“Do you mean would I have an affair with you?” I question.
“Yeah, would you have had an affair with me, would you explore things between us while you were married to someone else?”
“No,” I say without even having to think about it. I may have wanted to, but there is no way I would do that. “When I took my vows, I took them seriously, in hopes that the feelings I felt for him would grow into more with time. I know I didn’t love him the way I should have, but I tried.”
“That’s my point, Lea. He fucked up; you have nothing to feel guilty about. He should have told you straight up that he wanted a divorce before he went out and fucked around on you. That’s not on you. It’s on him. I know it sucked for you, but he fucked up, not you.”
“I felt relieved,” I whisper, lowering my gaze once more.
“Pardon?” He asks dipping his face towards mine so he can see my face.
Clearing my throat, I lift my gaze to his and explain myself. “I felt relieved when I had a reason to divorce him.” I confess feeling tears drip onto my hands, which are gripping the coffee cup in my hands tighter.
“Why didn’t you have kids with him?”
I lift my head and my lips part. When Austin and I were young, we talked often about having children and the kind of parents we would be. I have always wanted to be a mother, and I wanted a baby with Ken, but he always told me the timing wasn’t right, that we should wait. He always had a reason not to try, until eventually I stopped talking to him about it, and it just became another ache deep inside me that would never be fulfilled.
“I know you, Lea. I know you wanted kids. Not just one, but five, I can’t imagine you not making your desire known.”
“I told him.”
“And, he told you no?”
“Yeah.” I shrug like it didn’t hurt every time I brought it up and he told me no.
“What did he give you?” he demands harshly.
“What?” I ask, confused.
“What did he give you that would make you stay loyal to him?”
“I don’t understand your question.” I shake my head.
“He wanted your love, Lea. He had you, but still wanted more. But what was he giving to you that would make you love him with every part of you?”
“He didn’t have to give me anything for me to love him,” I say, offended.
His voice softens along with his face as he reaches out touching my cheek. “You’re wrong, baby. That’s what love is—two people fulfilling the needs of the other person, giving the person what they want, what they need,”
“How can you feel like that?”
“Because, Lea, I know what I would have done if it was me.”
“But he wasn’t you.” And that is the point, isn’t it? No one would ever be Austin for me. No one would ever be able to fulfill the empty space I had inside me from his absence over the last fifteen years. No one but him
“No one has ever been you for me either, baby,” he says, and I hold my cup a little bit tighter as his words wash over me, like a balm that soothes and heals. I have no idea where this will lead between us, but it feels good to have him here to talk to.
“What about you?” I ask, studying him.
“What about me?”
“You know about my past, but I don’t really know much about yours,” I prompt.
“I’ve had a few relationships, cared deeply about a few of the women I was with, and wanted to be able to take the next step with one of them, but could never do it.”
I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking, but still, the words are out before I can think better of it, for the sake of my own heart. “What do you mean?”
“Thought I was in love once. She was messed up over her ex, but I still believed that if things worked out in the end that she would be mine.”
“Oh.” My heart drops into my stomach from a sharp, unexpected pain.
“She moved away and ended up back with her ex, who she had a baby with. They worked things out and are still going strong. I cared about her; she’s a good woman, but we weren’t meant to be. I’m happy for her. She deserves happiness.”
I lift my cup to my lips, taking another sip, not tasting anything as I swallow it down. I have no right to feel the tendrils of jealousy that are wrapping around me, but I do feel them, like a million barbs tightening around my stomach and lungs, strangling me.
“We both have a past, Lea.” He says reading my face.
“I know.” Looking at him now, I know how strong he is, so much stronger than me, and a much better person than I am. I don’t want to know about his past. I don’t want to hear about him loving someone else. Yes, I know that makes me selfish, but I hate the idea that he had a life without me. Yet, I’m still not brave enough to ask him why, if he had such a hard time being without me, did he not come for me. Honestly, I don’t want to hear the truth, whatever it may be. I would rather live in the moment and pretend there isn’t a million things we need to talk about, a million things that are standing between us.
Chapter 10
Lea
“I can’t believe Ken and Austin stayed the night at your house,” Rhonda says, scooting back in the bed, resting against the headboard.
This morning, after Austin and I talked and had breakfast, Ben called and asked if I could spend the day with Rhonda, because the doctor put her on bed rest and he didn’t want her to be alone. At that point Ken still hadn’t shown back up, and I honestly didn’t want to be there if he did, so I said of course and Austin dropped me off at their house, giving me a lingering kiss before taking off to do some work on his boat.
“It was definitely strange,” I agree, sitting down on the bed next to her.
“So Austin’s working?”
“Yeah, he told me he doesn’t have another opener for a few days, but he wanted to get everything set up with the boat before then,” I say, and she nods then her eyes go soft in concern.
“How was breakfast with both of them there?” she asks curiously.
“We didn’t have breakfast. We had coffee, and coffee turned into Austin flipping out and Ken apologizing for being a dick during our marriage then storming out of the house.”
“Is he staying at your place tonight?”
“I would guess yes, unless he decides to sleep in his car, which I know he won’t,” I say, not looking forward to that for the second night in a row.
