I stayed the rest of Sunday night, but only because I knew if I got out of bed and told Rylan I wanted to go back to my apartment, he'd feel like it was his fault, and he didn't deserve that.
Monday morning, he told me that he'd given everyone the entire week off for Christmas, adding the first couple days to the usual vacation so that no one had to deal with what had happened to Christophe. Word would probably get around, but it'd at least give me a buffer as people had time to gossip away from the office. He was still going in because there was a lot he needed to do, but he told me I didn't have to.
I managed a half-smile and said that I'd rather be busy. I also had to call the police and see if I was allowed to go back to my apartment. Rylan protested, of course, telling me that I could stay as long as I liked and that I needed to have professionals come in and clean. I offered a compromise. I'd let a cleaning crew take care of the apartment if they went right away so I could go home that night.
I saw the flash of hurt cross his face and wished I could take it back. It wasn't him. If anything, I wanted to stay with him and never leave. That was the problem. I had to go back to my apartment, start living my life again. I couldn't keep pretending that he was always going to be there. If I wasn't careful, when he finally did get tired of me and my baggage, I wouldn't have anything to go back to.
Fortunately, there was enough to do at work that we didn't have to deal with any awkwardness between us. We ate lunch together since the office was virtually empty, save for the security guards who were alternating shifts all week, but we didn't talk about anything that had happened between us, keeping the talk all work related. That was good though since we still wanted to keep our relationship quiet at work.
When we left, I could tell he wanted to ask me to go home with him again, but I didn't give him the opportunity. By the time I got back to my apartment, I wished I would have. The crew he'd hired had been excellent, but it didn't matter. The place was tainted. It wasn't safe here. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself, missing Rylan. I wanted nothing more than to be with him, but that wasn't going to happen. I had to stand on my own two feet. With that thought in mind, I headed into the kitchen to find something to eat.
I was deciding between two equally unappetizing options when my phone rang. Immediately, my stomach flipped. I'd still been getting the occasional call from former clients who didn't know I wasn't freelancing anymore, but I hoped it wasn't any of them. A glance at my screen sent my heart racing. As I answered the call, I wondered if there would ever be a time when seeing his name or hearing his voice wouldn't provoke a physical response. I hoped not.
“Jenna.”
A shiver went up my spine. Damn. Just him saying my name could make me wet.
“You got home safely?” There was tension in his voice.
“Yes. And the cleaning crew you hired did an amazing job. Thank you.” Why did I feel so nervous? I'd spent the entire weekend with him. Talking on the phone shouldn’t have been difficult.
Then again, I reasoned, there was a difference between lying in bed and talking, or making small talk over a meal, and having a conversation on the phone. Especially when a relationship had experienced the kind of sudden increase in intimacy that ours had. I'd accepted the title of girlfriend before everything had happened with Christophe, but the things I'd shared with Rylan, and telling him that I loved him, went way beyond the words we used to describe each other.
“Are you upset with me?” The question was matter-of-fact, but I could picture the look on Rylan's face when he asked it.
“No,” I answered immediately. “I'm just tired.” Only the 'just' part wasn't entirely true. I put a teasing note into my voice. “Someone didn't let me get much sleep this weekend.”
He chuckled and I felt his relief. “Well then,” he said. “I better not take up too much of your time.”
I smiled when he laughed. The sound danced across my skin.
“Aside from wanting to make sure you were okay,” he continued. “I wanted to know if you had any plans tomorrow after work. If you were coming in to work,” he quickly added. “You're still welcome to take advantage of the time off.”
“I'm coming in,” I said. “I think being here is going to take some time. Better to break it up with other things.”
“I'm glad you said that,” Rylan said. “Because if you're not busy after work, I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me to a Christmas party. I got the invitation a while ago, but wasn't planning on going. Then Lara called me and guilted me into coming. I really don't want to go alone.”
“Lara?” I hoped my voice sounded as light as I meant it to be.
“Lara Roache,” he clarified. “Her family's got serious money back East and she came out here for college. Ended up staying and getting into real estate to make her own money.”
“You sound like you know her pretty well.” I quashed the jealousy that wanted to rear its head. There was no reason that Rylan shouldn't know wealthy people in the area. He'd been rich since college and, from what I'd gathered from my humiliating lunch with his half-sister, his family came from money as well.
“I should,” he said. “We dated for two years.”
All of the air went out of my lungs and I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I didn't know why it shocked me. Why would I have assumed that his previous relationships would've been short, if not only one-night stands? Of course he'd had girlfriends before. Real girlfriends who he'd taken to meet his parents, ones he'd seen a future with.
“Anyway, she always has this huge Christmas party for all of the high society people in the area and she wants me to come. I think it'd be good for Archer Enterprises.”
Of course, I thought. Work. That made sense. I could almost hear the sarcasm in my mental voice. Maybe that was why he wanted me to come. I was one of his most impressive employees.
“Please don't make me go alone.” His begging was half teasing.
How could I say no to that? I couldn't deny him anything. “What's the dress code?” I had no doubt there was one. High society people weren't exactly the 'come as you are' type.
