She just said, “Huh.”
Then one of the village lads ran into Ruby’s legs on his bike. I think they call him “Bites yer legs.” I asked Ruby why and she said because he was called Norman. And I had said, “Oh, I see,” but I don’t. He was about Ruby’s age.
She clattered him across his head and he said, “Ay up, Ruby, going my way, luv?”
Ruby looked at him. “What, with thee?”
He said, “Aye, I’ve got some tripe for the dog and I’ve got summat for thee as well. Interested?”
Ruby said, “Might be.”
He said, “This is my offer, tripe for tha dog and I’ll bike you home and give thee a snog if you’re lucky.”
Ruby hit him over the head again. Which seemed to me the right thing to do, but then she said, “All right, shift up.”
And she got on the back of Norm’s bike. Matilda trotted off behind, her little doggie bottom waggling under the pink tutu.
This place never ceases to amaze me. You never read stuff like this in Jane Eyre. I don’t think the Brontë sisters would be on the school curriculum if people really knew what the North was like.
Inside the village hall, the stage was set up with microphones and a drum kit. Vaisey said, going a bit redder, “That’s Jack’s kit, I think he’s got new sticks.”
One of the big lads that I’d seen at The Blind Pig was doing a disco before The Jones came on. Quite a few peeps were dancing around and Flossie said, “Let’s cheer ourselves up by doing the famous Hiddly Diddly Diddly dance as a group. None of us have got the knees for it, besides Tallulah, but we can do our best.”
I felt proud that I had a dance named after me and when the next fast record came on we all started leaping and waggling our legs. It made you a bit hysterical leaping up and down. My knees were coming into their own. I was leaping higher and higher!! Vaisey’s hair had gone mad.
As we did our grand final leap, the music stopped, and the Bottomly sisters arrived. We were panting and leaning against chairs. And Eccles, Chas, and Dil came and looked at us. I mean really came and looked at us. Looming over us with their arms crossed.
It’s not just Beverley that’s got big arms; it’s all the Bottomly girls.
Eccles said, “Look at the state of you lot, tha’s’ll never get any decent lads to look at you.”
Dil said, “Not unless they were gormless lads from the Funny Farm.”
And they all laughed. Then Eccles said, straight to me, “Ay, and you long lanky streak of nowt, keep your bloody hands off Cain. I’m watching thee.”
And then they went off to talk to some lads by the bar. Eccles really has got an enormous bottom.
I said to the girls, “I wouldn’t like to get involved with her bottom on a dark night.”
After a few minutes of looking at who was there (what I mean is noticing that Charlie wasn’t there) the disco stopped and the lights on the stage went dim. Then the big lad from The Blind Pig said into the microphone, “Ladles and jellyspoons, it’s what you’ve been waiting for, so go crazy as I give you our own local lads, the one, the only, The JONES!!!!!!”
Jack came shyly on first and Vaisey started clapping wildly. He looked at her and smiled. He is a sweet-looking boy, and it’s nice that he likes Vaisey. Unless he has a funny turn like he did when Cain told him that the band shouldn’t have regular girlfriends because it spoiled their image. God, he’s vile. Cain, I mean.
Next was Ruben Hinchcliff. He looked very annoyed and he was either wearing a lot of eye makeup or he had a black eye. When Jack sat down at his drums he waved his drumstick at Vaisey and she went all red. Aaaahhhh.
She said in my ear, “He’s waving with his new drumstick.”
I wish I had someone to wave at me.
Jack started rocking out on the drums and Ruben joined in on bass.
Then Seth Hinchcliff swaggered on. He had his guitar slung around his waist like a gunslinger. The girls went, “Oooohhhhh,” and Flossie said, “Oh yes, he’s the one for me.”
I looked at her. “Flossie, they are like wild animals in trousers, as I’ve said before, you …”
But she was smiling at him from underneath her fringe. And he caught her eye and winked at her. This is bad.
This will only end in tears.
And I wasn’t the only one who thought it was bad. The Bottomly sisters had noticed the looking thing between Flossie and Seth, and they were looking over at us. Uh-oh. We huddled closer together.
