Ashton joined in the fun, too. “Christ, Brad, it’s huge! Run faster!” he shouted with mock horror.
Brad’s eyes widened as he started to turn as if he was going to look over his shoulder at it. “Look where you’re going. If you fall, that thing is losing its teeth in your ballsack!” I shouted, laughing at the end as Ashton choked on his laughter.
Brad was almost crying, clutching at his side as he pushed himself on towards us. He jumped the last few feet, scaled the fence like Spider-Man on speed and dropped heavily down to my feet, panting and gasping for breath as he clutched his side in agony. I could barely breathe as he turned his head in the direction of the little brown Chihuahua that was barking its head off and trying to dig its way under the fence so it could lick us to death.
“You assholes! It’s not even a fucking dog! Look at that thing; I’ve seen rats in my apartment bigger than that!” Brad cried, shaking his head in disbelief as he aimed a kick at my shin. I laughed harder and managed to jump back in time so the toe of his boot just breezed past my leg.
“That was awesome. Oh, man, we so should have recorded that; we could have put that on YouTube next to the one of George jumping out of that plane!” I choked out, shaking my head at the hilarity of it. This bachelor party was awesome. “You know, they should make a movie out of my bachelor party. The Hangover, part four,” I mused, grinning.
Ashton laughed. “Bradley Cooper would play me.”
I raised one eyebrow. “You do know he was once voted ‘world’s sexiest man’, right? Therefore, if he’s playing anyone, it’ll be me,” I countered, shoving him playfully.
Ashton rolled his eyes and jumped on my back, almost making my legs buckle with the weight and the drink I’d already consumed. “So that would make me the one who loses his tooth?”
I nodded in response and turned for the bus with him still clinging to my back like a child. “Yep, and Brad gets to be the hairy one,” I teased, winking at Brad, who shot me a dirty look.
“You sure you should be getting married tomorrow, Nate? I swear, you two and your bromance thing you have going on, sometimes I wonder, I really do,” he stated, looking at Ashton and I suggestively.
I shrugged, making light of it. This wasn’t the first time someone suggested Ashton and I should get it on, and I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be the last. I was comfortable enough with my sexuality to brush that remark off. “Taylor’s not in my league. If I was gonna experiment, it would be with someone worth my attention,” I joked, elbowing Ashton in the ribs, making him drop down off my back.
“What? No way. You couldn’t do better than me. If we were to get together, then we’d be like the perfect couple,” Ashton stated, frowning and looking at me seriously.
I looked him over; even I knew he was a good-looking guy. I guess if I absolutely had to bat for the other team then he would probably be my ideal guy. “I guess,” I admitted. “We would make one hot couple.”
He nodded in agreement before both of us frowned and looked away. “Okay, this conversation has gone far enough. I need a drink,” he suggested before throwing his arm around my shoulder and practically dragging me to the minibus.
As we pulled away from the side of the road, I could hear sirens in the distance. Obviously, they’d called the cops thinking they were getting robbed or something. I metaphorically crossed my fingers, praying this night didn’t end in a high-speed chase. Rosie would not be pleased if I used my one phone call to call her and tell her to come bail me out of jail the night before our wedding.
Thankfully, we managed to get away before the cops showed up. No one had actually seen us there, or the minibus we were driving in, so I was pretty sure we’d made it. Ashton had already said he was going to anonymously send them some money tomorrow so they could fix their window he’d smashed.
As we headed into the latest bar, which we made sure was a long way from the scene of our crime, a pretty blonde waitress sauntered over to our table. I watched as her eyes surveyed the group of twelve rowdy superheroes who sat in her section. I could practically see her unease because she thought we were going to cause trouble.
“Hi there, guys. What can I get for you?” she asked.
Rick was sitting with his back to her, so he hadn’t seen her approach. He turned in his seat, and his jaw nearly hit the floor as he leered at her – and not in the discreet way, either. I was actually surprised he wasn’t drooling on her shoe. I must admit, she was pretty, but no girl ever compared to my Rosie so I didn’t even bother looking, really.
