Mr. Dixon began to smile as he turned to Tanner, who had his eyes trained on me. “Libby and I will figure out a way to run the ranch dad,” Tanner managed to get out.
Mrs. Dixon clapped her hands together and said with a motherly touch, “I just know this is the best thing for all of us.”
A red flag flew up in my head at her comment, but I could not see it through the intense feeling I was getting from Tanner and his laser gaze. His eyes had not looked away from me and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. Did he sense my feelings? Did he have the same feelings?
“Well, if that is it I have a lot of work to do,” I stated as I stood up to put some distance between the Dixons and me. I knew I was running away, but after a decision like that, no one could blame me. Since there was no way to add Tanner to the work cycle today I added, “and Tanner make sure you are on time tomorrow for work orders.”
With that and a smiling snicker from Mr. Dixon, I slid my boots back on and headed out to do some hard labor and pound Tanner Dixon out of my mind. Maybe if I pretend this never happened I would wake up and find it has just been a bad dream. Good luck with that Libby.
Tanner did not interfere with the ranch for the rest of the day and I only caught him watching me a few times from the back porch of the house. Why am I looking at the porch? Looking for him? I could not avoid the group lunchtime but noticed that Tanner sat on the opposite end of the table and did not try to make things uncomfortable by addressing me. Of course he looked perfect in his worn jeans and boots, clean because he had not put in any hours on the ranch yet.
It was unnerving having him so close. I could feel the electricity we always had buzzing around us. I only hoped that we were the only ones able to recognize it. I was a different person when he left, and he obviously had changed while he was away. It was going to take time to get to know the grown-up versions of Libby and Tanner. I just hoped our grown-up versions could put the past aside and move towards a future that suited all of us.
Chapter Five
The next morning followed another sleepless night. I realized half way through the night that I could not keep bringing Gage to feed the horses in the morning. The chance that he might run into Tanner was too great and I was not ready for that meeting yet, not until I got to know grown-up Tanner a little better. Maybe I did not want Tanner to ever meet Gage. Perhaps Portland had changed Tanner in ways I did not want Gage to experience. Wow you are grasping at straws here.
I expected Gage to be angry or hurt when I told him he was free from early morning feeding for the time being. Gage however had other plans as he crawled back into bed and set his alarm for later. By the time I was leaving the house he was snoring again. Wish I could crawl back into bed and burrow under the covers.
It was hard to remember when bringing up a tween that just because they do not outwardly express their feelings it does not necessarily mean they are not feeling them inside. I made a mental note to have a one-on-one conversation with him that night to be sure he was getting the attention he needed from me. The early morning feeding had been our special alone time and I knew I would miss it and I hoped Gage would feel some of the absence as well.
When I got to the barn I saw the lights already on and Tanner’s truck parked outside. My temper ignited immediately wondering how he thought he could just come into her barn and walk around like his owned the place. Well technically he did but still. I took a deep breath and remembered my vow to Mr. Dixon to make it work. The only way I was going to be able to work with Tanner is if I made sure he was doing everything the correct way, my way.
Right off the bat I noticed he was using the wrong feed for the wrong horses. Back when Tanner was in high school he helped his parents on the ranch and it would seem that he was picking up right where he had left off. Unfortunately, for him what had worked back then is not what works best now. My head began to ache thinking of how difficult it was going to be to train him on the new and improved ways of ranching. Obviously whatever ranch classes he took had been quickly replaced with finance knowledge. I prepped myself for a long day.
“Good morning Tanner,” I shouted as I entered the feeding area.
Tanner threw a bag of the wrong food into a trough and I wanted to scream at him, but my mouth did not seem to work as I watched his arms flex and the muscles of his back stretch. When Tanner had left he had really been just a boy, now however, he was very much a man. My body reacted to the sight of his well-worn jeans and tight t-shirt. It had been a long time since I had given myself the opportunity to appreciate a man’s body.
Yes, a delicious specimen of a man, but a man using the wrong feed. So snap out of it!
“Hey Libby,” Tanner said as he wiped his forehead with a rag. “I thought I would get an early start and help with the feeding,” he added with a smugness that I was about to smack right off of his face.
“I see that Tanner,” I began, “and while I appreciate your pro-activeness I have to tell you that you are using the wrong feed.”
Tanner’s head shook as he said, “No I’m not. It is winter and I am using the winter feed.” He pointed to the marking on the bag indicating it was winter-feed.
“You are correct that is winter feed,” I explained, “but we have begun rotating the regular winter feed with a new blend created to help the horses with their joints.”
I saw his back go up and witnessed an internal struggle behind his eyes. This was new for him too and I tried to be patient and helpful rather than condescending. I explained that I had noticed a trend of joint issues with the horses during the winter so I worked with the vet to make a blend of feed that would help. Tanner was looking at me like I was an alien and not the Libby he has known all his life. It was almost as if I had to undergo a transformation inside his mind. It was his turn to realize that grown-up Libby is not the same as the Libby he left.