Then, after a long pause, Cain Hinchcliff, the Black Prince himself, strutted onto the stage. He looked at us, then turned his back, lit a fag, and stubbed it out. Then lit another one.
I whispered, “You see what he did. People don’t count stubbing cigarettes out as littering, but it is just the same thing, you know I—”
Flossie said, “Be quiet, Lullah. I am looking at Seth.”
The crowd was chanting, “The Jones, The Jones, The Jones!”
Cain turned around and picked up the microphone. He growled into it. “Why should I bother wi’ thee?”
Someone at the back shouted, “Coz we luv thee lads.”
Cain snarled, “Love? What’s that all about then? ALL LOVE IS PAIN!!!!”
And the music started crashing out as Cain shouted over the top of it.
He was snarling, “Your love is my pain!!!”
Kicking the amps and glaring at the audience.
Bloody hell. I wouldn’t say he knew how to have a nice time. He’s always so cross. And the lyrics are not exactly happy and cheerful. Flossie said, “I don’t think their mummy and daddy told them that they were little sunbeams for Jesus.”
Near the end of the first set my ears were buzzing. The crowd was clapping and yelling but then Cain spoke softly into the microphone, “Keep it down, lads.” And Jack, Seth, and Ruben began playing softly. Cain went on, “This is a special song for a lass I know … very well. If tha knows what I mean.”
There was a restless sigh through the crowd. Knowing Cain, probably every girl in the village thought it was a song for her. At that moment Beverley entered through the side door. Cain saw her and said, “This is a song for someone, someone who knows who she is.”
Beverley looked like she was blushing and smiled at her sisters, who did a thumbs-up to her.
The lyrics to the song were:
I thought you were off, but you’re not
Tha just keep hanging around
Like a bloodhound
I’ve already got a dog.
As soon as she heard it, Beverley flung off out of the door and the other Bottomly sisters bustled their way through the crowd, saying, “Beverley, luv, hang on! Dun’t go near that river! He’s not worth it.”
At the end of the set, we went outside for some air and sat on the wall.
Vaisey said, “Jack’s quite good at drumming, isn’t he?”
I said, “Well, he can certainly hit things.”
A few of the boys from Woolfe were strolling in. Ben was there and as he flopped past me he smiled.
Then Honey said, “Hello, Ben, you look weally handthome.”
I was sort of hoping that Charlie would turn up. But there was no sign of him.
Jo was in seventh heaven. Going on about Phil. “He said he really, really wanted to get back to see me. He likes me, he likes me, he really, really likes me. You were right about the human glue thing, Lullah. He mentioned my cracking snogging. Ooooh, I wonder what he is going to do to get back to Woolfe Academy? It’s la romantic, isn’t it?”
She really thinks I know something about human glue. Which I don’t. So far I’ve had a bat kiss, then a nice kiss that turned out to be from a boy who just wanted to be my mate, and finally a nose-licking incident.
I wish I had someone who would mention my cracking snogging. I wondered if Charlie had liked snogging me at all? Maybe he hasn’t got a girlfriend and he only pretended to have one because I was so useless at it.
It’s so unfair, how can you get good at snogging if no one w
ill give you a chance?
We were sitting on the wall in the moonlight when Seth wandered out. He had a towel and was rubbing at his hair as he leaned against the side of the door. All cocky and relaxed. Rubbing his hair. The Hinchcliffs have got twisty mouths just made for sneering and saying mean things. They are quite handsome, I suppose, if you like that sort of dark maniac look.
He stared at Flossie, who got out her compact and put some lippy on. Then she snapped the compact shut and stared back at him.
Seth said, “Nice.”
I looked at him haughtily and sniffed and he looked at me but just at my front bit, so I put my arms across my corkers. I hope I am wrong about them growing three inches a week otherwise they’ll be able to be seen over Grimbottom.
To change the subject and ignore Seth, I said to Vaisey, “Ted Barraclough has started a band. It’s called The Iron Pies. Ruby said that they are going to be doing local gigs.”
