When everyone was admiring their gifts and drinking egg nog, Rachel plunked the last present on Gabriel’s lap. “This arrived for you this morning.”
“Who is it from?” He eyed it in confusion.
“I don’t know.”
Gabriel gave Julia a hopeful look, but she shook her head.
Eager to uncover the mystery, he began to rip off the wrapping paper. He slid his fingers in between the cover of the white box and its bottom, separating the two, lifted the lid of the box carefully, and peeled back the layers of white tissue paper.
Before anyone could see what he’d uncovered, he shoved the box aside, springing to his feet. Without a word, he strode quickly to the back door, slamming it behind him.
“What was it?” Scott’s voice broke the silence.
Aaron, who witnessed what had just transpired from the hallway, entered the room. “I bet it’s from his ex. I’d lay money on it.”
Julia stumbled to the kitchen and across the back porch, following her lover’s retreating form.
“Gabriel? Gabriel! Wait.”
Large, fat snowflakes fell like feathers from the sky, blanketing the grass and trees in cold whiteness. She shivered.
“Gabriel!”
He disappeared into the woods without a backward glance.
She hastened her pace. If she lost sight of him she’d have to return to the house. She wouldn’t risk being lost in the woods again without a coat. Or a map.
She began to panic, remembering her recurrent nightmare about being trapped in the woods, alone. “Gabriel! Slow down.”
Pushing her way into the trees, she traveled a few feet before she saw him, pausing in front of a tall pine.
“Go back to the house.” The arctic tone of his voice matched the falling snow.
“I’m not leaving you.”
She walked a few more steps. At the sound of her approach, he turned around. He was clad in a suit and tie, wearing expensive Italian shoes that were now ruined.
One of her high heels caught on a branch, and she pitched forward, breaking her fall by clinging to the trunk of a tree.
Gabriel was at her side in an instant. “Go back to the house before you get hurt.”
“No.”
Her hair was long and curling over her shoulders, arms now crossed in front of her chest because of the cold. A light dusting of white covered her head and her plum dress.
She looked like a snow angel—a figure one might find in a fairy tale or a snow globe, the dancing flakes hovering around her like friends. He was reminded of the time he surprised her in his library carrel and a ream of paper had been tossed into the air, falling all around her.
“Beautiful.” He was momentarily distracted by the sight of her. The warmth of his mouth caused his words to form clouds in the air between them.
She held out her pink and naked hand. “Come back with me.”
“She’s never going to let me go.”
“Who?”
“Paulina.”
“She needs to start a new life. She needs your help.”
“Help?” He glared at her. “You want me to help her? After she got on her knees and tried to take my pants down?”
“What?”
He clenched his teeth, cursing his own stupidity. “Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me!”
“It was a desperate attempt by a desperate woman.”
“Did you say no?”
“Of course! What do you take me for?” His eyes flamed a dangerous blue.
“Were you surprised?”
A muscle jumped in his jaw. “No.”
Julia closed her hands so tightly her nails dug into her palms. “Why?”
Gabriel glanced at the trees behind her, unwilling to answer her question.
“Why weren’t you surprised?” she repeated, her voice growing louder.
“Because this is what she does.”
“Does or did?”
“What’s the difference?” he snapped.
Julia’s eyes narrowed. “If I have to explain it to you, then we are more damaged than I thought.”
He didn’t want to answer her. His recalcitrance was telegraphed by his eyes, his face, even his body.
She gave him a piercing stare.
Gabriel’s eyes flickered over her shoulder, into the distance, almost as if he were looking for an escape. Then he looked at her again.
“She’d show up on occasion and we’d…” His voice trailed off.
Julia felt ill. She screwed her eyes shut. “When I asked if Paulina was your mistress, you said no.”
“She was never my mistress.”
Julia’s eyes flew open. “Don’t play word games with me! Especially about your fuck buddies.”
He ground his teeth together. “That’s beneath you, Julianne.”
She laughed without amusement. “Oh, yes. It’s beneath me to tell the truth. But you can lie through your teeth!”
“I never lied to you about Paulina.”
“Yes, you did. No wonder you were so angry when I called her your fuck buddy in the Dante seminar. I was right.” Julia gave him a shattered look. “Were you with her in your bed? In the bed we slept in together?”
Gabriel lowered his eyes.
She began to back away from him. “I am so angry with you right now, I don’t know what to say.”
“I’m sorry.”
“That isn’t good enough,” she called, walking away from him. “When was the last time you slept with her?”
He followed her quickly, reaching out to grasp her arm.
“Don’t touch me!” She pulled back, stumbling over a tree root.
Gabriel caught her before she fell. “Just wait a minute, okay? Give me a chance to explain.” Satisfied that she was on surer footing, he released her.
“When I met you in September, things with Paulina had ended. I hadn’t been with her since last December, when I told her that we needed to stop once and for all.”
