‘One’s fine.’ Lucas forced a smile. ‘And I’m sorry. Sorry you had to come here. Sorry it had to come to this.’ His eyes kept meeting hers then looking away again, as though he couldn’t bear to actually look at her, as though he wanted to forget what had happened between them.
Evie forced a smile. ‘Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. You’re only trying to protect him. Protect the City.’
Lucas nodded. He was still just inches away from her; neither of them seemed able to move. ‘I thought I’d never see you again,’ he said suddenly, his voice was husky, low. And he was looking right at her now; Evie felt his eyes boring into her, like they might consume her if she wasn’t careful.
‘I thought I’d never see you, either,’ she said, her voice catching. Her nails were digging into her palms, reminding her to hold it together. ‘So how was the … I mean, in the City … what have you …?’ She had no idea what she was saying. Her brain had stopped working, had become a blank screen.
‘Evie? Are you coming?’ It was Raffy, walking towards them. Immediately Lucas moved away, the spell broken. Evie watched him go, then turned back to Raffy, her heart thudding in her chest.
‘I’m coming,’ she said.
They found places to sleep – Raffy and Evie in an area near the kitchen; Lucas in front of the fire. Linus and Benjamin had set themselves up on the other side of the cave; Lucas suspected they had intended to talk, not sleep, but already he could hear gentle snores coming from their direction.
He closed his eyes, allowed his head to loll backwards. His head hurt and he needed to sleep, needed sleep more than anything in the world, and yet he was finding it impossible because he couldn’t relax, couldn’t stop thinking, not for one moment. It felt like his brain had knotted together too tightly, as though someone were squeezing it together, wringing out any moisture, any air that might bring him comfort. His thoughts felt compressed; he couldn’t untangle them, couldn’t think straight. He felt heavy with tiredness but was too alert to sleep, his mind too active, his body too primed for action.
He’d thought it would be easier, thought that he was stronger, wiser. But he wasn’t at all. Watching Evie with his brother was like physical pain itself, like a red-hot poker being jabbed into his eyes. If he’d hoped that he’d be able to remain impassive, that hope had been dashed the moment he’d set eyes on Evie, seen those eyes of hers, those eyes that were so alive, so questioning, so knowing. And every time he looked at her, he knew that he would never find peace, never find happiness. Not when she was with someone else, not when she was with his brother.
He took a deep breath. He had to sleep.
He remembered the hospital, and decided once again to count, not to stay awake this time but to take his mind away from this place, away from reality. He counted, up to a thousand and then down again. And as he counted, he felt himself get heavier. And as he sunk into a deep slumber, he saw Evie’s face next to him, and he imagined Evie was caressing him, that she was embracing him, whispering in his ear that everything would be okay, that he was with her now, that all the pain had gone for ever.
Evie watched Raffy silently, watched him sit on the edge of their bedding, refusing to look at her but refusing to go to sleep. And the more his angry silence went on, the less Evie felt capable of breaking it. It was as though she’d run out of things to say to Raffy, but she knew that she hadn’t; in fact there was a flood of things, but she just couldn’t start because if she did she might not stop, and now wasn’t the time. So instead, Evie had got into their makeshift bed and told Raffy she was tired. He looked at her balefully, then slowly stood up, got undressed and crouched down on the corner of the blanket. And that’s where there’d been for the past hour; Evie not sleeping, Raffy not moving. She knew that he was struggling, knew that he was angry at the loss of the Settlement, angry at the Informers, at Lucas, at Linus. And she knew that it was up to her to help him, to allow him to express himself, to get out the thoughts that would currently be jumbling his mind. That’s what she always did; acted as his sounding board, his confidant, re-assuring him, explaining things to him. Now, though, she did not know the right sentence to say that would unlock his confusion and fear. All she could find were silent images of Lucas flashing through her head, making her stomach lurch and her heart quicken, making her redden every time Raffy glanced at her, flooding her with guilt, flooding her with anger because Raffy was so obstinate when it came to his brother, so impossible.
