I wobbled a little as I pushed myself off the car and put my phone in my back pocket. “I’m good at fixing things that are left behind and broken down, Asa. Don’t worry about me.” I had booze-fueled confidence to make the words sound more certain than they were.
He sighed again and looked down at the toes of his boots. “It’s never fun to see a good man get knocked down.” When he lifted his head back up there was concern stamped clearly across his face. “It’s even worse when that man doesn’t seem interested in getting himself back up. I’m cheaper than a shrink, Wheeler, and my office is a lot more fun.”
The man was going to be spreading himself thin if he was trying to save every lonely heart that sat down at his bar. He was weeks away from opening his own speakeasy-style bar in the heart of LoDo and that meant double the amount of advice to dole out to people that probably weren’t going to listen anyway.
“I’ll keep that in mind, Asa. Take care of that beauty.” Most would think I was talking about his pretty cop girlfriend, but anyone who knew me or knew anything about how a real gearhead operated would know I was talking about the Nova. He was doing the bulk of the restorations himself but occasionally he would bring it by the shop for a mechanical issue his limited knowledge couldn’t handle. It was a sweet ride and I was glad it found a good home. Besides, it wasn’t like anyone needed to tell Asa to take care of his girl; he treated the redheaded cop like she was his entire reason for existing … kind of the way I’d treated Kallie until it all went south.
I gave the Uber driver the address to my place in Curtis Park and tried to tamp down the now familiar hollow and vacant feeling that came with heading home to an empty house. I’d bought the place a hot second after I slid my ring on Kallie’s finger thinking that she was finally ready to settle down and grow up. We’d been together since we were nothing more than kids; however, while I’d gotten more ambitious and more focused on building something impossible to take away from me over the years, she seemed stuck in place. She was always a handful, a bit of a princess with an annoying tendency toward drama and hysterics, but she loved me and she never left me. So I put up with it all. Now that she was gone, hindsight was startlingly clear and I could see all the ways that we had been moving in different directions long before her first indiscretion. I wanted stability and a solid foundation. She wanted to party and be free all while letting me take care of her and support her. Being needed was nice, but not when it turned into being needed for the things I could provide instead of being needed for the man that I was. I’d turned into an ATM machine instead of a boyfriend and a lover. The worst part was I let it happen by not being able to tell Kallie no. I was too worried that if I denied her she would go. In the end it didn’t matter how much I gave, or how hard I’d loved: she went anyway.
“Whoa, what happened to that house?” The Uber driver’s voice pulled me out of my morose thoughts. He was motioning toward the blackened and burned shell of the house that was across the street from mine. It was the house where Brighton Walker and his daughter, Avett, had lived until trouble came calling in a pretty dramatic way.
My buddy Zeb had bought the ruined dwelling and was slowly working to restore it, but the progress was slow and the building looked like it had seen much better days, because it had.
“Fire, but nobody was hurt.” The driver muttered something I didn’t hear and pulled into my driveway. I tripped over my own feet as I climbed out of the back of the car and I hated that my hands shook as it took several tries to get the key in the keyhole on the front door. I’d never been much of a drinker. When your mom was an addict and clinically unhinged, that tended to make indulging in anything that had the ability to lead to a habit leave a bad taste. The last few months I’d been drinking to forget and to stop the memories, but leaving my car behind and being hungover in the morning was starting to wear thin.
I needed to find a better way to cope with all the things that were eating at my insides. Unbidden, an image of wide, golden eyes looking at me like I’d kicked the puppy she was holding when I told her Kallie was pregnant with my baby and I had no clue what I was doing and no time for another innocent soul in my life rolled through my hazy mind. It also baffled and confused me why that news made her look like she was going to fall over. I wasn’t exactly thrilled that Kallie was having my kid, but I couldn’t see a reason why that would affect Poppy, especially as drastically as it had.
Once I was inside my house I tossed my keys on the fancy table that Kallie had insisted on buying for the hallway. The dumb thing cost a bundle and all I used it for was a key holder and a place to toss the mail when I remembered to check it. It was another reminder that I should have put my foot down, should have found a better balance, not that any of that mattered now.
