. I mimic her position.
“Me too,” I say simply. I stare into her eyes. They are dark grey like storm clouds. My skin prickles at the atmosphere.
“I love your car too, I could stay in it forever,” she says with another stroke of the leather seats.
That could be arranged.
No.
You promised to be good.
I didn’t want to be good though. I wanted to wrap my hands around her tiny waist, pull her to me, and possess those lips of hers. The lips she bites when she thinks, the lips that smile so easily, I wanted them on my own. I wanted to taste them, wanted to feel them move against mine.
My hand reaches for her, ready to act on the thoughts swimming through my head. She leans forward, shrinking the distance between us. As I move to close the distance I look deeper into her eyes and what I see makes me freeze, pure trust. Suddenly new thoughts and images swim through my head. Natalie crying at her kitchen table while her cat purrs helplessly at her feet. Natalie buying books with a broken smile. Natalie’s face with a look of pure fear instead of love.
I bring back my hand and move away from her. I couldn’t do those things to her. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want to break her smile. I didn’t want her to be afraid of me. All those things would happen if I let things continue. I wasn’t boyfriend material. What would happen when I slip up and my less charming side shows? She doesn’t know who I really am. If she did, she wouldn’t be staring at me, complete trust in her eyes, it’d be fear.
“Hey,” she says gently, placing her hand on my arm, “what’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
The words tumble out of my mouth of their own accord. I look at her, worried I’ll see the fear I had imagined. People always felt fear at the mention of pain, no matter how small. When I look at her, instead of fear, I see the same trust. Why? Why did she trust me so much?
“Why do you trust me so much?” Again I speak my words without thinking. Was it still because of my eyes? The windows to my soul? The windows to my pitch black soul?
She smiles and cups my cheek in her hand.
“Because I know you.”
I wanted to protest that she didn’t know me. She only knew the part of me that I let her see. But before I could utter a word, her lips captured mine.
I didn’t fight her. It felt too good. Her lips were perfect. I responded to her, pulling her close and kissing her back. I held her with one hand and ran the other through her long brown hair. Her hair is soft, just like her lips, just like her. I angle my body and she climbs onto my lap. My body sings in response.
“Wait,” I pant, coming to my senses. “What are you doing?”
I couldn’t let this happen. Why was I letting it happen?
“I’m kissing you,” she says, her cheeks flushed. Her blushed cheeks, her disheveled hair, her grey eyes, they all worked against me. I kiss her again.
My body screams a mix of pleasure and distress. My conflicting emotions rage inside me. I want to protect her. I want to be with her. Why did I care? I have never cared about hurting someone before. Why with her did my heart ache at the thought of hurting her? Why did I feel sick to my stomach thinking about her reaction if she found out who I really was? Why did I like being around her so much? Why did I want to make her smile all the time?
I couldn’t think straight. Everything was so jumbled. All I wanted was to keep her exactly where she was. All I wanted was to push her off and never see her again.
She wasn’t helping the situation either. Straddled across my lap the way she was. Her hands running through my hair and down my neck. I try to focus on her instead of the thoughts in my head. I move my lips down to her neck and work my way across her collar bone. She moans and tilts her head to give me better access. As I work around her throat and shoulders, my hands move down her waist and over her hips, settling on the outside of her thighs. Her dress has ridden up and I touch her exposed skin. My hand stills as it grazes raised lines. I break away to look at her leg. Scars systematically stretch across them.
“Natalie,” I breathe, my voice rough from our activities, “where’d you get these scars?”
She stiffens. Water dowsed on the fire. She avoids my eyes as she talks.
“I forgot about those.”
I wait, giving her time. She sits, still on my lap, playing with the hem of my shirt. Her normally vibrant eyes are now cloudy with thought. I resist the urge to probe into her thoughts and emotions. Eventually she releases a heavy sigh and looks at my face.
“Long story short, I had some demons I had to conquer when I was younger.”
Oh Natalie.
She continues, “It wasn’t because of family stuff, it was more of school stuff. Typical not fitting in and dealing with bullies stuff. I always tried to focus on my school work instead of the other stuff but when I was 15 it got pretty bad and I just, I don’t know, I thought it would help.”
