He came swiftly toward her, dropping to his knees as he seized hold of her hands. “Look at me,” he ordered gruffly. “Cassie look at me.” She lifted her head slowly, her gaze clashing with his bright emerald one. She swallowed heavily, love swamping her. He had been everything to her, and she had turned her back on him. She had turned him away, cutting him deeply, and wounding him greatly. She had blamed him for something that was not his fault, but was in fact hers. She had hurt him greatly, and there was nothing that she could do about it, there was no way to take away the hurt that she had caused him.
“What you went through, what you are going through is an awful, brutal thing. No one knows how they are going to react when they lose someone they love.”
“I was cruel though, mean…” her voice trailed off as she turned her attention to the window.
Her forehead furrowed as she tried to recall the way she had felt for the past two weeks. It was as if she had been a different person, as if something had taken her over, filling her with hatred, making her someone alien and cold. Someone she couldn’t stand to be around, but had to live with every moment of the day. She couldn’t say that to him though, she couldn’t tell him that it had been someone else in her body, for it was a cop out. And of course it had been her, who else could it have possibly been?
She turned her attention back to him. “I was someone that I didn’t want to be, that I didn’t recognize. But it was me, and I was disgusting. I never thought I could be like that.”
His hands tightened on hers, his emerald eyes rapidly searched her face. “Stop Cassie, stop doing this to yourself. Stop hating yourself. I love you Cassie. No matter what, I love you.” Cassie’s eyes widened, anguish tore through her as more tears spilled forth. She didn’t deserve his love, not at all. He never would have turned against her, never would have hurt her in this way. “No matter what happens I will always love you.”
“No,” she moaned, shaking her head, trying to deny his words. “I don’t deserve it, don’t love me. The people that love me die. They die for me, and they die because of me. Do not love me Devon.”
His jaw locked, his eyes blazed fiercely into hers. “You did not cause your grandmother’s death; there was nothing that you could have done to stop it. You are the kindest, most giving and loving person I have ever met. I will love you for eternity because you deserve every ounce of that love, and there is nothing that you can do to make me stop loving you. Nothing.”
His hand wrapped firmly around the back of her head, his long fingers buried into her hair. “If you want to turn me away again, I will go. It will kill me, but I will do anything for you. But you have to know that I will not leave your life Cassie. I can’t. Not when you won’t take care of yourself, and not with Julian and Isla out there. I will be here for you until I am certain that you are safe.”
She stared at him in stunned surprise. He was so fierce, so intense, and so desperately in need of her. Swallowing heavily, she couldn’t stop herself from reaching out to stroke his magnificent face. It had been so long since she had touched him, held him, felt him. Today in the cemetery she had been too distraught to feel the bliss that he brought to her. But now, the peace that he gave her began to steal slowly through her body, seeping into her pores, warming her soul. He turned into her touch, nuzzling her gently. She could feel his desperate need for her; feel the tension that radiated from him as his hand tightened upon her. He was a man trapped in the desert and she was his water.
“How could you forgive me?” she murmured.
“I could forgive you anything. You forgave me.”
He took hold of her hand, keeping it pressed to his face as she stared at him in confusion. “Forgave you for what?”
He smiled softly at her. “For my past, for everything that I have done. For everything that I was.”
“But there was nothing to forgive you for. You didn’t do those things to me Devon; you are different now than you were then.”
“There was plenty, you just never realized it because that is who you are Cassie.”
Wonder filled her as she gazed at him. Maybe she didn’t deserve his love now, but she would do everything in her power to deserve it from now on. She would do everything she could to make it up to him for the way that she had treated him over the past couple of weeks. “I love you too,” she whispered. “Always.”
Leaning forward, she meant only to place a chaste kiss upon his lips. But it had been too long, and as their mouths met she felt the instant flare of heat. A surge of power and love and need rose up between them. Everything swirled forth, burying her beneath the tumult of emotions that tore through her. Devon’s hands clenched upon her, his fingers clasped firmly hold of her skull.