“Holy crap. Wow, you are… wow. I mean, no… it’s… I’m… no… but… crap,” Rick stuttered before frowning and turning his back on her. She looked a little taken aback as she blushed and looked at the back of his head as he practically squirmed in his chair.
I laughed quietly. Rick was terrible with girls. He wasn’t a bad-looking guy, but he just had no confidence at all. “Can we get a round of tequila shots and a beer each, too?” I asked. She nodded politely, shooting the back of Rick’s head another glance and sauntering off towards the bar.
“Wow?” Seth teased, nudging Rick, who leant forward and banged his own head against the table a couple of times.
“Why do you guys let me talk to girls? Seriously, I should just never talk to a member of the opposite sex again,” he whined. “That was so embarrassing! Can we leave?”
My dad shook his head quickly. “I need to rest my ass a little while.”
We all laughed and talk turned to why they had chosen the tattoos in the first place. When my dad started going on about how in love with his sexy wife he was, I tuned out and pretended I was adopted.
When the waitress came over again, Rick looked anywhere but her. He looked beyond awkward. I raised my glass. “To more drinking?” I offered. They all cheered and chinked their glasses against mine in a toast.
“And more dancing,” George added as he tapped his glass on mine.
An hour later and my face was starting to get numb. I’d had enough of drinking already. It was after midnight and we’d been drinking for hours. If we kept this up, I was pretty sure that one of us would need our stomach pumped before the sun rose.
“I’m telling you now you can’t drown a freaking goldfish! Goldfish can’t drown, you idiot!” Seth cried, shaking his head as he walked back from the bathroom with Rick staggering behind him.
“I did! I put my hand in the tank, stroked its back and it freaking drowned! I’m a fish murderer!” Rick stated, frowning sadly.
Fish murderer? Christ, I need to stop that boy drinking, because he’s going to burst into tears and wail about how he hadn’t been laid in weeks if he carries on. That was his usual pattern. It started with gibberish and stuff that didn’t make sense, moved on to the impossible – hence, drowning a fish – then later came the crying.
“Someone buy him a coffee!” I called at exactly the same time Seth did.
Ashton laughed and shook his head wickedly. “No one’s having coffee tonight. I just ordered another round of drinks!” he chirped, picking one up and waving it at Rick, trying to tempt him. Ashton grinned and turned back to me as Rick downed the shot. “I told Anna I’d make him puke tonight,” he said.
“That’s funny, because she made me promise the same thing about you,” I joked.
Half an hour later and we’d had two more drinks. The waitress had just taken our order for another. The whole time she’d been at our table, she kept flicking little glances at Rick but, by the look of him, he hadn’t even noticed.
When she walked away to place the order, I nudged him in the ribs. “Dude, what’s wrong with you? She’s giving you the come on!” I hissed, looking at him like he was stupid.
He frowned. “Who was?” he asked. I rolled my eyes and nodded towards the hot blonde waitress who he’d embarrassed himself in front of earlier. His frown deepened as he shook his head forcefully. “No way, she’s like a goddess,” he protested.
“Talk to her,” I insisted, sitting bac
k in my chair as she sauntered over with a tray full of alcohol. I nodded encouragingly at Rick, kicking his foot under the table, but maybe I’d done it a little too hard because he yelped and jumped in his chair before he composed himself quickly when everyone looked at him.
“I’ve put these on your tab, okay?” the girl said, smiling a friendly smile.
Ashton told her that was fine, and I motioned with my head for Rick to talk to her again, but he looked like he was struggling to remember how to string together a coherent sentence. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the girl just as she was about to walk off.
“Excuse me. I was just having a little bet with my friends and I wondered if you could help me out with it. I said I’m the hottest guy in the bar tonight, but they don’t believe me, so I just wanted to get a girl’s opinion. Am I, or am I not, the hottest one from my group of friends?” I asked, raising one eyebrow curiously. I crossed my fingers and hoped this wouldn’t backfire and she wouldn’t start hitting on me or something.
Her eyes flicked to Rick; a blush rose in her cheeks as she shrugged. “I don’t think you are,” she answered.