‘Raffy,’ she said, finally, knowing that only she could break the stalemate; that Raffy would never speak first. ‘Raffy, come to bed. Stop being so angry. Lucas came because you were in trouble. And everyone is here because of it. The Settlement doesn’t even exist any more. This is bigger than you and Lucas. This is more important than that.’
Raffy opened his mouth, then closed it again, stood up, his eyes anguished. ‘You don’t get it, do you? After all this time, you just don’t get it.’
‘Get what?’ Evie asked uncertainly.
Raffy shook his head. ‘It doesn’t matter. You know what? It just doesn’t matter any more. I’m going to sleep.’
He got into the bed, lay down, facing away from Evie and pulled the blanket over him. Evie pulled the blanket back.
‘It obviously does matter,’ she said, trying to keep her voice calm. Now was not the time, she kept reminding herself. But it was no good. ‘So tell me,’ she said, sounding like a schoolteacher, her voice tight and cross when it should be sympathetic and supportive. ‘What exactly has Lucas done that’s so terrible? Apart from pretending to be someone he wasn’t all his life to protect you? Apart from risking everything several times to keep you alive? What has he done that’s so terrible?’ Raffy grunted; Evie moved away wearily. ‘I wish you’d stop being so blinkered,’ she said. ‘Lucas isn’t the bad guy. I don’t get how you can’t see that.’
‘Because he is,’ Raffy said suddenly, sitting up, his eyes dark and thunderous. ‘You’re the one who can’t see it.’
‘So then tell me why,’ Evie said in frustration. ‘Give me an actual reason why he’s so bad.’
Raffy caught her eye, then shook his head. ‘There’s no point,’ he said quietly. ‘It’s too late anyway. He’s done what he set out to do.’
‘Which is what?’ Evie said, her voice at least an octave higher than usual. ‘What has he done? What?’
But Raffy wouldn’t answer; he was lying down again, his back to her, the pillow pulled over his head. Minutes later, Evie could hear the sound of his deep breathing that signalled he was asleep.
She stared at his still body mutinously. How could he sleep? Her whole body was zinging with outrage. How could Raffy be so unreasonable? So unmovable? So … stubborn?
The more she watched him, the more angry she became and she needed to calm down, needed and clear her mind so that she had some chance of getting some sleep. He needed her, she knew that; wouldn’t rest until they were married or living away from all other human contact. But right now the thought of being with him, only him, for ever … It made her sweat, made her breathless, like she was gasping for air, like her oxygen was slowly being sucked away.
It made her feel like she used to feel about marrying Lucas, back in the City, back when she’d thought that the only person she cared about in the whole world was Raffy.
She closed her eyes. Was it her? Was she incapable of being happy, of giving love? She breathed out heavily, opened her eyes again and stood up, then carefully padded out to the kitchen. Perhaps a glass of water would help. She could sit by the fire for a few minutes, let it warm her, let it hypnotise away her dark thoughts and desires. She was angry with Raffy, but she knew it wasn’t really his fault. She was angry at herself, angry at the world. But she wouldn’t be for ever. Things would calm down. And then she would probably be fine again.
She could see Linus and Benjamin sleeping on the other side of the cave, so she poured herself some water then walked over to sit by the fire, to warm herself, to calm
her thoughts. But as she approached she saw that Lucas was there, sleeping under a pile of blankets. And she wasn’t sure why she did it, but she found herself walking over to him, sitting just a few inches from where he lay; found herself studying him, his face, the bandages wrapped around his head, his arm, his hand. He looked so peaceful, so calm. She imagined him in the Informer’s camp, so afraid, but still calm and rational, just like he always was. And she realised, as she watched him, that she had never seen him anything other than in control; he was always being strong for everyone, taking the lead. She had never seen him quite so vulnerable, and she found that she couldn’t look away; couldn’t possibly look anywhere else.
