Striding to the bed, he gazed down at the sleeping couple. Liam lay with his chest pressed to Raine’s back, one arm slung over her hip, his hand splayed open, shielding their unborn child. That was Liam’s way, a loving protector. Macen couldn’t have asked for a better friend.
Friend, nothing. The damn Irishman had instantly been more like a brother. Liam was laughter. Honesty. Compassion. Understanding. He was the benevolent pieces of humanity Macen lacked. The amazing bastard had still given him love and devotion even when Hammer hadn’t deserved it.
Emotions running high, he gazed at Raine. She looked peaceful, angelic. The lines of worry and fear that had been etched between her brows these past hellacious days had smoothed away. That’s exactly how Hammer wanted to remember her, too. God knew she deserved some blessed tranquility. She’d had to endure so much pain and trauma. The last thing she needed was to atone for his sins, to be weighed down by his humiliation and shame. He’d move heaven and earth to keep her from having to testify. He would fix the problem so she and Liam could live a normal life.
They deserved that and so much more.
Macen skimmed his stare over her lips. He’d waited and wasted years, aching to kiss the erotic bow of her mouth. When he finally had, she’d tasted like pure paradise, far sweeter and more potent than he’d imagined all that time.
Regret for the way things would end pierced his heart. He hadn’t even left the room and he already mourned the loss of her love.
Oh, god, how am I going to go through with this?
But he couldn’t wait any longer. If he was found guilty, they would lock him up and throw away the key. There would be no eleventh-hour pardons, just ten thousand nine hundred fifty days locked in a cage like a fucking animal. His life with Liam and Raine would be over.
What good was living when all he’d ever longed for was gone?
With an aching heart and a cyclone of emotions, Hammer plucked up the powers of attorney Liam and Raine had grudgingly signed earlier in the evening. Folding the pages that guaranteed their future, Hammer set them on his nightstand. Returning to the dresser, he removed his passport from the top drawer, then palmed his keys to keep them from jingling.
He stared at Liam and Raine one last time as his throat constricted and tears stung the backs of his eyes. Hammer branded the image of them both into his brain, then clenched his jaw. He walked out of the room and down the stairs.
Passing the kitchen, he paused. Visions of Raine, naked and splayed over the granite-topped island, split him in two. Closing his eyes, the scent of cinnamon melding with Raine’s feminine musk all but obliterated him.
Blood burning with the bittersweet memory, Hammer disengaged the alarm system and opened the door to the garage. Flipping on the light, he stepped through the portal and closed the door, severing the dreams of love and happiness he’d finally achieved.
Because now he had to throw it all away.
A foreboding chill slid up his spine as he stared at Liam’s SUV. Placing his hands on the hood, he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry. I know you’ll never understand and I’m asking the world of you. But you’re the only person I trust to care for Raine and our baby. I know you’ll love, protect, and provide a stable home for them. I love you, man. I’m going to miss you like hell.”
Forcing himself to inch deeper into the garage, he stroked Raine’s sports car. His guts twisted. Anguish, thick and black, layered over him, squeezing the air from his lungs.
As he closed his eyes once again, Raine’s face filled his head. Her blue eyes shimmering with love, understanding, and compassion nearly took him out at the knees. She’d unknowingly been his lifeline for years. She’d given him the willpower to tuck away his guilt and regret so he could attempt to live again. Not for himself but for her. He’d tried to do right by her and give her a safe haven. For the most part, he’d succeeded. But now that act of kindness had come back to destroy him and their dreams.
“I’m sorry to leave you like this, precious,” Hammer murmured softly. “But I love you too much to make you suffer. God knows I’m guilty of a lot of things, and maybe this is simply Karma coming back around to take its due. Don’t ever doubt how much I love you. And while this has to be the end, you’ll be with me forever—in this life and the next.”
A single tear dropped to the hood of her car, the last piece of his physical being he would ever give her.
Hammer raised his head and wiped his cheek, then stared at the items in his hands.
The time had come to decide his own fate, to end this fucking nightmare on his own terms. His passport lay in his left hand, his car keys in his right.
Gazing at the passport, he figured he could fly to Indonesia or Nepal. Neither had extradition treaties with the U.S. He’d change his name and hair color, get lost in a chaotic city like Jakarta or Kathmandu. Neither Wellington nor any other federal asswipe would ever find him. Neither would Liam or Raine.
He would never see them again.
Never hear their greetings, laughter, or moans of ecstasy.
Never smell Liam’s woodsy cologne or Raine’s citrus shampoo and how they mingled together when he held them in his arms.
Never see their smiling faces, the twinkle in their eyes, or watch ecstasy flutter over their faces, wildly loving one another, fiercely and free.
Never see the beautiful child they’d all conceived together.
