Chapter 11 Life, Death, and Everything In-Between
I was dead. I was completely sure I was dead. No one survived an attack like that. No one just walked away from a hungry vampire with a point to prove unscathed, not even this, until now, pretty lucky girl. I hated that what a whacked out maniac had failed to do a few months ago, a lone CPA looking vampire had managed. I also hated that Teren would be devastated. He'd be so upset with himself, like he'd failed me again. I didn't blame him for my death though; fast as he may be, he couldn't have known what was going to happen. I hoped that his family helped him through my demise. I couldn't imagine how wrenched he was, losing me. . . and the children, all at once like that.
A new horror struck me at that thought. They were gone. We'd struggled so hard to conceive them in time and now they wouldn't even get the chance at life. They'd never know how much we loved them, how excited their father was to hold them. They'd never know. . .
As I dwelled, my thoughts turned to my family, and how much pain they were going to be in. My poor sister. I'm sure Teren would tell her the truth of what happened. I wondered if she'd have a different opinion of vampires after that. Maybe she wouldn't want to know the truth anymore. Maybe she'd ask him to wipe her mind of all of them. I hated that Teren would lose her too. He'd be so alone.
My mother would have to be told a lie; an animal attack maybe? I couldn't imagine how she'd get through burying another family member. That was just too horrid to comprehend. I thought of Tracey and Hot Ben - maybe their grief would bind them. Maybe Halina wiped him immediately after the incident, so he wouldn't have to know what really happened. I'd imagine that he'd go mental with fear, if he'd watched his biggest one happen right in front of his face. That was, if the vamp didn't get him too.
Speaking of that bastard, I hoped Halina rammed her hand straight through his chest, ripping out his heart. Drastic, I know, but we are talking about the creature that took the life of my children. No punishment could be grand enough for him. On second thought, I hope she took him to the ranch and staked him out in a field; let the sun burn away his sins.
A little surprised at my dark thoughts, I raised a heavy hand and scratched an itch on my nose. Odd. I wouldn't think a dead person would still have the occasional itch. As my heavy hand thudded down to land on a soft, springy surface, I thought that was pretty odd too. Why was my afterlife feeling like waking from delirium?
I experimentally inhaled. My lungs expanded and the scent of iodine burned my nostrils. I choked on it and coughed, and that's when the pain hit me. I forced myself to stop coughing, my eyes stinging in protest, but that was preferable to the tearing sensation that moving had seared through my neck. Why would pain follow me in death? Shouldn't I be pain free, lounging with my deceased father and grandmother on some fluffy white cloud, while a window to earth let me keep an eye on the loved ones I'd left behind?
Unless, of course, I'd somehow survived? But that just wasn't possible. I'd felt the hole ripped in my throat, I'd felt the warmth of life being stolen from me. I'd felt my body give in, succumb to death. There is just no freaking way I lived through that!
But I couldn't ignore the awful sensations running through my sore body. My head felt like it might split open. My throat was dry and aching. Even keeping my neck perfectly immobile, it still throbbed where that bastard bit me. But most of all, over all of the painful sensations I was definitely feeling, was an overriding sense that my body was foreign. Maybe that's why death had seemed a more logical conclusion; I almost didn't feel real.
My skin felt stretched tight over limbs that were suddenly too long, muscles that were too sculpted. I felt the air in the room brushing across my flesh, like someone had left a window open. It was a tad icy and a shiver went through me. My eyes felt heavy and lidded, like I couldn't possibly open them, and my mouth felt. . . full, like my tongue was too big and my teeth had doubled in size.
I stretched my body carefully and felt dull aches and tensions releasing. I opened my jaw and it cracked loudly in my ear. My jaw ached and I brought a hand to the joint and massaged it a little while I tried to open my eyes. Well, I guess I wasn't dead. The room was too real, nothing ethereal about it. It was dark, nighttime, but light was filtering in from under the door, highlighting it in orange. The effort was too much and I closed my eyes again. I hated being in pain and a tiny, tiny speck of me, preferred the idea of me being dead, like I'd originally thought.
