Did he even know what love was? Could he ever be certain of anything regarding his feelings?
He wasn't sure.
Things with Chelsea and him were good right now. That's all he did know for certain. It was best not to upset the balance by introducing love into the equation.
Love changed everything.
Right now, he wanted to hang on to the vacation a little bit longer. He wanted to hang on to her a while longer, too, before work and reality came crashing in.
"I know you probably have laundry and unpacking to do, but I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to pick up Lou. We could grab something to eat."
She nodded. "I'd love to. Besides, I'm hungry and I don't have any food here, and I'm sure not ready to do any grocery shopping."
His lips curved. "Good."
They went over to Emma and Luke's place. Lou was beside herself with excitement, wriggling and barking when he picked her up and cradled her against him.
"How did she do?" he asked.
"She was perfect," Emma said. "She got along great with Annie and Daisy, running around like crazy in the yard. Though she might think she's a big dog now."
He laughed. "She always thinks she's a big dog."
He thanked Emma and Luke, then they piled in the truck with Lou and her stuff, stopped off at a pizza place to pick up the order Chelsea had called in along the way, and headed to his house.
Lou had to sniff every corner of the house again to make sure nothing had changed while she was gone. Chelsea set out plates for their pizza, and Bash fixed drinks for them. They settled on the couch and watched some television while they ate.
"Tired?" he asked her.
"A little. It's a long drive. But I had a great time. I wish we could have stayed longer."
He brushed his fingers along her arm. "I do, too. But you're already pretty tan, for a redhead."
She laughed. "Even with a lot of sunscreen I tan well. That old adage of redheads having fair skin doesn't really apply to me."
"So I noticed. Looks good on you." He leaned over and brushed his lips against hers. "Mmm, you taste spicy."
"Like pepperoni?"
He laughed. "Yes, like that."
"It's like an aphrodisiac for men. Women like sweet things, like cherries or vanilla. Men? If we tasted like beer or pizza, you'd fall in love with us."
"I don't know about that. You always taste sweet." He was about to say that he'd fallen in love with her because she tasted sweet, but he checked himself.
He wasn't ready yet. He wasn't sure when he would be--or if he'd ever be ready to make that commitment.
He loved Chelsea. Knowing it was one thing. Saying the words was another.
"Do you have to go back to work tomorrow?"
He nodded.
"And did you miss your baby?"
He cocked his head to the side. "Huh?"
"Your bar."
He laughed. "Oh. Kind of. I'm anxious to see how Hall handled things."
"Did he call or text you while you were gone?"
"No."
"Then chances are, the place hasn't burned down."
"Bite your tongue."
She shoved against him. "I like how dedicated you are, how much you love that place."
He appreciated that she didn't mind how much he loved the bar. He'd lost a lot of girlfriends because of the bar. But Chelsea understood.
They watched a movie after dinner, then Chelsea stood and stretched her back. "I should go."
"You don't want to stay?"
"Do you want me to stay?"
He slid his arms around her, tugged her against him, and gave her ponytail a little tug. "Yeah. I want you to stay. If you can live without your laundry until tomorrow."
"It'll be tough, but I'll make an attempt to get through the night."
He tipped her chin up and brushed his lips against hers. "I'll try to give you something to take your mind off of your dirty clothes."
"Something dirtier, I hope."
He smiled against her lips. "I like the way you think."
He ran Lou outside, and when he came in, the lights were off except in the bedroom. He came in to find Chelsea had pulled the comforter down. She was naked and sitting cross-legged on his bed. He went hard instantly.
"Now there's something I'd like to find in my bed every night."
She leaned back against the pillows. "Is that an invitation?"
"Might be. If you intend to show up naked in my bed."
"I'll think about it." She patted the pillow next to her.
He slipped out of his clothes and joined her on the bed, facing her, sliding his legs on either side of her. He gathered her onto his lap and she wrapped her legs around him, her sex sliding over his cock.
