CHAPTER VI--ILL AND CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN
When I came down to the ship I found it strangely removed. Theforecastle, which lay before buried in sand, was heaved up at least sixfeet, and the stern, which was broke in pieces and parted from the restby the force of the sea, soon after I had left rummaging her, was tossedas it were up, and cast on one side; and the sand was thrown so high onthat side next her stern, that whereas there was a great place of waterbefore, so that I could not come within a quarter of a mile of the wreckwithout swimming I could now walk quite up to her when the tide was out.I was surprised with this at first, but soon concluded it must be done bythe earthquake; and as by this violence the ship was more broke open thanformerly, so many things came daily on shore, which the sea had loosened,and which the winds and water rolled by degrees to the land.
This wholly diverted my thoughts from the design of removing myhabitation, and I busied myself mightily, that day especially, insearching whether I could make any way into the ship; but I found nothingwas to be expected of that kind, for all the inside of the ship waschoked up with sand. However, as I had learned not to despair ofanything, I resolved to pull everything to pieces that I could of theship, concluding that everything I could get from her would be of someuse or other to me.
_May_ 3.--I began with my saw, and cut a piece of a beam through, which Ithought held some of the upper part or quarter-deck together, and when Ihad cut it through, I cleared away the sand as well as I could from theside which lay highest; but the tide coming in, I was obliged to giveover for that time.
_May_ 4.--I went a-fishing, but caught not one fish that I durst eat of,till I was weary of my sport; when, just going to leave off, I caught ayoung dolphin. I had made me a long line of some rope-yarn, but I had nohooks; yet I frequently caught fish enough, as much as I cared to eat;all which I dried in the sun, and ate them dry.
_May_ 5.--Worked on the wreck; cut another beam asunder, and broughtthree great fir planks off from the decks, which I tied together, andmade to float on shore when the tide of flood came on.
_May_ 6.--Worked on the wreck; got several iron bolts out of her andother pieces of ironwork. Worked very hard, and came home very muchtired, and had thoughts of giving it over.
_May_ 7.--Went to the wreck again, not with an intent to work, but foundthe weight of the wreck had broke itself down, the beams being cut; thatseveral pieces of the ship seemed to lie loose, and the inside of thehold lay so open that I could see into it; but it was almost full ofwater and sand.
_May_ 8.--Went to the wreck, and carried an iron crow to wrench up thedeck, which lay now quite clear of the water or sand. I wrenched opentwo planks, and brought them on shore also with the tide. I left theiron crow in the wreck for next day.
_May_ 9.--Went to the wreck, and with the crow made way into the body ofthe wreck, and felt several casks, and loosened them with the crow, butcould not break them up. I felt also a roll of English lead, and couldstir it, but it was too heavy to remove.
_May_ 10-14.--Went every day to the wreck; and got a great many pieces oftimber, and boards, or plank, and two or three hundredweight of iron.
_May_ 15.--I carried two hatchets, to try if I could not cut a piece offthe roll of lead by placing the edge of one hatchet and driving it withthe other; but as it lay about a foot and a half in the water, I couldnot make any blow to drive the hatchet.
_May_ 16.--It had blown hard in the night, and the wreck appeared morebroken by the force of the water; but I stayed so long in the woods, toget pigeons for food, that the tide prevented my going to the wreck thatday.
_May_ 17.--I saw some pieces of the wreck blown on shore, at a greatdistance, near two miles off me, but resolved to see what they were, andfound it was a piece of the head, but too heavy for me to bring away.
_May_ 24.--Every day, to this day, I worked on the wreck; and with hardlabour I loosened some things so much with the crow, that the firstflowing tide several casks floated out, and two of the seamen's chests;but the wind blowing from the shore, nothing came to land that day butpieces of timber, and a hogshead, which had some Brazil pork in it; butthe salt water and the sand had spoiled it. I continued this work everyday to the 15th of June, except the time necessary to get food, which Ialways appointed, during this part of my employment, to be when the tidewas up, that I might be ready when it was ebbed out; and by this time Ihad got timber and plank and ironwork enough to have built a good boat,if I had known how; and also I got, at several times and in severalpieces, near one hundredweight of the sheet lead.