Confused as to how I wasn't, I moved my hand to my neck and felt the bandage there. A thick bandage - hospital grade. I wondered vaguely if that's where I was. If Teren had scooped me up and sped me to the local ER. Now that I was sure I was alive, I wanted to see him, and make sure he was okay too. I wondered where he was. For some reason, I felt like he was close by, and I'm sure he was. I doubt he'd leave me, knowing I was hurting.
Hurting. . .
That thought made me immediately bring my hand to my stomach. The skin there was tight too and worried, I pressed down, first on one side then the other. I was rewarded with a light kick and a jostling bump as the twins responded to my touch. They were alive. . . I was alive. . . we were all fine. Somehow, we were all fine.
I inhaled deep again, my nose more prepared for that hospital smell, and held it in for a few seconds before letting the exhale go. Despite the pain, I felt cleaner, more alive than I'd felt in a long time, maybe ever, but still odd. My throat burned and I swallowed; it was hard to do. With my hand still protectively resting over my babies, I listened to the sounds of the room.
Everything was muffed at first, like my ears were waking from delirium too, but as I concentrated, clarity filled me. Surprisingly, I could actually hear Teren's deep voice and in answer to him, a woman's musical one. I knew the strange female's voice almost immediately, felt instantly connected with it. He was talking to Alanna. I wondered what she was doing here at the hospital and then, for some reason, I knew that all of the vampires were here. I frowned and wondered why they'd come all this way. Knowing that even I had thought I'd died, I suppose it had been pretty touch and go for awhile. Maybe they'd all come to support Teren. Maybe my mother and sister were here too, all to grieve me with my husband, if I didn't make it. I cringed at the thought and held my abdomen tighter. No longer wishing death over pain, gratitude filled me that I hadn't lost them, that my horrid vision of them never seeing their father wasn't going to come true. Tears stung my eyes as I silently thanked the fates for their safety.
Suddenly the questions were too much. I needed someone here to answer them. Maybe a someone with pain meds for the fire burning on my neck, and water, for the fire burning in my throat.
"Teren," was all I could croak out.
It was enough. I heard the door immediately swish open, felt the difference in the air current as it was swished closed. Air eddied around me and I shivered again with the ice I felt in it. The bed compressed near me and I felt Teren's presence, even if I couldn't open my eyes yet to look at him.
His cool hands brushed over my face, tucking hair behind my ears. I was sure I looked atrocious and I was equally sure Teren didn't care. I felt him lean down to kiss my forehead, his cool lips comforting on my searing skin.
"Hey, you're awake. It's been a few days. I was so worried. . . " His voice was strained, like he was nearly overcome with emotion. He must have really been scared for me. I could hardly imagine how awful waiting around for me to either live or die must have been. I idly wondered what he'd told the doctor.
I forced my heavy eyes open and took in his concerned pale ones, glowing faintly in the darkness of the room. His face was oddly lit in a way I couldn't understand, but I was so happy to see him, that I didn't really care. The tears in my eyes threatened to roll down my cheeks as I took in the perfect face I was so sure I'd never see again. He reached beside him to the lamp on a nightstand and flicked it on. As soft amber light filled the room, and I blinked in the harshness of it, I finally noticed that we weren'
t at a hospital, we were at the ranch.
I scrunched my brows as I looked around with only my eyes, careful to keep my aching neck still. "Why are we back here?" My words were coming out sounding all weird, my tongue still seeming like it didn't fit in my body correctly and my throat raspy, like I was a lifelong smoker all of a sudden.
His hands cupped my cheeks as his eyes watered. "Do you remember. . . anything?"
I carefully lifted my hand and placed it over his, my warmth seeping through his coolness, so that I felt it on my cheek. "Don't be scared, Teren. . . I'm fine. " He tried to adjust his face so he looked carefree and untroubled, but I saw the lie behind it. I saw the tension in his jaw, the tightness of his eyes; I could almost smell the fear on him. "I remember. . . a little. I remember being held down and I remember teeth. . . "
I closed my eyes as the memory of the attack seared through me. I'd thought it was over. I was positive when I'd felt the viciousness and brutality of the bite, nothing like Teren's love nips, that I was done. Teren's cool head came down to rest on mine. "I'm so sorry, Emma. It happened so fast. I didn't see it coming. I didn't know he was going to. . . "
I switched my hand to his chest and pushed him back so I could look at him. "It's okay, Teren. . . I'm fine. " Dead thirsty and like I was in a possessed body, but fine. I was alive at any rate and so were our children. That equaled fine in my book.