Hammer would be exiling himself to prison. Though one without bars, it would be a solitary confinement of pure hell just the same.
He swallowed tightly and gazed at his keys. Lifting his head, he stared at his Audi. He could imagine the shimmering chrome and sleek hood crumpled and mangled beyond recognition. Slamming into a bridge abutment at a hundred eighty-five miles an hour guaranteed total destruction, not only of his car but his body as well.
While that death might not be easy, it would be quick. Raine and Liam would at least have a sense of closure since they’d have something to bury.
If he simply disappeared without a trace, they would be left to wonder where he’d gone and if he might someday return.
Either way, Macen knew there was no coming back.
A fact that fucking ripped his heart out.
He told himself they’d grieve, but they would survive. Raine was resilient, and Liam was headstrong. They would lean on each other until time healed the wounds Hammer had gouged into their souls.
Rationally, he knew he had to sacrifice himself to save them. It was the only way he could stop the trial before it began and protect them and their child from a legacy of disgrace.
But the thought of leaving the only two people he’d ever loved crushed him like a wrecking ball. He felt his will start to crumble.
Please, God, give me strength to do this.
He sucked in a ragged breath.
“Passport or keys, fucker?” he whispered to himself. “Which one will be your final declaration of love to them?”
Prying his hands from Raine’s car, Hammer stepped to his Audi. He opened the trunk, and a sad chuckle rolled off his lips. There lay a pair of Raine’s sexy shoes she’d left in his car after dinner one night.
Scooping them up, he clutched them to his chest, then set them on her hood. Loving memories annihilated him, followed closely by an avalanche of guilt.
How could he simply throw away their unconditional love? Was he actually going to tuck tail and leave them like a coward? How would they ever forgive him? He, of all people, knew the devastation left in the wake of suicide.
Panic clutched his chest. Sweat streaked down his face.
What choice did he fucking have?
“Goddamn it!” Hammer roared as he wound up his entire body and heaved his keys with all his might—and fury—across the room.
They landed with a clatter somewhere in the corner, behind several boxes yet unpacked. His entire body shook with volcanic anger and fear. He felt as if he were being ripped in a million pieces. Six months ago, he wouldn’t have thought t
wice about this decision. He probably could have managed it without too much second-guessing even a few weeks ago. But now? Now he couldn’t find the courage to open the car door, let alone crawl inside and end this fucking torture.
Because you’re not the same man you were then.
No. The man standing in this garage had finally learned how to love. Freely. Fully. Without the need to control or hold so much of himself back. He’d dismantled his walls, opened his heart, and spilled all his secrets. Then he invited Raine to climb inside him, where he’d suffused her with the truest devotion from the very depths of his soul.
And now you’re going to walk out on her and never come back? You’ll not only kill yourself but her and Liam, as well.
“Son of a bitch!” Hammer thundered.
A potent, white-hot blaze detonated inside him, blurring his vision. His composure disintegrated. His temper exploded.
Snatching the tire iron from the trunk, he stalked around his car. Fury rolled as Macen drew the weapon back with both hands and swung it full force into the driver’s-side window. The safety glass fractured but held together. The shimmering, cracked web mirrored his disintegrating life.
Might as well get on with destroying it…
With a blistering curse, he belted it again, obliterating bits of hope and peace in shards all around the car.
Then Hammer turned his acid rage on the hood of the glossy vehicle. Over and over, he swung the tool, gouged the top, then the panels, before swerving onto the next pristine spot until he’d dented every visible surface. Still, he continued to grunt and curse as he unleashed a storm of resentment and panic.
Why couldn’t he just do what he had to in order to save their futures?
Suddenly, the door to the garage burst open. He jerked his head to the sound. Liam thundered toward him, wearing nothing but a raging scowl.
Without a word, he yanked the tire iron out of Macen’s hands and tossed it down before pulling him in for a crushing hug. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, you stupid son of a bitch? You don’t get to fucking check out on us! I told you that.”
Before he could reply, Liam slammed his fist into Macen’s jaw with a jarring punch. The pain didn’t register, only the anguish rolling off his friend in palpable waves.
Then he jerked Hammer back into his arms with a feral cry and gripped tight. “You bloody fool! Raine loves you. I love you, too. Christ, Macen. More than that, we need you. How the fuck is killing yourself or running away going to do us any good?”
“It’s the only way to save you two, the baby…myself. Don’t you get it?” he spit out, his voice raspy. “Our lives—all of them—will be ripped open for the whole world to judge. Raine… Oh, god. She’ll either have to relive all the abuse her father heaped on her or admit she liked all the rough and dirty things I did to her for a room full of fucking strangers. I won’t let her lower herself to save my sorry ass. I love her too much. You, too. I can’t—”
“You stupid wanker! Do you honestly think Raine and I are so self-absorbed or weak that we wouldn’t endure anything to have you with us? We don’t give a shit about other people’s opinions. Christ, man.”
