It wasn’t until he pressed his lips to the soft, warm surface of Ari’s shaft and heard the sharp intake of breath above him that he realized the boy wasn’t willing for him to continue.
“Ari?” he looked up and saw an expression of pure panic on the boy’s face. “What—?”
But just then the lights flickered a warning and then went out for the night.
Ari stumbled in the darkness, trying to get away from the big Kindred just as he was rising from his kneeling position. She tripped on his foot in the darkness and fell forward against him, her upper chest pressing against his face. She felt a burning, stabbing pain just above her breasts and gasped, pushing away hard from Lathe.
“Ari?” His voice sounded panicked in the darkness. “Ari, are you all right? I think one of my fangs—”
“Fine, I’m fine.” Fumbling desperately, she found the door of the tiny bathroom and shut herself in it as fast as she could. At least it was light in here so she could see. Latching the door, she leaned against the small metal sink and took deep, shaky breaths, trying to calm the frantic pounding of her heart.
She couldn’t believe the solid-holo phallus her look/touch projected had stood up to Lathe’s kiss. In fact, she still wasn’t sure that it had. She had always thought the holo pseudo-skin felt too slick to be real. Had the big Kindred noticed that it felt wrong?
Lifting the long tails of the sleep shirt, she bent to study the part in question, trying to verify what Lathe had seen and felt.
The fake phallus looked real enough, she thought. It should—when she’d realized what Lathe was intent on doing, she had turned the power to her look/touch up as far as it would go. She knew it would probably deplete her already diminishing energy supply but—
The solid-hologram between her legs flickered. Then it flickered again and winked completely out of existence.
Ari’s breath caught in her throat.
Oh Goddess of Mercy, no!
Hastily she reached up to her prison ID, registering only briefly that she had a bloody gash above her breasts where Lathe’s fang had scored her. She tapped desperately at the controls of the look/touch but with absolutely no results. Upping the energy to make the solid-holo look and feel more realistic must have finally exhausted her already limited power supply.
Slowly, Ari faced the truth—the look/touch was completely dead and there was no getting it back. Her disguise was gone and now anyone who saw her naked would know she was female. Female in a prison full of female-hating murderers and rapists.
Goddess above, what was she going to do?
Thirty-One
“Ari? Ari, damn it—open up!” she heard Lathe growling from outside. He pounded urgently on the bathroom door. “Ari, you have to come out. I think one of my fangs scratched you. Did it?”
“O…only a little. I’m fine, really.” Ari was nearly panting with fear. What would the big Kindred do if he discovered her secret? She had seen how difficult it was for him to bring himself near her, believing as he did that she was male. He had forced himself to kneel before her and had even pressed his lips to the pseudo-phallus, preparing to take it in his mouth. What would he do to her when he learned that she had allowed him to endure what he would surely see as shame and degradation? What would he do to her when he found out she was a liar?
“I hate liars,” growled his deep voice in her memory. And yet, how could she keep the truth from him now? Would he toss her out to Tapper or to the lashers when he knew how she had deceived him? Would he—
“Let me see! I need to examine you now.” His tone was urgent and upset. “I mean it, Ari—a wound from a Kill-All’s fangs can be very dangerous. Open up and come out or I’m going to have to break the door down.”
The folding door rattled on its hinges and Ari knew he would make good on his threat. It probably wouldn’t take more than a minute either—the bathroom door was a poor, flimsy thing, meant more for privacy than security.
“All right,” she called, playing for time. “All right, just give me a minute, I’m coming out.”
Panic tried to eat her mind, filling her ears with a blank, buzzing static but she fought it grimly.
Think, Ari—think! What can you do?
Well, for starters she really was going to have to go out. At least it was dark outside in the main cell area, she reasoned to herself. There was a much smaller chance of Lathe seeing her without her holo-disguise in the dark cell than in the lighted bathroom.
