“Indeed.”
“With the basic Phase Discriminators in place.”
“Yes.”
“Tammy, that hidden energy source of yours—is it capable of overriding that sinkwell?”
“If you are asking, Captain, if my energy source has the capacity to override the Latent Implicator Quantum Sinkwell, then the answer is ‘yes.’”
“Tammy, why didn’t you just answer ‘yes,’ instead of repeating what I said first?”
“Apologies, Captain. I was fiddling around in here and found a redundancy-delimiter program, and was checking to see that it still worked. Alas, it does. It works perfectly. Precisely in fact—”
“So,” cut in Hadrian, “if you attach a speck tag on me, you could pluck me out of that field—thus collapsing it—in the instant before the ship explodes?”
“Well, only if I can insert a tense pause before confirming that we have you back on board.”
“You’re learning, Tammy. Okay … Galk!”
“Captain?”
“Link the detonator to the Radulak vessel’s sinkwell collapse, and since we’re dealing with quantum effects here, set it to occur precisely one point five seconds before the collapse. Got it?”
“Acknowledged.”
“Tammy, give me oh, say, eight minutes, before plucking me off that ship.”
“Why so long, Captain?”
“Why, I need to have a conversation with the drench-master. Even better, a fistfight.”
Sin-Dour stepped toward him, one hand half raised. “Sir, the Radulak weigh four hundred pounds, and most of that is endothermic reptilian optimized muscle!”
“And I plan to use every ounce of that muscle against the oaf, 2IC. Now, it’s time to get ready. Sin-Dour, you have command. If anything goes wrong, go down fighting. Give it your all until your last fiery blood-boiling moment. We’re talking pointless annihilation all in the name of avenging my death. Understood?”
“Y-yes, sir.”
“All right. I’m off to Deck Twenty!”
FOURTEEN
Hadrian found Buck waiting outside the airlock chamber on Deck Twenty. “Ah, my chief engineer. What’s up?”
“It’s Tammy, sir! The AI is infiltrating all the drive systems! It has to stop!”
Shrugging into a breathing pack, and then stepping toward a suit-spray pod, Hadrian said, “Tammy, what’s he complaining about?”
“Oh, some minor alterations to improve efficiency, Captain. Hardly a thing to panic about. By the way, do you mind if I attach a camera speck so we can keep an eye on you while you’re on board the Radulak ship?”
“What? No, that’s fine—”
Buck stepped in between Hadrian and the pod. “Nothing’s fine at all, dammit! Those are my engines! My drives! I don’t even recognize the configurations anymore! How can I do my work? Tammy’s making me useless!”
“Buck, for Darwin’s sake, not now. We’ll talk about this when I get back.”
“Captain, I’m warning you! I want satisfaction!”
“You want a duel? Between you and Tammy? Great idea. I’ll be your second. Now get out of my way—I have a ship to save.”
Stepping into the pod, Hadrian activated the spray. While this was going on, Tammy spoke. “I suppose it would be pointless to recommend a personal shield or body armor, wouldn’t it?”
“Getting sweet on me, Tammy?”
“No. I was calculating odds. Presumably, you want to live—I know, by all indications thus far, that may be a wildly inaccurate assumption.”
“What you might see as a death wish, Tammy, is nothing more than the bravado necessary to being a captain worthy of the name. It’s all down to calculating the risks and then throwing the calculations away, because the role of the captain on a Terran starship is a mysterious, ineffable thing when you come down to it.”
“Having observed you thus far, I have to agree. You’re imperious, contradictory, headlong, insulting, irrational, and indeed cruel. Not to mention lascivious. And yet, somehow, you’re still alive, still in charge, and the Willful Child is not a hunk of slag.”
As the faceplate hardened in front of Hadrian’s face, he said, “The risks of judging a book by its cover, Tammy.”
“Oh? You mean to suggest that, deep down inside, you are really none of those things?”
“No, I am. And worse, in fact. But my crew don’t know that, do they? They’re already convincing themselves and each other that I have a heart of gold. I mean, I must have, right?”
“I find that hard to believe, Captain.”
“Really. Fine, tap us into an audio feed of the bridge.”
“Now?”
