Once, with a smile and a wink, Z told me he is going to love me so thoroughly, I'll believe I'm good enough to do anything, motherhood included. But for now, we're okay with where we are together.
And because we don’t know what exactly went wrong with Thomas and the pregnancy yet, the thought of another hypothetical child in the future still scares me to death.
There are theories, and explanations given, but we’re waiting for one final chromosome test to give us our final answer. Again, we aren’t sure what happened but Z’s theory helps me through the wait. Most days I’m convinced there was just too much emotional upheaval for me, and sadly Thomas suffered the most.
I don’t know why it happened so I really need to know what happened. I think I just need to understand what happened, so I can be one hundred percent sure I didn’t do anything wrong to cause Thomas’ death. I need to be sure, before I finally let go of my guilt and fear.
And finally, Z and I decided to move back to New York as soon as possible, so we've been apartment hunting together. Together, we're going to find a home that suits us. Together we’re going to find the home that fits us, so we can live this complete new start that is our relationship now. After all the sadness and loss and missed opportunities we've experienced in our past, we want to find a home that is for just us.
God, I'm happy, and though admittedly I still get nervous about this happiness, I try to breathe through my fear of it every day. I talk to Z and I tell him the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful like he asked me to. I actually talk to him so there are no more surprises, or pieces to pick up after the fact. We talk to each other and we try to hear what is and what isn't being said when we listen. And I'm happy with this give and take. I'm very happy here with Z.
So, Z and I are together fully, and we have done everything together... except IT. And quite frankly I may lose my mind (again) if we don't.
We kiss heavily, and we even touch a little, but Christ! We haven't even come close to sex, and honestly, I'm dying here.
If I didn't know he loved me, and if I didn't see the huge ‘evidence’ of him wanting me when we snuggle up on the couch or lay together in bed, I may have freaked out by now. But I have seen it and I do know it. So what the hell is the problem?
Anyway, tonight is THE night. This is it. I'm protected again from pregnancy, and nothing should go wrong, well, in theory anyway. Tonight we ARE having sex.
But Z won't approach me for sex, so I have to approach him which is probably his very sweet, albeit, frustrating as hell way of making me tell him what I want and when I'm ready. How very thoughtful and loving and kind of him. He's waiting for me to be ready. He's waiting for me to be sure. He's so sweet. The jerk!
CHAPTER 39
Okay. I'm post-bath, shaved, smoothed, scented and groomed. I'm wearing a beautiful silk and lace floor-length gown in black, naturally. My hair is down and my make-up is light. I feel pretty, well, pretty with facial scars and a warped leg, but whatever. Argh...
Z doesn't seem to care about all my physical imperfections, so I've decided not to care about my physical ugliness tonight either.
Sitting on my bed waiting for Z, I find myself remembering our past. I remember how amazing he was to me. I remember how amazing the sex was between us. I remember everything he did and said to me, and I yearn for that intimacy between us again.
There is no one in this world I could want more, and there is no one in the world who could reach me so intimately and thoroughly as to wipe out my past sexual nightmares, because Z is it for me.
I know he'll be here any second but the wait is killing me. I'm not even anxious about this, rather kind of nervously excited.
I want this. I want to have sex with Z. I want to make love with the most amazing man (tied only to Mack) that I've ever known. I want this between us again because the memories, though lovely, are slowly fading in intensity. The memories are no longer enough to get me through the physical cravings I have for Z all day, every day.
Hurry the hell up!
When I hear him enter my apartment I'm practically bouncing on my bed. I even did the cheesy candle thing all over my apartment, leading him to me in my bedroom.
What the hell is he doing? Crawling? Oh my god... It’s been forever since he opened the front door and I can't take the wait anymore.
“Z?” I call out anxiously.
When the door slowly opens, I exhale any nervous tension I felt. God, he's just so handsome and beautiful to me. It’s still really unnerving at times how handsome he is, but tonight isn't about my insecurity or neurosis. Tonight is about hot and heavy sex with Z. Ooops. Nervous giggle.
