a start.
Now she looked around and panicked. What had she done? The night before had been perfect and now her heart was racing for a different reason. She lay cuddled between Rory and Callum. Both men had their hands on her and she couldn’t breathe.
She loved them. She loved them down to her soul—and that terrified her beyond anything. What if she lost them, really and truly? What if she woke up one day and they were all gone? It had happened to her before and she hadn’t been able to do anything about it. She’d been utterly helpless to do anything except bury the two people she’d loved most, her parents.
If history repeated itself, she wouldn’t survive.
And she couldn’t take that risk.
To anyone else who hadn’t suffered such a loss as a kid, it would probably sound stupid, but the towering swell of dread sucked the air out of her, stained her blood with icy fear. She panicked completely at the notion of losing them.
Tori pushed back the covers and managed to haul herself out of bed. The night before had been magical. She’d opened herself up and surrendered herself to them. Somewhere in the middle of the night, she’d given up the notion of leaving them. She wanted them. She wanted to be the center of their worlds.
But she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t risk her sanity and soul like that.
A sob nearly tore from her throat. Tori carefully extricated herself and crawled out of the bed. What had she been thinking last night? She’d been focused on pleasure, on the drugging bliss of the touches, on their protection and adoration and…everything else that would disappear in the snap of a finger if something happened to them.
If? Try when. Life wasn’t forever. People died. She couldn’t stop that. Besides, if she stayed with them, she would eventually tear them apart. They could handle sharing her for a night, but they were possessive. She’d seen how they fought. What happened if one of them wanted to get married legally? Or she became pregnant? How would they deal with that? Cohabitate in the same house or bed for years? No, she would eventually tear them apart and if she didn’t, she would likely be taken apart by the tabloids
“Sweetheart, where are you going?” Rory whispered.
She managed to clear the tangle of sheets and arms. Oliver was asleep on the other side of Callum. They all looked so gorgeous. Last night, they’d been so devoted. Tori had to bite back a cry. She couldn’t let Rory know she was upset or he would be all over her. She needed a few moments to herself. Everything that had happened in the last twelve hours had all been too much.
“Just to the bathroom. I’ll be right back,” she said, happy that her voice betrayed none of her whirling emotions.
“Hurry.”
She heard him settle back on the bed. When she glanced again, his eyes were closed and his chest had taken on the rhythm of sleep once more.
As quietly as she could, she grabbed a robe in the wardrobe and dashed to the outer rooms, refusing to look at a guard manning the hallway. From there she found her way back to her own quarters.
Inside, Tori locked the door and tore off the robe. She made it to the shower before the sobs hit. Too much. Everything had happened so quickly. She’d closed herself off for too long and now the emotion hit her like a hurricane. She let the hot water blend with her tears and prayed she could find the strength to make the right decisions.
* * * *
Two hours later, Tori stared at herself in the mirror and wondered why she was such a coward. She’d woken up surrounded by the three men she loved. Her body had felt deliciously sated and she’d been so warm. She’d never slept the whole night with another body at her side. When she’d been a child, her parents sometimes cuddled her in between them when she was scared or sick. She remembered looking up at them in contentment as they kissed her before turning out the lights. Even as a young kid, she’d felt their love. With them, she’d been safe and warm.
And she’d never imagined it could be over so swiftly.
The terrible nightmare she’d had brought it all back—the feelings of loss, helplessness, anger, and despair. One nightmare, and she remembered all too well how easily her happiness could end.
This was why she was a coward. She could still remember her father standing over her mother’s grave, still feel her sister’s hand in hers as they both stared with dry, aching eyes. From that moment on, they’d only had each other to count on. For all practical purposes, their dad had died with their mom. He’d just walked around for a few years more.
She should still be in bed with the Thurston-Hughes brothers, but she’d told Rory she’d only be a minute. Then she’d dashed to her own room like a scared rabbit. This felt like junior high all over again. She intended to barricade herself in the bathroom and stay until she figured out how to handle them.
She took a long breath and forced herself to relax. She would have to be calm with them. “Thank you for last night. It was wonderful. If we ever have time, I would love to do it again.”
Good. Now she was the Emily Post of the ménage world.
Maybe casual was better. “Hey, guys. How’d you sleep? Good. Catch ya later!”
That would not go over well.
She groaned as she sank down to a waiting chaise. Naturally, her bathroom at the palace was bigger than her London flat and came complete with a sitting room.
As she turned to throw herself across the padded cushions, Tori winced at the soreness. She’d always been an overachiever, but three men in one night was a new high.
Images of the previous night assaulted her. After Callum had tortured her with that damn plug, Rory made her forget how awkward it was. He’d taken her into his arms and before long, he’d been working over her. He’d kissed her while he’d thrust in and out, taking her over the edge again.
