Blaise said, “We’ll have to find a way to keep those legs under control. They have a life of their own, Tallulah.”
She doesn’t need to tell me that. And of course she doesn’t know about my cracking snogging techniques either. And by the way, never will.
At home time I was wrapping my scarf around me, when Lavinia pounced.
“Begorrah, begosh, bejesus, Tallulah Casey. To be sure, to be sure, to be sure. How the devil are you?”
I mumbled, “Fine, thank you, just going home.”
She put her arm around me. “Now when are we going to get together with that nice Alex?”
I said, “Oh, I see. Oh, he’s been back but he’s gone again.”
She perked up and flicked her hair about.
“Did he … did you … ask him about coming and helping us?”
I said, “Well, I didn’t get a chance really because he was with his girlfriend, Candice.”
Lavinia said, “His girlfriend?”
I smiled. “Yep. Candice.”
She said, “Did you know he had a girlfriend?”
I said, “No, but Ruby says he met her at college and they have only just started going out.”
Why was I telling her this?
She looked thoughtful.
“Oh, I see. Hmmmm. See you later, Tallulah. Probably a bit too busy to do any lunchtime performances this term.”
And she went off.
So every cloud does have a silver lining. But it had made me long for Mr. Darcy again.
It was freezing on the way home from Dother Hall and I could hardly move my face. Ruby came scampering to meet me as I passed the post office. She said, “Brr, come and have hot choccy with me.”
I said, shivering, “Is your dad in?”
Ruby said, “Nah, he’s at band rehearsal. Come on.”
I couldn’t find out any more from Ruby about Candice. When I said casually, “So how is Alex doing at college? Is he, does he, see Candice a lot? I suppose they go mushrooming quite a lot.”
She rolled her eyes at me and said, “Don’t even think about it.”
So we sipped our choccy and she showed me some of her art from school.
I said, “What’s this one?”
And she said, “That’s Mrs. Bottomly stalking Cain on the moors.”
I said, “Does anyone know where he is?”
Ruby said, “Nah.”
I’d noticed it getting quite windy, and the trees rustling and creaking for the last hour, but then it suddenly got much worse. Doors slammed, and the wind moaned, like a ghostie down the chimney in Ruby’s bedroom. Oooohhh, it was a bit creepy.
I said to Ruby, “I’d better get home before the pub blows down. I wouldn’t like to be Cain out there in this.”
Ruby said, “They’re tough, those lads. Since their mam left. Well, you’ve got to be, haven’t you. Get on with it, I mean.”
I was going to ask what had happened to Ruby’s mum, but she started playing with Matilda and I didn’t like to.
I said good-bye and went outside. Jeepers creepers, it was wild. I had to hold on to my hat. As I passed the beginning of the path that led up the back road to the moors, I couldn’t help thinking about Cain again.
I know he doesn’t deserve it, but I am a bit worried about him. Out there all alone.
In the dark and cold.
He might die out there. Or at least get pneumonia.
And what will he be eating? I wonder if he is having to cook worms for his tea?
Return of Cain the Bad
AS I STOOD LOOKING up the path, I could see the rocks and crags, bleak against the darkening sky. The wind was whistling and howling. There was something creepy and exciting about it. I liked it somehow, I don’t know why. It suited my mood, I suppose.
And also what was there to be frightened of? On the moors? Fang was just a silly village story. How could a dog be half-dog half-donkey? If Fang was half-otter half-dog, that would be more likely. And who could be frightened of that? A dog that really liked swimming? That’s not very scary.
As I stood there being blown about by the wind, I was still excited about Charlie saying I was a cracking kisser. If it was true, maybe there was a way I could show Alex that I wasn’t just a little girl anymore. I pulled my coat about me. I thought I’d go and look at the moors. I went up the back road as far as the low branch. Ruby told me that if you hung upside down on it, it made you happy because all the bad feelings dropped out.
I’m going to try it. I turned upside down on the branch and was swinging by my legs. In the wind. It was quite peaceful as I rocked back and forward.