A tear rolls down her cheek and my heart clenches. I wrap my arms around her and she buries her face in my chest. Tiny shudders wrack her body.
“It’s alright,” I whisper, rubbing her back. She only needs a minute to compose herself. She pushes off of my chest and wipes her eyes.
“It’s honestly in my past. I dealt with everything and I don’t struggle with it anymore. I like to think of myself as a strong person but sometimes it’s hard to talk about.”
I take her hand.
“Just because you cry, doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. You are the most special person I have ever met. You are extremely kind, smart, driven, successful, and you could never be weak, even if you tried.”
I’ve known a long time that my first impression of the weak meek mouse was wrong. She wasn’t weak, she was just kind. I’m sure that kind nature had been a catalyst to some of the hardship she went through. Like I said before, the world likes to chew up the kind and the trusting. She overcame it all though and still managed to remain the same person. Kind and pure.
“Thank you.”
Her smile is back again. Pure happiness. Pure joy. Pure trust.
It was easy to leave after that, the moment having gone and the atmosphere calm. She awkwardly climbed off my lap and got out of the car. I walked her to the door and she said she’d see me tomorrow. It was animal shelter day. I said she would and she went into the house, saying goodnight as she closed the door. I got back into my car and drove home, the windows down, the cool wind a calming force for my mind. It was then that I felt a chill on my arms and realized she had still been wearing my coat.
Chapter 5
Again, I watch Natalie from the shadows. She’s sitting on the bench outside of the animal shelter, waiting for me. Her worried face checks her phone every couple seconds. I’m 10 minutes late; at least as far as she knows. I got here at my usual time, before her, but ever since last night the little voice saying “leave her alone” hasn’t shut up. Last night I told myself I wasn’t coming, then this afternoon rolled around and I found myself outside the shelter, then I heard her car and I retreated into the shadows where I’ve remained since.
She checks her phone again but this time her fingers tap hurriedly on the screen. My phone blinks with a message. I check it.
Hey, where are you?
Oh just merged with the shadows a few feet away from you. Normal stuff. The headache I’ve had since this morning pounds against my skull. I couldn’t just leave her waiting. I typed a reply.
Got caught up in something. Don’t know if I will make it.
Her phone jingles and a smile lights up her face, only to disappear as she reads my text. Great, if I stay I’ll hurt her; if I stay away I hurt her too. The only question was which would hurt her more. I know in the long run she’d be fine if I disappe
ared. She’d eventually realize I wasn’t going to call again. That I was a stuck up jerk that wasn’t interested in a nice girl who volunteers twice a week. She might think it was her, that there is something wrong with her or she wasn’t good enough but she has enough love and confidence in herself that it wouldn’t take long for her to go “his loss”.
As she sits staring at her phone I know what must be going through her head.
Is he avoiding me? Is this about last night? He probably thinks you’re a depressed nut job. No, that can’t be it. Oh my god, is this because we made out? Maybe he thinks I’m some kind of hussy. But it wasn’t like it was the first date or anything. Well technically maybe, but we’ve known each other for over a month! Maybe I’m a bad kisser, maybe he realized he isn’t attracted to me; maybe he never wanted to date me.
As she sadly types a response, I try to restrain myself from taking out my frustration on the wall next to me. I’m not delusional; I know I care for her. That is all I’m willing to admit to myself though.
As my phone blinks, she gets up and walks inside. I listen as she greets Carla.
“No lover boy?” Carla says in response.
“Not today,” Natalie says cheerfully, hiding her true emotions.
“Everything all right dear?”
Maybe she wasn’t hiding her emotions as well as it sounded. There’s a long pause before she answers.
“Carla, do you believe you can love someone without fully knowing them?”
Wait, love? Is she saying she loves me? I wish I could see her face but there are no shadows in there that I could teleport to without them noticing.
“I think it depends on what things you DO know. If you know the important things like their character and what’s important to them then sure.”
“I just,” she sighs, “I don’t know.”
“Do you love him, honey?”
Another long pause.
“I don’t know. I feel like there’s something I’m not seeing. Something about him, or maybe it’s just me, I don’t know.”
“Sweetie, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You might not have all the answers right now about yourself or Jack but that doesn’t mean you won’t have them in the future. Give it time.”
“Okay, thanks Carla.”