And Oliver. Oh, Oliver had been so patient and careful as he’d possessed her body utterly. The whole night had been a long, sensual feast. One of them had always had a hand on her. One of them had always been kissing her or delving into her depths with his big cock. And when she’d fallen into an exhausted slumber, she’d done it with their arms around her. In that moment the world had felt perfect, like everything had finally fallen into place and she couldn’t ask for more.
Until she’d had that nightmare… That terrible slap-in-the-face reminder that nothing was perfect.
Yes, she and her men had survived one incredible night. But there was no way they could make it work in the real world. If they never left the palace again, maybe, just maybe, they could be happy for a while, but they would want to go home.
And then all hell would break loose.
She’d been lucky to have this one magical night the world knew nothing about. She couldn’t possibly push her luck and ask for a lifetime.
A knock on the door jolted her out of her depressing thoughts and took her straight into some terrifying ones.
She wasn’t ready to face them. Not at all.
“Mindy?”
With a sigh of relief, Tori leapt to her feet and opened the door. Piper stood there with a breakfast tray in her hand and a smirk on her face that told her someone in the palace filled her in on what had happened last night.
Tori’s cheeks went up in flames. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Damn the palace gossip mill. That guard who had let them into the private wing likely had a big mouth.
Piper strode in. She was still in her casual but chic loungewear. She set the tray with coffee and Danishes on the counter. “Too bad because I want the scoop.”
And Tori really needed coffee. Well, maybe telling her sister would be good practice. She sighed and poured herself a cup. “There’s no real scoop to be had. It was a nice night. Someone should have told me about the plug though. I wasn’t ready for that.”
Brazen. That’s what she’d be. She would plow her way through with confidence.
Piper’s eyes lit up. “Oh, the plug never ends. Damn Doms. They really know how to get to a girl. Which one is the alpha Dom? It’s Ro
ry, isn’t it?”
“Callum.” Everyone had followed Callum’s lead. It had been a revelation to see that side of him. “If I had to put them in order, Rory’s next. Surprisingly, Oliver is the softie.”
Piper grabbed herself some java. “I would never have guessed. So tell me what’s up with the Little Miss Jaded act?” She frowned. “Tell me you’re not going to pretend it meant nothing.”
Her sister knew her too well. “It can’t mean anything since I’m not going back to England. I’ve decided to take a job in Dallas.”
“You’re taking the Black Oak job? That will bore you to tears. Those men are solid pillars of the business community. They don’t need anyone cleaning up their scandals because they don’t have any.”
The James brothers were happily married to their wife, Hannah. They were extremely careful and private. They were living a life that should make headlines. How had they managed it? Maybe keeping their secret would be part of her job.
It shouldn’t be too hard because the James brothers got along. They were happy together. She would bet they’d never thrown a punch or gotten into a fight. They were a cohesive unit and the Thurston-Hughes brothers were a gorgeous, super-hot mess. And she loved them so much, her heart ached.
“I know. It’s a peach of a job.” She schooled her features. The last thing she needed was Piper to think she was lying. “I can concentrate on the company and not the employees. It’s going to be good to get back to Texas.”
Away from the three men she would spend a lifetime trying to forget.
Piper gracefully sat on the settee. “Do they know you’re planning on leaving them after one night?”
Somehow her sister managed to make that simple question seem very accusatory. Or maybe Tori responded to her own shame. She didn’t want forever with them. She didn’t want forever with anyone. Not anyone she loved with her whole heart. Losing them after a lifetime of love would be too horrible. She’d already endured that moment when she’d felt as if her life was over. She would never choose to go through it again.
God, she was lying to herself now. She wanted everything Oliver, Callum, and Rory could give her, but she wasn’t brave enough to take it.
“I never promised them a thing.” Her appetite was gone. She wanted to go to bed. Her own bed. She would pull the covers over her head and try to pretend she knew what she was doing. She would try to forget that dream where Callum had been taken out by his former lover while Rory and Oliver nearly stood over the corpse and killed each other over her.
“They came together for you,” Piper said quietly.
She shook her head. “It was just sex.”
It was all she could allow it to be.
Piper stood and set the coffee mug down. It looked like her sister talk wasn’t going the way she’d planned. “I don’t understand what’s going on and I don’t know that I even want to, but I’m going to ask. Are you ashamed of me?”
What? Tori could barely fathom the idea. “How could you say that? Piper, I love you. You’ve been everything to me. My sister, my mom, my best friend. Why would you ask me that?”