“Those cocksuckers have left us powerless.” He pointed to the whole fucking world. “They’ve stripped away our control. I won’t last thirty years in a goddamn cell. I’ll go insane if I can’t ever hold you both again. Or our child! Let me end this mess on my own terms. It’s the only way to make things better for you and—”
The door to the garage opened again. Bryn stepped out, a pair of trousers dangling from her fingers.
“I thought your knackers might be getting a bit cold out here, son.”
“I’m fine,” Liam bit out but reached for the trousers.
She rolled her eyes. “You woke me from a sound sleep with your angry lightning bolts crashing all around the room. So I came out here to bring you some britches and bang your stubborn heads together until I’ve knocked sense into the pair of you.”
Turning, Bryn pinned Hammer with a fierce stare. “Just what the devil do you think you’re trying to prove, mister? You think breaking the hearts of your loved ones is going to make it all right, do you? Ha!”
Suddenly, Liam zipped his stare just above Hammer’s shoulder. “What the… Mum?”
Bryn’s mouth twitched as she gave him a knowing nod. “See her now, too, do you?”
“See who?” Raine? Hammer zipped his stare all over the garage but couldn’t find her. He sure as hell didn’t want her to see him coming apart like this. “What’s going on?”
Liam ignored him. “No, but I can bloody well feel her.”
“Who?” Hammer darted a glance over his shoulder to the spot where Liam and Bryn had fixed their gazes. He didn’t see a damn thing.
“Juliet,” Liam murmured.
Suddenly, Hammer couldn’t breathe. “What?”
“She’s standing right next to you, Macen,” Bryn added softly. “And she’s bloody well furious. The woman is yelling her head off at you.”
His shoulders slumped. “I’m sure. No doubt she’s been pissed at me for years.”
“No.” Bryn shook her head. “You’ve convinced yourself you failed her and stayed neck deep in guilt. She doesn’t blame you. She’s spitting the dummy because you’re thinking about throwing away your life. She’s screaming at you to stop.”
Hammer scrubbed a hand over his face, trying to wrap his head around the fact that Bryn was supposedly seeing his dead wife in the damn garage at three in the morning. Jesus, he hadn’t foreseen this at all when he’d come downstairs.
Of course, Bryn was a crafty woman. Maybe she’d invented Juliet’s “visit” to help him release his guilt and persuade him to stay.
“You don’t have to fabricate a reason to make me reconsider.” Hammer sighed heavily.
“Ye of so little faith.” Bryn clucked. “Remember your wedding night? You were in such a rush to get into bed with her that you broke your little toe on the bedframe?”
“How—” He blinked. Bryn had no way of knowing that. He’d never even told Liam that story.
“Juliet told me,” Bryn explained. “She wants you to know she’s here.”
Hammer stood stock-still, stunned. His late wife really had come from the other side with some fucking message for him?
“Yes. She’s insisting that you’ll not make the same mistake she did.” Bryn crossed her arms stubbornly.
“It wasn’t her mistake. I drove her to suicide,” Hammer argued. “This is different.”
Bryn poked him in the chest. “Dead is dead.” She paused as if letting her words soak into Hammer’s brain. “She wants me to tell you she’s sorry for hurting you deeply and never telling you the truth.”
“About what? The baby?”
“All the secrets she hid from you.” Bryn shook her head. “So many of them. Juliet has refused to move on all these years because she wants to set things right with you.”
“I’m the one who pushed her past her limits. Kept driving her to the edge over and over, until she finally fell.”
“No.” Bryn cupped his hands in hers. “Let her go, Macen. You’ve both feasted on each other’s misery long enough. Her death was never your fault. Juliet had her own problems. She suffered from depression and schizophrenia before she met you. She never told you or confessed that she’d tried to kill herself twice as a teenager. She was ashamed and didn’t want to drive you away.”
Hammer’s heart stopped. “She’d attempted suicide before?”
“Yes. She kept that to herself, along with the prescriptions she took to regulate the chemicals in her brain. But when she found out she was pregnant, she stopped taking everything because of the risk to the baby.”
“What?” Hammer tried to wrap his head around that. “Why didn’t she ever tell me?”
“Oh, because she was sick. Without the medicine, she struggled to discern real from imaginary.” Bryn’s expression begged him to understand.
“She could have told me about the baby. Or did she think that was imaginary, as well?” Hammer railed.
“She’s crying.” Bryn frowned.
“I feel her, mate,” Liam added. “She’s devastated she hurt you so much.”
“I carried all this fucking guilt for nine goddamn years. Shut out my best friend so I wouldn’t have to…” Hammer paused and grabbed the tire iron off the floor.