They talked the whole next day and the day after that and the day after that, for six days, until Tansy had to return to Biddle Castle.
While he saddled Bhogs, he tried to say how much it had meant to him to talk to her, but he couldn’t find the words. He mounted Bhogs and looked down at Parsley. “Thank you, and farewell.” He rode off, turning to wave until he could no longer distinguish her from the grass.
Twelve
Tansy heard barking as soon as he crossed the Royal Drawbridge. In the throne room puppies were chewing on the Royal Drapes, making messes on the Royal Rug, leaping at Royal Chair Legs and Royal Table Legs and the Royal Legs of Randolph and Rudolph. King Humphrey IV was standing on his throne, lifting his new Royal Ceremonial Robe out of reach.
None of the puppies was small enough to fit in a walnut shell.
“I had a smaller dog somewhere, Father,” Randolph said.
“I had a smaller dog too,” Rudolph said.
“Remove these puppies,” King Humphrey IV roared.
Royal Servants shooed the dogs from the room. King Humphrey IV descended and sat on his throne.
Tansy knelt down. “I have a dog too.” He took out the coconut. Using his hunting knife, he cracked it carefully and found a walnut shell inside. He began to smile as he cracked the walnut shell—and found a peanut shell. That Parsley! Grinning broadly, he cracked the peanut shell and found a pistachio shell, and inside the pistachio shell was Tefaw. The dog pranced around on Tansy’s hand and barked an astonishingly deep bark for such a tiny creature.
“I HAVE A DOG TOO.”
“There it is,” Randolph said. “There’s my dog.”
“There’s my dog,” Rudolph said.
Together they said, “Tansy stole it.”
“I did not steal it!” Tansy yelled. “I got it my—”
“Did too steal it,” Randolph hollered.
“Did too steal it,” Rudolph screamed.
King Humphrey IV was puzzled. The twins had never lied before. But Tansy did look truthful, and they hadn’t said a word about a coconut.
There was only one thing to do. “We will have a final contest. The son who brings home the most beautiful bride will be our heir.” The twins would hardly be able to say they’d misplaced a maiden.
Parsley was angrier than she’d ever been before. Tansy won, she thought, fuming. Fair and square.
Bombina wondered why Parsley looked so angry. The fairy watched and waited.
Randolph and Rudolph didn’t try to follow Tansy this time. Their carriages turned onto the Royal Road and sped on.
Tansy kicked Bhogs into a gallop. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to pick a bride just because she was pretty.
Bhogs streaked through Harglepool.
The kindest queen in Biddle history was Queen Lorelei, and her nose had been a bit too big. And although Queen Sonora had been beautiful, she was remembered for her wisdom.
Bhogs dashed through Lower Vudwich.
Besides, no matter how pretty his choice was, his father would probably say Randolph’s or Rudolph’s choice was prettier.
Bhogs flew though Podcoomb-upon-Hare.
And what if he won and had to marry a maiden he didn’t like?
Bhogs tore through Popping Squeak.
He didn’t know what to do. The only thing he knew was that he wanted to discuss it with Parsley.
If only he could find a maiden as smart as she was—as smart and sweet and understanding, with a smile that was even half as heartwarming.
There was her stream. He slid off Bhogs’s back. “Parsley, where are you?”
She was so happy to see him. She put all her happiness into her smile.
As soon as Tansy saw the smile, he knew. He couldn’t marry anyone but Parsley, even if she was a toad. He had to marry his love, if she’d have him.
He dropped to his knees. “Parsley, will you marry me?”
Bombina whooped and yelled, “He did it! My precious Parsley! I love that prince!”
For a moment Parsley just blinked up at Tansy. Her smile froze. Wind rushed by her ears. She’d felt this wind before. What???
Oh no oh no. Her skin was expanding. She was pulsing all over, her insides, her head. Boom! Boom! It hurt! And her blood was rushing, swooshing, flooding.
Tansy’s dear face, coming closer, looking frightened. And now she was above his head, rising higher. Oh oh oh!
It was over.
Parsley panted, her hand pressed to her chest.
