He sighed, "Lia please I'm sorry I did that, I shouldn't have left you like that, I wish I didn't believe me, I'm so sorry" he said looking at me apologetically. I could feel my heart screaming for him, every part of my body wanted him to hold me again, to tell me he loved me.
I suddenly got angry, sorry wasn't good enough. He hasn't even explained why he broke my heart, screw it, he didn't just break my heart, he ripped it and stomped all over it. "Then why did you leave me? What incredible excuse do you have for not answering my calls, texts, e-mails or letter's? Too busy living it up with some other slut? Someone who'd give it up unlike me? Or didn't you care enough about me to even break up with me?" I asked angrily.
He looked at me hurt, "Is that what you really think? That I didn't care about you?" he asked looking at me shocked.
If he cared about me why the hell did he leave me like that? Of course that's what I think. I slammed my coffee down on the table spilling half of it everywhere. "That's not what I think, that's what I know, I loved you and you left me, you didn't even say goodbye to me. I waited and waited for you. I cried for you. I prayed every night that you would come back and help me, that you would take me away, that you would come back and get me and take me with you, but you never did" I shouted.
All the anger and hurt that I'd kept inside for the last six years was threatening to bubble over. I stood up to leave before I started to cry, I didn't want to cry in front of him. He grabbed my hand and stopped me from leaving. I couldn't hold it anymore, I burst into tears, I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly. I was still angry, I slapped his chest over and over. "You left me, I needed you and you left me on my own" I sobbed into his shirt.
"I'm sorry, Lia please, I'm so sorry, I was hurting over my parents, I couldn't cope with everything, I just kind of went inside myself for a while, I thought you were better off without me, I promise, I never stopped thinking about you, never" he cooed sadly in my ear as he rocked me gently.
"I wasn't better off Ethan" I whispered clinging to him tightly afraid to let go. God I needed him to hold me like this, right here in his arms I felt so safe and protected, I knew he'd never let anything hurt me. Well for as long as he was here, then he'd hurt me more than anyone else when he up and left again. He pulled his arms tighter around me and sat back down pulling me onto his lap as he rocked me gently, stroking my hair as I slowly started to calm down.
"I'm so sorry, I never should have done that, I honestly thought you'd be happier without me, I was so messed up that I wouldn't have been good enough for you, you deserve the best Lia and I wasn't that at the time" he said kissing the side of my head.
I shook my head, "You were always the best thing for me, even if you were messed up I could have helped you, you should have let me" I said swallowing my sobs at the thought of him being alone too, and coping with something like the loss of his parents with no one to help him. He shouldn't have gone through that alone either.
"I should have done, I'm sorry, please forgive me" he begged cupping my face and pulling my face round to look at him, he looked so sad and hurt. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly probably choking the life out of him but he didn't complain he just hugged me back with the same fierce intensity.
"Why did you want me to come and get you? What did you need help with Lia?" he asked trying to pull back to look at me. I hugged him tighter so he couldn't see my face, I didn't want to look into his blue eyes, I couldn't stand it.
"Nothing" I lied, he stroked his hand down my back and bend his head kissing my shoulder gently making my whole body crave for more.
"I'm not letting this go, you need to tell me now Lia, I promise I'll believe you" he said quietly.
He wouldn't believe me, why the hell would he? I told my parents and they didn't believe me. The two people in the world a girl can depend on right? My Mom and Dad, and they thought I was lying, why the hell would he believe me now?
"You won't" I said my voice breaking as I swallowed anther sob.
"I will, tell me" he said sternly.
I pulled back to look at him, God I'd literally spent years dreaming of this moment, the moment I told Ethan and he took care of me. Every time I'd dreamt this moment I'd wanted to tell him, I was eager for it, I knew he'd believe me, but now I suddenly doubted him. Why the hell would he believe something like this?
