“Lunch?” I ask.
“Sure. Just let me stop by my locker.”
“Not a problem.”
I tell myself it’s for his benefit that I follow him around the corner; he’s situated in the opposite corner of the school from me. He stows his backpack, then turns. “Ready.”
Today I banked that he wouldn’t have anything with him, so I packed enough food for two. I get the feeling his dad is so underwater with medical bills that he’s not sending much living allowance. That would be why Shane’s perpetually hungry. I stop at my locker, too, on the way to the lunchroom. When we walk in, Theo waves, like he was watching for me.
“Friend of yours?” Shane asks.
“Not exactly. He’s the kid we sat with the other day.”
“Oh, right. Seems like he’s into you.”
“Maybe.” I suspect it’s more that he enjoys the attention they’re getting due to our presence at their table.
At the moment, people are talking about Ryan and me, Lila and me. The lesbian rumor seems to be dying out, at least. Soon, somebody will get drunk or pregnant, crash a car or steal one, and then that’ll be the new focus. It can’t come soon enough for me. I head over, smiling, and the girls, at least, seem truly happy to see me. I introduce Shane to Kimmy, Mel, and Shanna. He’s polite, but I see he’s feeling a bit WTF about the whole thing. As he said, his master plan was to lay low, write songs, and get out of school unnoticed. Between Dylan Smith and me, that’s becoming impossible. I can’t control Dylan, but I’m not letting him pick on Shane anymore if there’s anything I can do about it. And I do have one card to play but I’d rather not, unless he forces me to it. We’ll see.
I set lunch on the table, daring him to protest when I portion out his half. Today it’s apple raisin salad, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, carrot sticks, and two brownies. He doesn’t protest in front of the sophomores; they’re talking about a movie they’re seeing this weekend. When Lila joins us a few minutes later, followed by Tara and Kenny, Shane’s mouth quirks into an adorable smile.
I see why he’s amused. Our table doesn’t have a single free seat, and it’s heretical in that it has freshmen, sophomores, and juniors all mixed up. We don’t have any seniors; we’re not that cool, but we’re the most integrated of the lunch crowd. By comparison, Ryan’s table looks a little sparse.
“I’m Lila,” she says, taking a bite of what passes for an enchilada in this school.
Oops. I should probably have done that myself. If I’m honest, maybe I didn’t want to because she’s pretty striking. I’m happy when he doesn’t seem wowed; he’s low-level friendly, nothing else. Let’s see, Shane met Tara and Kenny at Green World, so that’s handled. Part of me wishes I had him to myself, but this is better. The more people know who he is, the less likely the jocks can get away with harassing him.
“I’m pretty excited about the cleanup tonight,” Tara says.
By looking at her, you’d never guess; you’d think she’s afraid to get her hands dirty. Her nails are always perfectly manicured, and you can tell her family has money, so I find her participation in Green World fascinating. Past experience with rich kids tells me most of them are spoiled and don’t care about giving back. Today, her designer outfit is pristine; she’s spent hours on her personal grooming. Tara is pretty, but she wears more makeup than she needs. I saw her without it once, and her mahogany skin is flawless.
Kenny, on the other hand, is a total gamer geek. All of his clothing has the logo of some game franchise, and he never goes without his Mario hat. He’s also got a crush on Tara the size of Texas, which explains his interest in the environment.
“What cleanup?” Theo asks.
I glance at Shane. This is a chance to evangelize, but he might think I’m weird. Then I remember that he’s already been to one of our meetings. It’s not like this information will surprise him, so I explain the purpose of the group. By the time I finish, the sophomores look interested.
Mel asks, “Is it something that would help on a college app?”
“Absolutely.” I’m smiling.
“What time today and where?” Kimmy wants to know.
Wow, did I just recruit four new members? The flyers I posted at the start of school got defaced and torn up. Until now, I’d considered ditching tonight’s cleanup, though it was my idea. Frowning, I abandon that plan; it’s chicken, and as long as there are other people around, there will be a buffer between Ryan and me. I can do this. I will do this.