And then, without really thinking what she was doing, she found her own hand stretching out, touching his, lightly, then less lightly, her palm over the back of his hand, resting. Her hand looked so small compared with his, so delicate even after a year at the Settlement. She left it there for a few seconds, felt the warmth of his skin against hers. Then, silently, she took her hand away. She shouldn’t be there; she knew that. But whether she had intended to or not, what she’d done had worked; sitting there next to Lucas had calmed her and she felt ready for sleep. Watching his chest rise and fall had slowed her own breathing, slowed her racing mind. So quietly, carefully, she stood up. And that’s when Lucas’s eyes opened. Evie reddened, looked at him anxiously. ‘Sorry,’ she whispered. ‘Go back to sleep.’
But Lucas shook his head and looked right into her eyes. ‘Don’t go,’ he whispered. ‘Stay.’
The hairs on the back of Evie’s neck were upright. Covered with goosebumps, she sat down again.
‘How’s Raffy?’ Lucas asked softly.
Evie managed a half-smile. ‘Asleep,’ she said. ‘Angry with you. Angry about everything.’
Lucas emitted a hollow laugh. ‘Asleep is good,’ he said. ‘And what he thinks about me is irrelevant. Once this is over, he can go back with Benjamin. You can …’ He hesitated, cleared his throat. ‘Both of you, I mean. You can get married, like you were going to.’
Evie nodded slowly, her eyes meeting his, unable to look away. And that’s when she saw something in his eyes, something that gave her hope, something that made her afraid; something that could only be the start of one thing and the ending of another; something that brought to a head everything she had been feeling for so long.
‘Maybe,’ she said. The word came out before she’d been able to mentally process the thoughts that had been tumbling around her head; before she could caution herself, before she could consider the implications.
‘Maybe?’ Lucas frowned, sitting up.
‘Maybe,’ she whispered, biting her lip.
He reached out, his right hand cupping her jaw, his thumb caressing her cheek. ‘You deserve to find peace, Evie,’ he said then, his eyes looking into hers so intently she had to look away.
‘No,’ she shook her head. ‘No, Lucas. I don’t deserve anything. She reached up to the bandage on the side of his head. ‘What happened?’
‘Linus,’ Lucas said with a shrug, ‘threw me off a cliff.’
She removed the bandage, brushed her thumb against the wound, felt the rough edges. ‘Does it hurt?’
‘Not really.’ Lucas’s voice was barely audible.
Evie nodded. Her hand moved down slowly so that her palm was against the back of his neck. She wanted to show him that there could be happiness and joy as well as pain and suffering; needed him to know that at least one person saw him as he really was.
‘You should go to Raffy,’ Lucas said huskily. ‘He’ll be waiting for you.’
‘No,’ she said, and as she spoke she realised that she’d known for a long time. Known that Raffy was the boy she’d grown up with but not the man she loved; not any more. ‘You should go to Raffy,’ Lucas said again, breathlessly, as he moved his arms around the small of her back, pressed her towards him, his hunger for her evident in every touch.
She shook her head, brought her other hand up to Lucas’s face, pressed them into his hair, then she moaned as his lips found hers, as she felt her whole body ignite with desire, with need, with a connection so strong it almost overwhelmed her.
‘Evie,’ she heard Lucas whisper. ‘Evie, Evie …’ Again and again he said her name as he pulled her to him, as his lips moved around her face, her neck, as she clung to him, pressed herself against him, knew that she would surrender to him completely, knew that things were about to change for ever.
41
Raffy sighed and opened his eyes, then frowned as his hands patted the bed, stretched out, but were met with nothing. He sat up, looked around, tried not to feel the familiar clenching fear that consumed him every time Evie was out of his sight. She’d gone to the bathroom, gone to get a drink. She’d be back in a minute. But a minute went by and still there was no Evie and with every second he felt his chest constrict with terror, terror that she’d left him, that she’d been taken from him, that he was all alone, that she was with Lucas …
He stood up, slowed his breath, put his hand against the wall of the cave to steady himself. He had to calm down, had to take control of himself. She wouldn’t do that to him; she wouldn’t, no matter what that guy Thomas said. He was wrong; he didn’t know Evie.
Although he’d been right about everything else.
Raffy closed his eyes, then opened them again when images of Evie and Lucas flashed into his head, images that had tortured him ever since she’d admitted to him that they’d kissed that night, the night they’d left the City. Evie and Lucas; Lucas and Evie – the very thought brought him out in a cold sweat. Lucas, who had everything else, could not have her; would not have her, not if Raffy was still drawing breath.