I imagined his reaction, he'd be shocked like my parents were, then he'd look at me like I was joking, then he'd be horrified at my lies and finally he'd be angry that I could be such a disgusting person to make up something like this. I'd seen it all before, that was exactly how my parents reacted, shock, amusement, horror, anger in that exact order.
He nodded, looking at me pleadingly, his blue eyes bright with concern and sorrow. Oh God please make him believe me, because if he doesn't I don't know what I'll do, Johnny will find out and he definitely wouldn't believe me and I'd be alone.
"Please believe me" I begged, he nodded and wiped my tears from my face with his thumbs. "It's Ben" I said climbing off of his lap and sitting on the sofa next to him.
"What about Ben?" he asked turning in his seat to look at me.
I pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around myself and closed my eyes. "When I was ten, he started......." I started, God this was harder than I thought, telling him was agony.
Another thought suddenly occurred to me, what if he did believe me but then he thought I was some disgusting dirty girl for letting this happen? I mean he would have every right to think that, I was dirty and used.
"He started what Lia?" he asked wrapping his hand around my calf, rubbing his hand on my shin.
"Oh God..... he....he started touching me" I choked out. I felt the sofa move and snapped my eyes open to see him jump off of the couch, he looked murderously angry, his hands clenched into fists, his face the picture of rage.
"What the fuck? He started touching you? Like......" he shouted trailing off as if he didn't want to say the words. I nodded and he let rip a string of expletives that I had never heard come out of his mouth ever, Ethan hardly ever swore. He gripped his hands into his hair tightly, "When you were ten? I was here then, why didn't you tell me?" he cried shaking his head looking a little hurt.
"I didn't know it was wrong, he was my brother, I didn't realise at first" I said pressing my forehead to my knees as I started to sob again. I felt the sofa move as he sat next to me, he wrapped his arms around me tightly.
"You should have told me" he said quietly. I nodded, I know I should have done but I thought it had stopped, I told him to stop and he did, at least until Ethan left.
"When I realised it wasn't.....right, I told him to stop, I told him I'd tell you and he stopped, he was scared of you" I whispered.
"So it stopped?" he asked his voice tight, he was trying to control the anger I could tell.
I nodded "Yeah, then when you left he started again, it got worse and....and...." I started but I couldn't say it, I couldn't say the words.
"And?" he prompted, I guess I needed to say it, things like this don't really form very easily in people's minds, not normal people anyway.
"Three weeks after you left he raped me" I whispered hugging my self tighter as the pain of it all took over and it felt like it was crushing me inside.
"Mother fucker! He raped you? When you were thirteen? Wait.....that....that was Ben's baby?" he screamed making me flinch slightly. Another string of expletives followed and he jumped off of the couch and started walking towards the door. Oh God he's leaving me again.
"Ethan, please don't leave me, not again" I cried my heart breaking at the sight of him walking out of my life for a second time. He stopped and turned back to look at me. His jaw was tight, his eyes were hard, I'd never seen anyone look more terrifying in my life.
"I'm not leaving you, I'll be back soon" he said through his teeth, I let out a breath I didn't realise I was holding. He wasn't leaving me, I felt my hea
rt start to speed up at the promise in his voice.
"Where are you going?" I asked crying again but with relief this time.
"I'm going to rip his head off" he growled as he turned and walked out of the door. Oh God what the hell is he doing? I jumped up and ran after him, he was already outside so I yanked the door open and ran after him.
"Please don't, please Ethan, you'll get in trouble, please" I screamed grabbing his hand which was balled into a tight fist.
He stopped and looked at me, "Everything's fine now Lia, he won't hurt you again" he said angrily.
I wrapped my arms around him, "Please don't leave me, just don't do this, you'll get in trouble, please Ethan, I need you to hold me please" I begged.
He wrapped his arms around me tightly, "I can't let this go Lia" he said quietly. I could tell by his voice that he meant it, he wouldn't let it go, he wasn't the type of person to let things go when he thought they needed to be done.