_June_ 16.--Going down to the seaside, I found a large tortoise orturtle. This was the first I had seen, which, it seems, was only mymisfortune, not any defect of the place, or scarcity; for had I happenedto be on the other side of the island, I might have had hundreds of themevery day, as I found afterwards; but perhaps had paid dear enough forthem.
_June_ 17.--I spent in cooking the turtle. I found in her three-scoreeggs; and her flesh was to me, at that time, the most savoury andpleasant that ever I tasted in my life, having had no flesh, but of goatsand fowls, since I landed in this horrid place.
_June_ 18.--Rained all day, and I stayed within. I thought at this timethe rain felt cold, and I was something chilly; which I knew was notusual in that latitude.
_June_ 19.--Very ill, and shivering, as if the weather had been cold.
_June_ 20.--No rest all night; violent pains in my head, and feverish.
_June_ 21.--Very ill; frighted almost to death with the apprehensions ofmy sad condition--to be sick, and no help. Prayed to God, for the firsttime since the storm off Hull, but scarce knew what I said, or why, mythoughts being all confused.
_June_ 22.--A little better; but under dreadful apprehensions ofsickness.
_June_ 23.--Very bad again; cold and shivering, and then a violentheadache.
_June_ 24.--Much better.
_June_ 25.--An ague very violent; the fit held me seven hours; cold fitand hot, with faint sweats after it.
_June_ 26.--Better; and having no victuals to eat, took my gun, but foundmyself very weak. However, I killed a she-goat, and with much difficultygot it home, and broiled some of it, and ate, I would fain have stewedit, and made some broth, but had no pot.
_June_ 27.--The ague again so violent that I lay a-bed all day, andneither ate nor drank. I was ready to perish for thirst; but so weak, Ihad not strength to stand up, or to get myself any water to drink.Prayed to God again, but was light-headed; and when I was not, I was soignorant that I knew not what to say; only I lay and cried, "Lord, lookupon me! Lord, pity me! Lord, have mercy upon me!" I suppose I didnothing else for two or three hours; till, the fit wearing off, I fellasleep, and did not wake till far in the night. When I awoke, I foundmyself much refreshed, but weak, and exceeding thirsty. However, as Ihad no water in my habitation, I was forced to lie till morning, and wentto sleep again. In this second sleep I had this terrible dream: Ithought that I was sitting on the ground, on the outside of my wall,where I sat when the storm blew after the earthquake, and that I saw aman descend from a great black cloud, in a bright flame of fire, andlight upon the ground. He was all over as bright as a flame, so that Icould but just bear to look towards him; his countenance was mostinexpressibly dreadful, impossible for words to describe. When hestepped upon the ground with his feet, I thought the earth trembled, justas it had done before in the earthquake, and all the air looked, to myapprehension, as if it had been filled with flashes of fire. He was nosooner landed upon the earth, but he moved forward towards me, with along spear or weapon in his hand, to kill me; and when he came to arising ground, at some distance, he spoke to me--or I heard a voice soterrible that it is impossible to express the terror of it. All that Ican say I understood was this: "Seeing all these things have not broughtthee to repentance, now thou shalt die;" at which words, I thought helifted up the spear that was in his hand to kill me.
No one that shall ever read this account will expect that I should beable to des
cribe the horrors of my soul at this terrible vision. I mean,that even while it was a dream, I even dreamed of those horrors. Nor isit any more possible to describe the impression that remained upon mymind when I awaked, and found it was but a dream.
I had, alas! no divine knowledge. What I had received by the goodinstruction of my father was then worn out by an uninterrupted series,for eight years, of seafaring wickedness, and a constant conversationwith none but such as were, like myself, wicked and profane to the lastdegree. I do not remember that I had, in all that time, one thought thatso much as tended either to looking upwards towards God, or inwardstowards a reflection upon my own ways; but a certain stupidity of soul,without desire of good, or conscience of evil, had entirely overwhelmedme; and I was all that the most hardened, unthinking, wicked creatureamong our common sailors can be supposed to be; not having the leastsense, either of the fear of God in danger, or of thankfulness to God indeliverance.