But she wasn’t listening to me, she was too busy smiling at Jack who had also just come out.
Jack said shyly, “Hello, Vaisey. How is it going, all right?”
Vaisey blushed and bobbed her curls around. “Yes, yes … We’re all very much enjoying your playing. Are you liking your new sticks?”
Jack said, “Yeah, did you notice? They’re special ones I got in London and they make the hard hat really ping out.”
Hard hat? Ping? Vaisey was nodding her curls about, and the next thing I knew, she and Jack had gone off “to look around.”
Seth shouted after them, “Don’t do owt I wouldn’t do, Jack. And that leaves you a wide field. You little sinhound.”
Then he said to Flossie, “All right, big lass?”
Flossie adjusted her glasses. Then she went over to him and looked him straight in the eyes. He put some chewing gum in his mouth and chewed on it and then said, “Cor.”
Flossie slapped him on the back quite hard and said, “All right, big lad?”
He choked on his chuddie but as she turned away, he slapped her on her bottom. Jo and I stood closer together. Like the sheep. Now he’d done it.
Flossie stopped and turned round. They were nose to nose, and for a minute we thought she was going to kiss him. Noooooo, she must have gone mad. But then just as he was puckering up, she slapped him hard on his bum.
He shot into the air and said, “Bloody hell. You’ve got a firm hand for a lass, tha might have ruined my singing career.”
As we went back into the gig, he said, “Grrrr.”
And she snarled back, “Grrr.”
I said to her, “What on earth are you doing?”
And she said, “Growling.”
I said, “Why?”
And she said, “I don’t know. I’ve got youthful high spirits. He brings out the animal in me.”
Vaisey came in just before the gig began again. Her hair looked like mad hair and she was all blushy. Flossie said, “What have you been up to?”
Vaisey said, “Well, you know, we, well, Jack was all excited about, well, his sticks and everything, you know.”
Jo said, “Never mind about his sticks, what kind of snogging did you do?”
Vaisey looked even redder.
“Well, we … He held my …”
We all shouted, “WHAT??? Your what??”
I said, “Your corkers, did he hold your corkers? Your bottom, was it your bottom?”
Vaisey said, “No, of course not. He held my hand—”
Jo said, “Aaaah, that’s sweet, he held your hand. How lovely and romantic, holding your hand.”
Vaisey said, “No, no, he held, well, he held my handbag. In case it was … heavy.”
Crikey. I couldn’t think of anything to say.
There was no sign of Honey. I wondered where she was?
Oooh, there she was, over by the bar talking to Ben.
He looked like she had hypnotized him.
The Bottomlys came back into the hall. They were with a big crowd of village girls, gathered round Beverley near the edge of the stage. Beverley looked like she had been crying. Eccles put her arm around Beverley’s shoulders and glared at us.
Why, what had we done?
Eccles was chewing on something (possibly cow heel) and said loudly, “Dun’t take no notice of these posh twits and dun’t take no notice of ’im, he’s a bad un, Beverley, all of them Hinchcliffs are.”
Beverley was snuffling. But she’s got quite a loud voice so we could hear what she was saying. “He said that I was allus moaning on and that he wanted his freedom.”
Eccles said, “Well, give him his bloody freedom then, let him sling his hook.”
Then the lights dimmed and the big lad from The Blind Pig leapt onstage and said, “Once again, it’s them, they’re back. Our very own local boys made good. Well all right, maybe not good, there’s been the odd feighting but here they are, they’re loud, they’re proud, they are … The Jones!!!!!” Jack came on (yes, with his new sticks) and started doing a drum roll, and Ruben came on and took a bow, then Seth, who spat out his chewing gum and took up his guitar. And last Cain ambled on.
He said, “Are you still here?”
I thought he was talking to the audience but realized he was looking straight at Beverley.
He started singing a low really menacing song.
I said to the girls, “Is he singing ‘Put your coat on, girl, you’re leaving’?”
They nodded.
And he was singing it directly to Beverley. She was dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief.