"What now?" he asked, cupping her butt.
"I suppose we could meditate."
"We could, but it's not quite what I had in mind." She reached under the pillow and handed him a condom.
"Already?"
"Yes. I want you."
He put the condom on, then lifted her and slid her onto his cock. She tightened her legs around him, then began to move.
It was the most excruciating pleasure he'd ever felt. Chelsea kissed him, her body undulating against him, her nipples brushing his chest as she rocked his fucking world. He held on to her and drew her back, then pulled her in, thrusting deeply into her until he thought he was going to burst listening to the sounds of pleasure she made.
She kissed her way along his jaw, letting her tongue slide down his neck, then sinking her teeth into that spot between his neck and shoulder. And when her movements sharpened along with her breathing, he knew she was close. She tightened around him, cried out, and climaxed. He was right there with her seconds later, groaning as he came.
He held her like that, gathering his bearings and enjoying the feel of her kissing his neck, when she whispered in his ear.
"I love you, Bash."
He stilled, not quite sure if he'd actually heard those words. He pulled back.
"What did you say?"
She smiled, her eyes bright. "I said I love you."
And then his world crashed around him.
Chapter 35
Chelsea knew as soon as she said the words that it was the wrong time. Or the wrong thing to say.
She smoothed her hands over his shoulders. "Bash."
"Yes."
"Is something wrong?"
"No. No, Chelsea. I mean, that's great."
Wow. Talk about the wrong response. She climbed off of him and he went into the bathroom for a few seconds, but he didn't come back to bed. Instead, he leaned against the bathroom door, gloriously, beautifully naked.
Whereas she wanted to be fully clothed and preferably out the door. She grabbed the pillow and put it in front of her, needing it as a shield.
"So, you obviously didn't want me to say those words to you."
"It's not that." He finally pushed off the wall and came over to sit on the side of the bed.
Not on the bed with her. As if she had some communicable disease. God, this was awful. She tossed the pillow aside and scrambled to find her clothes, climbing into them in a hurry.
Bash got dressed, too.
But this wasn't over. She needed answers, so she sat on the side of the bed next to him while he put on his tennis shoes.
"Bash, what is it? You obviously don't love me back, and that's okay. I didn't expect you to reply."
"No. I do love you."
He'd said the words so softly she barely heard him. "You don't have to say that, Bash. You're not obligated."
"Of course I'm not. It's just ... Christ, this isn't going to come out right. I do love you, Chelsea. I was just thinking the other day that I had fallen in love with you."
He'd realized it the other day. As if it was a bad thing? "But you didn't say it to me then."
"I wasn't ready. I'm not ready. I don't know, I might never be ready." He dragged his fingers through his ha
ir. He looked as miserable as she felt.
He couldn't be as miserable as she felt.
"I don't understand."
"I'm sorry." He wasn't looking at her. He was staring at the sheet.
Something was terribly, terribly wrong. She wanted to find out what it was.
"Tell me what's wrong, Bash."
The silence was unnerving when he didn't respond.
Finally, he did.
"You know, someday you're going to find that perfect guy, Chelsea. And when you do, he's going to love to do everything you love to do, and you're going to love everything about him."
He finally looked at her. "But that guy can't be me."
The blow to her chest crushed her.
She stood. "Take me home."
He cocked his head to the side. "Chelsea ..."
"Take me home, Bash. Now."
He hesitated, then finally nodded, grabbing his keys. She walked out of the bedroom and grabbed her purse, not even pausing to look at Lou, who'd perked up when she walked by. If she stopped to pet Lou, she was going to break down and cry.
She refused to do that. He didn't deserve to see her tears.
The short ride to her apartment was excruciating. There were so many questions she wanted to ask, so many awful things she wanted to say to Bash. But what was the point?
They were done. She'd told him she loved him, and he'd told her that someday she'd find some other guy who'd love her back.