A look passed over his eyes that I swear was guilt, and he looked down at the pillows. Feeling an odd tension building, I jokingly muttered, "Did anyone stake the bastard?"
He looked up at me, a slight crooked grin on his lips. "You won't believe me. "
Preferring that face to his worried or guilty face, I dropped my hand back to my belly and gave him an odd-feeling smile, or tried to anyway. "Tell me. " Pain seared through me, but I tried to ignore it, not wanting Teren to feel bad, and not wanting him to leave my side just yet. I'd been too close to losing him once tonight already, when I'd been sure I was dead.
He sighed at the look of restrained pain on my face and oddly avoided looking me directly in the eye, but he continued with his story, maybe also not wanting to leave me yet. He lightly shook his head, his wry smile returning. "Ben. " My brow furrowed and I tried to shake my head, but immediately stopped at the jolt of pain that gave me.
Teren bit his lip as he looked over my face, but explained before I could ask him to. He sighed and rolled his eyes, a small grin returning to his otherwise almost tragic face. "I guess Ben has taken to arming himself when he goes out. " He shook his head, his eyes locking onto my neck. "This time. . . it was warranted. " He looked up at me, and I got the feeling he was making himself meet my gaze. "The whole time he was watching the. . . conversation, he was clutching a stake in his pocket. When that vamp moved, he automatically swung. " Teren raised an eyebrow at me and lost what little grin he'd had. "He pierced his heart, through his back. " Then the smirk returned and he nodded his head towards the door. "He's still here, downstairs. . . drinking heavily. He won't leave until he knows that you're okay. " He shrugged and sighed. "I think he's just too freaked out to do anything else yet. "
My mouth dropped wide open. I cringed at the wave of pain that ran through my shoulder up to my jaw and Teren averted his eyes. "Ben?" I croaked out, momentarily ignoring my pain over my shock. "Scaredy-cat Ben staked a vamp?" From somewhere, I swear I heard a husky laugh. I also thought I could hear the sounds of people rustling and lowly talking, but I pushed out my imagined hearing as I focused on my husband. Teren looked up at me, a half-smile slipping off his face as he looked me over. I carefully closed my mouth; it felt odd to do so. "You're right, I don't believe you. "
Teren's eyes were oddly locked onto my mouth, so I tried to smile for him, to reassure him, since he seemed to be having major guilt over the attack. My mouth still felt odd and thick though, so I gave up the feeble attempt, that didn't appear to be reassuring him anyway. I reached over and grabbed his cool hand, lacing our fingers together.
He raised his eyes to mine and swallowed. He also tried a brief reassuring smile, but it quickly fell off of him too as he swept his eyes over my face. I wasn't sure what he was seeing, but it must have been bad. He bit his lip and he looked on the verge of actually crying. "Emma. . . " He stopped and swallowed again. "I. . . I don't know how to. . . " His voice trailed off and he sighed and ran a hand down his face.
I reached my other hand out weakly and stroked my thumb over his cheek as I pulled him towards me. "I know, Teren. " He'd been gone from my arms from too long and I needed him closer. Whatever guilt he was feeling over me being assaulted, he needed to let it go. I needed him. I needed his reassurance. Understanding my need, or maybe needing it to, his arms carefully went around me and he held me tight. The coolness of his body felt good on my aches and pains and I sighed and relaxed slightly at the comfort of his familiar touch.
With his head buried in my uninjured shoulder and no longer able to look at me, Teren finally found the words he was looking for. "He bit you, Emma. . . there was so much blood loss. I heard it. . . I heard it all being taken from you. " I felt a sob break free in his chest and clutched at him. I hadn't considered what the attack would have felt and sounded like to Teren. Being so attuned to my blood, he was probably aware of exactly how many units I'd been depleted of. He must have been so scared for me, much like the time I'd been terrified for him, during his conversion.