The sky looked even more dramatic upside down. Then there was a really loud rumble of thunder and a crash of lightning. I got the right way round quickly. The atmosphere had gone all shivery. It must be about to pour down.
And then I felt a presence. There was definitely something alive very near to me. Oh no.
Fang. He might really, really be real. Maybe he can smell teenagers.
I looked into the dark fearfully. I could see a dark shape. Oooooh noooooo.
It wasn’t Fang. But it was nearly as bad.
“What’s tha doin’ hanging abhat here?”
Cain was there, looking at me from underneath his eyelashes. I couldn’t see his eyes very well as he had his collar up.
He went on looking.
And I went on looking.
I was so shocked to see him I couldn’t speak. I managed to croak out. “Are you … well, are you all right? No one knew where you were. And one of the lads said you might have, you know, been dead.”
I could see his teeth curving into a bitter smile. He said, “Why, were you worried abaht me? Did you miss me?”
I said, “No, I didn’t, well, you know, we didn’t know where you were, and Mrs. Bottomly with her gun and everything.”
Cain said, “That woman couldn’t hit a bloody elephant, even if it had a target painted on it.”
I said, “Oh, OK. Well … are you, er, coming back into Heckmondwhite?”
He came a bit closer and sat down on the branch where I’d been hanging upside down. Oh God, had he seen me doing that? Thank Jehosophat, I’d got my trousers on.
He was looking down at his feet.
“No, not yet. Ah’ll leave it a bit longer, let things quiet dahn.”
I said, “Where have you—I mean, have you got a nice cave to stay in?”
He laughed. “I’m not a bloody dog.”
I felt a bit stupid.
Then he sighed. “Ay up, I’m sorry, I know tha’s being nice. You’re a funny one, you, aren’t you?”
I sniffed, “Oh yeah, that’s me. The funny one. I know you make fun of me and call me stuff.”
He looked at me.
“I don’t mean to mek fun of thee, it’s just my way. Since me mam went, I don’t get on with wimmen right well. They’re not straight, they allus want summat.”
I said, “Well, I don’t want summat. I mean, I don’t want anything.”
He looked at me and I couldn’t help looking back. There was something about his dark eyes.
“Oh, I think you do want something. You just don’t rightly know what it is.”
I was feeling very sort of scared, I don’t know why. Maybe because I never know what he’s going to do. Poke me with a stick, laugh at me. Lick my nose.
He said, “I mek thee feel funny.”
I said, “Hahahahahaha.”
He said, “Anyway up, I’d best be off … to my cave.”
And he laughed and stood up.
“You bloody duck egg, a cave.”
I said, “Well, anyway, erm, see you.”
I turned to go back down the path.
My legs felt very wobbly.
They had better not do anything unusual.
I didn’t hear him going off, but then I hadn’t heard him arrive.
Maybe he’d got slippers on. Why would he wear his slippers outside. He didn’t seem the slippers kind o
f …
He was still there, because he said softly and seriously, “Lullah, I shouldn’t ask thee this, it might cause you trouble, but will you do summat for me.”
I turned round.
He walked toward me, quite slowly, and stood right in front of me. He is quite tall. Now I could see his eyes properly in the moonlight. So black. I felt like a mesmerized mouse. He’d better not peck my head off.
Then he said, “I want thee to kiss me.”
I was absolutely paralyzed.
He put both his hands on the sides of my face and bent down and kissed me.
At first I thought my head would just fall off.
But when my brain unfroze … I liked it.
He put his hands on my waist and they felt warm and strong.
The kissing thing was a combination of softness and hardness. And it wasn’t just my mouth. My whole body felt tingly and warm and sort of melty. He stopped kissing me for a minute, and I didn’t want him to. I could feel his breath on my face, all warm in the cold night.