She was finished with him.
When he pulled up in front of her apartment, he put his truck in park, then turned to her.
"Chelsea ..."
She turned her head sharply in his direction.
"You did everything you could to make me fall in love with you, Bash. You pursued me. You teased me. You were sexy and seductive and you wanted this as much as I did. So don't pretend I was the one who pushed for this, when we both know that's not how it was. You were there with me--we were in this together--every step of the way. Well, it worked. I fell in love with you."
Her voice trembled as the tears fell down her cheeks, and she couldn't stop them. "And now you're walking away. I've always considered you warm and considerate, a man with true heart. But this is the most heartless thing you've ever done."
She opened the door, grabbed her purse, shut the door, and walked off without looking back. She wouldn't look back.
She didn't hear his truck pull away until long after she'd gone inside her apartment and locked the door. She didn't turn the lights on, just waited until she heard him pull away. Then she went into her bathroom, turned on her shower, climbed inside, and let the water spray over her.
Then she let the tears fall in earnest, and they didn't stop.
Chapter 36
Bash wiped down the bar until it gleamed--or as much as the beat-up bar could gleam, anyway.
The problem was, he'd already cleaned it four times, along with the rest of the bar. It was still three hours until opening, he was alone, and he needed to stay busy.
Lou sat up on his foot, looking at him with a mournful expression.
Even his dog judged him. Not that he could blame her. It had been six days since he'd let Chelsea walk out of his life. Six days since he'd acted like an utter jackass.
It felt like six days since he'd last slept.
Megan wouldn't make eye contact with him when he went into her bakery for coffee and baked goods. He'd passed Samantha on the street the other day, and if looks could kill, he'd be a dead man.
Obviously, Chelsea had talked to her friends. And he hadn't come out of it looking good. Of course he hadn't, because he'd broken her heart.
He didn't know what was wrong with him. He knew he was in love with her, but her saying the words to him first had caused a knee-jerk reaction of fear and flight. Knowing you're in love with someone and actually saying the words out loud were obviously two different things.
He'd reacted badly. More than badly. He'd hurt her, and that's the last goddamn thing he'd ever wanted to do to Chelsea.
This was why he never got involved. He wasn't good with relationships. Hadn't he learned that with Cathy?
He should have kept his distance from Chelsea, should have kept dating the same women he'd dated before. Kept it light and easy, with no commitments.
He'd known all along that Chelsea was a relationship and commitment type of woman, and he'd still walked into a relationship with her. He had no one to blame but himself for how this had all turned out.
He heard a knock on the door of the bar and lifted his head, saw Logan standing there, and smiled.
Great. Something to get his mind off of what a dick he was. He went and unlocked the door.
"Sorry, dude. Bar's not open yet. You'll have to get your beer at the liquor store."
"Funny," Logan said, sliding inside so Bash could shut and lock the door again.
Logan bent to pet Lou. Once she was satisfied, she wandered off.
"Damn, that dog is cute."
"I know, right? She's a bar favorite."
"I imagine she is. Draws in women, too, doesn't she?"
"She's half my marketing right now."
Logan laughed.
"What are you doing in town?"
"Des is flying in tonight for a visit. She's got a short break from filming, so I'm going to the airport to pick her up."
Bash grinned. "That's great. I know you miss her."
"Like crazy."
"You want a beer?"
"I wouldn't say no to one."
Bash went behind the bar and grabbed two beers, popped the tops off the bottles, and came around to where Logan had pulled out a seat at one of the tables. He handed Logan's beer to him.
"Thanks." Logan pulled out one of the other chairs and propped his booted feet on them.
"I just wiped down those chairs," Bash said.
"You can do it again."
Bash shook his head. "What did you, Luke, and Reid decide about the mercantile?"
"We put in an offer to the city to buy it, so we're waiting to hear back."
"I think that's a good choice. Reid could do something great with that place."