In the relating what is already past of my story, this will be the moreeasily believed when I shall add, that through all the variety ofmiseries that had to this day befallen me, I never had so much as onethought of it being the hand of God, or that it was a just punishment formy sin--my rebellious behaviour against my father--or my present sins,which were great--or so much as a punishment for the general course of mywicked life. When I was on the desperate expedition on the desert shoresof Africa, I never had so much as one thought of what would become of me,or one wish to God to direct me whither I should go, or to keep me fromthe danger which apparently surrounded me, as well from voraciouscreatures as cruel savages. But I was merely thoughtless of a God or aProvidence, acted like a mere brute, from the principles of nature, andby the dictates of common sense only, and, indeed, hardly that. When Iwas delivered and taken up at sea by the Portugal captain, well used, anddealt justly and honourably with, as well as charitably, I had not theleast thankfulness in my thoughts. When, again, I was shipwrecked,ruined, and in danger of drowning on this island, I was as far fromremorse, or looking on it as a judgment. I only said to myself often,that I was an unfortunate dog, and born to be always miserable.
It is true, when I got on shore first here, and found all my ship's crewdrowned and myself spared, I was surprised with a kind of ecstasy, andsome transports of soul, which, had the grace of God assisted, might havecome up to true thankfulness; but it ended where it began, in a merecommon flight of joy, or, as I may say, being glad I was alive, withoutthe least reflection upon the distinguished goodness of the hand whichhad preserved me, and had singled me out to be preserved when all therest were destroyed, or an inquiry why Providence had been thus mercifulunto me. Even just the same common sort of joy which seamen generallyhave, after they are got safe ashore from a shipwreck, which they drownall in the next bowl of punch, and forget almost as soon as it is over;and all the rest of my life was like it. Even when I was afterwards, ondue consideration, made sensible of my condition, how I was cast on thisdreadful place, out of the reach of human kind, out of all hope ofrelief, or prospect of redemption, as soon as I saw but a prospect ofliving and that I should not starve and perish for hunger, all the senseof my affliction wore off; and I began to be very easy, applied myself tothe works proper for my preservation and supply, and was far enough frombeing afflicted at my condition, as a judgment from heaven, or as thehand of God against me: these were thoughts which very seldom entered myhead.
The growing up of the corn, as is hinted in my Journal, had at first somelittle influence upon me, and began to affect me with seriousness, aslong as I thought it had something miraculous in it; but as soon as everthat part of the thought was removed, all the impression that was raisedfrom it wore off also, as I have noted already. Even the earthquake,though nothing could be more terrible in its nature, or more immediatelydirecting to the invisible Power which alone directs such things, yet nosooner was the first fright over, but the impression it had made went offalso. I had no more sense of God or His judgments--much less of thepresent affliction of my circumstances being from His hand--than if I hadbeen in the most prosperous condition of life. But now, when I began tobe sick, and a leisurely view of the miseries of death came to placeitself before me; when my spirits began to sink under the burden of astrong distemper, and nature was exhausted with the violence of thefever; conscience, that had slept so long, began to awake, and I began toreproach myself with my past life, in which I had so evidently, byuncommon wickedness, provoked the justice of God to lay me under uncommonstrokes, and to deal with me in so vindictive a manner. Thesereflections oppressed me for the second or third day of my distemper; andin the violence, as well of the fever as of the dreadful reproaches of myconscience, extorted some words from me like praying to God, though Icannot say they were either a prayer attended with desires or with hopes:it was rather the voice of mere fright and distress. My thoughts wereconfused, the convictions great upon my mind, and the horror of dying insuch a miserable condition raised vapours into my head with the mereapprehensions; and in these hurries of my soul I knew not what my tonguemight express. But it was rather exclamation, such as, "Lord, what amiserable creature am I! If I should be sick, I shall certainly die forwant of help; and what will become of me!" Then the tears burst out ofmy eyes, and I could say no more for a good while. In this interval thegood advice of my father came to my mind, and presently his prediction,which I mentioned at the beginning of this story--viz. that if I did takethis foolish step, God would not bless me, and I would have leisurehereafter to reflect upon having neglected his counsel when there mightbe none to assist in my recovery. "Now," said I, aloud, "my dearfather's words are come to pass; God's justice has overtaken me, and Ihave none to help or hear me. I rejected the voice of Providence, whichhad mercifully put me in a posture or station of life wherein I mighthave been happy and easy; but I would neither see it myself nor learn toknow the blessing of it from my parents. I left them to mourn over myfolly, and now I am left to mourn under the consequences of it. I abusedtheir help and assistance, who would have lifted me in the world, andwould have made everything easy to me; and now I have difficulties tostruggle with, too great for even nature itself to support, and noassistance, no help, no comfort, no advice." Then I cried out, "Lord, bemy help, for I am in great distress." This was the first prayer, if Imay call it so, that I had made for many years.