I’ll just have to go out and try to only let him look at the part of my chest that got sliced by his fang, she told herself, taking a deep breath. Looking down at herself, she saw that the small wound was about midway between the hollow of her throat, where the prison ID was implanted, and the curving slopes of her breasts. Well, at least his fang hadn’t nicked her directly on one of her breasts—it should be possible to hide her assets if she was careful.
“Ari!” Lathe pounded on the door again. “Ari, I swear by the Goddess—”
Opening the door, Ari slipped past him into the dark and chilly cell. She made sure to shut the door behind her, leaving the room in darkness other than the weak glow in the corner.
“All right,” she said, trying to make her voice calm and even. “I’m here and I’m fine. So if you’d just stop making such a big fuss—”
But he didn’t let her finish. Before she knew what was happening, the big Kindred had swung her up into his arms and was laying her on her back on the bed.
“Stop!” Ari tried to push him away but he wouldn’t be deterred.
“Where is it? Where did I cut you?” There was panic in his deep voice.
“Here? Here, all right?” Fumbling in the dark for his hand, she put it over the small wound on her chest. “You can examine it if you want. Just don’t…don’t touch me anywhere else, all right?”
Lathe didn’t answer. Swiftly, he pressed his mouth to the small cut. First he sucked hard enough to make Ari cry out and then he lapped carefully and intently as though he was trying to seal the wound with his tongue.
It seemed to take forever. The whole time Ari lay under his muscular bulk, her arms pressed frantically to her breasts, praying that he wouldn’t try to open her shirt or touch her anywhere but her upper chest. Her thoughts were a panicked loop in her brain.
If he finds out…oh Goddess, if he finds out I’ve been lying to him…
But when he finished, the big Kindred moved off her and sat on the edge of the bunk.
“All right.” He spoke in a low voice filled with some emotion Ari couldn’t interpret. “It should be fine now. I just had to be certain you were all right—a wound from the fangs of a Kill-all can be deadly if the wrong kind of essence gets into your system. I didn’t…didn’t want anything to happen to you.”
“I…” Ari didn’t know what to say. “Um, thank you,” she whispered. Balling herself tight, she scooted to the inner edge of the bunk, putting as much distance between them as she could. Up until now, she’d been keeping the look/touch turned on low to conserve power but she had always known she could turn it up again if she had to. Now that she no longer had that option she felt vulnerable—naked in a way that had nothing to do with clothing.
“I’m sorry.” Lathe’s voice was low and rough. “Sorry if I frightened you.”
“It’s okay. You were just…just trying to heal the cut your, uh, fangs made. I understand,” Ari said.
“No, that’s not what I’m talking about.” He sighed and raked a hand through his hair. “I mean…before you went in the fresher. When I…when I kissed your shaft.”
“Oh…” Ari’s voice was tight and tense. Had he realized somehow that her male “equipment” wasn’t right? Was he going to confront her now?
“I shouldn’t have done it,” Lathe went on in that same, low, ragged voice. “I just wanted…wanted to be able to return the pleasure you gave to me today in the Rec Yard. But I couldn’t.” He balled his big hands into fists on his thighs. “I tried, Ari—the Goddess kn
ows I tried. But being with another male that way…it just feels wrong to me.”
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was still tight with fear and uncertainty. “I’m sorry you…you feel that way.”
“So am I.” There was real agony in his voice now. “Because I think…I think I’m falling in love with you.”
Ari’s breath seemed to catch in her throat. Had he really just said that? Had Lathe confessed to the same feelings she’d been trying to suppress herself?
I’m not in love with him—I’m not, she tried to tell herself. How can I be in love with him when I’m afraid of him? When I barely know him?
But she couldn’t stop the rising tide of emotion that filled her or the longing that swept over her—the desire to flow into his arms and press herself against him…to kiss him and hold him and be held by him. To let him bite her and bond her to him, exactly as he had described bonding a female the night before when he had held her in his arms and made her come so hard…
“Oh, Lathe…” Her voice broke on his name but she didn’t dare to go to him. She had no protection—her armor, such as it had been, was gone.