"Please don't go there tonight please" I begged, my whole body felt weak, my legs would barely support me, I felt my knees give out. His arms tightened around me supporting my weight. He picked me up off my feet and carried me back to the house slamming the door behind him. He walked us back to the couch and sat down pulling me onto his lap stroking my back gently.
Oh thank God he believed me. I felt myself relaxing, I was actually the happiest I had ever been since he left me six years ago. Just to have him know and believe me, he didn't doubt me for a second. "Why didn't you tell anyone?" he asked frowning, I laughed humourlessly.
"I did, they didn't believe me" I said shrugging. I wouldn't cry over them not believing me anymore, I accepted a long time ago what my parents thought of me, I wouldn't waste anymore time on thinking about it.
"Who?" he whispered, he looked at me for a few seconds before his mouth dropped open in shock.
"Your parents? You told your parents and they thought you were lying? The row in the car park where they thought the baby was mine, holy shit Lia, fucking worthless piece of shit parents" he growled getting angry again, his whole body getting tense and stiff. I didn't know what to say so I just stayed silent, I couldn't defend them they didn't deserve it. For six years they let this go on, if they'd just believed me I wouldn't have been going through this all this time.
A couple of minutes later he started relaxing slightly. "So when did it stop?" he asked quietly, I closed my eyes, I didn't want to talk about this anymore, I didn't want him to know details, I didn't want him to know I was a piece of trash.
"Please can we not talk about this anymore? "I asked burying my face in the side of his neck breathing in his smell.
"Lia, please, I need to know, when did it stop?" he asked, I sighed.
"It didn't, I just try to stay away from him, I don't stay at the house when he's there, I try not to let him be alone with me" I said. I could hear him swearing under his breath so I just let him calm down for a couple of minutes, just enjoying his closeness.
"It still happens? Is this why you stay at Johnny's on set days? Ben works shifts right?" he asked his tone flat and controlled. It was taking a lot of effort for him to be this calm and not go round there and kill him I could tell. I nodded not wanting to speak anymore.
"This is why you put up with Johnny's shit, because you don't want to have to go home" he said matter of factly. God he saw everything so clearly so fast. I nodded again. He pulled back and looked at me, "You don't have to stay here Lia, this isn't your only option anymore, come stay with me" he said looking at me hopefully.
Oh God I would love to do that, but I can't do that to Johnny. He loved me so much and I wanted to make him happy. I owed him so much and he didn't even know it, he kept me sane for the last four years and let me stay here no questions asked. He even waited a full two years before I would have sex with him and he never once complained, just waited patiently until I was ready. I couldn't hurt him.
"Johnny and I are engaged" I said shaking my head.
"You don't have to do this Lia, not if you don't want to" he said pleadingly.
"Ethan please stop" I said quietly, I couldn't talk about this, not to him, he wouldn't understand that I owed him. Johnny was there for me when Ethan wasn't even though he didn't even know it.
He kissed me on the forehead and laid us down on the sofa side by side while he stroked my back.
He was so handsome, his blue eyes locked onto mine making me feel slightly weightless. I buried my face in the crook of his neck and just let him hold me, just like he used to. I closed my eyes and pretended that I was thirteen years old, and that he'd snuck into my room to hold me all night. I pretended that I never even had a brother and that Ethan loved me.
"This is all my fault" he said suddenly. I gasped, what the hell? I pulled back to look at him, he looked so sad, his eyes were glazed over, he looked like he was trying hard not to cry which broke my heart. Ethan never cried, he was always so strong.
"This isn't your fault, what the hell are you talking about?" I asked confused.
"If I hadn't left, he wouldn't have started again, I shouldn't have left, I cut you out like that and you had no one, this is my fault, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you" he said burying his face in my hair.
"Ethan, this wasn't your fault! Are you crazy? He would have found some way even if you were still there, none of this is your fault" I said sternly. God how the hell could he try and take something like this on to himself?
