“Nora said you haven’t called her at all.”
Why is Dakota sitting here talking to me about Nora? Isn’t this like some conflict of interest? It’s also very awkward.
But maybe—maybe—we can have this type of friendship. I don’t want us to be one of those couples who break up and turn into enemies. I don’t want us to have that. I fell in love with her for a reason. No matter how things are now, I loved her at one point. I will never understand those guys who say awful things about their exes—attack their appearance or disrespect them—when just a few days before the girl was “sexy” and their Wednesday Woman Crush online.
Or is it Woman Crush on Wednesday?
“Landon, why haven’t you called her?”
A customer walks through the door, and I stand up. “I have to get back to work.”
As I lift the partition to get behind the bar, I hear Dakota say, “Call her.”
Which just makes me all kinds of confused.
This isn’t how this type of thing usually goes. The angry, horrible ex doesn’t try to help you with your girl troubles. Especially when she hates the new girl.
chapter
Thirty-six
Nora
LUNCH IS ALMOST DONE; the timer goes off in the kitchen, and I push Amir down the hall. Jennifer is here again, but I asked her to stay upstairs. I’m trying to get used to being alone with him again. The house feels bigger than it ever did. It’s hard to imagine myself as the type of person who would need this massive house in order to be happy. It never felt as big as it does now. I take the corner of Amir’s chair and push him down the beautiful dark wooden ramp put in just for him.
The despair and denial on Amir’s mother’s face was chilling. I felt for her, I felt for Ameen, for their sister, Pedra, whom I was close friends with, but I never took the time to deal with the loss of my husband. It was also hard for me to admit that if the accident hadn’t happened, we would have ended up divorced. I believe that we would have happily gone our separate ways, and stayed friends through both of our lives. I would have been happy for him to get married, to have children.
The mention of children makes my stomach burn. I don’t like to focus too long on the things he’ll be missing out on. It’s not good for me, or for him. I would like to think that having me around more is making him happier.
I didn’t leave his side for months after his accident. I slept at the hospital until we moved into our house. The house was supposed to be a wedding gift from his family, even though we had already been married for two years.
“I made cabbage and bread,” I tell him, unsure as always if he can even hear me. Jennifer insists that can, but what does she know? I think that’s more a spiritual hope than reality.
I pull the curtains back and open the blinds. When was the last time he went outside? I need to ask Jennifer.
I pop the maple squares I’m baking into the oven. When I make myself a plate, I wish he could eat with me. I miss the vibrancy that radiated from within him. I like to talk to him about our past, how wild we were as teenagers, and once, I swear he smiled.
Since I’ve seen Landon last, I’ve had a lot of time to think about this. Sometimes we just have those people we are tied to for our entire lives. Landon has Dakota, Stausey has Ameen, Tessa has Hardin, and Amir has me.
The aroma of the cabbage immediately fills the kitchen, and I try my hardest not to think about the way Landon kissed me between each bite of the cabbage I made him. I loved every silly, simple moment with him. He made me feel like a better person.
He gave me hope, even if it’s hard to explain what the hope was for.
Once upon a time, Landon hated my cooking, which is funny even still because he loved his mom’s cooking and she was the worst. The woman burned grilled cheese, for God’s sake.
When I take a bite of the cabbage, Landon’s face fills my head. He was so cute, so sweet, when I fed him my cabbage.
I throw my plate of food in the trash.
“Let’s go outside,” I tell Amir. I grab my book from the counter and slowly push him out to the patio. It’s colder now, the last week of October is here. Tomorrow is Halloween, and I’ve been in hiding for so long that I am debating whether to ever leave this house on the hill.
It’s silent out here and no neighbors are close to us. That was my favorite thing about the house. Back when I had a favorite thing.
Amir watches me without expression in his eyes. Is he in pain? Jennifer says he’s not, but again, what does she know?
I open my book and read a chapter out loud to Amir. I don’t know if he ever liked Harry Potter, we never talked about it. I knew a lot of things about him—his family, his favorite shows. But I didn’t know half the things about him that I do about Landon.
I read faster to clear Landon from my head.
“Sophia!” Jennifer’s deep voice shouts through the garden.
What part of “stay upstairs” does this woman not understand?
Her round body is moving fast through the grass, across the lawn from one of the side doors. “I’ve been yelling for you!” She bats her little arms in the air. “Someone is here for you. A guy, and he won’t leave.”
“For me, or him?” I hope that Amir’s family has realized not to fuck with me. I got a lawyer, and as Amir’s wife, I will protect his land from their greedy paws.
“You, girl. I told him you were out here but he’s just sitting in the living room!” She’s frantic. I can’t imagine her dealing with a patient if she’s this frazzled by a delivery guy or whoever.
“Oh, hush, I’ll go inside. Watch him.”
Jennifer gives me an angry look, as if to say she always watches him, and I roll my eyes behind her back.
Debating whether Jennifer is a good fit for this job, now that I’m paying better attention to everything, I wander into the living room.
Only to have the breath knocked out of me to find Landon sitting on the couch. He’s wearing a confidence that I don’t remember him possessing the last time I saw him. And even though I have seen him every time I closed my eyes, I hadn’t remembered him properly. He’s beautiful, with more facial hair than I realized.