“I’m sorry if that’s hard for you to hear,” he said. He was still sitting on the edge of the bunk, elbows resting on his knees, his face shadowed. “To tell the truth, it’s fucking hard to say. I never thought I’d be telling another male I love him and I realize…” He cleared his throat. “Realize my feelings might be…unwelcome to you.”
“I never said that,” Ari said quickly. “I just…you surprised me, that’s all. When you said you loved me. And when you…when you kissed me there.”
“You kissed me ‘there’ this afternoon,” he pointed out roughly. “I was trying to return the favor.”
“But you didn’t have to do,” Ari protested “I never asked you to. I didn’t…didn’t want you to.” She felt miserably unhappy. She’d never meant to twist the big Kindred into emotional knots like this. The truth hovered on the tip of her tongue—the urge to tell him everything and throw herself on his mercy. But how angry would he be when he found out how she’d tricked him?
“I’m sorry if my advances were unwelcome.” His deep voice was stiff and formal. “I don’t know why my body reacts so strongly to yours. But I’ll try to keep my distance in the future if that’s what you want.”
“I never said that,” Ari said before she could stop herself. “Lathe, I feel…I think I feel the same way you do. But I can’t…can’t let…” She ran a hand through her hair in frustration. “Goddess this is hard! I don’t know how to say anything right and all I’m doing is hurting you.”
“Well, love hurts.” He rumbled a mirthless laugh in the darkness. “Haven’t you found that out the hard way by now? I certainly have.”
“You…were in love before?” Ari felt a strange twisting sensation in her midsection. Could it be jealousy?
“I thought I was,” Lathe clarified. “I mean, I never dream shared with her or anything but—”
“Dream-shared?” Ari asked.
“It’s a Kindred thing.” He shrugged his broad shoulders. “When you’re destined to mate with a female you start to dream of her—and she dreams of you too.” He looked at her briefly. “I…I think I had a dream of you, once.”
“You did?” Ari’s breath seemed to catch in her throat. She remembered the strange feeling she’d had when she first came to BleakHall and had seen Lathe for the first time—the fleeting thought that she’d seen his jewel-like turquoise eyes once in a dream.
Lathe nodded. “When I was sent here someone asked me if I was Dream-sharing with a female—letting me know I ought to get my affairs in order before I came to BleakHall, you know? I hadn’t been dreaming of any female but I did have a dream of someone with short black hair and big dark eyes. At the time I thought nothing of it but now…” He shook his head.
“I…I think I dreamed of you—of your eyes, anyway,” Ari admitted in a small voice. “I remember thinking that when I first saw you. You were so big and scary but your eyes…your eyes looked so familiar for some reason.”
Lathe ran both hands through his hair in agitation.
“I just don’t fucking understand this! Who ever heard of two males Dream-sharing? It just doesn’t happen.”
His frustration worried Ari.
“Tell me about the girl you were in love with,” she said quickly. “The one you, uh, weren’t dreaming of.”
“Talsa—that was her name. I was head over heels in love with her, as they say on Earth—the planet my people protect. And she told me she loved me too.”
“So…what happened?” Ari asked.
“She lied.” His voice grew hard. “It turned out she already had a male but she wanted to work aboard the Kindred Mother Ship. She thought I would be a good way to get in.”
“I’m so sorry,” Ari whispered. “You must have felt awful.”
“You know what the worst thing is?” Lathe said. “I would have helped her if she’d just asked me. She didn’t have to make me believe she loved me. Didn’t have to lie to me.”
Ari felt sick. Lathe hated liars—hated people who misrepresented themselves and their intentions. Which was exactly what she’d been doing this whole time. For just a moment when he’d said that he loved her she had almost blurted out the whole story—how she’d been forced to pretend she was male to try and save Jak and how she’d never meant to mislead him. But now she realized all over again that she couldn’t. Lathe would hate and despise her if he found out the truth now. And she couldn’t risk making him angry—not when she was so dependent on his protection.