“You look gorgeous, Suzanne,” he says somewhat guarded.
“Thank you,” I grin.
“Are you sure about this, Suzanne? I'm in NO rush.”
“Well, I AM!” Wow. What a tramp. Ha!
“What do you want?” He seems to breathe into me.
“You,” I blush.
Shaking his head he says, “Say the words Suzanne so I know what you want. I need the words, love, so I know you're with me.”
“Um, I want to be with you. I want to have sex with you.”
“Make love-”
“Yes, fine, make love. Z, I want you, okay? I'm ready, and I'm good. I'm really good.”
“Last time, Suzanne... Are you sure?” He practically growls.
“Yesss...” I purr back.
Jumping, Z crosses the room to me so quickly I barely saw him move. Bending low and tackling me with a kiss, I'm pulled upwards by my arms until I'm standing in front of him.
Kissing me so hard my lips burn, I moan into his mouth. Jesus Christ! THIS is what I want.
“It's about goddamn time, Suzanne. I’ve been dying to touch you,” he moans into my mouth.
“Then why didn't you?”
“You didn't tell me you were ready. Remember the rule? You tell me all things us, and until you do I'm not making any assumptions with you.”
“How could you not see I wanted you?”
“I did see, but you didn't talk to me about it, so I couldn't proceed.”
Placing my hands on his chest, I think I have to take the lead with this. Z still seems a little nervous or tentative with me. He seems unsure of this with me, so I'm going to have to take the lead. And I'm good with that until he's sure I'm sure.
Unbuttoning Z's shirt while tugging it from his slacks he stands so still, I'm anxious to undress him quickly. Unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants, I wrap my arms around his waist and push them down to the floor.
Bending, I remove his socks when he raises each foot. Staring at his nearly naked body between us, he is just so dark and beautiful to me. Our contrast of pale and dark is stunning against one another.
When I tug down his boxers, his erection falls from his belly to stand straight out at me. Yup, it’s still huge. Gulp.
“Well... hello there, Z. Miss me?” I ask with a stupid grin. What a loser I am, honestly.
Bursting out laughing, Z pulls me in for another kiss. “I've missed you horribly, Suzanne. And it's been so long since I did this I'm sure to go off quickly, but at least round two should be a worthwhile performance,” he grins.
“Really...?”
“Of course. You know you were my last, Suzanne. And if you didn't know that, you're a moron.”
Yes! God, I had hoped he hadn't slept with other women after me, but I never knew for sure.
Grinning, I tease, “Such sexy bedroom talk, Z. Is calling the girl a moron your usual way of seduction?”
“Nope. You get my really sexy lines. Are they working?”
By way of answer, I take him into my hand and begin a slow easy glide back and forth. When I touch and fondle him like I remember he likes, his sounds against my mouth are exactly what I like to remember.
When Z begins reaching for my breasts I push myself even closer to him. God, I want him to touch me anywhere. Everywhere. I have NEVER needed him as badly as I do rig
ht now.
“Please...” I beg against his lips.
Kissing me again, Z's hands start inching up my gown against my thighs. Lifting the dress, he pulls away from our kiss quickly to undress me.
Once I'm naked as well, Z kisses me again so slowly, teasing me with little nips on my lips and the wet glide of his tongue. But I don't want the slowness of his kiss. I need more. So throwing my arms around his neck I pull him closer to me, forcing the harder kiss I crave.
Moving me backward with a hand against my spine, Z lowers me to the bed while lifting me further into the middle of it. Following me on his knees, Z moves up my body until he's kissing my lips while settling in between my legs.
God, I’ve missed him. I’ve missed this. I've missed this thing only Z can give me- sex and love without brutality or fear.
“If I start to cry, it's not because I'm weirded-out, Z. It's because I'm happy, okay?”