“Now.”
“Can I add holo?”
“Sure, why not. Pop it up on my HUD.”
He saw the bridge take form in front of his eyes, as if seen from the viewing screen. Sin-Dour was seated in the command chair. Eden was at his station, although he’d swung the chair around to face her. At the helm, Jocelyn Sticks had done the same, since the 2IC was speaking.
“… more than meets the eye, I assure you. After all, the Mishmashi Paradox is designed to test every aspect of personality, psychological profile, and cognitive abilities. It is, in fact, the sole determining template required to achieve the rank of captain. Most prospective candidates require three years to solve it.”
“He hates me!” Eden shouted. “I don’t know why, but he hates me!”
“It’s because you’re better-looking, Jimmy,” said Jocelyn Sticks. “I mean, physically, right? It’s like, you know, it’s like—I was crying, right? You saw me—you all saw me! And then he was like, kiss! And I was like, oh! What? I mean—what?” She reached up and brushed her lips. “So, like, what could I do? And he was, like this—you know? Looking at me like, like I don’t know! But I got all hot inside, like, you know? And then he was, and I was, and then it was back to whatever. Work! Like nothing had happened?”
Jimmy was frowning at her. “What’s all that got to do with me being better-looking?”
“What? Oh, I forget. I mean, looks aren’t everything, you know. There’s this … I don’t know. This other … this thing, you know? It’s different, it’s like, well, like this, and this, and I’m like, well, like this, right? It’s not like anyone can help it, if they—well, kiss! Right here on the bridge! In front of all of you! I was like, oh Darwin! Oh Darwin! That’s all I could think, in my head, you know. Like, Oh, Darwin!”
Sin-Dour cleared her throat. “That will be all, then, Helm. Eyes forward again, please.”
Joss Sticks quickly swung round and Hadrian could see her face as she mouthed, Yeah, whatever, jealous bitch!
“As I was explaining,” Sin-Dour resumed, “the Mishmashi is the crucible. More to the point, it cannot be subverted. You cannot cheat it. There are no shortcuts. Now, I admit, I have accessed his personal file—just to make sure of my instincts—and well, let me tell you all, without going into specifics, that it’s a miracle Hadrian Alan Sawback even survived his childhood, and then, to come out of all of that—that, well, familial horror shop—to come out of that, only to score through the roof on every aptitude test they could throw at him.” She paused, shaking her lovely head. “All I can suggest, ladies and gentlemen, is that there is method to his madness. We’re just not brilliant enough to see it.”
The image flickered and then fizzed out.
Tammy said, “You’ve infected them all!”
Hadrian sighed. “Still lots to learn, huh? Don’t worry, I’m not holding it against you.”
The pod beeped to announce that he was now ready to head into space. Hadrian opened the door and stepped out. Buck was lying curled up into a fetal position on the floor. “What’s wrong with him?”
“Sympathetic claustrophobia,” Tammy replied.
“Huh. Right. So, is the crate waiting in the airlock?”
“Just outside the ship, actually,” the AI replied.
“Good. Remember, eight minutes!”
> “I am an AI, Captain. Failure of memory is not an issue with me.”
“Crap. You drop stuff all the time. You compress. You feather. You shunt and compartmentalize and defrag and all the rest.”
“That’s different! You’ve got your eight minutes, all right? Starting the instant you step onto the deck of that ship.”
“Did you double-check Galk’s work on the bomb?”
“Yes. The man is a genius, Captain. Although, I wonder if I should point out the inherent contradictions accruing to this in-advance-of-the-event initiation protocol. Quantum’s all very well—”
“Not again,” sighed Hadrian as he stepped into the final decompression chamber.
“What do you mean, ‘not again’?”
“We’ve just been through all this.”
“No we haven’t! I can re-spool … oh, very funny, Captain.”
The portal iris opened and Hadrian worked his sticky-boots onto the lip. He stared out onto the infinity of space, although that was mostly blocked by the massive hulk of the Bombast ship. The planet was fast falling into shadow as night slipped over the globe. The sound of Hadrian’s breathing filled his ears with a steady, rhythmic whoosh. “Tammy, cut it out with the SFX, will you?”
