I believed my actions were necessary with all my heart and soul; I knew I did what was necessary for my survival.
That didn’t mean there wasn’t instant remorse and grief. My emotions swirled out of control and fought a battle with my survival instincts.
Thank God, my will to get back to Hendrix was stronger.
It wasn’t even about saving my own life or Tyler’s at this point. It was the distressed, hysterical need to make sure Hendrix was still alive.
“Get out of the car,” I demanded of the men in the back. “Get out or I will shoot you first. Get out Kane’s door and tell them to stand down or I will shoot him in the goddamn head.”
They didn’t ask any questions, just slid face forward and the seat, their long limbs and heavy boots kicking and flailing everywhere. I leaned back and kept my gun trained on them but out of immediate reach. The door opened and hot, summer air invaded the cool interior. The men flung themselves to the ground outside, and did as they were told; shouting orders not to shoot or Kane would be dead.
The other vehicles had stopped around us and all of Matthias’s men stood circling us with weapons raised. Thanks to Kane, I knew they wouldn’t shoot us- at least not to kill. And they couldn’t really be accurate enough to just maim us when they were shooting through glass, metal and with Kane in the car.
Or at least that was what I hoped for.
“Close the door, Kane,” I ordered.
He reached over with a weakened hand and tugged the heavy door closed, wincing with the effort. I locked the door with the automatic buttons as soon as it was closed and felt a smidge safer.
The silence in the van was impressive, only our heavy breathing broke the utter stillness.
“Turn around Tyler, I’ll cut you loose,” I ordered. She obeyed and with my right hand still gripping the gun, trained on Kane, I reached over with my left, still holding the bloody butterfly knife and sliced through the zip-tie.
The action distracted my attention for thirty seconds or so, and I expected Kane to make a move. Adrenaline nearly blinded me and my grip tightened painfully on the gun in my hands. But Kane made no move to attack.
Maybe he couldn’t. He had lost a lot of blood.
“Can you drive?” I panted at Tyler.
She nodded and crawled into the front seat. Her feet knocked into me and I swayed, more than probably I would have if I’d had been in complete control of my shaky senses; but my gun stayed in place and my arms stayed strong. She shoved the dead guy’s feet out of the way and I adjusted my position, so his lifeless body could slide to the floor.
Blood streaked everywhere. I was covered in it. The seats were drowned in it. But the car was still running and we had a relatively easy path to escape.
I cracked the window by pressing down on the automatic button in the door.
The Suburban was parked at an angle on the side of the road. Matthias’s men surrounded us on every side, but my part of the car faced a meadow and a forested area about five hundred feet from where we stalled.
I didn’t know for sure, but if I had to be my life- which I really was- I had to believe there were Feeders hiding out in the cover of all those trees.
And I had fresh blood to entice them into joining our party.
“What are you doing, Reagan?” Kane asked in a gravelly voice that rattled in his chest.
“I’m going home,” I answered. Home- back to the storage facility that had felt more like a place I belonged in than anything since I’d left my real home. Home- back to Haley, back to the Parkers… back to Hendrix. Home was where the heart lived and they owned every single piece of my heart and soul. Even if this war followed me, even if the day ended in gore and bloodshed and more death, I was going back there. “Can you drive, Tyler?”
“Hell, yes,” she answered. She pulled the gearshift down forcefully and the transmission jumped.
“Tyler, get the hell out of that car!” Matthias shouted from somewhere outside.
“Think about Miller, Tyler,” Kane rasped.
“Screw you, Kane,” she bit back. “You think about Miller, you sick son of a bitch.”
My chest tightened and my body went stiff. “Seriously, Tyler, what do we do about Miller?” My voice was soft and desperate. Could I leave him behind? I didn’t even know which SUV he was in. And I really didn’t believe that Matthias would be patient enough with us while we held Kane at gunpoint and searched for him. In fact, I knew we were only moments from being overpowered as it was.
“I’ll never be able to save him if I go back now,” she explained. “I’ll never leave there alive again and either will Miller.”
I heard the words that weren’t spoken. Miller had a better chance of escape if we went back for him later. She was right.
Confusion clawed at my brain, wondering what the best decision was. If we could rescue Miller later, couldn’t the Parkers rescue us as well?
We could keep Miller safe until then?
How could we abandon him?
How could we just leave him here?
But currently, I wasn’t that sacrificial. Something tore through my chest and I had to believe it was the same evil intent that made it possible for me to murder another person. I wouldn’t give up my own safety for Miller’s. I couldn’t. I had to get back to Hendrix first.
I would come back for Miller- but it wouldn’t be today.
“Alright, let’s go then.”
“Reagan,” Tyler looked at me and pulled my attention to her for an intense, heart-felt moment. “We don’t have a choice right now. But I will come back for him.”
“Me too,” I promised.
A high-pitched keening sounded at the edge of the forest. The sound was met by echoing screeches that seemed to surround us on every side.
“Thank God,” I muttered. “Definitely it’s the first time I’ve ever been thankful for Feeders.”
“And their timing is perfect,” Tyler agreed.