Her hand! She had a hand?
She looked down at herself. She was human again!
It’s the maiden from the fairy’s palace, Tansy thought, the one with green teeth.
Tansy saved me! Parsley thought. She smiled down at him. “Of course I’ll marry you, if you still want me.”
“I do!” He could see his beloved toad in her smile and in her eyes.
She said, “Do you like parsley?”
Thirteen
Randolph and Rudolph each decided that it didn’t matter who they thought was the most beautiful maiden. It only mattered what their father thought.
On the outskirts of Ooth Randolph saw a pretty maiden picking roses in her garden. He stopped his carriage and got out.
Rudolph got out of his carriage.
“I say,” Randolph said, “will you marry me if my father the king chooses me to be his heir and chooses you as the most beautiful bride?”
Rudolph said, “Will you marry me if the king chooses me to be his heir and chooses you as the most beautiful bride?”
“I asked her first,” Randolph yelled.
“I asked her second,” Rudolph shouted.
The maiden giggled. She pointed to each of them in turn and said:
“Which son?
Either one.
Pink, gold, blue.
I choose you!”
She pointed at Randolph.
He smirked at Rudolph and climbed back into his carriage. The maiden climbed in after him. The carriages rolled on.
Whenever Randolph and Rudolph passed a pretty maiden, they stopped their carriages and each asked her to marry him if King Humphrey IV chose him as heir and chose her as most beautiful.
Some maidens picked Randolph. Some picked Rudolph. Some refused them both and said:
“Which son?
Neither one.
Pink, gold, gray.
I say nay!”
By the time they reached Moowich, each twin had ten carriages full of maidens.
Tansy and Parsley and Bhogs ambled down the Biddle Byway. At the end of the week they reached Biddle Castle. As soon as she saw it, Parsley felt nervous. She wanted to win the throne for Tansy, but she didn’t think she was pretty enough.
In the throne room Randolph’s maidens were milling about on the right side of the room, and Rudolph’s were milling about on the left. There were scores of them. King Humphrey IV was glad to see so many winsome wenches, but what kind of kings would the twins be if they couldn’t make up their minds about which maiden to marry?
Tansy entered holding Parsley’s hand. He led her to the throne, and they both knelt down.
“Father, this is Parsley, the most beautiful maiden in Biddle, the maiden I wish to marry.”
“Let us look at you, lass.”
Parsley blushed and smiled at King Humphrey IV.
“She’s hideous!” Randolph screamed. “Look at her teeth.”
“Look at her teeth!” Rudolph shrieked. “She’s horrendous!”
No one saw Bombina materialize behind Rudolph’s maidens. Luckily for the twins, she didn’t hear what they’d just said.
King Humphrey IV noticed the color of the damsel’s teeth, but he paid more attention to the loveliness of her smile. With such a smile her teeth could be sprouting fur and he wouldn’t mind.
“Sire!” Randolph hissed. “Think of your ripped Royal Robe.”
“Sire!” Rudolph hissed. “Think of your broken scepter.”
King Hu
mphrey IV frowned. He looked over at Randolph’s lasses and beckoned to one of them. He beckoned to a beauty of Rudolph’s too. They approached, and each of them was at least as pretty as Parsley.
“Oh no you don’t!” Bombina belowed. She marched to the throne. She wouldn’t turn the king into a toad, but she’d turn him into something.
A fairy! King Humphrey IV trembled. He stood and bowed. Randolph and Rudolph trembled. They bowed too.
Tansy gasped. She was the one who’d turned Parsley into a toad! Well, she wasn’t going to do it again. He drew his sword.
Parsley ran into Bombina’s arms. “I missed you!” She smiled up at the fairy.
Tansy sheathed his sword.
Bombina felt dizzy. Her Parsley was smiling at her again. She began to weep happy tears. “Oh my dear!”
King Humphrey IV thought, The damsel is dear to a fairy? A fairy’s friend would make a fine future queen. He cleared his throat. “Tansy shall be our heir.”