He looked me in the eyes, then he half smiled. I could see his teeth sparkling like pearls. He took my face in his hands again and pushed a strand of my hair back, and then bent his face down to mine again. And gave me little gentle kisses on the mouth. Wow. Then just when I thought I might explode or burst into flames, he kissed me really long. And just a little bit of his tongue licked at the inside of my lips.
It was incredible.
I didn’t have any sense of time. It might have been hours or minutes, I had no idea.
But I knew I wanted to go on doing it.
Then I heard Ruby shouting in the darkness.
“Matilda, come back, tha daft apporth.” And out of the darkness, Matilda came scampering up the path.
Cain stopped kissing me. He whispered softly, “There you are, Miss. That’s given tha summat to think about, hasn’t it? See thee later.”
And his big black dog appeared from nowhere and looked at Matilda, who lay on her back with her legs in the air.
Cain laughed and said, “We’re in.” They both slipped off into the dark.
When Ruby huffed into view after Matilda and saw me, she said, “What are you doing up there, yer barm pot!”
I told her a bit of the truth. “Well—I came up here because I was worried about Cain. I thought he might be wounded. You know, and … the … gun thingy …”
I was glad she couldn’t see my face in the dark because I am sure it would have been purple.
As we went back down the path, she said, “Don’t be so daft, he’ll be alreet. Mrs. Bottomly couldn’t hit an elephant even if it had a target on it.”
I started to say, “That’s what he sa—”
But stopped myself in time.
When I got back to Dandelion Cottage, I felt like a woman. Not a girl anymore. I wonder if my corkers had grown because of the excitement? Maybe everyone will know that something has happened to me?
I opened the front door and went into the kitchen. Dibdobs said, “Ooooh, look at Tallulah, boys! What has she been up to? She’s been naughty, hasn’t she, boys?”
Oh no, she could tell. Are my corkers sticking out through my coat?
“Her hair is all wild from the wind, isn’t it?”
Sam and Max came to look up at my head.
Dibdobs was going on.
“She looks like Jane Eyre, doesn’t she?”
Sam said, in between sucking on his dodie, “Jane Hair.”
I laughed like a maniac and left them to their sucking. And went off to my squirrel room.
Holy Mother of God and all the Saints.
I flung myself on my squirrel bed and touched my lips, I could still feel them tingling. From Cain. Cain of all people!! Black, rusty crow Cain. Nose-licking Cain.
How could I?
He’s awful.
Awful.
But maybe he’s trying to be good?
In Jane Eyre Mr. Rochester is awful, but then he turns out to be good.
Only after he has been blinded though.
Perhaps Cain is turning into a nicer person because of his troubles.
Like Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. He is horrid and then he meets Cathy and then … oh, well, no, actually he is horrid and then he gets more horrid.
I cannot believe that I have kissed Cain. He must have hypnotized me or something. I must NEVER EVER tell anyone about this.
Not even the Tree Sisters …
It has to be my shaming secret.
I put in my Darkly Demanding Damson Diary:
On this day of the year of our Lord, a strange and unnatural urge overtook me. I have always wanted Alex the Good but I have accidentally snogged Cain the Bad.
I am so ashamed I may never Irish dance again.
Warming up my Bottom
I WOKE UP FROM a dream where Fang (smoking a pipe) was saying, “Well, which do you want—Mr. Good, Mr. Bad, or Mr. Huggy?”
When I got up, I reread my diary.
I can’t have kissed Cain.
Yes, it did happen.
There it is in black and white.
Ten pages away from Labradad.
I have accidentally snogged Cain the Bad.
No one must ever know the thing that did happen. I hid my diary on top of my acorn-legged wardrobe.
When I got to Dother Hall there was no heating on in half the school.
The Tree Sisters were all huddled together in the common room, in one chair. Jo said, “For warmth.”
Flossie said, “I’ve got my pajamas on underneath my clothes.”
Brrrrrrr. Sidone came in, dressed in a big fur coat with a Cossack hat on.
“Girls, girls, this is where the going gets tough. And the tough go and get their coats on, and gather in the woods—round the bonfire that Bob will make out of the potting shed.”