She knew instantly that she had made a mistake; he had been denied too long. He had been turned away, lost and wounded. Now she was accepting him again, and his need, his desire was more intense than she had ever felt it before. And so was hers.
She fell into him, heat pooled through her entire body. His love warmed her soul; it healed her as it blended into her. She had been wrong to turn him away. He was the only person that could truly make her whole and right. The only person that could ease the pain and anger that had taken up residence inside of her. Her mouth opened to his invasion, she welcomed him with a soft sigh, her hands tightened upon him. He was her life raft in a world turned completely upside down.
The kiss became more frantic, more desperate. His muscles were clenched, standing out sharply in his forearms. His teeth elongated, pressing against her lower lip. Though they were slightly painful against her, the feel of them caused excitement to spurt through her as she began to tremble with need. She was falling away, rapidly losing control. The world spun wildly, lurching violently.
Cassie clung tighter to him, needing something to keep her grounded in the chaos that her life had become. He pulled suddenly away from her, nearly causing her to fall off the bed. His head bowed as his shoulders shook. Cassie knew how he felt; she could barely catch her breath. Her heart was pounding rapidly, her body tingled with burning excitement and unfulfilled desire.
“Devon,” she ran her hand through his thick black hair, trying to soothe him.
He pulled further away, shaking his head as he moved out of reach. Tears filled her eyes; tightness clenched her chest as she recalled all of the problems they’d had even before her grandmother died. She clearly recalled his struggle to control himself around her, his fear that he would hurt her. They had weathered this last storm together, but there was a much larger hurricane still in their way.
Despair washed over her. She swallowed down the heavy lump that had lodged in her throat. She couldn’t lose him again; she had just gotten him back. She needed him. Without him, her life was lost and lonely and full of anger and despair. He was a part of her, and being near her hurt him. It hurt him physically and emotionally, it tore at him as he battled constantly with himself just to stay in her presence without harming her. Cassie shuddered, hugging herself again as he rose to his feet, moving with easy grace to her bureau.
Grabbing hold of the tray, he turned back to her again. His jaw was locked tight, a muscle in his cheek was jumping from the force of it but he seemed determined to stay near her as he slowly approached again. “It might be easier if you sit in the chair.”
Cassie shook her head; her stomach was too tight to put food in it right now. “I’m not that hungry,” she said softly.
His eyes flared with heat, the muscle in his cheek jumped more forcefully. “You need to eat; you need to start taking care of yourself.”
“Devon…”
“When was the last time you ate?” he demanded sharply.
Cassie opened her mouth to answer, and then snapped it closed again. Her forehead furrowed as she tried to recall the last time she had eaten a full meal. The fact that the answer eluded her was more than a little troubling. She hadn’t been hungry lately, she had been too angry to be hungry but she had eaten at some point in t
ime. She would have had too. Wouldn’t she?
Shaking her head, Cassie tried to clear it of her troubling thoughts. She must have snacked at least, but she really couldn’t remember when. “I don’t know,” she admitted reluctantly, troubled by the answer.
The tension in him notched up a level as his eyes scanned swiftly over her. Cassie stiffened beneath his questioning, troubled gaze. When his eyes came back to hers, there was a fear in them that she didn’t understand and that troubled her. “What’s wrong?” she asked softly.
He shook his head. “Nothing,” he mumbled. “Come on, get in the chair.”
She really didn’t feel like eating but she thought he might force feed her if she didn’t try. Or, he might snap. Deciding to heed his wishes, she slid from the bed and plodded slowly over to her armchair in the corner. He placed the tray in her lap, pulling the cover off the plate of food. She frowned down at the toast and oatmeal.
“Your stomach probably couldn’t handle a big meal right now,” he explained.