“I can help,” Lila says unexpectedly.
“That would rock. We’ll get done a lot faster with more bodies.”
“Anything for my college app,” she mutters, like she’s embarrassed to be seen caring.
I write down the place and time in a grid I draw in my notebook, then fold the paper until it tears neatly into multiple squares. When I glance up, Shane is watching me with a riveted expression, a carrot stick hovering halfway to his mouth. I want to say, What? But that will ruin the moment because he’s not going to tell me what he’s thinking with everyone else sitting here.
Friend. He needs a friend. Well, I’m doing my best to surround him with people.
I summarize the plan and add, “If you can’t get a hold of biodegradable trash bags, that’s all right. I have extras.”
“Of course you do,” Lila says, grinning. “I bet you were adorable riding in with all the boxes balanced on your bike.”
I glare at her. “Hey, that was not easy.”
“I’m not mocking you, Princess. I like your determination. It’s … odd.” That shouldn’t sound complimentary, but somehow, between her warm eyes and her sincere smile, it does.
The remainder of lunch is spent on logistics with the sophomores texting their parents to explain they’ve gotten involved in a community cleanup project and will need rides later. Shane doesn’t say much, nor does he volunteer to help. I’m a little sad about that. But he does walk me to my locker.
“Why did she call you ‘princess’?”
Awesome. Sighing, I mumble an explanation about the nickname and conclude, “So yeah, the Post-its. I should probably stop with that.”
People whose names I don’t remember wave to me as I go down the hall. This is strange. I mean, the ones I’ve tried to cheer up have always acted quietly pleased, but they never go out of their way when they see me. What’s changed?
Before I can puzzle on that too long, Shane says, “I hope you don’t.”
Huh. Ryan always found it silly and slightly embarrassing. I mean, not enough to complain about it, but he also never got the point; he told me once it was a huge waste of time and paper. Obviously I disagree.
“Unlikely,” I say, smiling as I parrot his word back to him.
“Cute. Uh. I’d like to come tonight if you could use another pair of hands.”
“Wear gloves,” I say, touching his fingers. “These are guitar-playing gold.”
His smile melts me. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“But I thought you weren’t interested in coming to another meeting?”
“That was before I realized how relentless you are.”
My cheeks flush, burning with heat. I can’t meet his gaze, so I stare at his battered army boots instead; yeah, these are totally tan. “I told you I was sorry about that.”
“Hey.” He tips my face up with warm fingers, and for a crazy moment, I think he might kiss me. “I was kidding. I mean, you are hyper-focused, but not in a bad way. I probably need someone who won’t let me hide.” Shane runs his other hand through his tousled curls. “God, somehow you got my life story out of me in one afternoon. I never … I don’t talk to people like that. I just don’t.”
I didn’t even realize it was rare; that’s how right it felt. But maybe he needed to open up … and I was there. Could’ve been timing more than anything to do with me. Still, the glow of satisfaction starts in my toes and radiates all the way up to my neck. I’ve never felt this way before, not this exact combinati
on of giddiness and abject terror.
Shane drops me at my classroom, then takes off for his. Down the hall, I see Dylan and crew lying in wait, but Shane’s smart this time. He spots Mr. Johannes walking ahead and falls into step with him. I can’t hear what they’re talking about, but he’ll get to class without being harassed.
Chemistry is boring but bearable, and luckily, Ryan is all business this time, though at the end of the period, he asks, “Are you coming to the cleanup?”
“Of course. It was my idea.”
“I’m glad.” That’s all he says, but there’s more trembling on the tip of his tongue. He swallows it as I pack up my things and hurry toward the door.
“Sage.” It’s the science teacher, who I never call Tom.
“Yes, sir?”
“I just wanted to tell you I’ve noticed an improvement in your participation in the experiments. Your grade will reflect the additional effort.”
I smile at him. “Thanks.”
“Carry on.”
To my surprise, Shane is already waiting for me outside chemistry. That’s … unprecedented. He must’ve persuaded his teacher to let him out a few minutes early; that’s some impressive smooth talking. God, I hope I’m not beaming the way I feel.
