CHAPTER 28
An Inconvenient Planet Appears, and the GGFLTD Takes Over
One day a planet appeared in the night sky. This planet was not one of the planets that humans were used to seeing, but it was quite clearly very close to them. Closer than 7 of the other planets in their solar system. The reaction was typical. People either claimed it had always been there and that anyone who didn’t know that was an idiot, or that it wasn’t there at all, and anyone who claimed it was there was seeing things… and an idiot. It should be noted that around the same time this happened, I received an update from Dr. Rip T. Brash The Third and Wilx. Not in person of course. When I went outside to pick up the newspaper with the headline “New Planet: Has it always been there or is it not there at all?” I discovered another note accompanied by a needle and a vial of glowing liquid. The note read:
Finding out lots of interesting things
Hope you’re having a good time as well.
Been watching your stand-up, pretty funny.
Not as good as Bill Hicks or George Carlin...
but alright. Inject this into your eyeball, or
you will die. Longevity formula and other
preventative measures. Don’t give to any
humans, will make them immortal.
Chat soon.
I instinctively wanted to not inject the longevity formula into my eyeball, not because I didn’t want to inject myself in the eyeball… After 648 HL’s I very much wanted to do that. No, I just didn’t want to give Rip the satisfaction of popping by with a note after abandoning me on this miserable rock and me actually following his instructions. But, I knew enough about Rip, to know that I had to do it, or I would die. And I didn’t want to die. Inject myself in the eyeball I did. But I only gave myself half of the formula. The other half I gave to a fellow named Herb. In all the time I’d been on Earth, he was the only decent human being I’d met. He was a fine fellow that Herb, and I couldn’t think of a better man to pass countless HL's with. Here’s how cool of a guy Herb was. I went over to his house where he was gardening.
“Hey Herb, I’m going to stick this needle in your eye and make you immortal, okay?”
“Sure, whatever,” said Herb, not even looking up from his rake.
That was Herb for you, nothing phased the guy. Took everything in stride.
A few HL’s later, and it was considered an irrefutable fact by many that not only was the new planet not new, but it had been there since the beginning of time, as could be proven by ancient textbooks that spoke of nine planets in the solar system. This split people into two ideological camps, those who knew for a fact it had always been there and those certain (with the aiding of heaps of “scientific explanations”) that the new planet was a mass hallucination. As was always the case when people divided themselves into two ideological camps... violent wars broke out for centuries between the Believers of the Nine Planet Theory (BNPT) and The Mass Hallucinationists (TMHs).
One thing that both the BNPT and TMHs agreed on, was that the useless rock at the end of the line was not a real planet, and never had been. Pluto was never spoken of again by any human being. It was erased from memory and history. If it had to be spoken of it was in dismissive euphemisms like “That small, puny, stupid rock,” or “The little meteor with no friends, and an ugly, cold, barren surface that no one would ever want to visit even if it was a planet.”
This feud of belief systems, like all feuds of belief systems, was both embraced and fuelled by the ones who really controlled things on Earth... the money lenders and the dealers of arms and weaponry. At this current juncture in history, both of these tasks were performed exclusively by the recently formed Global Group of Firms LTD (GGFLTD), who were now the only company or government that existed. In reality, GGFLTD was neither a company, nor a government... it was a cross-planetary, all encompassing ruling elite, consisting entirely of Investment Bankers, with a small subsidiary branch supplying arms to both the BNPT and TMHs. Both the BNPT and TMHs had complicated and utterly powerless leadership who answered only to the GGFLTD. Each side routinely convinced their followers of the need for perpetual warfare on the other, due to the 'advisement' from the Global Firms. One of the first actions of this monolithic, ultra-powerful organization was to create a gigantic central computing device. They called it “The Economy”. It churned out graphs and charts and 'advisement reports' which dictated every action performed by mankind. Any semblance of these numbers having any bearing on the real world had long since been replaced with the simple phrase 'Growth.' The GGFLTD had adopted the motivational, pro-human slogan of 'As long as things are growing, then things are not un-growing, and that is good.' It seemed to resonate with the masses, keeping them building things and procreating. The GGFLTD had long since erased the idea that building things was for any other purpose than to keep the complicated graphs and charts “The Economy” pumped out from sharply dropping. It was strongly engrained in the minds of all human beings, that should the graphs and charts ever go down, all sorts of terrible things would happen, and growth would become ungrowth very quickly. Buildings were built primarily for the purpose of investing in, thus making the GGFLTD board members more money, so they could invest in the building of more things. The benefit for the masses was simple... jobs. So long as things had to be built, someone had to build them. And once they were built, they would also have to be kept clean. Growth=Jobs, and without growth, things would not be growing, and that was not good, so the general populace was constantly reminded.
Under the new 'growth for the sake of growing' economic model, the population of Earth now towered at an astounding 8.5 trillion people. This controversial, newly arrived, closer planet offered some fantastic solutions for a ridiculously overpopulated globe. BNPT Scientists blasted Rocket ships off on a tri-secondly basis, delivering load after load of refuse to the surface of the new planet. This continued for a few HL's until it was realized they were sending all of their best rockets off into an ever growing heap of garbage. The problem was solved with the construction of a giant cannon, taking up the entire continent of Africa, aimed at the garbage planet.
The Global Group of Firms LTD sociological model of exponential growth and perpetual warfare between the BNPT and TMHs had a very drastic side affect. It was sucking the earth dry of oil. The GGFLTD did not see this as a negative. The constant search for oil was only an opportunity for more jobs, and a solid reason to go to war, which was a great motivator to build things, especially after they'd been blown up. In order to meet the massive and unmeetable demand for oil, the GGFLTD “advised” (demanded with no chance of any possible alternative) the drilling of countless oil wells in countless oceans and under countless arctic ice shelves. At a rupturing rate of nearly 50% and with the mere mention of silly things like 'the environment' or 'standards' or 'the planet' being punishable by death, it was not long before every ocean was oozing with oil. Nobody cared... it was soon decreed, by way of newly circulated GGFLTD approved information documents, that the ocean had always been black and goopy, and that the new shimmering fish species living in the black goop had always been there. Anyone who thought otherwise soon found themselves homeless. Most people found themselves homeless actually. The infinite wisdom of the Investment Bankers found that the act of residing in homes merely made it harder to keep them clean, and generally aided in the deterioration of the value of the buildings. In order to keep the graphs and charts headed in an upward trajectory, it was vital that all buildings remain empty, save for cleaners and security persons keeping non-cleaners off the premises.