She looked at him and he looked back and then still singing, he went to the edge of the stage and brought on a coat. It was Beverley’s coat that she had on when she came in. He threw it off the stage at her. She caught it and the crowd went, “Ooooohh,” although a boy did call out, “Well held, that big lass!!!” and Beverley rushed sobbing out of the hall.
Hell’s teeth, he was a cad.
I despised him.
Even if Beverley didn’t like me, I don’t think he should be so mean to her.
When The Jones finished, people clapped and cheered. But not the Bottomlys. And not me. I folded my arms. Cain saw me and gave me his twisty smile.
And I gave him my very worst look.
That would teach him.
Folded arms and a worst look.
Then he did this thing, in front of everyone. In the spotlight. He looked straight at me and he put his tongue out and did a licking motion.
Oh my God.
He was doing licking off the hailstone.
The Bottomly sisters turned round. Dil rolled back her sleeves. Her arms are huge.
Flossie said, “I don’t know what that was about, but as Cain said, put your coats on, girls, we’re leaving.”
And that’s what we did.
We walked away from the gig all linked up. And as we looked back, Eccles, Dil, and Chas were standing in the doorway of the village hall. Eccles put two fingers to her eyes and then pointed them at us.
Honey said, “I don’t think they weally like us, those village girls. One of those wough village boyth bought me a dwink and a girl looked at me in a howwid way. Like thith.”
And Honey screwed her face up and wrinkled her nose.
I said, “That is definitely not a liking type of face. In fact it looks like Matilda’s face. It wasn’t Matilda in a frock, was it?”
We walked to where the path to Dother Hall started, and there was no sign of us being followed. Flossie started her Southern belle shenanigans again. “Why, I am sooooooo pooped with the goddam heat an all.”
I said, “It’s beginning to sleet.”
Flossie gave me a casual slap on the back of my head and went on. “And those young men, all gathering around … That Seth boy just a-bothering me with his sly ways.”
I said to Honey, “What were you doing with bat boy?”
Honey said, “He’s quite thweet weally. I was just giving him a bit of twaining.”
We all looked at her.
Flo
ssie said, “What do you mean, twaining?”
Honey said, “Well, itth like Wuby thaid, thome boyth don’t know how to do thingth and tho you have to teach them. I didn’t have much time, but I took him outthide …”
I said, “Is that what you were doing? He looked like he’d been hypnotized.”
Honey said, “Yeth, I used my eyeth on him.”
“Cor,” I said. “You did hypnotic eyes?”
Honey fluttered her eyelashes and said, “Oh yeth. And then I taught him about tongueth tho that he doesn’t do the bat thing again.”
I said, “Did you tell him that I said kissing him was like having a little bat trapped in my mouth?”
Honey shook her golden hair about. “No, thilly, boyth like to know how to be good at thingth. I told him, ‘I will teach you about kithing pwoperly tho that girlth will like you.’”
As they went up the path to Dother Hall I could still hear Jo’s voice echoing amongst the trees.
“Phil likes me, he really, really likes me. He—”
Then Flossie’s voice, “Miss Jo, will you stoooop that goddam racket before you force me to do something that ah will regret.”
Jo shouted, “No!”
There was the sound of a struggle and muffled shouting.
And Vaisey saying, “Flossie, she’ll stretch your cardigan with her head if you don’t let go.”
And finally Flossie singing, “I’m just a girl who cain’t say nooooo, I’m in a terrible fix!”
As their voices faded off, I walked slowly across the green.
It was a full moon and the lights were still on in The Blind Pig. I wonder where Alex is. In his room somewhere in Liverpool.
In his frilly shirt. His frilly nighttime shirt. I’m sure he doesn’t wear pajamas. He’s not a pajama sort of guy, I think.
It would have been nice to have seen him.
Although not when Cain was doing his licking thing.
I wouldn’t have liked to have to tell him about me being ice-cream girl.
Alex would never lick a girl’s nose. Unless it’s something I don’t know about yet. Maybe “nose-licking” is on the snogging scale somewhere. I wish I’d written the bloody thing down now. Maybe “knee-hugging” is on there as well, in which case I’ve been snogged by the lunatic twins as well as everything else.