Cassie glanced up at him, managing a wan smile. Picking up the spoon, she picked slowly at the oatmeal. She was surprised by how good it tasted, but she simply could not work up an appetite. “Are you going to watch me the whole time?” she asked softly, picking up a piece of toast.
He eyed her wearily for a few seconds. “I could use a shower.”
Cassie smiled at him, waving her hand toward her bathroom. “Go on, I promise I’ll eat it all, but you’re making me nervous.”
He managed a small grin before nodding briefly to her. Turning away, he plodded into the bathroom and shut the door. Cassie ate slowly, listening as the water turned on. She wasn’t fooled into thinking he would be in there for long. Focusing her attention on the oatmeal, she forced more of it down. It wasn’t until the shower turned off that she realized the rest of the house was oddly silent. Where were Chris, Dani, and Melissa? They had been her constant shadows for the past two weeks, never letting her out of their sight, but she could hear nothing beyond Devon’s shuffling around.
The bathroom door opened, Devon’s head popped out. His black hair was tussled and damp; it curled boyishly across his forehead. His eyes narrowed on her half eaten oatmeal. Cassie’s mouth went dry and parted slightly; her eyes almost bulged out of her head as he stepped out of the bathroom.
He had not placed his shirt back on, leaving the hard muscles of his chest, and the ridged lines of his abdomen revealed to her. His skin was still damp, the glistening water only served to highlight the carved muscles that ran through him. He was magnificent, beautiful and hard. Her heart turned over, it pounded in her chest as excitement spurted through her, causing her toes to curl.
Her forgotten spoon hung limply in her hand. Despite the intimacies they had shared, she had never seen him without his shirt on. Now, she never wanted to see him with it on again. Taking a deep breath, Cassie fought back the shiver of desire that raced through her. She raised her gaze slowly to his, finding his emerald eyes upon her, watching her keenly. An answering spark of hunger and desire glimmered brightly from them.
She was unable to keep back the shiver again as it raced through her, tearing up her back, and leaving her weak. She dropped her spoon, knowing that she would not get another bite into her, not now. Lowering her gaze to the tray, she was ashamed at the heat that flared through her cheeks, crept down her neck and set her skin aflame. “I’m done,” she managed to whisper, her voice choked and hoarse.
“Maybe you should eat more.”
She shook her head, unable to meet his gaze again. She had been gaping at him like an idiot, completely revealing her inadequacy around the male form. Around his form. She had always been a little embarrassed by her lack of experience around him, now she was mortified. He must think she was an idiot.
“Cassie…”
“I’m good,” she interrupted shyly. She had just proven that she was a child; she didn’t want to be treated like one too. Her mind flashed to Isla, beautiful, seductive, knowledgeable Isla. She wouldn’t have blushed at the sight of Devon’s chest, in fact Isla had seen far more of him, and Cassie was certain that Isla had not been at all bashful about it. That realization made Cassie feel like even more of an idiot. Though she knew Devon had never loved Isla, at one time she had been exactly the type of woman he liked. A type that was nothing like her.
She heard him moving around, and then he was in front of her again, gently taking the tray from her hands. She glanced shyly up at him; her face flaming even hotter as she saw that he had put his shirt back on. He knew that it had unsettled her. She truly was an idiot, she thought with an inward groan. An immature, foolish, idiot.
He placed the tray back on the bureau and swiftly returned to her. Taking hold of her hands he knelt before her again. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
She glanced at him from under lowered lids, trying desperately not to blush even more, but failing miserably. “You didn’t make me uncomfortable. Really.”
It wasn’t a lie, he hadn’t made her uncomfortable. He had made her many things, but uncomfortable was not one of them. He leaned in closer, looking wonderfully boyish and hopeful as he peered up at her. She couldn’t help but smile at him, enchanted by his emerald eyes. She had missed him so much, ached for him every day, and yet she had turned him away. What had she been thinking?
Though she knew that she had been hurt, deeply wounded, stricken with grief, it was still not an excuse. “You look exhausted,” he said softly.