“Okay,” he smiles down at me with a nod. Huh. Talking isn't so bad. “What do you want, Suzanne? Tell me.” Okay, well this talking is bad. Shit.
“Um… everything. All of it. The things you do with me that make me forget everything but us. The things you do to me that are everything I need from you.”
“Okay,” he whispers with a kiss.
And moving slowly, Z begins touching my breast as he kisses down my neck to the top of my chest. Moving down my body he finally takes my nipple into his mouth as his hand fondles me.
Sucking my nipple hard, I jump and moan. God, this feels good. Turning to my other nipple, Z's hand moves, tugging my nipple while sucking the other in deep. Moving against him, I find my legs widening further and my mind and body anxious for more.
When he moves lower, I dread him near my gross jiggly post-baby belly, but then he extends his tongue and licks me along the scar line, kissing me gently in the center of the scar. I don't actually feel his kiss but it's such a beautiful acknowledgement of what we both know happened to cause it, I'm suddenly okay with my newest scar.
Moving lower still, kissing down my torso, past my hips, past... Argh... where I wish he would stop, Z moves to my nasty left leg and kisses me slowly.
With a kind of reverence, his eyes are closed and he seems to be feeling all the damage on my leg but without any repulsion on his face. It's such a loving gesture from Z, I find myself exhaling any embarrassment and insecurity.
Lifting my leg behind my knee, he begins kissing up the inside of my thigh slowly. Oh, god! Here we go. This is what I'm dying for. This is what I want from ONLY Z.
“Please...” I moan as my hands clench the sheets.
Instantly my body jumps and my hips buck against his mouth when he takes me. Oh god...
When he places my left leg over his shoulder and palms my right thigh wider, I'm engulfed in the pleasure. Writhing, I can't even control my body. My body reacts all on its own as my mind blanks.
I hear myself moaning and I even hear myself begging. But I don't care and I can't stop. My body is taking what it needs from Z.
After forever, when everything inside me changes to that tight, hard, suspended feeling, I look down my body at Z and- Oh my GOD...
Looking up from what he's doing to me with his mouth and fingers still working me, everything between us pauses in a rush.
Z's eyes are open and intense, surrounded by eyelashes so dark and long just staring at my eyes. And suddenly this becomes the sexiest, most beautiful moment I've ever had in my life.
With my pale legs against his dark skin, and his beautiful dark eyes watching me, I exhale and give into the pleasure he’s given me.
As my body arches and contorts, Z holds my thighs tightly against him as he continues to stare in my eyes while I scream out for him. Unable to break away, I feel Z's tongue still working me in my madness. Gasping and reaching for him, I scream again as the intensity becomes too much.
Stopping with his mouth still against me, we stare at each other in silence.
This is the greatest moment of intimacy I have ever known in my life. There is nothing between us in this moment. There is no past and no pain. There are no absences, nor moments taken. There is no embarrassment or fear. There is no one here but us. This is by far the greatest moment of my life.
So naturally, I start crying.
Crawling up my body with sweet kisses and little nips on my skin Z continues advancing until he takes my lips once again. And even as I taste myself on him, I don't care. I need his kiss so badly, I'm pulling and tugging him, wrapping my legs tightly around him while trying to consume him into me. I need him, forever. I need this beautiful tenderness and stunning affection with him, always.
When everything just stops I look up at Z. Holding my face in both his hands he is so silent and still. Looking at his eyes, I am reminded of the time when I didn't think I could ever have this again. Staring at his eyes I realize he is everything to me in every moment.
“I love you, Z,” I whisper. “This is the Suzanne I want to be. This is who I want to be with you. THIS is me...”
With his eyes shining, he nods and kisses me slowly once again. So slow and thoroughly, Z kisses our past from us. It really is amazing how a good, deep kiss can make you forget... everything.
Resting his forearms on the bed on both sides of my body, we don't speak. Kissing, we begin the familiar move and retreat, back and forth motion as he slowly enters me.