“You're gorgeous in anything.”
I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me. “Is this black tie? Semi-formal?”
“I didn't think you cared what people thought about how you dressed.”
“I care when it reflects on you.” Shit. Too much. “And the business.”
He was silent for a moment, and then spoke, his voice a bit lower than it was before. “I really liked that dark blue dress you wore.”
I knew which one he was talking about. He'd flown in a former roommate who was now a successful chef in LA to make us dinner at his place. As good as the food was, what had followed was even more memorable.
“What time?” The images dancing through my mind made my voice a bit rough.
“Well, it's supposed to start at six, and I figured if we went early, we could cut out early and get something real to eat. Knowing Lara, the only thing they'll have to eat at the party will be some of those pretentious finger foods.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
“Are you sure there's nothing wrong?” he asked.
“Tired, like I said.” I tossed the leftover Chinese food into the trash. It probably wouldn't have been a good idea to eat it anyway.
“I hope you're not coming down with something.” His voice was full of concern.
“I don't think so,” I said. “I'm thinking a hot bath and then calling it a night.”
“All right,” he said. “I'll let you get to your bath. Wishing I was there with you.”
I closed my eyes as the image of him naked and wet in my tub popped up in my mind. “I'll see you tomorrow.”
I really did take a bath and then went to bed, but I didn't get much sleep. Along with all of the thoughts I'd tried to avoid all weekend, now I kept thinking about tomorrow. There was no way anyone at that party would think I belonged there with Rylan. When it was just the
two of us, I could pretend that my appearance didn't matter. And this wouldn't just be a restaurant where we could ignore people who stared or muttered comments under their breath. This would be a party where Rylan would want to mingle. Mingle with an ex-girlfriend who my brain insisted was some tall, leggy blonde with a tiny waist and huge breasts.
I kept myself busy at work, but I could still feel him there. It was odd how the two of us being the only ones in the entire building could make me so aware of him. The tension grew enough throughout the day that when Rylan appeared at my office door, it was all I could do not to run over and kiss him.
“You're early,” I said.
“I think your boss won't mind if you cut out a little early.” He grinned, that easy smile that made my heart twist. “Especially if it meant you were going to change into that dress that showed off those gorgeous legs of yours.” His eyes flicked down to where my legs disappeared beneath my desk.
I rolled my eyes affectionately. “Give me ten minutes.”
To my relief, the awkwardness I'd felt the night before while on the phone was gone. I walked out of the bathroom and he was waiting in a tux. He held out his hand and I slid mine into it. As our fingers entwined, it felt like coming home. All of my previous concerns seemed petty.
We headed down to the front of the building where a car waiting and rode in a comfortable silence. I leaned my head against his shoulder and tried not to think of all the questions I had about the ex-girlfriend I'd meet tonight.
When we arrived at the location, I had to admit, I was a bit surprised. I'd expected some sort of big fancy house or something. Instead, we were in front of a small art gallery that looked like it was locally owned. The work hanging in the windows was superb.
He wrapped my arm through his as we headed into the building. About two dozen people were already there, every one of them nicely dressed and none of them looking entirely pleased to see me. Well, that wasn't entirely accurate. They looked at me more like I was someone who should be painting the abstract art rather than being there to enjoy it. Someone who should be part of the eccentric, creative world, not part of theirs.
“Rylan!”
I found my arm being pulled away as a short, curvy red-head threw herself at my boyfriend. I didn't need an introduction to know this was Lara. Her hair was that deep, dark red that wasn't brassy at all. When she pulled back, I saw jade eyes glittering in a beautiful face. Fuck. She was gorgeous.
“Lara.” He smiled at her and my stomach twisted. “I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Jenna.” He reached out and took my hand.
“Jenna, nice to meet you.” Lara turned towards me and held out her hand.
I shook it with my free hand and forced a smile. “It's nice to meet you too.”
“So, girlfriend, huh?” Lara turned back to Rylan and put her hand on his arm. “And here I worried I'd scared you away from relationships altogether.”
I resisted the urge to look up at Rylan, but I felt him stiffen.
“You must be one special girl,” Lara said, shooting me a smile. “Rylan's never been much of a one-girl guy.” She reached up and patted his cheek. “Broken a lot of hearts though.”
He rolled his eyes. “Lara, don't you have other guests?”
“Of course, but don't you two go rushing off.” She leaned against him, going on up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek as her breasts pressed against his arm. “I want to hear all about how the two of you met.”
Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. I risked a glance up at Rylan and he squeezed my hand, telling me without words that he understood what I was feeling. I appreciated the sentiment, but I had a bad feeling that tonight wasn't going to be as nice as I'd hoped. Or, more honestly, it would be as bad as I'd feared.
As it turned out, that wasn't entirely true. While most of the people at the gallery weren't exactly rude to me, they made it pretty clear that I wasn't in their class. Once Rylan started talking business, people warmed up a bit, but I assumed that was mostly because he introduced me as his top security tech. I couldn't exactly be annoyed since, in that context, it was the right thing to do, but I wished he'd made it a bit more clear where we stood, especially considering some of the looks he was getting from female guests.