Tansy could hardly believe it. He was going to be king, and he was going to marry his love. He felt overjoyed, overjoyed in a solemn way. He’d be a fair and kind king, and he’d make sure his subjects always had enough bathwater and mittens and—
Randolph screeched, “But I have to be king!”
Rudolph screeched, “But I have to be king!”
Randolph yelled, “Tansy broke the scepter and he tore—”
Parsley said, “He did not! You both did it and blamed him.”
“They did?” King Humphrey IV looked at the twins. Could this be true? The fairy would know. “Did they?”
Tansy held his breath.
Bombina stared at each twin in turn and used her fairy powers to find out. She nodded. “They did.” She felt a thrill. Randolph and Rudolph would make superb toads. She stared at Randolph.
“No!” Parsley yelled.
Bombina stopped staring. “No?”
Parsley considered. Randolph and Rudolph deserved to be toads if anyone did. But Princess Alyssatissaprincissa might propose to one of them, and then he would be a prince all over again. She had an idea. She whispered it to Bombina, who nodded.
The fairy flapped her wings twice, and howled weejoon zowowow ay yay ay.
Epilogue
Randolph and Rudolph spun around faster and faster, so fast that they created a tornado in the throne room, and all the pretty maidens wept and whimpered.
At last the twins stopped spinning, and two goatherds stood glaring at each other. Bombina hiccuped twice, and they vanished, one appearing in a meadow just north of Princess Alyssatissaprincissa and the other appearing in a meadow just east of Princess Alyssatissaprincissa.
Parsley and Tansy were married the next day. King Humphrey IV conducted the ceremony, and Bombina gave away the bride. Zeke and Nelly were there, along with Parsley’s younger brother, Pepper.
Eventually Randolph married Princess Alyssatissaprincissa, and Rudolph married the princess’s sister, Countess Marianabanessacontessa, who was also a goatherd. Having their own separate herds of goats pleased the twins, and they came to like each other.
Bombina never turned anyone into a toad again, but she performed thousands of other magic tricks for Tansy and Parsley’s children, who all inherited their mother’s captivating smile.
Tansy was a wonderful king. He put his subjects first, and he rode a tall horse so they were always able to find him. His subjects loved having their own souvenirs in the Royal Museum of Quest Souvenirs, and his subjects’ chickens loved the coops the Royal Army built for them.
Bombina’s cook taught Parsley’s favorite parsley recipes to the Royal Cook, and the Royal Cook invented a few of her own. Parsley’s smile grew greener and greener, and she never ate another insect.
And they all, monarchs and subjects and goatherds and fairies, lived happily ever after.
Love to Betsy and Ben and Amy and Sean and their animal pals.
—G.C.L.
One
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Biddle a baker’s son and a princess fell in love. This is how it came about—
Robin, the baker’s son, rode to Biddle Castle in the back of the bakery cart. His older brothers, Nat and Matt, sat on the driver’s bench with their father, Jake, who was a poet as well as a baker.
Robin began a joke. “What’s a dwarf’s—”
“Son,” Jake said,
“A joker is a fool,
Who never went to a place of learning.”
Nat said, “Jokers are dottydaftish.” He had a knack for inventing words.
Matt said, “Jokes are dumdopety.” He had a knack for inventing words too.
Robin hated being thought stupid. “Jokes aren’t dumb or dopey, and I’m not dotty or daft. If you’d ever listen to a whole joke, you’d see.” If they did, they’d realize that jokers were just as smart as poets and word inventors.
Jake just shook his head. Robin was the first moron in family history. Not only did he make up jokes, he also gave things away. Why only a week ago, on the lad’s eleventh birthday to be exact, Robin had given a roll to a beggar. For free!
Generosity was against family policy. Jake had told his sons repeatedly never to give anyone something for nothing. He had learned this from his own father, a genius who could make up three poems at once.
The bakery cart rumbled across the Biddle Castle drawbridge. At the door to the Royal Kitchen, Jake reined in their nag, Horsteed, who had been named by Nat.
When all the bread had been carried into the kitchen, Jake began to chat with the Royal Chief Cook. As Jake often said,
“A nice customer chat
Puts a coin in your bonnet.”