“Austin will be there with you.”
“I know.” I close my eyes in relief and lean my head back against the headboard.
“Do you want to talk about what’s going on between you and Austin?” she asks gently, and I roll my head to the side to look at her.
“I think we’re still trying to figure it out.” I sit up, feeling a weight in my stomach, and I wring my hands together on my lap. “Do you think it’s weird that I’m falling in love with him?” I ask quietly.
“No,” she states immediately and firmly. “In high school, everyone knew you guys were the real deal, and even though you have been apart for the last fifteen years, nothing has changed. Yes, you guys have a lot to talk about and some major shit to work through, but anyone who’s in the same room with you two for more than a few minutes can see and feel the love that you have for each other.”
“I’m afraid.”
“I can understand that, but if you push through your fear, I think you can have something really beautiful.” I let her words sink in while she reaches over, picking up the remote control, then turns on the TV. “Do you want to watch the Notebook?”
“I’ve never seen it.” I shrug, and her eyes grow huge.
“Well, grab a box of tissues, ’cause you’re gonna need it.”
“I’ll be okay,” I tell her, kicking off my shoes and tucking my feet under me on the bed getting comfortable.
“What the hell is going on?” Ben asks, stepping into the bedroom, where Rhonda and I are lying with are eyes red and puffy from crying.
“Your wife
made me watch the Notebook,” I choke out on another sob, covering my face.
“Fuck, seriously, babe?”
“It’s a great movie,” Rhonda answers on a cry.
“It…it’s so sad and so beautiful,” I cry harder, dabbing my eyes with one of the many tissues scattered around me.
“Jesus,” Ben says, shaking his head, looking between the two of us like he doesn’t know what to do.
“I’m hungry,” Rhonda blurts, and Ben chuckles, placing his arms on the bed on either side of her.
“What do you want to eat babe?”
“Corndogs with mustard and jalapenos from The Wheelhouse.” She says immediately.
“You got it.” He kisses her nose then turns to look at me. “You want anything?”
“No, but do you mind dropping me at home on your way through town?” I ask picking up my mess.
“Wolf should be done soon,” he replies standing.
“I know, but I don’t want him to rush, and I have some stuff at the house I need to get done.”
“You gonna be okay baby?” He asks Rhonda who nods and he bends double kisses her once more as I get off the bed and slip on my shoes. Walking around the bed I wrap my arms around her, muttering, “See you later,” before pulling away and following Ben out of the room to his truck.
When we reach my house Ken’s car is nowhere in sight, and I breathe a sigh of relief that I don’t have to deal with him right now.
“Thanks for the ride, and let me know if you need anything,” I tell Ben as I unhook my seatbelt.
“Thanks for hanging out,” he smiles, and I nod then hop out of his truck, waving him off as I step into the house and lock the door behind me.
Setting my bag and keys on the table near the door, my step falters and my heart begins to beat hard. I haven’t had a lot of time to think about my mom not being here since she’s passed away. There has always been someone around to distract me from the silence, but walking into the quiet house and coming face-to-face with nothing, I realize she will never greet me again. We will never have another conversation. She is gone and I am alone. My breath chokes out as I slide down the door to my ass and bring my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, and cry. I don’t know how long I sit there crying, but I hear a car pull up outside, a door slam, and feet on the wood of the porch before a knock on the door. I wipe my face with the inside of my shirt and stand on shaky legs, opening the door.
“Baby, what the fuck happened?” Austin asks, and before I know it, I’m up in his arms and wrapping myself around him, wanting to crawl inside his skin to hide from the pain.
“It’s so quiet,” I whimper into his neck. “She’s gone.”
“It’s okay, baby. Let it go; I’ve got you,” he says, and I cry harder into his neck as everything I have been holding in boils to the surface.
“I’m so alone,” I tell him as his body doubles and he sits on the couch with me in his lap.
“You’re not alone,” he grunts, settling his hand on the back my head, sheltering me.
“Please don’t leave me.” I beg.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he says, making me cry even harder. I don’t deserve him, not after leaving him. But I can’t help myself from desperately begging him not to leave me. “You have me always, Little Lamb.” His arms wrap tighter around me, anchoring me to him as I cry until I can’t cry anymore.
By the time my tears have dried up, my body is exhausted and my eyes feel like they have sand in them. Austin carries me to bed and crawls in behind me, hugging me until I fall asleep.
I wake up with a headache from crying and the room lit with sunlight. I take a moment to lie there, then hear voices coming from somewhere in the house. Getting up, I pull off my sweater, leaving me in a thin shirt and my jeans, and walk into the living room, where Ken and Austin are sitting, talking quietly. I don’t think I will ever get used to seeing them in the same room.
Austin’s head comes up, our gazes connect, and his face goes soft. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I repeat then look down at my sock-covered feet, feeling suddenly awkward after the way I broke down earlier.
“Dinner’s almost done. Are you hungry?”
I nod then wrap my arms around my waist as I bring my head back up, but looking at Ken this time as I feel his eyes burning into me.