I stroked his back as I comforted him. "It's all okay now, Teren. "
His head rested in the crook of my neck and he started lightly shaking it back and forth. "He took so much blood, Emma. . . " I kissed his head, as best as I could with my mouth that felt full of marbles and tried to shush him, but he said it again. "He took so much blood. I'm sorry. "
There was so much guilt in his voice when he said that, that my nerves shot right through the roof. I suddenly had a horrid feeling that everything was not fine. I tried to swallow again, but my throat was fire. I wanted water. . . or a milkshake, something thick and creamy. I wanted to ask Teren for something to ease my throat, and the fire radiating from my neck, but adrenaline was pouring through me now and I was almost too terrified to speak. Everything was not fine.
Somehow, I found the courage to say his name. "Teren?"
He pulled back to look at me and again his eyes flicked over my face. Did I really look so awful to him? Did he really feel so guilty that he'd let a vampire get close enough to nearly drain me dry?
Nearly. . .
My brows scrunched together as Teren repeated softly that he was sorry. "Why. . . what did you do?"
He closed his eyes and I felt like I'd hit the proverbial nail on the head. He wasn't confessing his guilt over the attack, which I'm sure he felt a huge amount of guilt over, since he'd sworn repeatedly that he'd never let anyone harm me - an impossible to keep promise. But that wasn't what was making his eyes fill to the brim with tears. That wasn't what was making it difficult to look me directly in the eye. No, he was torturing himself with guilt over something he'd done, not the vampire. . . something after the attack. My brows scrunched further as I tried to understand. I couldn't. We were all alive - surely that was a good thing.
"Emma. . . " His voice was shaky and a tear finally broke over the surface of his beautiful pale eye and splashed on the sheet over my aching body.
My stomach twisted into painful knots while I tried to decipher his mixed messages. He was glad I was alive and he felt guilty. Why? "Teren, you're scaring me. . . "
He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, gathering his thoughts and his strength. "You lost. . . a lot of blood. When his body was pulled off of you, even before, I could hear your heart slowing. . . your pulse slowing. " He slowly opened his eyes and they looked aged, and for once, what they really were, dead. "You needed more blood. . . "
He swallowed noisily and ice filled my veins. "What did you do?" I whispered.
He sat up more, his hands going to my upper arms, almost
like he was afraid that once he told me, I would make a run for it. Like my pain-riddled body could even do that right now. I braced myself for whatever he was going to tell me. "I'm so sorry, Emma. . . I wasn't thinking. You were going to die, all three of you were going to die. . . I panicked. " He shook his head as he repeated, "I panicked. I'm sorry. "
As the ice and confusion flooded my system, somewhere my voice broke through the pain and dryness of my scratchy throat and found volume. "What did you do!"
He cringed away from the heat in my tone. "I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to save you. . . like you saved me. . . " His eyes, still tired and remorseful, searched my face.
I was on the verge of grabbing him and chucking his dead ass out the window if he didn't tell me exactly what he'd done. "Teren!"
Maybe noticing my patience was virtually gone, he quietly said, "You needed more blood. . . I gave it to you. "
I cocked my head, not understanding what the big deal was. "Yeah, so. . . like a transfusion or something?"
His twisted his lips. "Or something. . . "
The look on his face, the guilt in his voice. . . a past conversation filled my head, shouting through every fiber of my sore body and reverberating through every aching joint. My hand instinctually went to the wound at my neck as my body suddenly felt on fire and words tumbled through my mind in a never-ending loop:
". . . drained of all her blood. . . replaced by a vampire's. Drained of all her blood. . . replaced by a vampire's. . . "
Replaced by a vampire's. A vampire had drained me. . . or nearly so, close enough that my heart had been beginning to fail, and Teren had replaced the blood. . . with his, with his vampire blood. My mouth dropped wide open again. Teren was against turning anyone, and he'd turned me? I couldn't comprehend that. I couldn't believe he'd do that to me? Even dying, I couldn't believe he'd do that to me. We'd never talked about me becoming a vampire, nothing beyond him wishing that I could be like him. But that wasn't possible. It didn't work like that. Did he save me, by killing me?
"What did you do to me?" I asked, stupefied. "Am I. . . ?" I brought a hand to the other side of my neck, trying to find my heartbeat. His eyes tracked my movement as I found my pulse on my skin easily. I could even hear its fast pace in the room. Nope, it was definitely still ticking.