“I’m sorry,” she said again, feeling like she might cry. “So sorry, Lathe.”
He shook his head. “It was a long time ago. Shortly after that was when my brother, Thonolan, got taken to BleakHall and was…was killed.” His voice grew low and choked. “I vowed then to do everything I could to avenge him and I decided that the Goddess meant for me to be single—that I wasn’t meant to have anyone in my life.”
“I…wasn’t looking for anyone either,” Ari said. “I just…I just want to get out of this awful place. But I don’t know how.”
Lathe seemed on the verge of saying something but then he shook his head.
“It’s late, little one.” His voice was heavy with weariness. “Would you like me to sleep on the floor tonight? To give you space?”
“What? No!” Ari protested. “Of course not, Lathe! You’ll freeze.”
“No I won’t—I have self-regulating body temperature, remember?”
“Well then, I’ll freeze because I don’t have self-regulating body temperature. And I don’t want to kick you out of your own bed,” Ari said. “I think…as long as you promise not to…not to touch me anywhere under…under my shirt—”
“I told you before I won’t take what you don’t want to give.” His voice was rough and his turquoise eyes blazed for a moment in the darkness. “I don’t go where I’m not wanted.”
But I do want you, Ari longed to say. I want you so much, Lathe!
But she knew if she gave in to the temptation to tell him her true feelings, more of the truth would follow. And then he would feel angry and betrayed and hurt and who knew what might happen next. No, nothing good could come of returning his love—only more hurt and heartache. Still, though, the idea of sleeping alone made her feel hollow inside.
“Please, Lathe,” she whispered. “Couldn’t…couldn’t we just sleep side by side as we have been and just not…hate each other?”
“I don’t hate you little one.” He leaned across the bunk and brushed his knuckles lightly over her cheek. “I could never hate you.”
That’s what you think now, Ari thought miserably. But if you ever found out what I’m hiding…
But she couldn’t let herself finish the thought. She nuzzled against his hand for a moment and then forced herself to pull away.
“Come to bed,” she said softly. “I have another long day tomorrow—I have to go back down in
the hole.”
“Down in the hole?” His eyes widened. “You went down in the hole? Why?”
Ari shrugged. “The wiring is all screwed up down there and I’m a fix-it now so Stubbins sent me to well…fix it.”
Lathe’s hands curled into fists again.
“I don’t like that, Ari—not one fucking bit! You have to go through the tunnel where the lashers are kenneled to get down there. And we already know that at least one of them has shown unusual interest in you—it’s not safe.”
“None of BleakHall is safe,” she pointed out. “You can’t protect me from everyone and everything here, Lathe. It’s just not possible.”
“I know…I know.” He sighed deeply, his broad shoulders slumping. “There I go again—nearly going into Rage because I feel like you’re being threatened. It just doesn’t make sense.”
“Going into rage?” Ari shook her head. “What does that mean?”
“It’s a Kindred reaction when he feels his female is threatened,” Lathe explained. “It’s a kind of…altered state of consciousness. A berserker fury that comes over a Kindred warrior when he thinks his female is in danger. He will kill or even die to protect her in that state. He usually ends up killing,” he added dryly. “A Kindred in Rage is…not a pretty sight.”
“Oh.” Ari shivered. “And you…feel that way towards me?”
“I can’t seem to help it.” His deep voice sounded bewildered. “It’s been that way from the first moment I heard your voice, pleading with Mukluk not to search you right outside the infirmary. Do you know how many of those searches I’ve had to listen to? Fucking thousands.” He shook his head. “But your voice was the one I couldn’t ignore—you were the one I felt like I had to save, Ari. I just…don’t understand why.”
“I don’t either,” Ari whispered. “But we have a saying on Phobos. ‘The Goddess of Mercy works in extraordinary ways through ordinary people.’” She half laughed. “Not that there’s anything ordinary about you. You’re so big and strong and your eyes are that gorgeous shade of ocean blue and of course, your fangs…” She shook her head. “I’ve never met anyone like you, Lathe.”