I sighed accepting that this was the first of many things that Tanner and I were going to go toe-to-toe on. We had always had a tendency to take opposite sides on an issue just so we had an excuse to argue, and make-up.
I showed him where the correct feed was and the schedule he could check if he was ever unsure about what cycle they were on. He reluctantly took in the information and nodded his understanding. The next couple of weeks were a battle as young Tanner tried to prove me wrong on each and every task that had evolved or changed since he had been gone.
It seemed that everything had changed in the last decade and Tanner had a lot of catching up to do. From feeding to breeding, the world of ranching had been modernized. Even though most changes made our work easier, Tanner still thought the old way was a better way.
The pout he had used to get his way when we were in high school did not work on me anymore. However, the grown-up wiping his hand over his face and batting those extra long eyelashes was breaking me down piece by piece. It should be absolutely illegal to be that gorgeous when you are sweating.
Most of the time I was able to keep my anger at bay, allowing my training as a mother to kick in and provide me with the patience I needed to avoid strangling Tanner. But there were times when all I could see was Tanner walking away from me after breaking the news he was leaving for Portland. He had left me without a reason for the hole he had ripped in my heart. These emotions made my fuse with Tanner short and I did a lot of deep breathing exercises.
During the same time, I could see Tanner struggling with his own internal demons. Did he feel guilty for leaving? Is that why he came back? I could not pinpoint Tanner’s emotions and for right now our interaction consisted of ranch business only. It seemed that he was not ready to introduce me to all of grown-up Tanner just yet. Frankly that was just fine because I never quite knew which grown-up Libby you were going to get when I opened my mouth these days. Angry Libby, hurt Libby, overly peppy Libby, etc.
After the third week of my internal battle, I began to notice that Tanner was a quick study. The things I had taught him during the first week were clicking and I
was able to confidently leave him alone to accomplish those tasks. I had to give him credit for finally accepting my authority on ranch matters and getting on board with the changes I had made.
We fell into a steady rhythm of teaching, learning and doing. I could feel the walls between us come down brick by brick. Our conversations remained at a professional level and neither one of us was brave enough to venture into the past; but there were times when we would both remember something and our eyes would meet before continuing on with the task at hand. That brief moment always caught us off guard and left me confused about where to go next.
For as strong as I was at work, I was equally an emotional mess at home. Gage was busy with friends and school, which left me with more time to daydream about Tanner and the man he had become. Tanner had not shared details of his life in Portland and I did not ask or prod him to reveal his reasons for coming home. More I was just in awe of the changes that had taken place over time. I had expected the intellectual growth after his time in college and the city, but I had forgotten to add in the fact that physically he would grow to be a powerful and sinful looking man. Sinful like triple chocolate cake.
I tried to deny my attraction, but it was no use so I continued to watch Tanner work with fascination and desire. If I was not mistaken, Tanner was having the same sort of thoughts. There were several times I felt someone watching me and looked up to find Tanner’s hungry gaze on me as I worked. Part of me would immediately think he had lost all of his rights to think of me that way when he chose to go to Portland. The other and louder part of me was excited that he was feeling the same way and hoping he was man enough to do something about it.
I wanted to believe that I wore tight tank tops and fitted jeans because they were comfortable, but who was I kidding. I was wearing those outfits for Tanner and that look that kept me warm long after his eyes left mine.
Chapter Six
One of the tasks I had been avoiding going over with Tanner was riding the fence line. It would require us to be alone for the entire day and sometimes it might even warrant an overnight trip if there were extensive damages that need to be repaired. Storm season was on its way though so I could not procrastinate on the task any longer. I just hoped that we could have a quick ride and be back before dark.
The thought of spending the night in the wilderness alone with Tanner was just too much to bear. I had acted nonchalant when reminding Tanner to pack an overnight bag but inside I was a ball of nerves. I had not been alone with any man in such a long time let alone a man who I was deeply attracted to but should not be. To my surprise as we were saddling up the horses he fumbled a bit when I mentioned the possibility of a camp out. Was he as nervous as me?
As we double-checked the gear I noticed for the first time how interested the other guys were when Tanner and I were together. They had obviously heard through the grapevine about our history and were watching and waiting to see how we would continue to react to each other. No better than a bunch of old biddies!
The ride started out crisp and clear with only a few fences that needed mending. We stopped for lunch along the stream we used to play in as kids back when we did not have a care in the world. I had brought Gage out here a few times but he was quick to remind me that the experience was not the same when you were with your mom.
The times Tanner and I had spent at the stream were filled with fishing, swimming and as we got older kissing. I caught him more than once staring at the outcropping of rock that we used to hang out on. We would ride to the stream, strip down to our bathing suits (or underwear when necessary), dive in and bake in the sun for hours. It was also the perfect place to make-out with no chance of interruption. We were so young and so eager to learn about each other and the reactions our bodies were having.
I slipped further into the memory remembering how Tanner and I had taught each other to kiss. We had been sitting on the rock after a quick swim and the heat was unbearable. Tanner began kissing me gently at first but soon we were showing the hunger we had for each other. It had been the summer following our freshman year so we were still in the newlywed phase of our romantic involvement. Everything was trial and error for us and kissing was no different.