And then there was Lara. She wasn't mean to me. In fact, she was polite and sweet. That just made it worse when she started flirting with Rylan. Little touches and smiles, laughing and pressing her body against his. The worst part was that, while he didn't encourage her, he didn't push her away either.
I tried not to let it bother me, tried to ignore the way jealousy crept up inside me. He loved me. He said he did. I had to trust that. But as the night wore on, it became harder and harder to not wonder if he was comparing me to her, wondering if he'd made a mistake breaking up with her and being with me. She was so vibrant and beautiful. Plus, I was pretty sure she didn't have half of the baggage I had. He probably didn't have to worry about her freaking out if he tied her hands too tight or ask if she was okay every time after they had sex.
They were perfect for each other.
And I knew everyone else could see it too. She was the kind of woman he was supposed to be with. I didn't doubt that his sister and friend would agree. I was sure there had been no uncomfortable lunches where her family and motives had been questioned. No dark secrets in her past that she would need to hide.
“Jenna, love, is everything okay?” Rylan's voice was low in my ear, his hand at the small of my back.
“Fine.” I gave him a tight smile. “Headache.” It wasn't exactly a lie. My head was hurting.
“We should go,” he said immediately.
I shook my head. “You should stay. Catch up with your friends.”
He frowned. “I don't care about them. I care about you.”
He reached for me and his frown deepened when I took a step back. I just couldn't take his touch right now. I couldn't think straight when he touched me and my mind was already a mess.
“Fine,” I said. “If you want to go, we'll go.”
He didn't try to touch me again, but his concern was nearly palpable. He quickly said good-bye to Lara, his dismissive attitude almost enough to make me feel better. Almost.
I didn't doubt his feelings, not really. What I doubted was whether or not I belonged in his life. And I knew, sooner or later, he'd figure it out.
Chapter 4
Rylan had been worried enough about me on the way home from the party that he'd suggested I go back to his house. When I declined, he'd offered to sleep on my couch. As much as every fiber of my being longed to tell him to take me home with him, to curl up in his arms, I told him no. I wanted to be alone.
I took some cold medicine since I knew it would knock me out and the last thing I needed was to spend the entire night running over every miserable detail of the evening. A part of me even held out some hope that if I got a better night's sleep than I'd gotten the night before, I'd think more clearly and things wouldn't be as bad as they seemed now.
When I woke up Wednesday morning after a deep and dreamless sleep, I found that I was partially right. Things weren't as bad as I thought the night before. I knew I was overreacting with my jealousy, but I wasn’t able to completely shake everything I'd been feeling, especially the thought that Lara was a better match for Rylan than I was.
As I got ready for work, a new thought occurred to me. What if my behavior last night made him reconsider being with me? Wasn't it just as easy to fall out of love with someone as it was to fall in love? Especially people like us who'd fallen in love under such strange circumstances. And he'd loved Lara once too. What if seeing her last night, comparing us had made him realize what he'd given up? I didn't doubt for a moment that she'd take him back.
Maybe that was for the best, I thought as I waited at the bus stop. I shivered as a swirl of snow blew inside. It hadn't snowed hard enough to stick yet, but the weatherman said it was coming. We'd have a white Christmas most likely. I tucked my hair more snuggly under m
y hat. As a kid, I once told my mom that I wanted a white Christmas. She'd pointed out that we lived in Florida. No chance of snow there. Aside from the mountains, the possibility of snow had been one of the reasons I wanted to come to Colorado. I'd gotten my white Christmas my first year here.
I could still remember it. The campus had been basically deserted. Only a few international students had been there and because the campus was so big, we hadn't really seen each other. I'd gone out at midnight, the moment it had officially become Christmas, and stood out in the courtyard between the dorms. I'd stared up at the sky, watching the snow coming down, and for a moment, I'd felt peace. Until I'd met Rylan, it had been the only time I'd ever felt that way.
I sighed. I started to wish I'd taken the rest of the week off, but I knew I'd be alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as it was. I didn't think I could spend one more day than necessary in that apartment. At least there wasn’t anyone else at the office. Rylan was the only one I'd have to avoid.
It wasn't that I really wanted to avoid him. I simply didn't know how to deal with all of this. When the only examples you've ever had of relationships have been either totally fucked up or fictional – or both – it tended to make it more difficult to know what to do. Fortunately, I'd run into a glitch with a program I'd been working on and it demanded my full attention, giving me the chance to not think about personal things for a while.
My phone buzzed and drew me out of the zone. It was a text from Rylan asking if I wanted to go to lunch. I sighed. I wanted to go, wanted to see him, but I wasn't sure I could hide my feelings from him. I didn't think I'd gotten out of practice. He was just good at reading me. I sent back a quick reply saying I had to finish working out this problem.
I was just starting to get back into work again when my office phone rang. I almost didn't pick it up. I knew who it was. I didn't get outside calls. But he knew I was here so not answering would be a slap in the face and I didn't want to do that. Dammit! Not having feelings for anyone was certainly a lot simpler.
“Hello,” I answered the phone.