"I shouldn't have left you like that, I didn't even reply to your letters, you should have told me, I would have come back for you" he whispered breaking my heart at the sad tone of his voice.
"I couldn't tell you, you wouldn't talk to me, you ignored me" I said shaking my head.
"Lia, I read every single one of your letters and e-mails, you could have told me, I would have helped you" he said smoothing my hair away from my face.
"You read my letters?" I asked, silent tears falling down my face. I never thought he even opened them, just threw them away or something. I never wrote anything in there about Ben, only nice stuff about how I was getting on at school and how much I loved and missed him.
"I read every single one Lia, they were the best part of my day. I read and re-read them over and over, I never stopped loving you" he said looking me right in the eyes making my heart stop beating.
"You never stopped?" I whispered, does that mean he still loves me now?
"I never stopped" he said. I closed my eyes, those were the sweetest words I had ever heard in my life, I had dreamt of those words so many times. I pressed my forehead to his, I could feel his breath blowing across my mouth and down my neck making me tingle with desire.
"I never stopped loving you either Ethan" I said honestly.
Chapter 12
Ethan
She never stopped loving me either? Does that mean she still wants to be with me and forgives me?
I looked into her beautiful blue eyes, she looked so vulnerable and fragile, I just wanted to protect her and keep her safe. I pulled her closer to me tangling my fingers into her hair, she moved her head and pressed her face into the side of my neck. She wrapped her arms around me gripping the back of my shirt tightly, so tight it was almost as if she thought that if she let go I would leave. She didn't need to worry about that, I'd never leave her again. Ever.
I can't believe I let this happen. This was all my fault. If only I hadn't left her then none of this would have happened, she said he stopped because he was scared of me. If I hadn't cut her out of my life like that he wouldn't have started again. I left her on her own, she had no one, and I would never forgive myself for that as long as I lived.
I could feel the anger building up again and I fought hard to push it back down. She didn't want me to go there tonight so I needed to stay calm and be there for her, she'd been through so much already that I couldn't make this worse for her. She needed me to stay and hold her then that's what I'd do.
I'd deal with Ben later. He was right to have been sc
ared of me when we were kids, I would have kicked his ass to hell and back, but damn he really should be terrified of me now. I was a trained to kill, I knew exactly how long I could torture someone for before they would go into cardiac arrest. I knew exactly how much pain I could inflict on someone before they passed out from shock. I would use every single thing I'd been trained to make that fuckers last few minutes on earth as painful as possible.
I don't know how long I held her for but her breathing slowly started to get deeper and heavier, the death grip that she had on my shirt was loose now. I pulled back slightly and lifted my head to see that she was asleep. She looked so peaceful, I'm surprised that after what she's been through for the last six years that she can even have a peaceful nights sleep.
I was conscious that we hadn't spoken since we both said how we felt, but we didn't need to rush anything. She needed to see for herself that I wasn't going anywhere, I needed to earn her trust again. I wasn't expecting her to just welcome me back with open arms after everything that she's been through, everything that I put her through. I loved this girl with all of my heart and I'd wait for her forever. I don't think she would want to leave Johnny, I knew she loved him and didn't want to hurt him. It would only be a matter of time before that drugged up asshole would screw it up and I would be there for her when he did. I'd always be there for her, I just needed to earn her trust again.
I eased her out of my arms and climbed off of the couch pulling out my phone. I dialled Max, Johnny's night guard. I didn't want Johnny coming home while I was wrapped around her, I have a feeling that the possessive jealous asshole would go crazy. Max answered almost immediately.
"Hey Ethan, what's up bud? It's after one" he said sounding confused.
"Hey yeah I know, listen where's Johnny now? He coming home anytime soon?" I asked praying he would say no so I could spend some more time with Lia.
"I don't think so, just seen him do another line of coke, he's currently spaced out in the back of a club" Max replied.