“You can’t continue feeding me every day,” he says.
Wow, not what I’m expecting.
He goes on, “I don’t want you to see me as a stray dog.”
“I don’t!”
“Well, you’re always feeding me. It’s nice, but … things will pick up. Dad’s paying on the hospital bills, and I’m looking for work to help with my daily living expenses.”
“Maybe I can help you find something.”
A frown knits his brows together. “Don’t worry about it, I can handle my own business.”
“But—”
“You can be annoyingly persistent, you know that?” Yeah, he’s aggravated.
I can’t just drop it, though. Seeing Shane now reminds me of when things were the worst for me. My skin itches over at the idea of offering the same indifference I got.
“I’ve kind of been there,” I explain quietly. “I wasn’t old enough to work, but it would’ve been nice if somebody … cared.”
Shane sighs, but there’s a faint softening to his impatience. “Fine.”
“Is there any kind of work you won’t do?” Relief brightens my voice.
He shakes his head. “I can’t afford to be picky. I’d like to buy some groceries.”
“Don’t you get lonely out there?” I ask.
The pause tells me he’s thinking about his answer as we walk. Finally he says, “I’ve been alone a long time. Lately I just have time to notice.”
I guess he means his mom wasn’t much company toward the end and he was run ragged taking care of her. He doesn’t seem to be angry, not like I was. Or maybe he burned it out back in Michigan City when he was staying with his mom’s friend. I ponder whether this guy was her boyfriend, if he loved her after her husband left. It would take a lot of courage, I decide, to fall for someone you know will leave you, sooner rather than later.
He adds, “That’s why I was in the library the other night. I wanted to be near people. It’s really quiet out in the country at night. And, yeah…” His voice drops. “Lonely.”
That feels like big admission. Warmth swells in my chest over the fact that he trusted me with it. As I recall, he was hiding in an upstairs conference room for privacy, but I understand what he’s saying. It’s different knowing folks are nearby, even if they’re not in the room with you. That trailer in the middle of nowhere must be super-creepy at night. And that’s the difference between an empty home and one that houses somebody who loves you.
I nod. “Do you know where we’re going?”
“Not exactly.”
“You can come with me.” Then I realize I have the same problem that I had getting a frap with Lila the other day. I have a bike; Shane does not. So I make the ultimate sacrifice. “Do you know how to ride?”
“A bike?” He looks at me like I’m crazy. “Well, yeah.”
“Sweet. Then we can double up. We’re going to a vacant lot downtown, not too far. I hope you have good balance.”
“I don’t trip over my own feet. Generally.”
“How do you get to school?” I ask.
“Bus, usually. But if I stick around to do something in town and miss it, then I walk.”
“That must take forever,” I observe.
“It’s not so bad.”
“So I’ll meet you outside after school?”
Shane nods. He drops me at my next class, and I spend the next two hours daydreaming. If there was a quiz in econ, I don’t remember. I hope I didn’t write my name on a blank paper. I join the throng streaming toward the front doors. Do I need anything from my locker? Trash bags. So I stop, load up, then head out. The crowd has thinned a little by the time I get outside.
Shane’s already waiting for me. I could so get used to this. “Hey. You ready?” I ask.
“Yeah. I can’t wait to go serve the community.”
“Hey.” I aim an admonishing finger at him. “Caring’s cool.”
He laughs, as I intend him to. Trying to act like I’m not nervous, I climb on the bike first and take the seat. Shane’s obviously done this before, as he swings on and pushes into motion. I hang on to his waist, trying not to stare at his butt as he pedals. Okay, that’s a lie. I’m totally looking. My backpack, stuffed with biodegradable trash bags, wobbles madly until I’m afraid we’ll tip. We’re both cracking up by the time we arrive at the lot, but he’s not even out of breath.
“I haven’t done that since junior high,” he says.
“I never have.”
And I thought I never would.
