“I wanted to talk to you before he said anything to you. I don’t hate him anymore—not after what he said about my brother Justin.”
“He was Justin’s best friend.” Erin said. “I don’t think he’s ever forgiven himself that Justin died at Charon and he made it back.”
Erik nodded. “I know. I guess I finally understand a lot of things—ever since Kusao died. And one thing I’ve decided is that I don’t want to waste any more time. Who knows how long we’ll be here, after all? We may never get back to Earth. There’s no point trying to pretend this is just some mission—we have to build our lives here. I told you before that I love you, and now I’m asking if—if you’ll marry me. Dear Erin, would you marry me?” He said with the same old feeling; of course, Erik had been relieved to hear Dr. Koslov insist that Erin wasn’t lacking in any human essentials. And though she may have turned into an alien, Erin was still a lovely woman.
Erin almost said something, but surprise had robbed her of speech.
“Don’t say anything now.” Erik interjected. “Just promise me you’ll think hard before you make a decision. And remember that I’ve always loved you first. I wouldn’t have given you up for anyone.”
“Erik,” Erin said as he made to walk away. Erik stopped and turned around.
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry to say this to you, but I don’t care for you in that way. The truth is that I’ve always loved Scott. My feelings for you are different. And I don’t think we are right for each other.
“I think you love me, but I don’t love you in return. I think that you love the wrong things about me.”
“Erin, don’t try to tell me that I don’t know what I feel just to allay your guilty conscience.” Erik bit out. What was this, another battle in which he had to defend his position? Was fighting all they knew anything about? Was attacking each other all they knew how to do? Why, he wondered, why couldn’t she just accept what he felt and admit that they deserved to be happy?
“At last something you disapprove of!” Erin declared. “This is more like how you treated Nathalie. Oh, I’m sorry I said that—”
Erik stopped as though he’d been slapped.
“She told you? “Nathalie,” Erik sighed, considering.
“She’s never gotten over you, you know.”
“Not Nathalie,” Erik shook his head. “That girl is cold.” He laughed lightly, instantly regretting the insult as he suddenly thought back to the days when he and Nathalie had first competed against each other at the UESRC. Back then, they had helped each other plan how to stay abreast of the competition at the UESRC, before they realized how much they had in common. Why was he remembering that, though? he wondered. What did Nathalie think of him? he couldn’t help but wonder. How much had she really cared? Part of him didn’t want to know, and the other couldn’t help being interested.
I can help you to understand, Erik heard a voice in his mind.
Before he could protest, he felt as though his mind were floating away from his body; he lost all sense of the world around him, his mind wrapped in a fog. When the fog cleared, he was no longer Erik Ross.
* * * * *
What could she tell him? It was too late to say anything now. She had put a brave face on her entire life. Why? It was not merely her nature; she put on a brave face because she refused to believe what anyone said about her. She always had. Her own father had never believed she was good enough, as good as her brother Sean; it didn’t matter how many honors she received, she was never going to amount to anything in her father’s eyes. So she stopped worrying about what he thought. She did as she pleased as a rule; she went to the UESRC to defy his expectations, but it was a hollow victory. Her father never came to visit her there; after a while, she stopped going home.
She thought she was invincible, but she had a habit of breaking off relationships before anyone could become close to her, before she could be hurt. She thought it didn’t matter until she met Erik. She understood him, she knew, better than anyone could. He was a flirt like her, sometimes reckless and more loyal to his friends than to a girlfriend. They were so much alike that she knew that his act was all bullshit.
Unfortunately, that vulnerability beneath his bravado was what conquered her heart. Before her rational mind could prevent her from making the mistake of falling in love with him, she already had. She loved all of his little imperfections.
When their relationship deteriorated, she decided to escape unscathed. She denied what she felt and hardened her heart again, played the role of Nathalie the fearless, but she was fooling herself, and in time, she came to know it. The first time Erik looked at Erin with open admiration, oh how she came to know it. She loved him so much, she knew at last, and if she couldn’t have him, complexities, imperfections and all, she didn’t want anybody.
She remained loyal to Erin throughout it all, because she valued friendship and loyalty above all. How could anyone remain faithful in love if they did not continue to remain loyal to friendships when put to the test?
Suddenly Erik’s consciousness was jolted back to his own body. He blinked, rubbed his sore head, swallowed hard in a throat that had gone bone dry.
“Erin,” Erik croaked. “How long has Nathalie—” He broke off, blinking hard. Nathalie, he thought. Why didn’t you ever say anything to me?
He looked up at Erin, the young woman he had loved and still did, an alien creature whose telepathy had brought Nathalie’s thoughts to him. In those short moments, he had seen more than just a glimpse into Nathalie’s heart. How unfair it was to be made to see the truth! he thought bitterly. He felt as though Erin had lifted a veil from his eyes and was momentarily angry.
Why make me see? He wondered. He had known all along that Erin would never love him like he had wanted her to. He had denied any past feelings for Nathalie. “Erin—” he said, looking at her, for the first time sensing that she knew his thoughts.