"We'll see." He took a swig of the beer, then rested it in his lap. "How's the bar?"
"Really busy. Business is picking up, and I'm looking forward to the expansion."
"Reid told me about that. It's a good idea."
"Thanks."
"How's Chelsea?"
He was hoping Logan wouldn't bring her up. "Not good."
Logan frowned. "Is she sick or something?"
"No, it's not that." He stared at the bottle of beer. "It's ... We kind of broke up."
"Kind of?"
"She told me she loved me. I told her someday she'd find some other guy who'd make her really happy."
"Ouch. So you don't love her back."
Bash stared at the label on his beer. "Well, that's the problem. I do love her."
"Okay. So I don't understand."
He sucked in a breath and let it out. "You know my past, Logan, what I went through with Cathy."
Logan gave him a look. "Chelsea isn't Cathy."
"I know that. Logically, I know that. But as soon as she said the words, I froze. I pushed her away. And hurt her badly."
Logan took a couple of swallows of beer and didn't say anything for a while.
"Look, Bash, relationships are hard. And sometimes we don't do them right. Your first marriage was a mistake. I think you realized that. But is Chelsea a mistake, too?"
Bash shook his head.
"So I guess the question is, are you really willing to let her go?"
"No." He realized right then that he hadn't even hesitated when he answered. "I don't want to lose her."
"Then do whatever you have to do to fix what you broke."
"I don't think she's going to give me a second chance."
Logan laughed at him. "You've never been the type to be afraid of hard work. So suck it up and grovel your ass off, but mak
e Chelsea understand that you love her."
Bash was afraid it might already be too late.
But Logan was right. He wanted her, he'd made a huge mistake, and he needed to rectify that right now.
The problem was, he didn't know how he was going to make that happen.
Chelsea folded and put away laundry, then cleaned her kitchen with a fury. When she was done, she picked up a book to read, but after reading the same page four times, she gave up in disgust and texted Megan. Then she took a shower, got dressed, and drove over to Megan's. It was Saturday afternoon and she knew Megan would be baking.
Megan was always baking.
Megan opened her door and the scent of something wonderful greeted Chelsea.
"You're just in time," Megan said. "I just pulled muffins out of the oven."
"I don't know how you bake all the time and still look so damn good."
Megan chuckled. "I only taste a little. And I'm always on the run. It burns a lot of calories."
"Witch." Chelsea walked in and headed straight for Megan's kitchen. She had a small place, but it had a dream kitchen, with a double oven, tons of counter space, and the most gorgeous stove Chelsea had ever seen. It was charming and retro and mint green and Chelsea coveted it in her dreams.
"Would you like a latte or a cappuccino?"
Megan also had an espresso machine. It was a wonder people weren't lingering outside her door, considering the awesome smells that emanated from her house.
"A latte sounds fantastic."
Megan fixed drinks while Chelsea made herself at home putting two muffins on the plate.
"None for me. I already tasted."
"You're going to sit down and have a muffin and a latte with me. And I'm going to whine."
"Oh. Okay."
They sat together at the island. The muffins were cranberry orange, and, of course, delicious.
"These muffins are fantastic, Megan."
"Thank you. I'm trying out a new recipe."
Chelsea shook her head. "Is there anything you make that isn't good?"
Megan laughed. "Plenty. You don't think I'd let my friends taste my disastrous mistakes, do you?"
"Good point. Then I'm glad to be your friend so all I get to taste are your successes."
Megan lifted her cup, took a sip, and said, "Amen to that. Now start whining."
Chelsea took another bite of fabulous muffin and washed it down with the amazing latte. "I'm moping about Bash."
"I'm sorry. I still can't believe he hurt you like that. What an ass. I should send him some of my disastrous, lumpy, burned, horrible pound cake where I used too much salt and not enough sugar."
Chelsea fought back a laugh. To Megan, baked goods gone wrong were the kiss of death. "Yes. That'll show him."