“Very well.”
Now, all Hadrian could hear was his heartbeat. Slow, even, with a faint undercurrent of susurration. Abruptly, the beating got louder, faster. “Tammy!”
“Oh fine, then!”
The volume subsided again.
The red crate was hovering only a few feet away. Hadrian launched himself across and took hold of its grip rings. “Magnetize my boots, please.” His feet swung to clunk onto the side of the crate. He climbed up the side and then stepped onto its lid. Taking a wide-legged stance, he said, “Ignite crate thrusters.”
Small spurts of silent white fire pushed the crate forward, with Hadrian perched on top.
Ahead, the Radulak Bombast warship swiftly burgeoned, filling his entire field of view. The forward-facing 954 weapons were all tracking his approach. “Tammy, link me through the drench-master.”
A moment later, the Radulak’s voice boomed in Hadrian’s ears. “We see you! We have overwhelmed your guidance systems! You cannot change your mind!”
“Well, of course I can change my mind, Drench-Master. The point I think you’re trying to make is that it won’t do any good. Did I get that right?”
“I don’t need you to confuse me, Captain Hadrian. We are going to displace you in two Terran minutes, straight to the bridge! You will stand face-to-face with me, your triumphant captor! You will see a hero destined for the sex pool!”
“Speaking of which,” Hadrian said, “I dread asking, but I never did get your name.”
“I am Drench-Master Drown-You-All-in-My-Magnificence, First Rate, of Radulak Bombast-class warship Manly Egg Crusher in the Sea of Rival Fertility Spurts.”
“Nice, but what’s your given name? And if it’s—”
“I am named Grfblprpglylkvt.”
“Well, then, Grfbl—oh crap, can I just call you Brian?”
“There is nothing wrong with Grfblprpglylkvt! It is a perfectly good Radulak name! The Polker say it is a Polker name, but the Polker lie! They stole it! My mother was named Grfblprpglylkvt! Lying, treacherous Polker!”
“Sure thing, but—”
“We displace you now! I win!”
There was a flash and then Hadrian found himself standing on the bridge of the Radulak vessel. His boots squirmed under him, sliding in three inches of slime. A Muppet alien scrambled up his left leg and waved a squeegee in front of his faceplate. Hadrian shook his head. The tiny alien scowled and held out a seven-fingered hand anyway. “Get this thing off me!”
A Radulak stepped in from one side and snatched the Muppet alien, flinging it away.
Hadrian looked around. He counted four Radulak, five including the drench-master. A sixth one was headless and lying in the goop.
From his throne, Grfblprpglylkvt laughed and said, “Stupid Captain Hadrian. Look at the screen behind you!”
Hadrian swung around. “What am I seeing? I can’t see through all that gunk! Someone wipe it down if you want me to actually see anything!”
A half-dozen Muppet aliens rushed to the clean the viewer. Hadrian stared out into space, with the Willful Child a shimmering sunlit speck above the planet. “What am I—” And then he saw the object suspended much nearer. “Hey, you didn’t displace the red crate!”
“That’s right, Captain Hadrian! Now watch!” The drench-master spat at one of his officers who was hunched over a puke-spattered console. The gob slapped the officer’s back. The Radulak grunted without turning and activated something with one gnarly finger.
On the screen, the flare of a missile lit up, but only momentarily, as it then struck the red crate. A white bloom filled the viewer.
“Wynette Tammy is now destroyed! But you I have! Mine. You will be tortured. You will be left dry for weeks! Not a single word will drip its way to you! Your skin will crack and die! Your nostrils will rot! But first, Captain Hadrian, you will watch as I destroy your ship! Weapons! All fire! Fire! Hahaha!”
The 954 various cannons and turrets let loose in a roar, shaking the entire vessel.
Hundreds of proximity missiles ignited the inky sky.
“Dead! Dead! I am clever!”
Squinting at the viewscreen, Hadrian grunted. “Well, that’s curious.”
“What?”
“Well, I think you missed, Drench-Master. With everything.”
“Impossible!”
Hadrian pointed. “The best as I can figure it,” he said, “Tammy went and displaced my entire ship.”
“But Wynette Tammy was in the Red Crate and we destroyed it!”