“You led me to believe that you ended things with her at Harvard. Do you have any idea how much this hurts? Do you have any idea how stupid this makes me feel? She traipses into your parents’ house as if she belongs there—as if I’m the fuck buddy. And no wonder! You’ve been sleeping with her for years.”
Gabriel shifted his shoes in the snow. “I was trying to protect you.”
“Tread very carefully, Gabriel. Tread very, very carefully.”
He froze. He’d never heard her use that tone before. All at once, he felt himself losing her. The mere idea was crippling.
He began speaking very quickly. “We only saw each other once or twice a year. As I said, I haven’t been with her since last December.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Did you expect me to catalogue each and every sexual encounter I’ve ever had? I told you I had a past.”
Gabriel’s eyes met hers. He held her gaze, taking a tenuous step forward.
“Do you remember the night I told you about Maia?”
“Yes.”
“You told me I could find forgiveness. I wanted to believe you. I thought if I told you how I gave in to Paulina again and again, I’d lose you.” He cleared his throat. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Are you lying to me now?”
“No.”
Her expression was skeptical. “Do you love her?”
“Of course not.” He took another cautious step in her direction, but she held her hand up.
“So you slept with her for years—after you made a child with her and she had a nervous breakdown—but you didn’t love her?”
His lips thinned. “No.”
He saw tears shimmering in her big, dark eyes and watched as she fought them, her pretty face marred with sadness. He closed the distance between them, removing his suit jacket and tenderly placing it around her shoulders.
“You’ll catch pneumonia. You should go back to the house.”
She clutched his jacket, bringing the lapels up to her neck.
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“She was Maia’s mother,” Julia whispered. “And look how you treated her.”
Gabriel stiffened. Maia’s mother.
Julia and Gabriel stood silently, noticing briefly that the snow had ceased falling.
“When were you going to tell me?”
Gabriel hesitated, his heart beating a furious tattoo in his chest. He wasn’t entirely sure what he would say until the words escaped his lips.
“I wasn’t.”
She turned around and began to walk in the direction she thought would lead back to the house.
“Julia, wait!” He came after her, tugging at her arm.
“I told you not to touch me!” She pulled her arm back, glaring at him furiously.
“You made it clear that you didn’t want to know the details of what I was like before we met. You said you forgave me.”
“I did.”
“You knew I was lustful,” he reproved her, softly.
“Clearly, I thought there were limits.”
Gabriel recoiled, for her remark had cut him. “I deserved that,” he said, the temperature of his voice rivaling that of the snow on the ground. “I didn’t tell you everything and I should have.”
“Was the Christmas gift from her?”
“Yes.”
“What was it?”
Gabriel’s shoulders slumped. “An ultrasound picture.”
Julia inhaled roughly, making a wheezing sound as the bracing winter air filled her lungs. “Why would she do such a thing?”
“Paulina assumes I’ve kept everything secret. She’s right, of course, when it comes to my siblings. But she assumes I haven’t told you. This was her way of ensuring I did.”
“You used her.” Julia’s teeth began chattering. “No wonder she won’t let you go. You fed her with scraps, like a dog. Would you treat me like that?”
“Never. I know that I treated Paulina abominably. But that doesn’t give her the right to hurt you. You’re innocent in all of this.”
“You misled me.”
“Yes. Yes, I did. Can you forgive me?”
Julia was quiet for a moment, rubbing her hands together against the cold. “Have you ever asked Paulina to forgive you?”
Gabriel shook his head.
“You toyed with her heart. I know what that’s like. I can have compassion for her because of that.”
“I met you first,” he whispered.
“That doesn’t give you license to be cruel.” Julia coughed a little as the cold air burned her throat.
He pressed a light hand to her shoulder. “Please go back. You’re cold.”
She turned to leave and Gabriel reached out to catch her hand.
“I felt something for her, but it wasn’t love. There was guilt and lust, and some affection, but never love.”
“What will you do now?”
He wrapped his arm around her waist, drawing her into his side. “I’ll resist the urge to react to the present she left and try my damnedest to make things up to you. You’re who I want. I’m so sorry to have injured you.”
“Maybe you’ll change your mind.”
He held her more tightly, his expression fierce. “You’re the only one I have ever loved.”
When Julia didn’t respond, he began walking with her toward the house. “I would never be unfaithful, I swear it. As far as what Paulina tried to do yesterday…” He squeezed her waist. “There was a time when I could have been led astray. But that was before I found you. I would rather spend the rest of my life drinking your love, damned emptying all the oceans of the world.”
“Your promises are meaningless when they aren’t accompanied by honesty. I asked if she was your mistress, and you played a word game with me.”
He grimaced. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“You’ll tire of me eventually. And when you do, you’ll go back to what’s familiar.”
Gabriel stopped. He turned to face her. “Paulina was never familiar. We have a history, but we were never compatible. And we were never good for each other.”
Julia simply stared at him skeptically.
“I wandered in the darkness looking for something better, something real. I found you, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose you.”