“Forgive me, but—I’ve got to find her. I need to tell her I’m sorry. I can’t care for her as I did you, but I do care as a friend.”
“You’ll find her in the second Maroon team lounge,” Erin said, looking away.
Erik nodded, hesitating a moment, regarding her fondly, regarding the soft cascade of blond hair that fell past her shoulders. Once he had dreamed only of holding her, but that creature had been only an illusion.
* * * * *
Scott’s feet crunched over the carpet of alien flowers as he made his way through the Seynorynaelian forest. Erin had been missing for two days while off-duty, somehow having been able to successfully deactivate her personal frequency, but he had a suspicion as to where she might have gone.
When he failed to locate her by calling up her frequency, he was drawn to the Seynorynaelian forest. Even with all of the people that visited it now that open access had been granted, strolling alone, picnicking and relaxing, there was enough room that she could easily lose herself there. Like the other members of the crew, Scott had fallen in love with the place and spent most of his free time walking its paths with his friends or by himself. They had never had anything like it on Earth, where the rural zones had been preserved and only a few small areas had been designated for human access.
Erin was sitting by the river at the far end of the forest when he found her. She turned around at the sound of approaching footsteps. He had grown accustomed to the new coloring of her skin.
It had taken him months to realize that none of the events on Earth since the Discovery’s crashed landing were her fault—not the war, not the deaths of his family. She was as much a victim as he—all of her people were dead, even her own mother was gone.
“I was hoping you would come,” she said, standing and smiling at him before her gaze returned to the river. “I heard about Catherine. Did she—”
“I hurt her, Erin,” Scott admitted. “I only hope she can forgive me.”
“But if she loves you—”
“No, I don’t know.” Scott shook his hea
d. “Of course, Catherine seems sincere. Perhaps she is, but she doesn’t understand love. She loves my appearance and thinks of me as a complement to herself and a man worthy of her great qualities by matching each with equal ability. She thinks of me first as an investment, an investment of her time, and a reward she imagines she deserves for that time and for happily being born with God’s finest gifts to human beings—beauty, intellect, and other qualities, but she’s also incapable of empathy or pity. She respects me, loves my physical appearance, and I do care for her, but I know we don’t love each other, not in the way we ought to and with the depth of feeling which two people should who plan to spend their lives together for better reasons.”
“No, I suppose not. You know what? I think she feels the same about it as you now.”
“You do?”
“She came to see me a few days ago.”
“And what did she say to you?”
“She said—she came to wish me luck.” Erin paused, remembering Catherine’s brave face. Erin had wondered if she would have been as gracious in Catherine’s shoes. “But Scott—” Erin faltered, sensing what was on his mind, what had been on her own mind for some time. “I can’t—in good faith—marry you.”
“You can’t?”
“I can’t have children with you.” She kept her gaze fixed steadily ahead.
Scott laughed inwardly. It was not her face that he cherished most, but her inner strength, her resolution. And that despite her abilities, she still refused to see so many things. “I don’t care about any of that, Erin.” He shook his head. “I love you.”
“You haven’t changed.” She turned around, laughing. “So many of the others have—they act so polite around me. Some are afraid of me, or feel threatened by what I can do. But not you—”
“The Blue Stripes will never change.” Scott reflected. “They know you and have done for years. Like your family, they’ll always look out for you.” He smiled. “Even Erik. No more talk.”
Scott moved closer to Erin and helped her stand, then reached his hands around her waist. The corners of his mouth turned upward into a slight smile. He regarded her several long moments. Before Erin could stir out of his unexpected embrace, he leaned closer and kissed her.
Released from the burden of his conscience, he allowed himself to do what he had always wanted, what he had often fantasized about. He kissed her on her lips, softly at first, then more passionately, drawing in the scent of her skin, feeling her warm body in his arms, the curve of her back, the softness of her hair.
As they pulled away, he gazed at her unreservedly with quick bright eyes that had begun to imagine future happiness for the first time. Always solitary, always driven, every joy in his heart had been tempered by the losses he was forced to accept at a young age, by his duty to the Earth to carry on, for the memories of his loved ones.
It was a hard reality he had known since he was old enough to remember.
He had no intention of being alone anymore.
“Marry me, Erin.”
“I will,” Erin cried with a laugh he had never heard before. It was a welcome sound to his ears. Overcome by his own excitement, Scott suddenly picked her up and twirled her around in a circle, his soul mate. Setting her down, he embraced her again and for the first time surrendered himself completely to the love he had, taking such pleasure from her soft lips that he vowed never to waste another moment of his life fighting a union that fate itself had moved heaven and earth to bring about.
* * * * *
The wedding day was coming to an end. Everyone had wished them well, and then Scott clasped Erin’s hands, and they ran through the stream of people throwing rice.
They walked together back to their new quarters, unable to keep themselves from laughing. Scott wore a mischievous expression as he sat on the edge of the bed and tugged off his boots. He unbuttoned his shirt, balled it up, and aimed it precisely at the corner, near the sterilization and clothes compartment. His pants didn’t get the same treatment—he dropped them and they rested over his shoes while Erin sat on the sleep panel undoing the ties in her hair.