When finally he enters me fully, we again seem to exhale into each other mouths. He may be large, and I may be damaged, but our bodies fit together beautifully. We fit together beautifully.
Moving, we take our time and enjoy the slow intimacy without pain or reservation. We move slow and deep, calm and intense. Together we each give and take in turn. Together we come back to each other through movement and love.
And I can see it.
This life we share is real and tangible. It fills the room with love but it makes no demands and it takes no effort. This love is open and free from all the struggle it took to get here. It doesn't hurt me and it doesn't intimidate me anymore. It's amazing to me in this place between us that we ever found our way to this moment together.
After forever, Z moves backward to a kneeling position and lifts my body onto his thighs. Remembering the past, I smile as I see his eyes look between our bodies again. Staring, Z looks mesmerised by my body taking his into my own.
Z’s body is incredible in this moment. Seeing his stomach move and flex in rhythm with his thighs is simply amazing to watch. There is nothing damaged about him. His body is gorgeous, and his intensity shows all over his face as he alternates between staring at my eyes and at where our bodies join.
Pulling me harder against him, I close my eyes and finally feel everything he can give me.
After endless moments of my building pleasure, Z seems to beg, “I'm going to come, Suzanne. I'm sorry...”
Teasing him, I open my eyes and smile. “Go ahead, Z. You said round 2 would be a worthwhile performance anyway, so I'm waiting for it,” I grin.
Laughing, Z leans over my body and kisses me again, pinching my butt underneath me, as he slowly slides his hand between us and does that touch-thing to me again.
Instantly, I gasp and move desperately. My body starts moving on its own again, grinding against his hand while my fingers claw at the sheets. Pushing up against his body, I seem to find a desperate, pounding rhythm against him. Panting, I feel like I'm losing my mind. But in a good way. The best way.
“Z...?”
“Come on, love. You're killing me,” he groans against my mouth again. Ummmm...
And here it is. Ahhh… I'm gonna lose it. When my body locks down tight, I know I'm almost there. Come ON! Ahhh…
With a final touch- that amazing thing he does to me- it's over. My body releases on a gasp as my brain shuts down. Moving desperately, I seem to spasm in his arms. Moving desperately, everything snaps tight around him inside me.
My body is weak, my heart is pounding, my throat is raw, but I'm so un
believably happy I care about nothing but us in the moment.
Watching Z release inside me is still beautiful. I remembered it was, but the memories are never as stunning as the reality. With his eyes open, he stares at me as he releases everything he can inside me. Closing my eyes, I feel him moving fully inside me. His is inside me, completely.
Holding me close, I open my eyes again to Z staring down at me. Kissing my swollen lips softly, he exhales into my mouth as I breathe him in. And lifting my limp arms around his back, I pull him on top of me heavily. I want his weight on me. I want his body to surround me.
Exhaling, he asks, “Ready for round 2 to really blow your mind?” As he grins his 'I'm the man' smile.
Giggling, “Not a chance, Z. I know I'm going to need more Physio after that particular performance, and lots of rest and recovery.”
“Fine... But when you wake up I'm going to show you what I can really do,” he smirks.
“Okay...” I mumble in my near-unconsciousness with a kiss. Sighing my happiness into him, I’m going to remember this moment for eternity.
Feeling Z slide out of my body, he moves to my side and turns me into his chest. I know I'm sweaty and gross and I even smell like sex, but I don't care in this moment. I care about nothing but this moment between us.
This is where I want to be. Right here. Satiated and limp from pleasure with Z. Beautiful and whole from love with Z. I'm happy here.
“I love you, Suzanne,” he whispers against my hair.
“I know...” I mumble.
Smiling as he pulls me tighter to him, I kiss his chest and finally exhale our past completely.
CHAPTER 40
APRIL 10
Last month, Z and I finally bought and moved into our new apartment in Manhattan, and I couldn't be happier. New York has been amazing and freeing, and just wonderful again. I'm glad we moved, and I'm glad living in New York makes everything feel easier for me, and for Z.