Kane’s eyes darkened with fury and his body went rigid. “You’re going to kill every single man here today, aren’t you?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m going to save the lives that matter to me.”
The attention of the men outside swiveled to the perimeters as Feeders from every direction descended on us. They loped at us like injured, super-speedy gazelles. Ok, maybe not gazelles… some kind of animal that could be graceful in their jerky, limping movements and so fast my stomach sank.
We had to get out of here.
“Go, Tyler,” I whispered.
She stomped on the gas and men leapt out of the way. They scrambled for their vehicles while Tyler did a rough U-turn on the shoulder. I slammed against the door and then back to the center console as she pounded the gas and dipped down off the shoulder to the grass and beyond to get around some of the other Suburban’s behind us. We were back on the road at the same time the Feeders reached the shoulder.
Gun shots echoed out behind us, but so did the roar of engines.
I chanced a glance behind me to see that one Suburban had broken through the lines and headed in the opposite direction as us. Please, God, let that be Miller.
There were two other Suburban’s with men hanging out the windows, shooting at the fifteen or so attacking Zombies. More Feeders appeared on the edges of the forest on either side of the road.
There would be carnage today, but hopefully it didn’t include us.
I got lost watching the battle behind me, waiting to see if any of them would follow us while Tyler put space between us and them.
When I turned back around, Kane was in my face, his hands around the barrel of the gun. I shot before I could think about it and my bullet ripped into his forearm and back out again, tearing through his top layer of skin and the leather seat behind him.
He howled another scream of pain but at the same time his other hand lifted to my hair and grabbed on tight. His body flung backward and I went with him. I tumbled forward, onto the backseat and then scrambled into
sitting.
He launched his injured body at me, trying to grapple the gun from my hands. He wasn’t afraid to put his body in front of the gun or that I would shoot him- which I had tried to do now several times. He was as desperate to subdue me as I was to regain control.
Tyler started shouting things at me, but didn’t slow down. And I didn’t want her to. I would deal with Kane.
I shot at him again, but he knocked my hand to the side at just the right moment and the bullet tore through the back window instead. Glass shattered in a loud explosion, but we didn’t bother to even pause from our struggle.
He somehow got my arm in his grasp and bent my wrist so the gun pointed upward. He surprised me with his strength and control, even after I’d shot him and stabbed him twice. I knew his body was hurting, I knew he was in pain and weakened- probably as close to passing out as I was.
We both screamed out as we fought for control. He won- naturally he was stronger than me, even with his multiple wounds. The gun slipped from my grasp and clattered to the floor and he pulled me on top of him with one of my hands pulled behind my back, bound by his steely grip.
I straddled him, my knees on either side of his narrow hips. My chest heaved against his, our heavy breathing mingling in the small space between us.
“I don’t want you to shoot me,” he confessed softly. He released my arm and placed two hands on my thighs.
I felt his hot hands even through my bloodied jeans. The intimate pressure of him touching me gently but possessively shocked my body worse than any other part of this. Slowly he slid his hands up my legs until they gripped my waist in that same primal, greedy hunger. His eyes were dark, black oceans of something I didn’t understand- not when I was in so much pain…. not when he was no better off than me.
I had no idea how much time or distance was left to go until we reached the storage facility but Tyler pressed on. Another Suburban was close behind us; I could hear the roar of the engine even over the rush of wind whipping through the broken back window.
Tyler screamed something at me. My head ached. My body tensed.
But apart from all of this, the world stopped. Time slowed. The noises, the distractions, everything that existed apart from Kane and I faded into nothingness and only we remained. We became a part of a different universe, a separate plane of existence.
“This doesn’t change anything,” he whispered to me.
“You should get the hint by now,” I replied dryly. I picked up his glasses that had fallen on the seat next to me and placed them gently on his face. I rested my hands on his shoulders, keeping my body from drooping. “I’m not yours, Kane.”
“But you will be,” he promised. His eyes held mine with sure, justified confidence. And in that moment he injured me more than I ever hurt him. There were all kinds of wrong emotions swirling inside me. Things that didn’t make sense. Feelings that had no place in my body or life. He was destroying me- moment by moment. He was toxic… poison in my blood.
I had to get rid of him.
Once and for all.
I shook my head slowly and let my fingers drift down his bicep to the knife still lodged in his arm. I gripped the handle of my hunting knife and he winced from the jerking motion of me getting ready to pull. He didn’t try to stop me though. I didn’t think he had anything left to fight with.
“You’ll regret this,” he grated.
“I already regret this,” I answered.
I yanked the knife from his fleshy muscle and sunk it into his chest. His body resisted the push of the blade, but I leveraged my weight on my knees and put extra force behind it. The knife seared forward, past skin, bone, muscle and whatever else floated beyond the surface. The sounds that accompanied my assault rushed through my ears louder than anything, nothing beyond this action could compete with the permanent, eternal indentation of this memory on my brain. Tears slipped from my eyes that I didn’t understand followed by a pathetic whimper falling from my mouth.