But to return to my Journal.
_June_ 28.--Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep I had had, andthe fit being entirely off, I got up; and though the fright and terror ofmy dream was very great, yet I considered that the fit of the ague wouldreturn again the next day, and now was my time to get something torefresh and support myself when I should be ill; and the first thing Idid, I filled a large square case-bottle with water, and set it upon mytable, in reach of my bed; and to take off the chill or aguishdisposition of the water, I put about a quarter of a pint of rum into it,and mixed them together. Then I got me a piece of the goat's flesh andbroiled it on the coals, but could eat very little. I walked about, butwas very weak, and withal very sad and heavy-hearted under a sense of mymiserable condition, dreading, the return of my distemper the next day.At night I made my supper of three of the turtle's eggs, which I roastedin the ashes, and ate, as we call it, in the shell, and this was thefirst bit of meat I had ever asked God's blessing to, that I couldremember, in my whole life. After I had eaten I tried to walk, but foundmyself so weak that I could hardly carry a gun, for I never went outwithout that; so I went but a little way, and sat down upon the ground,looking out upon the sea, which was just before me, and very calm andsmooth. As I sat here some such thoughts as these occurred to me: Whatis this earth and sea, of which I have seen so much? Whence is itproduced? And what am I, and all the other creatures wild and tame,human and brutal? Whence are we? Sure we are all made by some secretPower, who formed the earth and sea, the air and sky. And who is that?Then it followed most naturally, it is God that has made all. Well, butthen it came on strangely, if God has made
all these things, He guidesand governs them all, and all things that concern them; for the Powerthat could make all things must certainly have power to guide and directthem. If so, nothing can happen in the great circuit of His works,either without His knowledge or appointment.
And if nothing happens without His knowledge, He knows that I am here,and am in this dreadful condition; and if nothing happens without Hisappointment, He has appointed all this to befall me. Nothing occurred tomy thought to contradict any of these conclusions, and therefore itrested upon me with the greater force, that it must needs be that God hadappointed all this to befall me; that I was brought into this miserablecircumstance by His direction, He having the sole power, not of me only,but of everything that happened in the world. Immediately it followed:Why has God done this to me? What have I done to be thus used? Myconscience presently checked me in that inquiry, as if I had blasphemed,and methought it spoke to me like a voice: "Wretch! dost _thou_ ask whatthou hast done? Look back upon a dreadful misspent life, and ask thyselfwhat thou hast _not_ done? Ask, why is it that thou wert not long agodestroyed? Why wert thou not drowned in Yarmouth Roads; killed in thefight when the ship was taken by the Sallee man-of-war; devoured by thewild beasts on the coast of Africa; or drowned _here_, when all the crewperished but thyself? Dost _thou_ ask, what have I done?" I was struckdumb with these reflections, as one astonished, and had not a word tosay--no, not to answer to myself, but rose up pensive and sad, walkedback to my retreat, and went up over my wall, as if I had been going tobed; but my thoughts were sadly disturbed, and I had no inclination tosleep; so I sat down in my chair, and lighted my lamp, for it began to bedark. Now, as the apprehension of the return of my distemper terrifiedme very much, it occurred to my thought that the Brazilians take nophysic but their tobacco for almost all distempers, and I had a piece ofa roll of tobacco in one of the chests, which was quite cured, and somealso that was green, and not quite cured.