Sighing, I kicked off my boots, pulled off my T-shirt with one hand, and plopped myself down on the couch. When Kallie still lived here I would have had to completely strip and shower before I was allowed to sit on the ridiculously expensive, pale gray piece of furniture. It was not a couch that was man-friendly … especially when that man was rolling around under cars and was shoulders deep in engines all day. I’d been horrified when the delivery guys dropped it off, but Kallie cried and told me I didn’t understand her decorating vision, so I relented. Now I didn’t give two shits if the dumb thing ended up with grease stains and dirt all over it. I was going shopping for a new one as soon as I had a day off and was sober enough to remember I needed a new couch.
I put my feet up on the coffee table, turned on the TV, not bothering to turn it down when screaming, bitching housewives from some county came on the screen. With any luck the SoCo would do its job and I would drift away before the loneliness suffocated me.
The last thought I had before I let my eyes shut was that if I’d taken the puppy from Poppy there would have been something waiting for me to get back home … hell, I would have had a reason not to go out in the first place.
Maybe a puppy was just the kind of practice I needed before my actual baby made its appearance. And if pretty Poppy Cruz wanted to give me a hand figuring out how to be a good puppy parent, I definitely wouldn’t complain. For the first time in months I went to sleep with an almost smile on my face instead of the frown that felt like it was as much a part of my skin as my tattoos.
Poppy
Trying to get the rambunctious puppy to walk on a leash was turning out to be more of a challenge than I thought it would be. He was tiny, but his little body was strong and he was determined not to cooperate. I was sure we made quite a sight as I struggled in vain to get him to walk next to me. Instead, he danced and leaped around at the end of the lead like a balloon with the air rushing out of it as he bounded from one smell to the next.
I was freezing because I hadn’t bothered to change out of my scrubs after work and the weather was fast turning toward winter temperatures. My heart might be firmly located in Colorado but my blood was still used to the Texas sun and sweltering heat. It didn’t help matters that I could probably stand to add a few pounds on my naturally thin frame. I’d never been built with the kind of curves that could stop traffic like Salem was, and after my husband abducted me at gunpoint and ran with me across state lines, all while doing the most horrible things imaginable to my body and my mind, I’d lost what little appetite I had to begin with. I could go several days without eating because wayward thoughts and memories of being violated and tortured had a sneaky way of creeping into my mind when I least expected them. They always made my stomach turn. I knew I should do a better job taking care of myself, but it was easy to forget that I deserved better, so I was constantly reminding myself to take each little victory as a sign that I was on the right path. There were days I ate three square meals and managed to keep it all down, but there had yet to be a night that I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat with a scream locked in my throat and my heart racing so fast it felt like it was going to explode.
I rounded the corner at the end of my block and came to a halt. T
he puppy took that as a sign that we were done playing and started jumping all over my lower legs and pawing at my shins. He whined at me until I picked him up, and as soon as he could reach my face, his little tongue started darting all over my chin and cheeks. I wondered if he could feel the tension that made my limbs stiff and the anxiety that tightened all my muscles. I felt my breath catch in the back of my throat and there was no stopping my eyes from rapidly blinking to make sure what I was seeing was real and not a figment of my imagination.
He looked like one of those black-and-white art prints that hung in every diner and restaurant I’d ever eaten in. The one that was a throwback to another era when cool was something you had to cultivate and couldn’t buy on Amazon. He was leaning against a black-and-silver car that looked like it should be on the cover of a hot-rod magazine and not parked on a busy and crowded Capitol Hill street. He had on dark jeans and a dark canvas jacket that had the logo of his garage embroidered on the front. His ankles were crossed on the curb in front of him and one booted foot bounced up and down, giving the impression that he’d been waiting for me for a while. His arms were crossed over his chest and his eyes were locked on mine as I stood still, unsure what to do. He had an effortless kind of charisma that radiated off of him. It was equal parts intimidating and irresistible. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to rush toward him or run as far from him as possible.