Nat chatted with the Royal First Assistant Cook, and Matt chatted with the Royal Second Assistant Cook.
Robin began to tell his dwarf joke to the Royal Third Assistant Cook, but the Royal Third Assistant Cook interrupted with his recipe for pickled goose feet with jellied turnips.
Robin disliked jellied anything, so after he’d heard the recipe three times, he said, “How interesting. Please excuse me.” He slipped out the Royal Kitchen Door and into the Royal Garden, where commoners weren’t allowed.
But he didn’t know that.
Two
Dame Cloris, the Royal Governess, sat primly upright on a bench in a small meadow in the garden. Her lace cap had slipped over her face, and it fluttered as she breathed. She was fast asleep.
Princess Lark sat on the grass nearby, her favorite ball a few feet away. She wished she had someone to play with.
Yesterday had been her eleventh birthday, and her birthday party had been awful, just like every other party she’d ever had. The guests had been children of the castle nobility, and the party had begun with a game of hide-and-seek. Lark had taken the first turn as It. While she counted, she wished with all her might that this time her guests would really play with her.
But when she opened her eyes, she saw that no one had hidden. Oh, they were pretending to hide. Aldrich, the Earl of Pildenue’s son, was standing next to a tree, with one foot concealed behind it. And his sister, Cornelia, had stationed herself behind a bush that only came up to her waist.
The children wouldn’t hide because they were afraid Lark would fail to find them. And not one of them dared to let a princess fail at anything.
She had told them she wouldn’t mind. She had also said she wouldn’t mind being It forever. But it didn’t matter what she said.
The next activity, baseball, was even worse. When Lark was at bat, if she hit the ball at all—a yard, a foot, half an inch—no one tried to catch it. They thought it would be disrespectful to make a princess out, so Lark had to dash around the bases for a home run she hadn’t earned.
When the other team was at bat, they tried not to hit the ball, because it would never do for their team to beat Lark’s.
Lark declared the game over after one inning and declared the party over too. She ate her birthday cake alone—the single bite she was able to get down before she
ran to her room, sobbing.
And now here she was, in the garden with her ball and a sleeping governess. She watched idly as Robin approached. She noticed that his jerkin was plain brown, without even the tiniest jewel. How unusual. And there was a hole in his breeches.
She sat up straight. His feet were bare. He was a commoner!
Lark had never spoken to a commoner. Maybe he’d be different.
Robin had no idea who the old lady and the lass were. He only knew the lass looked sad. Maybe a joke would cheer her up, if she’d let him tell it.
“Hello,” he said. “What’s a dwarf’s . . .” She wasn’t interrupting. He began to feel nervous. “. . . favorite food?”
She smiled up at him. He hadn’t bowed, which was wonderful. But she had no idea what the answer was. The king of the dwarfs had visited Biddle last year, but she couldn’t remember what he’d eaten. “Potatoes?”
Robin’s heart started to pound. She was going to listen to the punch line! “No. Strawberry shortcake.” He waited.
“Why straw—” Then she knew. She started laughing. A dwarf! Strawberry shortcake!
Robin laughed too, for sheer delight. She liked the joke! He sat down next to her and tried another one. “Which rank of nobility is best at math?”
Was this another joke? “The earl?”
“No. He’s earl-y and catches the worm.”
She pictured Aldrich’s father grubbing for worms. That was so funny.
Robin thought she had the best laugh, gurgly and tinkly. “It’s the count.”
Numbers! A count! She laughed harder.
Robin thought, She has a superb sense of humor.
Dame Cloris, the governess, snored, a long rattle followed by two snorts. Robin and Lark giggled.
“Why is a king like a yardstick?”
Lark tried to guess. Her father didn’t look anything like a yardstick, not with his bad posture. She gave up and shrugged.
“They’re both rulers.”
She laughed. Rulers! The king would love it. “I can’t wait to tell Father.”
Robin frowned. “You’re lucky. My father hates jokes. Is your father a Royal Servant?”