“I got an earlier flight. I just stopped by to tell you I’m leaving, and when I get home, I’ll sign the papers.”
“I appreciate that.”
His face goes soft, and a look I haven’t seen from him since we first started dating fills his eyes. “E-mail me sometime, just to tell me you’re okay.”
“Sure,” I lie, knowing this is the last I will ever talk to him again. He gets up off the couch and walks to the door, stopping and turning back to me. My body stiffens, expecting him to embrace me, but instead, he leans in, kissing my forehead.
“Take care of yourself, Lea.”
“You, too,” I murmur, watching as he opens then closes the door behind himself. My heart doesn’t even tug knowing I will never see him again.
“How are you feeling?” Austin asks, wrapping his strong arms around me from behind.
“Okay…better.”
His lips brush over my temple then my ear before settling on the curve of my neck, where he mutters, “Good.”
“Sorry about earlier.”
He turns me in his arms and his eyes search mine. “I’m not.” His hands come up and he holds my face gently, and my hands move to his sides. “Next time, you call me when you feel like that.”
“It happened suddenly,” I say, looking away from him.
“I know, but if it happens again,” he gives me a slight shake, “you call, and I’ll stop whatever I’m doing to come to you.”
“I don’t want to burden you.”
“You’re not a burden, and don’t spew that shit at me, ’cause all it does is piss me off, baby.”
I feel a frown form on my lips and my eyebrows pull together. “How does me not wanting to burden you piss you off?”
“As your man, it’s my job to take care of you, Lea, even if that means I’m just a shoulder for you to cry on when you need it.”
“Oh,” I whisper, because he just said he’s my man, and that statement causes my whole body to light up from the inside out.
“Yeah, oh,” he says, still sounding annoyed.
“Umm…” I look over his shoulder, and his fingers pressing in on my cheek bring my eyes back to him. “I didn’t know.”
“Didn’t know that you’re mine.” He asks and I nod.
“You’ve always been mine but you gotta help me take care of you, Lea.” His tone and the way those words wrap around me have my body melting into him, pressing my chest to his, and sliding up on my tiptoes to get closer to him.
“I like that you want to take care of me,” I say and he grunts, pulling me closer to him, then lowers his mouth down to mine, licking across my lips while coasting his hands over my backside, palming my ass and pulling the lower half of my body tighter against his.
“You need to eat,” he groans, ripping his mouth away from mine, but instead of stepping back, one hand fists a handful of my hair, pulling back, and his mouth travels down the side of my neck, causing wetness to spread between my legs. My fingers clutch onto his biceps, trying to keep balanced as a deep wave of desire pulses through me.
“Austin,” I whimper as he kisses back up to my mouth.
“I’m here, baby,” he growls, lifting me off my feet. My legs wrap around his hips and he turns my back to the wall, the hard outline of his erection hitting me right between the legs as he presses against me.
“Yes,” I moan loudly as his head bends and his teeth scrape against my nipple through the material of my shirt and bra. My hands that had been on his shoulders scrape through his hair, pulling at the roots.
“We gotta slow down.”
“Yeah,” I agree, dropping my mouth down to his, biting his lowe
r lip, and pulling it hard.
Then he’s gone. I blink a couple times and lean back against the wall, trying to catch my breath as I watch him stand a few feet away, breathing the same as I am, his chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath.
“Fuck,” he groans, palming himself through his jeans and shifting his erection to the side. “Go into the kitchen, baby. I can’t look at you like you are right now, so I need you to go into the kitchen and give me five minutes to get myself under control.”
Swallowing, my eyes drop to his bulge again, and his growl echoes through the room, causing me to jump and scurry out through the doorway to the kitchen. I press my back to the wall, closing my eyes, willing my body to calm down, and thankfully, when Austin comes into the kitchen five minutes later, we have both calmed enough that we are able to sit together, have a quiet dinner before moving to the couch to watch a movie. I don’t ask Austin to stay the night again, but don’t complain when he takes me to bed and gets in with me.
I wake with Austin’s breath brushing my ear, his hand wrapped around my breast, my leg cocked out at the hip, with his leg tangled with mine. Ken never held me at night, even after sex. He would roll to his side and fall asleep. He never cuddled unless he was using it as a form of foreplay, so waking up having Austin wrapped around me two days in a row gives me a glimpse at what my life would have been like if things had been different.
Wrapping my hands around his arm I try to lift it so I can fix my tank top, which only gains me a squeeze from him, making my core tighten in response.
“Go back to sleep.” His words brush against the shell of my ear, making my nipples harden into sharp points below his palm and my lips part on a gasp.
Hearing the sound his breathing changes, becoming deeper, he drags my tank top off over my head. Then his thumb slides over my nipple, causing my back to arch and his hips to press into my side, where I feel his erection.
“Austin,” I breathe.
He grunts, giving me another swipe over my nipple before slowly sliding his hand up, wrapping it around the column of my throat then down, covering my other breast, palming it and pulling my nipple between his fingers, giving it a gentle tug. The roughness of his palm traveling down over my stomach, causes my muscles to contract and my nails to dig into his arm.