Then Scott’s arms held hers from behind, turning her around.
He drank in the sight of her, the touch of her, wondering if she knew how much he adored her, how much he needed her. There was nothing more valuable in all the world to him than being with the woman he loved, adored, and respected, who loved, adored, and respected him every bit as much.
Later, while he slept, their arms and legs entwined around each other, she listened to his breath by her neck.
She woke up much later and looked to make sure that he was still there, and he was. But his shiny near-black hair was shot with grey, and he had lost some of its youthful vigor. His smile had not vanished, however, even as he dreamed of something far away from her.
She remembered the young man she had met all of those before in Central City. So determined, but always several years older than her—now Scott seemed far older. Her heart panicked again for a moment at the thought of losing him. Could she lose him, though? For she would always have the memories of him, of days they had spent together; their love was more than a passion, it was also a love of companionship. Their love was like a miracle to them both because of all the things around them, it was the one thing they could believe in, the one thing that never failed as long as they lived. Being around each other was as natural as breathing; even their arguments and mutual independence seemed to draw them closer; they respected one another even as they grew closer. Could it be possible for such a love to exist? she often wondered, thanking heaven that they were living proof that it could and that he thought so, too. But was this only a dream? A dream destined to end far too soon, a dream she would wake from one day when she had to face eternity alone?
Right now she didn’t care; she was just happy to be living it.
Chapter Sixteen
I call to Selerael, but she cannot hear me. I would share my memories, but she cannot reach them. She has accepted what she is, but not who she is. Without you, Alessia, to train her to contact my computerized being, she must remain in the dark, isolated from the knowledge buried deep in her mind by the years in hypersleep on her journey to Kiel3.
Nevertheless it makes me glad to see that she is happy. Her wedding took place on the forest path by the lake that her father Eiron loved so much. Eiron—I often wonder how my own destiny would have been altered had he never come to Selesta, but there is no point in discussing what cannot be changed. What is done cannot be undone.
I have not forgotten our mission, though I confess I cannot think what I should do to achieve it now. Four years have passed since I departed from Kiel3, Earth, and I continue to take my human captives on the explorers’ journey, hoping they might piece together the evidence left by Selerael’s ancestors and prepare the crew for what they must become and what they must do. She will lead them—but when will the journey end? I didn’t find the singularity on Kiel3, how can I destroy the Emperor Marankeil now?
The Earth humanoids continue to discover the wide universe and a little more of the mettle within themselves. Some of the crew that went to the planets Jepu-ra and Vikaris remained behind on those worlds. Lieutenant Nakashima and Minear had grown tired of space travel; I fear these creatures were not meant for such hardship as explorers must bear. Having found a great civilization of type L2hx humanoids similar to themselves, it is no wonder that they left, but that was some time ago.
Selesta waited for weeks while the eminent Earthlings Knightwood and Zhdanov searched for a way to alter the Kiel3 genetic codes—the two “Earth” people had fallen in love on the surface of Jepu-ra. I see that your daughter had filled their mind with understanding of a new language and culture, but as you know, the Kiel3 humans could not find a way to alter their genetic structure enough to intermarry on alien worlds.
You will be disturbed by the news that in the end Selerael changed their genetic structure to make it possible. Is this not a sign that she w
ields the same power as you? Yet you thought she would never endure the metamorphosis. I fear that she has always been a child of the serum, a creature at one with Hinev’s elixir and no human form as either you or I know it—she is as powerful as one of the explorers, but she never received a serum injection. But I do not really know. However, with the power Hinev’s serum once unlocked in you, Alessia, she changed their subatomic structure, communicating with and rearranging the components of their physical bodies.
Do not become alarmed by this. You would not have protested, Alessia, for the Earthlings understood there would be no returning to the form of human being they had been once Selesta departed; it was what they wanted—they were not forced to change against their wills.
When the ship left Vikaris only two years later, your daughter entreated the presence on the ship to allow three humans, by name Jens Bekker, Alethia Papanelopolous, and Aiyana Segura to remain behind. You can’t imagine how I wish Selerael would communicate to me more often and form a mindlink, for I do hate to be left in such darkness! The few words and concepts I have grasped of the Kiel3 speech are more frustrating than enlightening.
On our journey, we have not only left humanoids behind. Selerael’s friends once picked up a small group of type R32ak humanoid passengers, after Selerael’s scout party stayed with them nine Kiel3 tendays. I sensed that those on board the ship worried for their safety if the Enlil should appear, yet for a long time we had not received contact from Sargon’s ship. I have heard nothing from him since the alien pilot’s escape, but I know Sargon too well. He still has not quit his search, but I believe I have traveled too far for him to catch us, at least for now.
You will be proud to learn that she is as noble-hearted a creature as I considered you to be, Alessia. After nine weeks on the planetary surface, she brought a group that had faced persecution on their world. How these creatures amused me! They couldn’t seem to believe they were going to live on board as grand a ship as Selesta when they saw it.