She looked away, surveying the trees and the path she thought led to the orchard. “Men get bored.”
“Only if they’re stupid.”
His eyes were dark, narrowed with concern and worry. He blinked a little under her gaze, before frowning. “Do you think that Richard would have cheated on Grace?”
“Of course not.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s a good man. Because he loved her.”
“I make no claim to being a good man, Julia. But I love you. I’m not going to cheat.”
She was quiet for a moment. “I’m not so wounded that I can’t say no to you.”
“I never said you weren’t.” Gabriel looked grim.
“I’m saying no to you now. If you lie to me again, it will be the last time.” Her voice held a warning.
“I promise.”
She exhaled slowly, unclenching her fists.
“I won’t sleep with you in the bed you shared with her.”
“I’ll have everything redone before we return to Toronto. I’ll sell the damn place, if you want.”
She pursed her lips. “I’m not asking you to sell your apartment.”
“Then forgive me,” he whispered. “Give me a chance to show you that I am worthy of your trust.”
She hesitated.
He stepped toward her and took her in his arms. She accepted him reluctantly, and they stood under the falling snow, in a darkening wood.
Chapter 12
Late that evening Gabriel and Julia sat together in their pajamas on the floor next to their Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Julia encouraged Gabriel to open Paulina’s gift, so all the secrets could be revealed. He didn’t want to do it, but for Julia’s sake, he did.
He picked up the ultrasound picture in his hand and grimaced. Julia whispered a request to look at it, and he gave it to her with a sigh.
“This picture can’t hurt you. Even if Rachel and Scott found out, they would be sympathetic.” She traced a finger across the curve of the baby’s little head. “You could keep this somewhere private, but she shouldn’t be kept in a box. She had a name. She deserves to be remembered.”
Gabriel placed his head in his hands. “You don’t think it’s morbid?”
“I don’t think there’s anything morbid about babies. Maia was your daughter. Paulina meant this picture to hurt you, but really, it’s a gift. You should have this picture. You’re her father.”
Gabriel was too choked up to respond. To distract himself, he placed the rest of Paulina’s gifts by the door. He was returning them to her as soon as possible.
Julia followed him. “I look forward to wearing your Christmas gift.” She pointed toward the black corset and shoes that were still sitting in their box under the tree.
“You do?”
“I’ll have to give myself a pep talk first, but I think it’s feminine and very pretty. I love the shoes. Thank you.”
Gabriel’s shoulders relaxed. He wanted to ask her to try his gifts on. He wanted to see her in those shoes—perhaps perched atop the bathroom counter with him between her legs—but he kept his desires to himself.
“Um, I need to explain something.” Julia took his hand, weaving their fingers together. “I can’t wear it tonight.”
“I’m sure that after the past two days wearing something like that would be the last thing you’d want to do.” Gabriel stroked the back of her hand with his thumb. “Especially with me.”
“It will be a little while before I can wear it.”
“I understand.” He began to extricate his fingers.
“I tried to explain this to you last night but, uh, I didn’t quite finish.”
He stilled.
“Um, I’
m having my period.”
Gabriel’s mouth dropped open slightly. Then he closed it. He pulled her into his arms, embracing her warmly.
“That wasn’t the reaction I was expecting.” Julia’s voice was muffled by his chest. “Maybe you didn’t hear me?”
“So last night—it wasn’t because you didn’t want me?”
She pulled back in surprise. “I’m still upset about what happened with Paulina, but of course I want you. You always make me feel special when we make love. Right now, I’m not going to go there. Or actually, have you go there. Uh, you know what I mean.” She grew flustered.
Heaving a sigh of relief, Gabriel kissed her forehead. “I have other plans for you.”
He led her by the hand to the spacious washroom, pausing to press play on the stereo. The strains of Sting’s “Until” began to fill the room as they disappeared through the door.
* * *
Paulina sat up, wide-awake in a strange bed in Toronto, covered in a cold sweat. No amount of repetition made the dream vary in its events or its terror. No amount of vodka or pills could remove the ache in her chest or the tears from her eyes.
She reached for the bottle by the bed, knocking the hotel’s alarm clock off the nightstand. A few shots and a few small, blue pills and she would fall asleep again, letting the darkness take her.
She could not be comforted. Other women could have a second child to assuage the loss of their first. But she would never bear a child. And the father of her lost baby no longer wanted her.
He was the only man she’d ever loved, and she’d loved him from afar and then she’d loved him close by, but he’d never loved her. Not really. But he was too noble to cast her off like the used piece of goods she was.
As she sobbed into her pillow, her head spinning, she mourned a double loss aloud—
Maia.
Gabriel…
Chapter 13
Professor Giuseppe Pacciani wasn’t virtuous, but he was clever. He didn’t believe Christa Peterson when she declared that she was willing to meet him for a sexual rendezvous. In order to ensure that their liaison actually happened, he withheld the name of Professor Emerson’s Canadian fidanzata on condition that Christa meet him in Madrid in February.