His arms are bigger than before.
Is he taller?
“What are you doing here?” More important, how did he find me?
Then I remember the two missed calls from Stausey yesterday. I’m sure this was her doing.
“Jennifer said you were outside,” he says, not answering my question.
“Did she?”
“Yes. And she made me coffee while I waited,” he says with that puppylike smile I love.
Of course Landon would get the impersonal Jennifer to make him a coffee. Landon looks so out of place here, in this massive house. He’s sitting here so comfortably, like he’s been here a hundred times. Why did he come here? How did he know where to go?
“Am I keeping you?” he asks when I glance toward the back door. When I turn back, I take his entire body in again. He looks too big for the couch. His shoulders are slouched, and he seems older somehow, like some of the light has been drained from him. He’s wearing a white T-shirt with a blue button-up over it. He looks so good, so familiar. His hair is longer on top. How long has it been since I’ve seen him? Months? Years, maybe?
“No. I was just sitting outside with Amir.”
I changed my routine, Landon. I’m finally going outside today. Are you proud of me?
I wait for Landon’s reaction to my words, but his expression doesn’t change. He looks at me thoughtfully and runs his hand over the knees of his dark jeans.
“How is everything?” he asks.
I watch his eyes scan the room. The art in the living room is gone now; all the money they once represented is being put into a charity that aids the families of victims of drunk driving. Just one of those expensive pieces could pay all the medical bills of a family. All six of the art pieces are being appraised now.
“I’ve been busy,” I say, clearing my throat.
“I’m sure you have too. Tessa said you got promoted at Grind.”
He nods. “Yeah.”
“Congrats, that’s pretty cool. I’m sure you’re the youngest manager they’ve ever had.”
He looks at me, and I think about the way my words might sound.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I say, struggling to clean up the spilled words.
Landon’s lips turn into a half smile, and the timer on the oven goes off. I don’t know why I still bake as much as I do; no one eats it anymore. I don’t live with Maggy and Dakota, I’m not at Landon’s apartment every night, and Jennifer only eats gluten-free cupcakes. The cupcakes just sit there on the granite counter, decorated and delicious, waiting to be eaten, and three days later, when the icing starts to harden, I toss them out.
“I’ll accept your apology if I can have one of whatever that timer was for.”
That smile that makes my entire soul ache.
I nod, agreeing, and choose not to mention that I got the recipe for the maple squares I’m baking from his mom. She promised me that she won’t tell her son how often we talk. I cherish my friendship with her, and there was a point in my life recently that I allowed myself the fantasy of her being a permanent fixture in my life. Who am I kidding? Sometimes in my darkest of times, I allow myself to imagine a better, happier life I might have.
I told Karen about Amir before Landon could. I wasn’t entirely sure if he would even tell her, but I didn’t want any more secrets between any of us. Karen has been good to me. Ken even helped me find a lawyer to help me deal with the pressure from Amir’s family. I don’t want a dime of his money, I just don’t want to be harassed anymore. I’ll gladly move out of this house and back into a shared apartment, and I’ll even pick up extra shifts at Lookout if need be.
I don’t trust the family’s intentions; even my lovely sister has more allegiance to the other side. I’m all alone over here, with only crabby Jennifer on my side, and I’m not 100 percent positive that money wouldn’t sway her to work against me. I’d like to think that I would be House Stark and that Amir’s family would be the Lannisters, but once the fighting starts, who really knows.
“Deal?” he prods after I’m silent a little too long.
I nod. “Of course. How are you?”
“I’m busy, too.”
I look around the room and back at Landon’s boots. I don’t know if either of us have it in us to keep up this small talk. I decide to take one for the team. “How did you find me?”
He takes a breath and brings his hands to his mouth. I miss touching him. “You’re not the only one who’s good at stalking.”
We both laugh at the same time, and it’s refreshing and nostalgic.
“Can I ask you something?” Landon says.
I probably shouldn’t tell him that he can ask me anything he wants. I simply want to hear his voice.
“Anything.” I run my fingers over my messy braid. If I would have known he was coming, I would have dressed a little differently. My leggings smell like cabbage and syrup, and my shirt has a small red wine stain on the collar. Will he notice? He’s staring at me now, taking me in. His gaze seems to stop in places where I’m bare: my shoulders, my face.
“How often were you coming here when you lived in the city?”
My throat tightens up.
“Almost every night. Sometimes I would have a driver and sometimes Cliff would drive me.”
“Cliff?” he repeats.
The name is familiar to Landon. Of course it is. Cliff, Amir’s closest friend, acted like an idiot and tried to spy on me at Landon’s place. When I confronted him, he told me he was looking out for me. He heard I was hanging out with a college guy from that damn Mitch, who was bartending that messy night when I had Landon meet me out.
Me, Landon, Dakota—all in the same room. It was a mess, and the moment I saw Mitch behind the bar, I knew word would get back to Cliff. He still had no right being a creep and checking in on me, and he deserved the fractured hand from Hardin’s boot. The thought of Hardin makes my blood boil. I was rooting for him, and he fucked up again with Tessa.