“Oh, about that. Oh, she’s—those are beam weapons, by the way—”
The Bombast warship shuddered as the red, blue, white, and purple beams scored deep into the Radulak shields. Then the Willful Child’s railguns delivered their first payloads. Tiny bullets hammered home, making the energy shields blossom.
The drench-master snarled and then said, “Shields hold, hah! Prepare a wide burst! Fire!” It then leaned forward. “There! See? Your ship displaced to there but is hit anyway! Its shields will soon buckle! We are invincible!”
“Really?” Hadrian asked. “Let’s see, shall we?” He reached down to his hip, patted around for a moment, and then smiled as his hand found the stealthed holster. Drawing the Interstitial Anticipator Multipacked Near-Infinitely-Repeating Handgun, Mark VII Upgraded, Hadrian pointed it at the nearest Radulak. The weapon barked a nasty bark, and the alien slumped at its consoles. Three more shots and he and the drench-master were alone.
“Now, Brian—”
“That is not my name! I am Grfblprpglylkvt!”
“Rubbish. That’s a Polker name. Everyone knows that.”
With a spraying roar, the Radulak flung itself at Hadrian, who threw the gun to one side and met the alien with fists swinging. One hammered into Brian’s chest. The other slammed into the alien’s throat. Ignoring both blows, Brian slapped Hadrian’s head, reached out, tore shreds from his shirt, and then pushed him to the floor. It stepped forward and kicked the captain. The blow sent Hadrian sliding. But he rolled and regained his feet, and then, rushing forward, the captain leapt and spun around in midair, knees drawn up and then kicking out. Both feet made direct contact with the Radulak’s chest.
The alien was not rocked back. Instead, Hadrian up flew across the room.
The captain crashed into a bank of consoles, slid down, and splatted onto the floor.
Brian marched over, closed one hand around Hadrian’s left ankle, and lifted the man into the air. “Contempt slime!” the Radulak said, and then all nostrils opened wide. A torrent of thick goop lashed out. “Drown, human, as will all your kind! Drown in Radulak contempt!”
Thunder pounded through the ship’s hull. The acrid stench of boiling armor filled the bridge.
??
?What?” The drench-master turned to the console Hadrian had struck. “No! The shields are turned off! The controls are destroyed! Treachery!”
Hanging upside down, Hadrian stabbed out with his free foot, the toe of his boot punching into the alien’s forehead.
“Ow! My noses!”
Brian dropped Hadrian to the floor and clutched at its face. The captain climbed to his feet, and then kicked the alien between the legs.
“Ow! My egg sac!”
Grfblprpglylkvt fell over, curling up. Gasping, it said, “For that you die! We shall win! We shall be triumphant! Victorious! Stay there, I am getting up. I will get up, in a moment. And then, you die! I am not done with you! We are not finished, you and—”
Hadrian displaced.
He reappeared on the bridge of the Willful Child. Someone shrieked, but Hadrian ignored that. He pulled off the face mask and flung it aside, and then faced the viewer, in time to see Grfblprpglylkvt lurch upright. “Sin-Dour! Ship status?”
“Knocked about here and there, sir, but all systems online and—”
“Forget the ship! My crew!”
“Minor injuries only, sir—”
Slime dripped and drooped on the captain, sliding down here and there in thick, runny lumps. Hadrian wiped at his eyes. “Enemy vessel’s condition?”
Tammy spoke. “It’s been pretty impressive, Captain. Galk has quickly mastered the beam-targeting talent—and yes, we must deem it a talent, as he surpasses even me. Anyway, there is one small turret still in operation. Ineffectual now that our shields are restored to full capacity. Effectively, the Bombast ship is dead in space.”
Hadrian said, “Brian! Drench-Master!”
The alien glared up at the screen. “Stay and fight! We have almost won! You will never survive this battle! This engagement will win glory and a lifetime in sex pools, for I will destroy Captain Hadrian and the Willful Child! Shoot, turret! Shoot! Again and again and again!”
Sighing, Hadrian said, “Tammy?”
“Captain?”
“Can you hack into his ship’s main computer? Get it to shut down and go into life-support-repair-only mode?”