I faked shock. “You’re kidding me! So you’re more attracted to one of my friends than you are to me?” I asked, shaking my head with mock disbelief.
Again, her eyes flicked to Rick for a split second as she nodded. I kicked him under the table again, and he choked on his drink that he was nursing. He literally spat it everywhere, spraying my dad who was sitting opposite him in the booth. I burst out laughing as he continued to choke. Whiskey even dribbled out of his nose. The waitress gasped and patted his back, looking at him worriedly. Everyone ignored my dad, who jumped up and was practically shrieking like a little girl while rubbing his face with his hands, wiping the drink away.
“Oh, my gosh, are you okay?” the girl gasped, fussing over Rick, wiping his chin with a napkin as he struggled to catch his breath.
He nodded. “Yeah. Don’t worry, I do this all the time,” he croaked.
“Smooth,” I muttered, rolling my eyes.
The girl burst out laughing, and everyone at the table flinched. She must have had the most annoying laugh in the world. It was loud and shrill, like Janice from Friends crossed with a chipmunk wielding a chainsaw.
Rick didn’t seem to notice the laugh, though; he just shifted uncomfortably in his seat as she continued to rape our ears with the atrocity that should be recorded and used as a torture device.
“You’re funny,” she said, smiling at him warmly.
His eyes flicked to me as if he was asking what he should do or say. I nodded encouragingly and willed him to do well. “Yeah, better to play the clown than the… umm… I don’t know the rest of that or even where I was going with it,” he mumbled, shaking his head and slapping his forehead with his palm.
She let rip another of those atrocious laughs and Seth sucked in a breath through his teeth, shooting me a horrified glance. I just shrugged; Rick hadn’t noticed, so that was a good thing.
I tuned out of the conversation, engaging the boys in talk about football so Rick could try his luck without an audience. A couple of times she laughed that god-awful sound, so he was obviously doing well with it.
After ten minutes, he punched me on the arm, grinning like an idiot as he waved a napkin in front of me. “I got her number! Can you believe she’s still single? Why on earth would a guy not have snapped her up already?” he asked, shaking his head in disbelief.
Because when she laughs, it sounds like someone is slowly strangling a cat to death? “No idea. Maybe she was waiting to meet her Superman?” I offered, nodding down at his costume. “Anyway, we’re about done here, so we’re heading to a club so my drunken father-in-law-to-be can bust some moves.”
He frowned. “Yeah, maybe. So listen, I can’t leave yet, okay? Can we wait like ten minutes or something?” he asked, wincing and looking at me pleadingly.
I raised one eyebrow at that. “Why’s that?”
He looked around conspiratorially, obviously checking no one was listening to us, before turning back at me. “My suit is freaking lycra. Not very forgiving in the, er, crotch department, if you know what I mean…” He trailed off, looking uncomfortable as he nodded down to his lap. He moved his arm and I burst out laughing when I saw he had a semi-boner. Looks like the girl had a lot of effect on him in the short time he was talking to her.
“Pervert,” I teased, smirking at him.
He shrugged. “She is hot as sin. Can’t help my hormones. I haven’t been laid in months,” he grumbled.
I slapped his shoulder supportively. “Hopefully, that’ll change real soon. A lot of girls like playing dress-up,” I teased. Now that I’d thought about dress-ups, and I knew we had a few minutes, I decided to sneak off and call my fiancée. “Be right back. I need to drain my lizard,” I announced.
I staggered into the bathroom, just needing to hear her voice; I was missing her like crazy. The phone rang a couple of times and then her voicemail kicked in. I sighed as I listened to her message.
“Hey, this is Rosie York, soon-to-be Rosie Peters. Sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message, I’ll call you back as soon as I get done ravaging my soon-to-be husband on our honeymoon.” Beep.
I burst out laughing. I closed my eyes and smiled as I spoke to the empty line. “Hey, Stripes. I was just calling to say ‘hi’ and see if you were okay and still planning on showing up tomorrow. I bet you’re giggling too much with your girls to pick up the phone. Tell Anna I’m gonna make Ashton puke and that Rick is well on his way to getting laid by a big-breasted blonde waitress who laughs like a chipmunk that’s sucked up a helium balloon, that’ll please her.” I laughed and shook my head. I could feel the alcohol sloshing around in my system, making me feel a little lightheaded, so I leant against the wall of the stall to steady me.