The puppy made the decision for me. Seeing another human, and thus another opportunity for pats and rubs, he threw his wiggling little body out of my arms before I could react. He hit the ground with a sharp yelp and then bolted right for Wheeler. I let out a gasp and took off after him thinking I could catch the end of the leash that was trailing behind him. I didn’t want him to run into the street or veer off into a yard where he didn’t belong. I was light-years away from being able to handle a confrontation with a hostile stranger that didn’t want the puppy in their yard.
I didn’t need to worry because Wheeler pushed his long, lean frame off the polished side of the car and reached the scrambling animal within a few strides. He crouched down as the puppy hurled himself into his arms and scooped the excited bundle up in one fluid motion. Then he was rising to his full height, which meant he was towering over me when I reached where he was standing. I was embarrassed at how out of breath I was. I was supposed to be stronger than I was before, but I could hardly handle a little jog up the block or the way my heart raced at the sight of him.
I shook my head and put my hands on my hips as I looked up into those arctic eyes. He was scratching the puppy under the chin and looking at me from under lashes that had the barest hint of red in them. “Why don’t you have a coat on?”
It wasn’t what I was expecting but his question reminded me that I was cold and that the lightweight hoodie that had the Saints of Denver logo on it wasn’t doing much to keep the bitter chill in the air off my skin. The shirt was probably the most exciting garment I had in my closet. It was the only thing I owned that was bright and colorful. I rubbed my arms up and down and fired my own question right back at him. “What are you doing here?”
The puppy barked like he was telling me not to be rude but I was unsettled by Wheeler’s unexpected appearance. It wasn’t the typical unsettled that I struggled with because he was a man that I didn’t know. It was the kind of unsettled that made parts of my body I forget could react to an attractive man feel warm and tingly. The kind of unsettled that had me involuntarily leaning closer to him as he started to shift so that he could pull his heavy jacket off one arm without letting go of the dog.
“I wanted to talk to you about the dog. Did you find someone to take him yet?” He shifted the puppy to his now bare arm and I watched the endless amounts of ink that covered his skin move and flex as he shook his other arm free of the coat.
“Uh … not really.” The truth was I hadn’t put that much effort into finding someone because I didn’t want to let the puppy go. In just a few days I’d grown attached even though I knew I wasn’t allowed to keep him in my apartment. I’d already asked since Dixie was allowed to keep Dolly, but the landlord informed me they were grandfathered in before the laws surrounding pit bulls in Denver changed. My little guy wasn’t that lucky.
My response made Wheeler chuckle. He stared at me silently as he held out the coat he’d taken off in his free hand.
“Put this on.” I stared at him like he’d suddenly started speaking Russian until he shook the coat again and frowned at me. His voice was serious and left no room for argument when he repeated the command. “Put this on, Poppy. I want to talk to you and I know you aren’t comfortable inviting me up to your apartment.”
I winced at the reminder of how spazzy and skittish I acted when I’d had to knock on Dixie’s door while he was house-sitting for her. He’d invited me into the apartment and it took every single ounce of courage I had to step over the threshold. Once inside with him, I’d been so jumpy and twitchy that both Wheeler and Dolly had given me a wide berth and plenty of space to freak out. Wheeler went to find what I needed for Dolly and didn’t even try to hand it off to me. He set it on the floor a few feet away from where I was quaking and shivering and then took himself all the way back across the room to the kitchen so I could gather everything up and make my escape without having to get too close to him. I’d wanted to cry tears of gratitude and sob with remorse at the same time. I hated that I couldn’t fight through the fear and just act normal.
I took the jacket he was holding out for me with shaking hands and fought the urge to bury my nose in it to see if it smelled like him. I liked the way that he always kind of smelled like he’d had his hands in something mechanical and messy. There was no expensive cologne for Wheeler, just the clean smell of soap, the lemony scent of whatever he used in that thick head of reddish-brown hair, and the persistent trace of how he made his living. It was honest and it was real. The way it surrounded me was intoxicating as I slid my arms into the sleeves of his jacket. The material went down well past my fingertips and the bottom hit me at midthigh. I was instantly warm, wrapped up in his scent and his lingering body heat. In fact, I couldn’t recall ever being this cozy.