I went, directed by Heaven no doubt; for in this chest I found a cureboth for soul and body. I opened the chest, and found what I looked for,the tobacco; and as the few books I had saved lay there too, I took outone of the Bibles which I mentioned before, and which to this time I hadnot found leisure or inclination to look into. I say, I took it out, andbrought both that and the tobacco with me to the table. What use to makeof the tobacco I knew not, in my distemper, or whether it was good for itor no: but I tried several experiments with it, as if I was resolved itshould hit one way or other. I first took a piece of leaf, and chewed itin my mouth, which, indeed, at first almost stupefied my brain, thetobacco being green and strong, and that I had not been much used to.Then I took some and steeped it an hour or two in some rum, and resolvedto take a dose of it when I lay down; and lastly, I burnt some upon a panof coals, and held my nose close over the smoke of it as long as I couldbear it, as well for the heat as almost for suffocation. In the intervalof this operation I took up the Bible and began to read; but my head wastoo much disturbed with the tobacco to bear reading, at least at thattime; only, having opened the book casually, the first words thatoccurred to me were these, "Call on Me in the day of trouble, and I willdeliver thee, and thou shalt glorify Me." These words were very apt tomy case, and made some impression upon my thoughts at the time of readingthem, though not so much as they did afterwards; for, as for being_delivered_, the word had no sound, as I may say, to me; the thing was soremote, so impossible in my apprehension of things, that I began to say,as the children of Israel did when they were promised flesh to eat, "CanGod spread a table in the wilderness?" so I began to say, "Can GodHimself deliver me from this place?" And as it was not for many yearsthat any hopes appeared, this prevailed very often upon my thoughts; but,however, the words made a great impression upon me, and I mused upon themvery often. It grew now late, and the tobacco had, as I said, dozed myhead so much that I inclined to sleep; so I left my lamp burning in thecave, lest I should want anything in the night, and went to bed. Butbefore I lay down, I did what I never had done in all my life--I kneeleddown, and prayed to God to fulfil the promise to me, that if I calledupon Him in the day of trouble, He would deliver me. After my broken andimperfect prayer was over, I drank the rum in which I had steeped thetobacco, which was so strong and rank of the tobacco that I couldscarcely get it down; immediately upon this I went to bed. I foundpresently it flew up into my head violently; but I fell into a soundsleep, and waked no more till, by the sun, it must necessarily be nearthree o'clock in the afternoon the next day--nay, to this hour I ampartly of opinion that I slept all the next day and night, and tillalmost three the day after; for otherwise I know not how I should lose aday out of my reckoning in the days of the week, as it appeared someyears after I had done; for if I had lost it by crossing and recrossingthe line, I should have lost more than one day; but certainly I lost aday in my account, and never knew which way. Be that, however, one wayor the other, when I awaked I found myself exceedingly refreshed, and myspirits lively and cheerful; when I got up I was stronger than I was theday before, and my stomach better, for I was hungry; and, in short, I hadno fit the next day, but continued much altered for the better. This wasthe 29th.
The 30th was my well day, of course, and I went abroad with my gun, butdid not care to travel too far. I killed a sea-fowl or two, somethinglike a brandgoose, and brought them home, but was not very forward to eatthem; so I ate some more of the turtle's eggs, which were very good.This evening I renewed the medicine, which I had supposed did me good theday before--the tobacco steeped in rum; only I did not take so much asbefore, nor did I chew any of the leaf, or hold my head over the smoke;however, I was not so well the next day, which was the first of July, asI hoped I should have been; for I had a little spice of the cold fit, butit was not much.
_July_ 2.--I renewed the medicine all the three ways; and dosed myselfwith it as at first, and doubled the quantity which I drank.