He shook his head. "No, no you're still alive. Your heart is still beating. The babies' hearts are still beating. "
Now I shook my head. I was rewarded with a surge of fresh pain as my neck protested the movement. I cringed and my voice came out laced with an edge of that pain. "But. . . did it not work then? Was your blood just blood after all?" He cringed and looked away. I felt the guilt come back into the room and saw it again, all over his features. "Teren. . . what did you do? What am I?"
He looked back to me as another tear dripped to his cheek. "I don't know, Emma. . . I'm so sorry. "
Before I could say anything else, Alanna and Halina breezed into the room. They left the door open and I could see the familiar hallway of the Adams family home behind them. He'd brought me back to his home after he'd. . . replenished me.
Alanna held a travel coffee mug out to me and I slurped it down without looking. I was so thirsty. . . coffee didn't really sound appealing at the moment, and I had been staying away from the stuff, but at the moment, I didn't care. It was warm and thick, and tasted better than any latte I'd ever been given, sweet and intense in flavor. . . and a little tangy. My mouth still felt odd but the warm liquid was soothing it, and my aching throat. I even felt the pain in my neck subside and thought maybe Alanna had dosed the coffee with painkillers.
I watched them over my cup as I slurped down my drink. They were all looking at me oddly, like I was some science experiment. Teren finally looked down, clear guilt still on his face. Alanna only looked thoughtful, and perhaps a little sad. I shifted my gaze to Halina, who looked the most curious of all of them. Their stares were starting to annoy me.
"Quit looking at me like that. "
I went back to my soothing drink while Alanna looked away and Halina smiled and continued staring. Once I got to the bottom of my drink and was tipping it back for the last of the coffee, Alanna finally spoke. "Would you like some more, Emma?" Her voice had an odd, curious edge to it.
I ignored it and nodded, my neck feeling better already. "Please. . . I'm still really thirsty and whatever you put in that, it's really helping my neck. "
She cocked her head to the side as she absorbed that. Putting a hand on Teren's shoulder, they met eyes for a moment and then she flitted out of the room. Feeling more put together, once my throat and body weren't aching so badly, I put my hand over Teren's in his lap. He flinched slightly at the contact and looked up at me.
I smiled warmly for the first time since he'd walked in here. It still felt odd, but I managed to do it pain free. "Well, it obviously didn't do anything to me, Teren. . . your blood. I'm fine. Sore and feeling kind of odd, but fine. I'm not undead or anything. " I managed a weak laugh and expected him to laugh with me at my joke, but he didn't, he looked down again. He looked guilty again.
Halina smirked at me and then shook her head. I got an uncomfortable feeling looking between the two of them. Eventually Alanna came back with more steaming coffee and Imogen was right behind her. "Is she really. . . ?" Imogen let her sentence trail off as she stared at me on the bed. Her mouth opened wide. God, did I look that bad. I put my hand over my neck wound reflexively.
Alanna handed me the drink and I started gulping down my second cup of Joe. As Teren sighed and locked gazes with his mother again, I concentrated on my pain-reducing coffee. The warm, thick treat got easier to swallow with each loud gulp I could hear going down my throat, but, as wonderful as it was, I was about to chuck it on Teren if he didn't stop looking so solemn. I was obviously just fine, heart still beating and everything. Something about me seemed to be freaking them all out, I just didn't know what. Maybe they were just surprised that his blood really didn't do anything to me, but save me. Maybe they were just startled that a mixed vampires' blood only acted as some miracle healing potion. Although, it had only kept me alive, the residual pain in my neck assured me that the skin there was still torn, healing at a normal human pace.
I still couldn't believe what he'd done for me. As I watched him look between Alanna and Imogen and watched Imogen place a reassuring hand on his shoulder, I pictured what must have happened in that parking lot. After Hot Ben had dispatched the vamp, and I still couldn't wrap my mind around that one, Teren must have blurred to my side and swept me into his arms. I pictured him crying and moaning my name; he was very grieved in my mental movie. I pictured Halina scanning the area and warning him that they had to leave immediately; she was not so grieved. And I pictured Ben staring at my bloody near-corpse and peeing his pants (yeah, I was really having trouble with seeing him any other way, but terrified).