Cassie shrugged absently, fiddling idly with the pleat in the workout pants she wore to bed. “Maybe a little,” she whispered.
“When was the last time you slept?”
Shrugging again, she glanced past him to the doorway. She had slept in bits and spurts but nothing solid, and it was always plagued and restless. “I’ve slept here and there,” she admitted softly.
His eyes flickered with that brief flash of worry again. Cassie frowned, surprised by the distress that came from him. “You need to sleep.”
Cassie shook her head. “The nightmares,” she whispered, frightened by the horrifying images that haunted her sleep. Nightmares about what her grandmother’s last moments must have been like, how frightened she must have been, and how painful they must have been.
“I’ll keep the nightmares at bay.”
Cassie’s eyes filled with tears, she reached out to gently stroke him, loving the feel of his hard cheek beneath her palm. She managed a tremulous smile, not wanting to hurt his feelings, but doubtful that he could actually keep them away. She nodded though, knowing that all he wanted was to take care of her and make sure that she was well.
“Yes.”
He took hold of her hands, helping her to her feet. Cassie was surprised by the relief that filled her as she climbed onto her bed, curling beneath the comforters he draped over her. The pillow felt like heaven, the sheets were deliciously soft against her skin. Devon closed the door and turned off the light, moments later he was crawling into bed beside her. Cassie cuddled against him as he pulled her tight to him.
He felt wonderful against her, his strong arms wrapped tight around her. She had forgotten just how right it felt to have him curled up against her, making her feel safe and loved. Her eyes began to drift close, the tranquility that settled over her lulled her swiftly to sleep.
CHAPTER 6
Cassie woke slowly, blinking against the rays that filtered through the blinds of her windows. She frowned as she studied those rays, momentarily puzzled by them. It had been so long since she had not watched the sun rise. She didn’t recall falling asleep, but she must have, and apparently she had slept through the entire night. Without nightmares.
Devon’s arm was wrapped tightly around her, his hard body pressed against her back. She did not feel completely rested, but she definitely felt better. She was also at peace for the first time in so very long. Tears of relief and grief choked her, falling slowly down her cheeks to wet her pillow. Devon’s arm tightened around
her, drawing her closer as he nuzzled her hair gently.
“Don’t cry love.”
His words only made her cry harder. He kissed her cheek gently, wiping away her tears with the pad of his thumb. Cassie rolled over to face him; burying her face in his shoulder as she wrapped her arms around him. He held her gently as she cried.
Slowly her tears subsided. Though she was beginning to fear that they would never completely subside, at least not for a little while. Not until she truly grieved for her grandmother, something she had not allowed herself to do for the past two weeks. Though, she doubted she would be given much time to grieve, at least not if Isla and Julian had anything to do with it. Pulling slowly back from him, she looked up into Devon’s much loved face. His jaw was tight, a muscle twitched in his cheek. His eyes were hard, flat; distant.
It was a look she knew well.
“You need to feed,” she said softly.
He managed a brief nod, looking as if he were in pain. Being this close to her was torture for him, especially when he had gone a long while without feeding. And he had been so busy taking care of her last night that he had not taken care of himself. As she studied him, a thought occurred to her. A consuming need began to build rapidly inside of her.
“What about me?”
He blinked in surprise, recoiling slightly. “Cassie…”
“You can feed from me Devon.”
“No!” he said sharply, recoiling even further from her, but she could see the rapidly building hunger and desire flaming through his eyes. He wanted this; she knew that, he wanted it as badly as she did. He was just being stubborn.
“It’s ok Devon, you won’t hurt me.”
Moving swiftly away, he swung his legs over the side of the bed. His hands gripped the mattress so fiercely that the muscles in his arms stood out sharply. His back was ramrod straight, but a small tremor shook him. Cassie reached out to touch his back, but he pulled away, looking as if he was about to bolt away from her.