Tanner had pulled back, looked me straight in the eye and asked me what I needed him to do. Without the filters of adulthood I told him how I wanted to be kissed and he did the same for me. After that afternoon we never kissed the same again. What had once been a spark was now a raging inferno. It was one of the happiest memories I had of us. Both of us choosing the pleasure of the other over our own.
Now looking out at the stream I sighed and filed the memories away again. Neither of us brought it up but it was obvious that both of us were reliving those same moments.
As the afternoon wore on the wind changed and the temperature began to drop significantly. I shrugged on my sweater and saw Tanner add a flannel over his t-shirt. I could smell the impending rain as it prepared to come over the hills and head straight for us. The smell was sweet but there was an edge to it that alerted me to the danger it could bring. Rain was no problem because we could easily continue our work.
Unfortunately, you could already see in the distance that lightning was splitting through the clouds. What I did know is that we could not continue along the fences because the metal mesh would be a prime target for a lightning strike. I made the decision to stop at one of the old barns where hopefully we could ride out the storm and still have enough daylight to make it home.
Just as we found some lanterns to give the barn a candlelit glow, the sky opened up and sheets of rain began pounding the ground surrounding us. The thunder shook the barn and the lightning illuminated even the far corners of the barn. I still smelled the sweetness of the rain but also felt the dangerous undercurrent in my body. It was not lost on me that I was here during a lightning storm with Tanner who looked just as nervous as I felt. I finally just accepted that we were here for a reason and whatever was going to happen was necessary for our future whatever that may end up looking like. Might as well suck it up and be in the moment.
We made sure the horses were secured in a few of the still functioning stalls and huddled together with the blankets we had brought in case of a camp out. With nothing left to do but wait out the storm we began to talk. At first it was just general chitchat about the ranch and his parent’s impending retirement, but it was not long before we both start tiptoeing into the past.
Mostly we talked about the good times we had as kids growing up on the ranch and all the crazy things we used to do that got us in trouble. We talked about the time our buddy Rusty tried to kiss me at the stream and I broke his nose. This led to us talking about our first kiss and how nervous we were up in the loft. It was a sweet and non-suggestive conversation.
Then it dawned on me that there might never be another time when I would have Tanner as a captive audience to explain the hurt and pain he caused me when he left my life so many years ago. I took a deep breath and decided to open up wounds I had thought were long scarred over. I avoided talking about my marriage to Christopher and did not bring Gage into the conversation except to acknowledge his existence. I was holding Gage close until I could see what Tanner’s true intentions were.
I was hell bent on making sure that Tanner knew exactly what his decision to move to the city did to me and more specifically to my heart. I felt I was at a point in my life that I was no longer angry that he actually moved to the city, because without him leaving I would not have had Gage. However, I was still angry about how he had made that decision and his complete disregard for my feelings at the time. As I was describing my decision to move on after countless attempts to re-connect with him, I saw the pain clearly in his eyes and he started to softly cry. No crying please.
Tanner quickly wiped his eyes and with a struggle lifted his gaze to mine. Kill me now with those eyes!
“Libby,” he began, “there are no words that can fully describe just how sorry I am that you ever
had to feel that way.” Did not see that one coming!
He went on to tell me that his choice to leave had nothing to do with me but rather his need to experience different parts of what life had to offer. Unfortunately his youth had blinded him from seeing what he was leaving behind. He loved the city and although he never forgot me, after a time he convinced himself that I was better off without him. He thought that he would just be dragging me down by being miserable at the ranch while wishing he was out experiencing life. Or he thought it would be cruel to drag me away to the city just to satisfy his curiosity. I did not even know he was miserable. What else didn’t I know?
His apology seemed heartfelt and I found it harder and harder to stay angry with him for leaving. I was beginning to feel confused, appreciating his confession while at the same time still feeling abandoned. It still remained that he had chosen to explore his desires rather than hold on to our relationship. I honestly did not know where our love fit into this picture or whether it ever even had a chance once Tanner left for college. At least it was now all out in the open where we could choose to deal with it if we wanted.
One night alone in a barn was not going to make or break how we felt about each other but it was hopefully the start we needed to get back on track towards some sort of relationship. I tried to concentrate on the fact that we had been young and we just had different ideas of what the other needed. Unfortunately that was making me feel that I was a fool for how much I loved him and continued to love him when he had already chosen another path. I would have given him everything. What does that say about me?
Unwilling to make an emotionally filled declaration with both my head and my heart still spinning, I quickly noticed that the rain was now a slight drizzle and the thunder and lightning had moved on. Breaking the seriousness of the conversation I suggested we head back before we lost daylight. I knew I was leaving things on a complicated note, but there was no way I could go through that roller coaster of emotions right now. I was going to need some time to process everything Tanner had shared with me. He seemed reluctant to leave but Tanner began prepping the horses for the ride back while I made sure the rest of the barn was secure.