He arched his back into the stab wound, grimacing and gurgling in pain. His dark eyes deepened with intense hurt, but held mine in their paralyzing tractor beam. His mouth fell ajar, his hands gripping my waist painfully until they just fell off me, limp and lifeless. His chest staggered and shook with the effort to keep breathing. He crumpled beneath my body, deflating every ounce of tension and fight left in him.
I knew the entry point was higher than his heart and clear of his lungs. Somewhere in my swirling, chaotic thoughts, I knew I had given him the opportunity to live. It was likely he could make it through this… conceivable he could survive.
But I couldn’t examine those possibilities now, or even contemplate why I hadn’t gone straight for his most essential, beating organ.
So instead, I covered my actions by reaching over and unlocking the door. I pushed against the fierce wind to shove it open. The wind caught it and slammed it against the side of the car. It didn’t matter. We didn’t need this vehicle. And I was thankful Tyler could see what I was doing and chose not to slow down.
I climbed off Kane’s lap and kicked him closer to the edge of the seat.
The wind rushed in at me, through the shattered back window and the broken door. It lashed and whipped against me, lifting my hair and wrapping it around my face like a blindfold. Tears that were still wet on my face dried in the hot air but not before reminding me of their confusing presence.
Kane’s eyes had shut; blood ran down the front of his shirt and covered almost every other part of his body. I didn’t know if he was dead or just unconscious and I didn’t take the time to figure it out. I tucked his arms in, lifted, his feet and then shoved him out the open door.
His body hit the ground fast and bouncing as he rolled away from the side of the road. The Suburban behind us swerved to avoid hitting him and then screeched to a halt.
I stared out the back of the car while my chest collapsed with a mixture of relief and grief. Men swarmed around Kane, not giving our vehicle another thought. There were no other vehicles to pursue us.
And I didn’t imagine there would be after all this.
I suspected Matthias’s vehicle took off at the first sign of Zombie trouble. One was left to deal with the swarming Feeders and the third vehicle was now tasked with getting Kane to safety and medical attention.
I didn’t know what The Colony had as far as medical services went, but they were hours away. Kane was bleeding out fast.
His chances were infinitely small.
Even as I thought that, even as we drove out of sight from the last of Matthias’s men, I felt Kane’s gray eyes on me; I felt his presence hovering over me like a spectral manifestation.
Could it be possible I would feel it if he was actually gone? Were we so connected that I could sense his life force even from miles away?
No, not possible.
Still, my mind flooded with berating thoughts for why I didn’t purposefully place my knife just a little lower. Why hadn’t I been able to ensure I killed him? Or slit his neck like the man still lodged in the front seat? Why couldn’t I end this once and for all?
I didn’t have answers. And truthfully, I was too exhausted to find them.
I turned around and slumped back on my seat. Tyler had quieted and focused on the road ahead of her, driving as fast as the Suburban would let her.
I closed my eyes and let the tears fall. I didn’t understand them, nor did I really want to. But I couldn’t stop them either. And so I succumbed to them.
The unexplainable tears, the crippling fear that Hendrix would not be Ok, the gnawing fear that this wasn’t over…. that this war was just beginning.
I only opened them again when Tyler slammed on the breaks so suddenly we fishtailed across the empty road.
“Reagan, they were coming for us.”
I stared ahead at the caravan of trucks and SUV’s loaded with armed men.
I stumbled from the vehicle with Tyler close behind me and we stood in the center of the road until the oncomin
g cars could identify us. We leaned against each other- broken, fragile, bad ass girls that would fight for each other, fight for the ones we loved, fight for our freedom until the day we died.
“Thank you,” she whispered as the front truck slowed to a stop twenty feet away from us.
“Thank you,” I answered back.
There was more to say, there was nothing more to say. We’d just lived through hell together, but we’d come out the other side. There were worse things than Zombies, I realized. Yes, I lived in a purgatory of sorts, but my life wasn’t the depths of hades- far from it.
My life was filled with love, with friendship, with moments so good and hopeful, my heart filled to bursting. There were so many worse ways to live. I realized that now.
The important thing was that I was living.
Hendrix stumbled from the passenger’s seat of the front truck with a makeshift sling holding his arm loosely against his chest. His face was haggard and distraught, his body slumping awkwardly with exhaustion, and I had to believe, relief at seeing me.
I took off for him, vaguely aware that there were other people surrounding him. But they weren’t as important, not in this moment. I slammed into his hard, unyielding body, uncaring of his wound or any of mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and burrowed into his chest.
His good arm went so tightly around my waist I couldn’t breathe, his fingers dug into my back as he held onto me with unwavering strength.
“You scared me,” he heaved in gasping breaths.
“You scared me,” I echoed, sobbing into his bloodied neck.
His hold constricted against me. “God, I love you.”
A wrecked, fragmented cry escaped my mouth, grating against my insides, clawing at my raw throat. “I love you, too,” I swore. “To the end, I love you.”
----
Many hours later we were cleaned, bandaged and fed. The entire Parker family, Haley, Tyler and I lounged around our activity room, huddling close together in silent reflection.
Gage had enlisted as many men as he could to patrol the perimeter while a second shift of them rested and waited for their turn. We knew Matthias would retaliate, that he would come back… but we didn’t know when.