Normal pleasures like this are reserved for girls without a shadow staring back at them in the mirror. But whether I deserve this or not, I don’t care. It’s too sweet to stop.
CHAPTER TEN
Shane helps me off the bike, and I’m pretty sure I’m not imagining the intensity as he gazes into my eyes. We’re having a moment.
Which is promptly interrupted by Gwen blowing a whistle. “Awesome, everyone’s here. I’m dividing you up into pairs, and the team who fills the most bags wins a ten-dollar gift certificate from the Coffee Shop.”
She points at people seemingly at random, and I end up with Lila. I’m not sad about it. This gives me a chance to recover from riding behind Shane. At this point, I suspect Gwen of being the devil because she puts Shane with Ryan. The four sophomores are paired among themselves, which leaves Tara with Conrad, who looks more than usually stoned. Gwen gets Kenny, and the moment he finds out he’s not working with Tara, he exhales a sigh audible all the way over here. I think Gwen crushed his dreams.
Lila nudges me, a grin slowly spreading. “You and New Kid, huh? That was fast.”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You let him ride your bike.” Somehow she makes this sound absolutely filthy. “I bet Ryan never did.”
As a matter of fact, she’s right, but mostly because he’s uncoordinated. Most guys eventually master their arms and legs, but he’s still struggling. I used to find his awkwardness adorable. Cassie probably did, too. I wish I didn’t feel bitter, but last year, I had such a crush on him, after his dorkiness crossed some kind of line until he was cool. The hours I spent wondering why he didn’t see me that way … I shake my head and sigh.
“Shut up,” I mumble.
“Are you blushing? Oh my God, you’re totally blushing.”
“Pick up some trash already.” I curse my fair complexion.
In the sun, I don’t tan. Ever. With enough exposure to daylight, I will freckle over every inch of my body. Since I worked inside most of the summer, I’ve got them down to a sprinkling on my cheeks and shoulders. It’s bright today, though, so I can expect a fresh crop just in time for fall. And nothing says hot like an uneven distribution of m
elanin.
Gwen thought to bring her iPod along with a dock that has a couple of small speakers. She blasts Black Veil Brides, which is supposed to make us rock out and work faster. It actually is pretty fun. Lila and I race to see who can get the most plastic bottles. This lot is absolutely disgusting. Even if I can’t get permission to plant a garden here in the spring, just getting the trash hauled away will make a huge difference.
It takes three hours, but eventually we have eight full bags, plus some random junk. I’m amazed when a truck pulls up. Gwen grins at me. “I bothered my dad to make some calls for us. And voilà! Phil is taking everything to the junkyard today.”
“Thanks. This is really impressive,” I say.
Gwen doesn’t answer; she’s counting piles before Phil can take them. Looks like Tara and Conrad gathered the most. He punches the air when he gets his five bucks, which is basically a latte or a frap. Still, it’s better than nothing. She’s more restrained, but she beams at Kenny, who cheers up a bit beneath his drooping Mario hat.
“That’s it,” Gwen announces, then she beckons to her dad’s friend.
Ten minutes later, when the truck pulls away, the lot looks fantastic. I can imagine how the garden will look. It would be awesome if we could do three different types: herbs, vegetables, and flowers nearest the sidewalk, adding both beauty and purpose to the wasted space. There are shops to either side of the lot. I think Aunt Gabby told me there was an inn here, a long time ago, but it burned down, and nobody cared to rebuild as this isn’t a tourist destination. There’s a motel out near the freeway, but this isn’t the kind of town that gets the bed-and-breakfast crowd.
“Good start,” Conrad says in his slow, dreamy way. “But we probably need to keep an eye on the place, make sure it doesn’t get junky again before spring.”
“Seconded,” Ryan murmurs.
That’s the first thing he’s said in my hearing this afternoon. I wonder what he and Shane talked about, if anything. Lila and I kept too busy for me to stare at them, but I was tempted. Gwen makes plans for a weekly watch program, and while I register my day to walk by, I’m only half paying attention. The meeting is breaking up by the time I tune back in again.