“Because I can’t figure out why else you wouldn’t want to be with them when it’s so obvious you love them. I think it has to be that you don’t approve of the life I lead.” Tears shone in her sister’s eyes. “It’s not like I haven’t heard it before. I have. I’ve seen the tabloids. I’ve been called a whore many times.”
Rage welled up. “I sued the holy fuck out of some of those tabloids.”
Piper nodded. “But still you don’t want it for yourself. I’m trying to understand why.”
“Because I’m not sure I want one husband I love, much less three.”
Piper frowned. “You don’t want to get married? There’s nothing wrong with that, but I always thought you wanted a family.”
“I do. I do want a husband and kids. I simply don’t want to lose my soul to some man. I don’t want to die if he leaves me or something happens to him, and I’m really afraid that’s how things would end with those brothers. So I think I should walk away.”
“Do you love me?” Piper asked in a quiet, almost halting voice.
“Of course.” Did she even have to ask?
“But in a distant way, right? You hold yourself back so if anything ever happens, you won’t miss me too much.”
Tears welled in Tori’s eyes. How could she make her sister understand? “That’s not true.”
“I think it is, at least a little bit,” Piper said with a sad sigh. “Now that I look at it, I can see how you hold yourself back. You do the same with your job. You train people how to handle the worst, how to put on a good face and move on. But you deal with the superficial, smoothing things over so no one has to see the truth underneath the façade.”
“The truth is rarely as pretty as we want it to be.” And the truth was, she’d made a mistake. She’d thought she could have one night with them. She’d thought she could sneak around the whole love thing.
If she never loved anyone, she never had to lose them.
Had she held her sister a bit at arm’s length? Had she treated her more like a role model to worship and less like family?
Piper stared, shaking her head gently, as if she had no idea who Tori was. “Don’t have children, Torrance. It’s not fair if you can’t love them with every bit of your heart and soul. If you can’t give them your all, you’ll ruin them.”
It was the first time her sister had called her by her professional name. Tori felt the distance she’d always tried to maintain widening between her and her sister. And it terrified her.
“I love my nephews.” Her stomach was in a knot. It was so much less painful not to think about the depth of her relationship with Piper. Couldn’t they just be friends? Did they really have to talk about profound stuff?
Wasn’t it enough for her to be kind to the people around her? She didn’t have to be tangled up in their hearts and their lives if they were just “friends.”
Piper narrowed her eyes as she studied Tori. “Do you? I think you think they’re safe because they’re young, but children can die, too, and if you think for a second you wouldn’t be utterly destroyed by losing one of your babies then you haven’t thought this plan out.”
God, she’d never thought about it. She’d thought about being friendly with a husband—she could get by without really needing a man—but she’d always wanted kids. The idea of anything bad happening to little Sabir and Michael flattened her with agonizing grief—and they weren’t even her babies.
The world could be a terrible, sometimes intolerant place. No one was guaranteed forever. No one was guaranteed joy and happiness. What happened if something unspeakable happened to one of her children? How could she go on living? How would she endure the pain?
“Are you all right?” Piper asked.
She shook her head. “No. I’m not. I can’t stand the way you’re looking at me. Please, Piper. I’m not some kind of monster.”
Piper crossed the room and hugged her tight. “I love you, but you have to figure out what you want and how much of yourself you’re willing to risk to have it. You have to look at what happened to our parents through different eyes. You’re still seeing it like a child would.”
“I don’t understand.” She didn’t understand anything.
The night before had been so beautiful, and now she felt as if she stood in a maelstrom of emotion. She wanted the Thurston-Hughes brothers. She ached with terrible desperation, yet that very ache told Tori that she should walk away now. If she didn’t, she could be left in pieces someday. Already, she could feel tears of sorrow and loss rolling down her cheeks. If the worst happened and she started crying, would she ever stop?
Piper slanted a gaze her way, compassion in her blue eyes. “You are taking that loss as the sum of their lives. You aren’t looking at all the joy they had before. I don’t believe Dad killed himself. He was mourning her, but eventually he would have come out of it. He would always have
missed her, always have loved her, but he would have found a life again. I get that you’re scared, but it’s time to move past it. You don’t honor them by living a life where nothing and no one can touch you. You were blessed with two parents who loved each other. Learn from them. Grasp love and joy and happiness with both hands. God, Mindy, you have to let yourself feel because there’s no life worth living that doesn’t also involve loss. If you don’t ache sometimes it’s because you have nothing inside.”
So much for avoiding the profound conversation.
Tori tried not to flinch. “I don’t know if I can do it.”
Her sister took her hands. “You have to try or you will lose them. And you will spend your life alone, regretting their loss every day. Would you rather lose them now, without ever really knowing what their devotion feels like, or what kind of husbands and fathers they would be, or how they would hold your hand