He started to pace; she would be back. Thomas was wrong. He had to be. And yet Raffy could hear his words so clearly still, could hear the solution he had offered …
Raffy took a deep breath, counted to three, then counted to ten. He had to calm down. Lucas hadn’t come to steal Evie; he had come to help them, just as he always had. Raffy knew that and yet his resentment had only grown again. Lucas the hero; Lucas the saviour. Lucas the elder brother that Raffy had hated his whole life, hated so much it had become integral to his identity, as though if he were to stop despising his brother he would cease to exist. That’s what Evie didn’t get, what she didn’t see. Discovering the truth about Lucas had only made Raffy hate him more.
Because Lucas’s courage and determination only emphasised more clearly Raffy’s own failings. Because against Lucas, Raffy would always be the also-ran, the let-down. And because one day Evie would see it, and leave him for his big brother.
He shook himself. He was being paranoid. He was letting that Thomas person play with his head, and his head was messed up enough already. Evie wasn’t with Lucas. She loved him. When this was all over, they’d go back to the Settlement with Benjamin, help rebuild it, get married. Everything would return to normal. Everything.
But she still wasn’t back. Maybe he’d just go and check. Just in case.
He picked up his torch and made his way down through the tunnel towards the computer room. If Evie wasn’t in the kitchen or the sitting room he would wake Lucas, ask him if he had seen Evie. Not that he needed help, but more because it would give him an opportunity to talk to Lucas. To be mature. Reasonable. Just like he knew Evie was desperate for him to be. He’d do it for her. He’d thank Lucas for coming. He’d ask how things had been in the City.
He walked purposefully, his ears on high alert. And then he stopped; he could hear something. Evie. Her voice was muffled, a whispered cry, but it was definitely her. He moved quickly, anger flaring up inside him. If someone was hurting her he’d kill them; more than that, he’d rip them limb from limb, cause them more pain than they’d ever known before. He raced towards the sound of her voice and then he stopped, and his mouth fell open, and his whole world came crashing down around him.
She was not in trouble.
It was something else completely
.
42
Evie crept back to bed, and when she saw Raffy lying there, his head on the pillow, unknowing, unsuspecting, she started to cry. Even her tears made her hate herself more because she had no right to cry; had no right to feel anything, not when she had just betrayed the boy she had always loved, the boy who depended on her for so much.
She lay down, closed her eyes, tried to sleep. And sleep came, eventually, but with it were feverish dreams that made her toss and turn, that made her sweat, that made her scream out and sit up. And when she opened her eyes and saw that daylight was creeping in through the cave’s natural skylight, she reached over to Raffy.
And that’s when she realised that he had gone.
Not gone, she told herself, just not in bed. He could be anywhere. Was probably mooching around. He didn’t know anything. Couldn’t know anything. He would be talking to Benjamin, arguing with Linus. Of course he would.
Quickly Evie got up, dressed and rushed out, trying to look relaxed, trying not to look guilty. But when the first person she saw was Lucas, when she saw his eyes, she knew that what happened between them couldn’t stay a secret, not when he was looking at her like that, his eyes naked, every thought and emotion clearly visible in them, just as they were probably visible in hers.
She forced a smile. ‘Seen Raffy?’ she asked, her voice light but shaking because she was trying to sound normal, but she’d forgotten what normal sounded like, because nothing was normal, nothing would ever be normal again.
Lucas shook his head and his forehead creased. ‘He’s not …’ Evie knew the end of the sentence: ‘with you’, words that Lucas couldn’t bring himself to say. Had he suffered all night knowing that she was returning to sleep in bed with Raffy, she wondered? Had his night been as fitful as hers had been?
She shook her head. ‘You didn’t see him out here?’
Lucas shook his head again; Evie started to move more quickly through the cave. She called out Raffy’s name but was met by silence. Soon Lucas was calling out too, walking then running through the cave, checking everywhere, shooting each other concerned glances as they searched.