_July_ 3.--I missed the fit for good and all, though I did not recover myfull strength for some weeks after. While I was thus gathering strength,my thoughts ran exceedingly upon this Scripture, "I will deliver thee";and the impossibility of my deliverance lay much upon my mind, in bar ofmy ever expecting it; but as I was discouraging myself with suchthoughts, it occurred to my mind that I pored so much upon my deliverancefrom the main affliction, that I disregarded the deliverance I hadreceived, and I was as it were made to ask myself such questions asthese--viz. Have I not been delivered, and wonderfully too, fromsickness--from the most distressed condition that could be, and that wasso frightful to me? and what notice had I taken of it? Had I done mypart? God had delivered me, but I had not glorified Him--that is to say,I had not owned and been thankful for that as a deliverance; and howcould I expect greater deliverance? This touched my heart very much; andimmediately I knelt down and gave God thanks aloud for my recovery frommy sickness.
_July_ 4.--In the morning I took the Bible; and beginning at the NewTestament, I began seriously to read it, and imposed upon myself to reada while every morning and every night; not tying myself to the number ofchapters, but long as my thoughts should engage me. It was not longafter I set seriously to this work till I found my heart more deeply andsincerely affected with the wickedness of my past life. The impressionof my dream revived; and the words, "All these things have not broughtthee to repentance," ran seriously through my thoughts. I was earnestlybegging of God to give me repentance, when it happened providentially,the very day, that, reading the Scripture, I came to these words: "He isexalted a Prince and a Saviour, to give repentance and to giveremission." I threw down the book; and with my heart as well as my handslifted up to heaven, in a kind of ecstasy of joy, I cried out aloud,"Jesus, thou son of David! Jesus, thou exalted Prince and Saviour! giveme repentance!" This was the first time I could say, in the true senseof the words, that I prayed in all my life; for now I prayed with a senseof my condition, and a true Scripture view of hope, founded on theencouragement of the Word of God; and from this time, I may say, I bega
nto hope that God would hear me.
Now I began to construe the words mentioned above, "Call on Me, and Iwill deliver thee," in a different sense from what I had ever donebefore; for then I had no notion of anything being called _deliverance_,but my being delivered from the captivity I was in; for though I wasindeed at large in the place, yet the island was certainly a prison tome, and that in the worse sense in the world. But now I learned to takeit in another sense: now I looked back upon my past life with suchhorror, and my sins appeared so dreadful, that my soul sought nothing ofGod but deliverance from the load of guilt that bore down all my comfort.As for my solitary life, it was nothing. I did not so much as pray to bedelivered from it or think of it; it was all of no consideration incomparison to this. And I add this part here, to hint to whoever shallread it, that whenever they come to a true sense of things, they willfind deliverance from sin a much greater blessing than deliverance fromaffliction.
But, leaving this part, I return to my Journal.
My condition began now to be, though not less miserable as to my way ofliving, yet much easier to my mind: and my thoughts being directed, by aconstant reading the Scripture and praying to God, to things of a highernature, I had a great deal of comfort within, which till now I knewnothing of; also, my health and strength returned, I bestirred myself tofurnish myself with everything that I wanted, and make my way of livingas regular as I could.
From the 4th of July to the 14th I was chiefly employed in walking aboutwith my gun in my hand, a little and a little at a time, as a man thatwas gathering up his strength after a fit of sickness; for it is hardlyto be imagined how low I was, and to what weakness I was reduced. Theapplication which I made use of was perfectly new, and perhaps which hadnever cured an ague before; neither can I recommend it to any topractise, by this experiment: and though it did carry off the fit, yet itrather contributed to weakening me; for I had frequent convulsions in mynerves and limbs for some time. I learned from it also this, inparticular, that being abroad in the rainy season was the most perniciousthing to my health that could be, especially in those rains which cameattended with storms and hurricanes of wind; for as the rain which camein the dry season was almost always accompanied with such storms, so Ifound that rain was much more dangerous than the rain which fell inSeptember and October.