and Jack caught him in midair.
“Hey, buddy.”
“What are you doing?”
Jack started to say something and then stopped. He turned so they were both looking out toward the ocean. He pointed to the sky. “Mommy’s up there watching us, Jackie.”
Jackie looked awestruck. “Mommy?” Jack nodded. Jackie waved to the sky. “Hi, Mom.” He blew her a kiss.
Then Jack turned back around and carried his son toward the house. Right before he got there, he slowly looked back at that little patch of blue sky.
Good-bye, Lizzie.
For now.
Jack’s Letters
Dear Lizzie,
There are things I want to say to you that I just don’t have the breath for anymore. That’s why I’ve decided to write you these letters. I want you to have them after I’m gone. They’re not meant to be sad, just my chance to talk to you one more time. When I was healthy you made me happier than any person has a right to be. When I was half a world away, I knew that I was looking at the same sky you were, thinking of the same things you were, wanting to be with you and looking forward to when I could be. You gave me three beautiful children, which is a greater gift than I deserved. I tell you this, though you already know it, because sometimes people don’t talk about these things enough. I want you to know that if I could’ve stayed with you I would have. I fought as hard as I could. I will never understand why I had to be taken from you so soon, but I have accepted it. Yet I want you to know that there is nothing more important to me than you. I loved you from the moment I saw you. And the happiest day of my life was when you agreed to share your life with mine. I promised that I would always be there for you. And my love for you is so strong that even though I won’t be there physically, I will be there in every other way. I will watch over you. I will be there if you need to talk. I will never stop loving you. Not even death is powerful enough to overcome my feelings for you. My love for you, Lizzie, is stronger than anything.
Love,
Jack
Dear Lizzie,
Christmas will be here in five days, and I promise that I will make it. I’ve never broken a promise to you, and I never will. It’s hard to say good-bye, but sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to. Jackie came to see me a little while ago, and we talked. Well, he talked in Jackie language and I listened. I like to listen to him because I know one day very soon I won’t be able to. He’s growing up so fast, and I know he probably won’t remember his dad, but I know I will live on in your memories. Tell him his dad loved him and wanted the best for him. And I wish I could have thrown the football to him and watched him play baseball. I know he will have a great life.
Cory is a special little boy. He has your sensitivity, your compassion. I know what’s happening to me is probably affecting him the most of all the kids. He came and got into bed with me last night. He asked me if it hurt very much. I told him it didn’t. He told me to say hello to God when I saw him. And I promised that I would.
And Mikki.
Mikki is the most complicated of all. Not a little girl anymore but not yet an adult either. She is a good kid, though I know you’ve had your moments with her. She is smart and caring and she loves her brothers. She loves you, though she sometimes doesn’t like to show it. My greatest regret with my daughter is letting her grow away from me. It was my fault, not hers. I see that clearly now. I only wish I had seen it that clearly while I still had a chance to do something about it. After I’m gone, please tell her the first time I ever saw her, when I got back from Afghanistan and was still in uniform, there was no prouder father who ever lived. Looking down at her tiny face, I felt the purest joy a human could possibly feel. And I wanted to protect her and never let anything bad ever happen to her. Life doesn’t work that way, of course. But tell her that her dad was her biggest fan. And that whatever she does in life, I will always be her biggest fan.
Love,
Jack
Dear Lizzie,
Christmas is five days away and it’s a good time to reflect on life. Your life. This will be hard. Hard for me to write and hard for you to read, but it needs to be said. You’re young and you have many years ahead of you. Cory and Jackie will be with you for many more years. And even Mikki will benefit. I’m talking about you finding someone else, Lizzie.
I know you won’t want to at first. You’ll even feel guilty about thinking about another man in your life, but, Lizzie, it has to be that way. I cannot allow you to go through the rest of your life alone. It’s not fair to you, and it has nothing to do with the love we have for each other. It will not change that at all. It can’t. Our love is too strong. It will last forever. But there are many kinds of love, and people have the capacity to love many different people. You are a wonderful person, Lizzie, and you can make someone else’s life wonderful. Love is to be shared, not hidden, not hoarded.
And you have much love to share. It doesn’t mean you love me any less. And I certainly could never love you more than I already do. But in your heart you will find more love for someone else. And you will make him happy. And he will make you happy. And Jackie especially will have a father to help him grow into a good man. Our son deserves that. Believe me, Lizzie, if it could be any other way, I would make it so. But you have to deal with life as it comes. And I’m trying my best to do just that. I love you too much to accept anything less than your complete and total happiness.
Love,
Jack
Dear Lizzie,
Christmas is almost here, and I promise that I will make it. It will be a great day. Seeing the kids’ faces when they open their presents will be better for me than all the medications in the world. I know this has been hard on everyone, especially you and the kids. But I know that your mom and dad have really been a tremendous help to you. I’ve never gotten to know them as well as I would have liked. Sometimes I feel that your mom thinks you might have married someone better suited to you, more successful. But I know deep down that she cares about me, and I know she loves you and the kids with all her heart. It is a blessing to have someone like that to support you. My father died, as you know, when I was still just a kid. And you know about my mom. But your parents have always been there for me, especially Bonnie, and in many ways, I see her as more of a mom to me than my own mother. It’s action, not words, that really counts. That’s what it really means to love someone. Please tell them that I always had the greatest respect for her and Fred. They are good people. And I hope that one day she will feel that I was a good father who tried to do the right thing. And that maybe I was worthy of you.
Love,
Jack
Dear Lizzie,
As I’ve watched things from my bed, I have a confession to make to you. And an apology. I haven’t been a very good husband or father. Half our marriage I was fighting a war, and the other half I was working too hard. I heard once that no one would like to have on their tombstone that they wished they’d spent more time at work. I guess I fall into that category, but it’s too late for me to change now. I had my chance. When I see the kids coming and going, I realize how much I missed. Mikki already is grown up with her own life. Cory is complex and quiet. Even Jackie has his own personality. And I missed most of it. My greatest regret in life will be leaving you long before I should. My second greatest regret is not being more involved in my children’s lives. I guess I thought I would have more time to make up for it, but that’s not really an excuse. It’s sad when you realize the most important things in life too late to do anything about them. They say Christmas is the season of second chances. My hope is to make these last few days my second chance to do the right thing for the people that I love the most.
Love,
Jack
Dear Lizzie,
A lot has happened that I need to tell you about.
Love,
Jack
Acknowledgments
To Michelle, for taking the journey with me.
To Mit
ch Hoffman, for readily jumping in with both feet on something so different.
To David Young and Jamie Raab, for allowing me to stretch. To Emi Battaglia, Jennifer Romanello, Chris Barba, Karen Torres, Tom Maciag, Maja Thomas, Martha Otis, Anthony Goff, Michele McGonigle and Kim Hoffman, and all others at Grand Central, for their unparalleled support.
To Aaron and Arleen Priest, Lucy Child, Lisa Erbach Vance, Nicole James, Frances Jalet-Miller, and John Richmond, for carrying the laboring oar so much.
To Maria Rejt, Trisha Jackson, and Katie James at Pan Macmillan, for so successfully building my career across the waters.
To Eileen Chetti, for a superb copyediting job.
To Grace MyQuade and Lynn Goldberg, for doing what you do so damn well.
To Lynette and Natasha, for keeping the home fires well lit and burning robustly.
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