I took a deep breath and moved my hands so I could push the hair that had escaped my messy topknot out of my face. “It’s cold, you can come up. I can’t promise that I’m going to be a great hostess or anything but I think I can handle a quick conversation without passing out at your feet.” He’d never asked on any of the occasions when we were together why I acted like such a basketcase around him. I figured somewhere along the line someone had given him the CliffsNotes version of what had happened to me. He could fill in the blanks with a quick Google search from there. My nightmare had a million links.
It was his turn to rub his arms up and down to keep warm as he considered me for a second. Apparently deciding he was going to take me up on my less than hospitable offer, he put the puppy down on the sidewalk, wrapped the end of the leash around his tattooed wrist, and nodded toward the front of the building. I scowled as the little troublemaker immediately fell into trotting steps right next to those booted feet like a good boy.
I followed Wheeler up the cement steps and almost bumped into his back as the big, glass security doors swung open. He shifted to the side with the dog but I was still right in the line of fire as four men who appeared to be college aged came out of the building. It was an affordable complex right in the heart of Capitol Hill, so there were a lot of young professionals and students that occupied the apartments around mine. Typically, I was sequestered, safe and sound, in my apartment with the locks thrown by this time. I rarely encountered anyone coming and going, and when I did, I kept my head down and stuck strictly to my side of the hallway. This random run-in was a first and it was going to end horribly as I stood stuck, like a deer caught in headlights. I was going to throw up. I was going to make myself a liar because there was a very real chance that I might end up passing out at Wheeler’s feet the closer the men got to me.
 
; The laughter coming from the young men rasped across my skin and had my breath wheezing out of me in short, shallow pants. I needed to move. I needed to get out of the way. I needed to get safe. I put up a shaking hand as if I could ward off the oncoming collision and closed my eyes, mentally taking myself someplace far far away as I braced for the impact.
It never came.
My breath rushed out and my knees almost buckled as I heard Wheeler’s deep and unfailingly steady voice tell the other men, “Hey, fellas, how about you let the lady slide past you real quick?” There was nothing in his tone but friendly inquiry and maybe a hint of gentle warning that they didn’t want to ignore his request. Since I had my eyes closed I didn’t see, but rather heard, the guys offer up an easy agreement. I couldn’t tell how close they were to me, but in the span of a heartbeat I could tell they had stepped aside and my path to the doorway was clear.
A fuzzy handful was shoved into my unsteady grasp and I could feel Wheeler’s body heat as he stepped next to me, close and reassuring, but not touching. “Come on, honey, let’s get you and the pup out of the cold.”
I forced my eyes open and gave a jerky nod as I buried my face in the puppy’s warm neck. One foot in front of the other, I forced myself through the security door Wheeler was holding open.
“Thanks, fellas.” He flicked his fingers out from his forehead as I kept my gaze locked firmly on him instead of the men that had to be wondering what on earth was wrong with me. I heard the other men mutter back a bunch of “no problems” and “anytimes” but I couldn’t bring myself to look in their direction.
Thankfully my apartment was located on the ground floor. Moving out of Rowdy’s sister’s house and into a place of my own had been a huge step forward in my healing process, but I knew that there was no way I could ever chance being stuck in an elevator alone with a man I didn’t know. That would send me into a full-on breakdown. Fortunately, I found a place on the ground floor that luckily happened to be located right next to Dixie Carmichael’s apartment. I knew Dixie from the bar that Rowdy liked to hang out at, so it wasn’t like there was a stranger sharing the wall with mine. Eventually Dixie and her bubbly, sunny disposition wore me down to the point that I could go over to her place and didn’t freak out if she came into mine. I was going to miss her when she was gone. And I really didn’t want to think about the prospect of having a new person living that close to me.