“Why not? Children aren’t awake all the time. We could take turns. You have to admit that having an extra pair of hands would make things easier.”
“Neither one of us knows very much about caring for a toddler.”
“We have Rebecca.”
Julia laughed. “Rebecca is wonderful, but she’s our housekeeper, not a nanny. Her kids are grown up. I don’t think she’d want to help us with a child.”
“I think you’d be surprised if you asked her. She’s already volunteered to help more when we have a baby.”
Julia pulled away from him. “You’ve spoken to her about this?”
He held his hands up. “No. But before we were married, she mentioned that she hoped she’d be with us for a long time, long enough to see us start a family.”
He frowned. “I’m not the enemy, Julianne. I’m not constantly looking for ways to sabotage your education. Or your life.”
She ducked her head. “I’m sorry. I feel as if the slightest disturbance will cause me to lose my focus and I’ll flunk.”
“I think that’s the most honest thing you’ve said about your program.”
She lifted her face, eyes narrowing. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means, darling, that you’re worried about failing. Even though so many people are eager to support and help you. Including me and Rebecca.”
She started to protest, but he interrupted.
“Anxiety over starting a family is legitimate. But I think you’d be anxious about your program anyway. That has more to do with how you see yourself than how you see the program.”
Julia’s eyes widened.
“I—that’s not true.”
“It is. I know, I felt the same way when I was at Harvard. I think anyone who has an accurate sense of self has the same concern.” He moved his hand to the back of her neck, urging her forward. “You can do it, Julianne. I believe in you.”
Tears pricked at the back of her eyes and she found herself in his arms, clutching him tightly.
He moved his mouth to her ear.
“I’d like to take Maria home with us. I’d like to take all the kids home with us. But this thing with Harvard is something you need to deal with on your own.”
“Is that why you won’t tell me what’s troubling you?”
Gabriel exhaled loudly.
“No. I’m still working things out in my mind.”
“Without me.”
“I’ll share it with you eventually. As I said in Umbria, I won’t do anything without discussing it with you first. I just need some time.”
She shook her head but elected not to argue with him.
“Will you continue your work with the Italian Home for Children?”
“Yes. They need me, of course, and I’ve promised the students that if they graduate high school with an excellent grade point average that I’ll send them to Italy.”
“You’re already changing the lives of children. You should be proud of yourself.”
He gave her a half-smile. “Are you sure you aren’t ready for adoption? We’d love her.”
His eyes were dark with emotion.
Julia thought back to what she’d seen that day—the way Gabriel was with Maria and the other children. At that moment, Julia truly wanted to give him what he was asking for. But she knew it was wrong.
“We would. But if we love her, we need to do what’s best for her. And that’s probably finding a local family. Not two American newlyweds who don’t know what they’re doing. You’d have to give up smoking.”
“That isn’t a problem.” He looked at her carefully. “You’re worried about the drugs, aren’t you?”
She squirmed and he frowned at her.
“You don’t seem to have a lot of confidence in me.”
“I have every confidence in you. But you have to remember that I watched my mother relapse more than once.”
He disentangled himself from her arms. “Well, I’m not going to relapse.”
“Good.”
“Maybe we should talk about your own relapses. Just last month you were struggling with something and you turned to Paul.”
Julia’s brown eyes flashed. “You don’t get to throw that back in my face. I apologized, remember?”
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” he said stiffly.
“Are we having an honest and open conversation? Or are you trying to manipulate me?”
Gabriel glared. “We’re having an honest and open conversation. I apologize for bringing up Paul.”
She sighed.
“I understand that it’s difficult to work with the children at the orphanage and to leave them there. I feel it too. But it isn’t in Maria’s best interest for us to take her now.”
“The orphanage is good, but it isn’t the same thing as having a family.”
“Which is exactly why we shouldn’t take her.”
Gabriel moved to his feet. “That is not the Julianne I know speaking.”
“Oh, yes it is.” She stood in front of him.
“The Julianne I know would give the clothes off her back to a homeless person.”
She took a step closer, her face flushed with anger.
“I would give the clothes off my back for Maria. But I want her to be with a family who are stable and experienced when it comes to children. She’s been traumatized. Taking her to a place where she doesn’t know the language, away from her city and her friends, would only upset her. We’d be hurting, not helping. And I won’t let you do that. And I don’t care if you think that I’m being a coldhearted bitch or whatever the hell you have running through your mind.”
She gave him a reproachful look before retreating to the bedroom.
“Fuck!” he shouted, picking up her glass of water and throwing it.
The glass shattered against the floor of the terrace.
From a distance, Gabriel heard the door to the bathroom slam shut.
He placed his hands on the balcony, leaning against the edge, and hung his head.
Chapter Thirty-four
August 2011
Washington, D.C.
Senator Talbot’s son Simon stood to his feet and quickly pulled on his jeans.