“So, I’m pretty wasted, I think. Umm… if you’re there, then pick up, because I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I’ll always love you, Rosie York. Just like in that movie, you know, that crappy one you made me watch the other week… The Body Guarder or whatever,” I mumbled, frowning trying not to think of the horrifying chick flick she’d subjected me to a few weeks back.
“So… you are coming tomorrow, right? Not gonna stand me up, are ya?” I joked, plopping myself down onto the toilet and getting comfortable. “Because I love you, you know that, right?” I mumbled. Then the song hit me, the one from the movie; it suited what I was saying perfectly. “Oh! I got it!” I cried, then immediately burst into song, singing ‘I will always love you’ – badly – down the phone to her voicemail. I chuckled to myself after a couple of choruses; she was going to tease the crap out of me for that tomorrow! “We should watch that again. Hey, know what they should do? They should make an X-rated version of that movie. Now that would be hot! Ooh, maybe we should make the X-rated version. That would be even hotter!” I cried, getting excited, already planning where to get her one of those little metal outfits that Whitney Houston wore on stage. I looked down at my Zorro costume and frowned. “Or maybe you could work Whitney and I could be Zorro? I already have that one,” I added, chewing on my lip.
I heard a beep where I had run out of time and I frowned, debating on whether I should just call her back. Maybe she’d even answer this time. I sighed. I guessed I needed to go and see what state my dad and father-in-law were in. I’d probably been in here too long already. Rick must have calmed down by now so we could leave. I stood up and frowned at my costume again. I shook my head at my friend’s choice of fun tonight and then proceeded to empty my bladder, swaying on my feet as I laughed at nothing.
As I stepped out of the toilet stall, still pulling the costume back into place, I spotted Ashton, Seth and Wayne sitting on the edge of the sinks. All of them were looking at me and grinning.
Oh, crap, they heard me! How much did they hear?
“Hey, you okay?” I asked, trying to go for casual.
Ashton nodded, f
ighting a smile. “Yeah. So, you speak to Rosie?” he asked, chewing on his lip as Seth and Wayne giggled like little girls. I nodded, sucking my tongue over my teeth, not wanting to commit to anything. “She get turned on by your terrible singing?” he continued, laughing as Seth elbowed him in the ribs.
I groaned and just decided to go with it. I gripped the side of the cape and whipped it up to cover my face. “If I sing in costume, then hell yeah,” I joked, pulling out the fake sword that was strapped to my waist and hitting Ashton on the arm with it.
“Ow! That’s not fair, all I have are these stupid freaking bat things!” he whined, pulling out a couple of plastic bats from his utility belt and throwing one at me. It soared over my head and plopped into the toilet bowl. “Whoops, there goes your dad’s deposit,” he said, laughing wickedly.
I laughed as the boys practically jumped me, forcing me out of the door whilst they sang ‘I will always love you’ at the top of their voices, making me groan and shake my head as everyone in the bar turned to look at us.
“Time to leave?” I asked, looking at Rick hopefully. He smiled and nodded in agreement.
George jumped up and down on the spot, clapping his hands like a three-year-old girl. “Yay, finally, dancing!” he chirped, wincing as everyone within arm’s length of him reached out and slapped the back of his head for embarrassing himself.
Chapter Four
We were play fighting and trying out our newly learned wrestling moves on each other as we laughed our way out of the door. Some of the boys were totally hammered already, stumbling into things and slurring their words. That was mostly the ones that didn’t come out and drink with us very much – like Russell, my dad, and of course George, who I’d found a new found appreciation for. He was an awesome drunk.
“Guys, what’s the time?” I asked. My head was starting to ache where we’d been drinking for too long. I either needed to go home and go to sleep, or drink some more to push past the headache.
“One in the morning,” Ashton chirped, slinging his arm around my shoulder. “And, no, we’re not going home yet.”