Bob came out of the boiler room with a black head. (I don’t mean he had a spot, I mean his head was black.) I noticed his T-shirt says, Do I look like a fool?
The Tree Sisters all looked at him and then we nodded at each other.
Actually, once Bob had managed to make the fire, it was jolly in the woods. There’s a clearing where some trees have been felled and it was cozy sitting there on dry logs. The potting shed was crackling merrily and embers whirled up into the air. We had school blankets round us and were reading bits out from A Midsummer Night’s Dream. The only down side is that Dr. Lightowler is here. Looking at me.
Flossie said, “Why does Dr. Lightowler hate you so much?”
I said softly, “I don’t know, but I do know that she is keen as anything to see my Bottom.”
And we all laughed. But she didn’t. Can she hear everything? She can probably hear voles talking.
We are doing the bit in the play where Oberon, the King of the Fairies, and Titania, the Queen of the Fairies, have fallen out so Oberon gets Puck to put a love potion in Titania’s eyes. It makes her fall in love with stupid Bottom, who has magically grown a donkey head.
I whispered to Vaisey, “The only good thing is if I’ve got a donkey’s head on, no one can see me. Or know who I am. Especially if I do a French accent.”
We were talking about how many pairs of fairy wings we needed and how we could improvise the forest in The Blind Pig, when Dr. Lightowler said, “Of course, because of the … er … financial climate, girls, we must use our ingenuity for props and costumes. This is the time for artistic license.”
Monty was very enthusiastic. He said, “Let’s put our thinking caps on, girls. I have some silk scarves I brought back from India. We could use them. Perhaps for wings. Biffo and I visited India last year and we had matching pantaloons specially made. I would be glad to donate them to the cause!! I’ve not worn them since I was, myself, Titania in a performance in Skegness.”
Jo started a chorus of “For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow.”
Until Dr. Lightowler shouted, “Quiet!”
Then she dropped her bombshell. r />
“Thank you, thank you indeed, Mr. de Courcy. And I believe you found something else that you had a marvelous idea about.”
Monty said, “Oh yes, yes indeed … these.”
And he got out of his bag a pair of Mickey Mouse ears and put them on his little fat head.
They looked hilarious. He really did look like a big mouse in a suit.
I said to the girls, “Where is the idiot Mickey Mouse in Shakespeare’s masterpiece?”
As we were laughing, Monty said, “I got them from Disney World when Biffo and Sprogsy and I—”
Dr. Lightowler interrupted, “And this is the magic of theater, girls! As soon as I saw them, I thought, bingo! We may not have a donkey’s head for Bottom, but at least we have some Mickey Mouse ears! I think it will be very funny indeed for Tallulah Casey to play Bottom as a mouse. It will give everyone in The Blind Pig an opportunity to see how very, very funny Tallulah is.” And she laughed and laughed.
The Tree Sisters got hold of a hand each and Flossie patted my head.
Dr. Lightowler swooped back to Dother Hall for a meeting with Sidone for the rest of the day, so at least I had a few hours of peace.
I still feel weak because of the Cain, erm, thingymajig whatsit. Ooh, I can’t even bring myself to think about it, even in the privacy of my own head.
No one must ever, in a million years, find out about Cain.
Never.
Why did he kiss me? He doesn’t even like me.
At least Charlie likes me.
I managed to forget about everything to do with boys for the next hour because Blaise Fox came to do movement with us.
She yelled, “Come on, girls, let’s be donkeys. I want to see your inner donkeys!”
I didn’t know that donkeys wrestled but Flossie’s inner donkey did.
At the end, we had a massive Irish donkey dancing competition which I won.
As I was limping off, Blaise said, “Tallulah, as I may have mentioned before—watching you perform is like watching someone setting fire to their own pants. It’s quite remarkable. So here’s my plan—you’re going to do a solo extravaganza. An Irish donkey ‘enchantment’ dance. It might not save the college but it will make me laugh!”
Oh God.