“Where’s my shirt?” He looked in vain for the light blue polo that perfectly matched the color of his eyes.
“It’s on the chair.” His girlfriend, Natalie, sat up, not bothering to clutch the sheet to her chest.
As usual, his eyes dropped to her breasts, which had been surgically enhanced the year previous. He placed a knee on the bed.
“God, I’m glad I bought these.” He dropped his head and drew one of her nipples into his mouth, sucking it strongly before biting with his teeth.
“Come on.” She reached out to palm him through his jeans, but he pulled back.
“I have to go. I’ll call you.” He located his shirt and pulled it over his head before hastily retrieving his shoes and socks.
“When will I see you?” She knelt behind him and pressed her lips to his neck. With a single finger, she traced his jaw, gliding over the scars that were the result of his one and only violent encounter with Gabriel Emerson.
He shook her off. “Stop that.”
“I’m sorry.” She sat back on her heels repentantly. “No one notices them. I think they make you look rugged.”
He turned, his eyes glacial pools.
She tilted her head to one side. “When will I see you?”
“Not for a while.”
“Why not?”
“We need to cool off.”
“But things have been going well. I work for your father now, for God’s sake.”
“And I told him we were casual. That was his condition for hiring you. I can’t be seen going in and out of your apartment anymore. Peop
le are watching.”
“Then we can meet at a hotel.” She reached for him but caught only air.
Simon walked toward the bedroom door. “He wants me to take Senator Hudson’s daughter to dinner.”
“What?” She leapt from the bed. She stood in front of him, naked, her green eyes sparking with anger and her long, red hair a riotous mess.
Simon placed one of his hands on the back of her neck.
“Don’t get hysterical.”
She shivered at the coldness of his voice. “I won’t. I’m sorry.”
He stroked his thumb along the curve of her neck.
“Good. Because I don’t like it when you get hysterical.”
He dropped his hand to her ass.
“It’s just dinner. She finished her junior year at Duke and she’s here for the summer. I’m going to take her out and, hopefully, persuade her to put a good word in for my dad with her father. We could use his endorsement.”
“Are you going to fuck her?”
Simon snorted. “Are you kidding? She’s a virgin. I had enough of that shit dealing with Julia.”
Natalie wrinkled her nose at the mention of her former roommate.
“What makes you think the Hudson girl is a virgin?”
“Her family is religious. They’re from the South. It’s a guess.”
“Religion didn’t keep Jules from going down on you.” Natalie crossed her arms in front of her.
“Keep your mouth shut about Julia. I don’t need her asshole boyfriend fucking things up for me.”
“He’s her asshole husband now.”
“I don’t care what he is. You know the score.” Simon pulled her closer. “Don’t bring them up again.”
“How do you think I feel? My boyfriend is being set up with another goody two-shoes because his father thinks I’m a whore.”
Simon gripped her ass with both hands.
“We’re finally getting what we want. We just need to wait until after the election.”
“Oh, I can be patient.” She dropped to her knees in front of him, quickly freeing him from the confines of his jeans. “But I think you need a reminder of who you’re walking out on.”
Chapter Thirty-five
Florence, Italy
Gabriel smoked a lonely cigarette out on the terrace, staring at the shards of a broken water glass. He’d upset Julianne.
She’d seen him throw things before. He’d murdered her old cell phone when that motherfucker Simon called her.
Gabriel inhaled, drawing the air deep into his lungs before exhaling through his nostrils.
He did not think of their relationship as tempestuous. Although they’d had more conflict recently. They’d fought back in Selinsgrove over her paper. They’d fought in Umbria when he’d asked about her mother and she’d told him he was mindfucking her.
Tonight they’d descended to a new low when she accused him of thinking she was a bitch. Nothing was further from the truth. He couldn’t even place the word and her name in the same sentence.
But he’d lost his temper before he had the chance to say that.
His secrets were hurting her. He knew that. But he couldn’t unburden himself until he’d found a solution. He didn’t want to appear weak and undecided, or worse, to watch her compassion change into pity. He’d rather alienate her temporarily than lose her respect.
And he hadn’t found a way forward. Not yet. He was caught between two extremes, both of which were unacceptable. At the moment he lacked the courage or the wisdom to find a middle path.
He finished his cigarette and lit another one. Perhaps he lacked both courage and wisdom.
Julianne was correct. If they adopted a child, he’d have to quit. He’d quit cigarettes before, after his stint in rehab. He could quit again.
He thought about Tom and Diane. They’d gone from the elation of discovering they were expecting to the devastation of learning that their child had a life-threatening birth defect. He couldn’t imagine how powerless they felt. He’d had a glimpse of such impotence when Paulina—
Gabriel forced himself to focus on the cigarette he held between his fingers. He couldn’t allow his mind to wander down that road. Not tonight.