Then I imagined Teren's fangs coming out and ripping open his own wrist. I imagined him bringing that wrist to my mouth and my nearly deceased body automatically swallowing the cool liquid of his foreign blood. In my mind, I imagined Halina and Ben screaming at him to stop, but overwhelmed with grief, he couldn't, and he continued giving me his miraculous blood until his wounded wrist healed. I had no idea why vampiric blood pouring into my stomach had kept me alive, or kept any vampire "alive" for that matter, but then, there was a lot about vampires that I didn't understand. Hell, there was a lot about the human body that I didn't understand. Some things you just have to go with. But it had, and it hadn't changed me. I couldn't see why they weren't all doing a vampire jig.
I closed my eyes for a second, to wipe away the stomach churning image of Teren feeding me his blood, and concentrated even more on the yummy coffee I was drinking. As soon as I finished this cup, I was demanding some answers from the oddly quiet vampires. As I neared the end of my second helping, a happy noise left my throat. Dang, Alanna makes good coffee, so much better than Starbucks.
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Teren dropped his head to his hands and Alanna put her hand on his shoulder again. "God. . . Mom. . . " He spoke something else, but it was in Russian and I couldn't make it out. She responded in a solemn voice, also in the foreign language. He dropped his hands to his lap and shook his head, looking a little defeated.
Irritated by the let's-keep-Emma-out-of-the-loop Russian, I stopped drinking, and feeling a little saucy as Alanna's miracle coffee made me feel even better, I spat out, "What? Why do you all look like that? I'm fine. In fact, I'm feeling better every second. " Looking at each vampire pointedly, I more calmly said, "I'm normal. The babies are fine. Teren saved us all. . . where's the celebration?"
They all shared a look between each other, but no one spoke again. I sighed irritably and was about to speak, when Jack and Hot Ben entered the room. Jack looked at me with the same odd, curious reaction that the vampires did, as he walked over to stand beside his wife. She looked at him and clenched his hand. A thoughtful look past between them that I couldn't even begin to place.
My attention was redirected to the door frame when I heard Hot Ben say, "Whoa, Emma. " His face was pale and his eyes were wide as he stared at me. He stumbled slightly and I recalled Teren saying that he'd been spending his idle time drinking heavily. I tried not to take offense at his reaction to my - I'm sure - horrid face. He was probably barely seeing straight at this point.
He looked about to say more, one hand running through his highlighted locks, but Teren shot him a glance that had a clear warning in it. Teren obviously didn't want him mocking my appearance right now. Regardless of my irritation at him, I squeezed his hand appreciatively as Hot Ben shut his mouth, leaning against the doorframe as he stared at me relentlessly.
Teren looked at my hand over his and then up at my smiling face. Holding my cup out to him, I said, "This is really helping, can I have some more?"
Teren looked pained and focusing on his mother, spoke to her in Russian again.
"No! Stop that, right now!" I was getting more used to my odd feeling body and had brought a little heat into that sentence. Damn their secretive language anyway, I was tired of being kept out of conversations that were clearly about me. They all looked over at me, a little stunned at my outburst. "What? You are all looking at me like. . . I don't know. What is it?"
It was long seconds of everyone looking at everyone else before anyone would finally look at me. Just when my patience was about was high as it could go, Teren finally sighed and looked at me with resignation clear on his face. "Emma," he began slowly, like at any moment I was going to lash out at him, "please don't freak out. "
Even more irritated, I spat out, "I'm already starting to freak out. You can't ask me to not do something I'm already doing! What the hell is going on?"
Teren sighed, but it was eventually Halina who handed me a small hand mirror off the vanity behind her. Confused, I took it and looked at my reflection. Ugh, I was as horrid as I thought I'd be. Deep circles under my eyes and my hair a wild mess. The bandage on my neck was huge and although a more manageable amount of pain than before, still tugged at me whenever I shifted; maybe I should still ask for that pain pill. But other than that. . . I looked the same.
"Okay, I don't get what the. . . "
I stopped talking once a flash of my open mouth showed in the mirror. My jaw dropped nearly to the sheet and I stared at myself with a mix of wonder and horror. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, what they had all been staring at, why Teren was having trouble looking directly at me. For one, my tongue was red, blood red, but more importantly than that, so much more importantly than that. . .
I had fangs.
"Holy shit. "