Landon doesn’t press upon the truth hidden beneath that name; instead he moves on to another question.
“Why did you just assume I would think the worst of you if you told me about Amir? Why did you make that choice for me, and not give me the benefit of the doubt?”
Why does he always ask me questions that require such naked answers? Landon is the only person I know who just says what he means; he has no problem talking about wrongs and rights and admitting faults. The world could use more Landons.
“I wasn’t meaning to assume the worst of either of us. I just expected it. I didn’t know any better. When I met you, I wasn’t at a point in my life where I was looking for anything other than a friendship. I have so much on my shoulders, so much responsibility. I didn’t just have myself to consider, so I couldn’t stay out at bars until three a.m. I was dealing with problems that I would never have wished upon my worst enemy and trying to do the right thing by my husband, my family. I had no time to fall in love with anyone.”
Landon’s shoulders flinch ever so slightly, but I notice.
“I told you from the beginning, Nora . . .” His voice soothes a fraction of my need for him. I never imagined I would miss him so much after such a short period of time. “I wanted you to open up to me. I wouldn’t have judged you.”
He turns his face to me, and his expression slices me to the bone. A face like his wasn’t made for sadness. “I would have thought you were brave.”
I struggle for breath. I should look away from him, I really should.
“I would have thought you were selfless.”
When his words take shape, I feel like they’re unraveling me. My muscles are unwinding, and the weight on my shoulders is disappearing.
His eyes don’t waver from mine, not even for a flicker of a moment. “I would have thought that you were a strong, incredible woman. I would have tried to take some of the burden from your shoulders and place it onto mine.”
“I don’t think you can carry any more,” I say softly.
“I can try.” Landon shrugs, and I try to imagine how this could possibly work.
Does he love me? Are we too far away from that now?
Does my life have room for one more person? Is it fair for me to bring Landon into my life before I’ve even fully figured out how to handle it myself?
“I would like to meet him,” Landon says, standing.
So much is happening. My normal, quiet day has been flipped upside down by this boy’s unexpected arrival. Speechless, I nod and stand up. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to hold myself up without the support of the couch, but I use every ounce of strength I have, straighten my back, and cross the living, moving toward the door to the patio.
Without a word, he follows me through the massive kitchen and outside. He mutters something about cabbage, but I don’t turn around. I don’t know what to say or why he’s here.
“I was reading to him,” I softly explain as we approach Amir, and Jennifer scampers off.
The expansive garden feels smaller with the presence of both of these men. The two of them are so important to me, in very different ways. The flowers around us smell even stronger, look even brighter, now that Landon is here. I’ve always wanted a garden, which has always been my qualm with living in the city. I love flowers and trees and the smell of pollen and nature, but I love being able to walk to a coffee shop, too.
“Landon, this is Amir.”
I gesture to my husband and watch Landon’s calm smile stay right there on his face. He looks straight into the eyes of Amir and introduces himself. He doesn’t seem to be the least bit uncomfortable. I envy that about Landon, that he can be the calming breath of life into every soul he encounters.
I watch him, studying his face as he smiles and bends down and grabs the book from the soft grass, sits on the bench next to Amir, and cracks it open wh
ere I left my little bookmark.
Landon clears his throat and begins, “ ‘It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.’ ”
epilogue
Landon
A summer and a winter later . . .
OUR WEDDING CAME AND WENT so quickly. So, so quickly. We went from being the engaged couple who wanted to wait a few years to get married, the ones who thought we had all the time in the world, to us suddenly being in the midst of a whirlwind of preparation.
I’d gotten used to my mom’s voice on the other end of the line asking over and over when we were going to start planning, but all it took one day was Tessa bringing home bridal magazines, and that was that. I was fine waiting. My wife-to-be had already been through this once, and I didn’t want to rush her into anything. But when the planning started, it took off like a dang rocket.
The sudden haste was her idea, insisting on visiting venues and choosing flowers that matched the cupcakes that would be served. Weddings have way, way more details than I ever imagined. While the two women were planning the biggest day of my life, I tried not to be the stereotypical guy who just nodded along and pretended to know what was going on. I wanted this time to be perfect for her. For us.
I helped choose the flavor of the cake, and my bride made my favorite cake and added thoughtful little purple flowers made of buttercream icing that only the two of us will understand. I helped her as much as I could and as much as Tessa, wedding-planner-slash-evil-monster-who-has-taken-over-my-best-friend’s-body, would allow.
Just last week Tessa yelled at me when she found out the tailor got Hardin’s measurements wrong and the pants to his suit landed right above his ankles. She swore he probably did it on purpose and even called the store in Chicago to try and correct the mistake. I laughed at the pictures he sent, but she just huffed and tossed the phone back at me. I’m a little nervous about how the two of them will get along at the wedding. Tessa has really been avoiding him, and he won’t shut up about her in his interviews. Last weekend when I got home from school, I found Tess flipping Hardin off. Only Hardin was inside our TV, doing an interview on his book tour, and Tessa was furious and maybe had had a little too much wine.