He gazed at the skyline of Florence, at the tower of the Palazzo Vecchio, waiting until he was sure Julia was asleep.
He visited the bathroom, brushing his teeth and dropping his clothes to the floor. He showered quickly, knowing that she’d smell the smoke on his skin.
Naked and with damp hair, he slid between the sheets. He didn’t touch her. A quick glimpse of the bed in the lamplight revealed that she was wearing a nightgown and curled on her side, facing away from him.
Message received, sweetheart.
As he settled into bed he thought, perhaps, that he heard a murmur of distress emanating from her direction.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
When she didn’t respond, he switched off the light and turned his back to her.
It only took a moment for Julia to shift so she was spooning him from behind.
“I’m sorry, too.”
“We promised we wouldn’t go to bed angry anymore.”
“I’m not angry, Gabriel, I’m hurt.”
He reached back to grasp her wrist and pulled her arm so that it draped over his waist. “You’re right about Maria. I just wanted to do something.
“I don’t think you’re a bitch. I’d never think of you that way. You’re my beloved.”
“Then I need you to be kind to me. I have to tell you, Gabriel, this past little while has been really difficult. I don’t want our marriage to be like this.”
His body tightened.
“I’ll find a way to make it up to you. I promise.”
“I don’t want you to make it up to me. Just tell me what’s wrong.”
“I will. I promise.”
“Tell me now.” Her tone was harsh.
“Please, Julianne,” he whispered. “I’m asking you, please, to give me a little more time.”
“So you can come to some momentous decision without me?”
“I wouldn’t do anything without talking to you first. But haven’t you ever been worried about something and tried to figure out how to deal with it? You can’t exactly make those decisions for me.” He shook his head. “I’m asking you, Julianne, to have a little compassion.”
She searched his eyes and found nothing insincere in them.
“I can give you a little more time. But I want you to call Dr. Townsend.”
Gabriel opened his mouth to protest but was interrupted.
“I won’t accept your refusal. Either tell me what’s troubling you, or tell him. But for both our sakes, Gabriel, tell someone.”
With a deep exhalation, he nodded.
Gabriel was awake before sunrise and quit the suite before Julianne awoke. Though it pained him to leave the warmth of her embrace, he was on a mission. The sooner he gathered the information he needed, the closer he would be to a solution.
(Or so he hoped.)
That afternoon, he had an important meeting scheduled with his old friend, Dottore Vitali, the director of the Uffizi Gallery. Now Gabriel was more determined than ever to show his wife how much he loved her. And to do so publicly.
As he exited the hotel, he reflected on the fact that he preferred Florence in the morning—the quiet of the streets before the city shook off its slumber.
He stopped at the café at the Gucci Museum in Piazza della Signoria and bought an espresso and a sweet roll. He enjoyed his breakfast outside, along with his newspaper, La Nazione, biding his time until he could call for Elena at the orphanage.
At ten o’clock, he rang the doorbell. Elena was surprised to see him and even more surprised when he revealed the reason for his visit.
She than
ked him for his concern for Maria and suggested that if he wanted to help, he could assist in covering the costs for the therapist she was seeing in an effort to help her recover her speech.
When Gabriel raised the subject of adoption, Elena quickly explained that adopting a child in Italy could be difficult. Only married couples were permitted to adopt, and they must have been married for at least three years. Even if he and Julianne had decided to adopt Maria, the Italian government wouldn’t let them.
Gabriel left the orphanage duly chastened, but not without making a substantial donation to cover Maria’s expenses. He made it clear that Elena was to contact him if any needs arose.
Lost in thought, he wandered to a café at Santa Croce. Instead of watching the beautiful women walk by, he made a few phone calls, prevailing upon Florence’s finer families to consider supporting the orphanage through foster care or adoption.
Reactions were mixed. Everyone was willing to part with their money for charity, but not a single couple would agree to become foster parents. Adoption was absolutely out of the question.
Once again, Gabriel was confronted with the lavishness of grace as he contemplated all the reasons why Richard and Grace could have said no to adopting him, but didn’t.
Julianne awoke to an empty bed and a quiet hotel room. But Gabriel had left a glass of water on the nightstand, along with a note,
Darling,
I’ve gone to run errands.
I’ll be back in time to get ready for the exhibition opening tonight.
I love you,
And I like my body when it is with your body,
G.
On the back of the note, Gabriel had transcribed a poem by e. e. cummings: “i like my body when it is with your.”
Julia read and reread the poem, wondering what Gabriel’s errands were.
In truth, she felt guilty. Gabriel was correct—Maria needed a family to love and care for her. Julia could see why Gabriel was drawn to her.
As all the anxiety about graduate school and her career washed over her, she couldn’t shake the suspicion that she was being selfish by valuing her education over the welfare of a child.