I nodded quickly. She didn't even notice I was crying. "Good." she said, straightening up. "Good,"
Then she walked through the dining room and out to the hallway. I heard her going up the stairway. For a while I just sat at the table. I was still too frightened to move a muscle. Finally, I rose slowly and took the empty plates back into the kitchen.
Except for putting the meat loaf ingredients back into the pantry, there was nothing else for me to do. I really wasn't very hungry myself, just thirsty. so I poured myself some orange juice, washed the glass, put it away, and went into the living room to fix the sofa. Afterward. I sat and listened for Mommy. but I never heard her moving around. I thought she might have fallen asleep.
My curiosity about Noble was too strong to contain. I went to the stairway, listened, and then when I thought it was safe enough, walked quietly up to the door of our bedroom. I tried the knob, but found it was locked.
"What are you doing?" I heard, It didn't sound at all like Mommy, but when I turned she was standing there in her bedroom doorway, and she was totally naked. "Well?"
"I just... I wanted to..."
"Go to sleep!" she ordered. "Didn't I tell you to stay quiet? Its important. Do it!"
She stepped forward threateningly, so I turned and hurriedly descended the stairs. I went into the living room and stood listening, my heart pounding. The lights went out above. I went to my pullout sofa bed and sat until I was tired enough to close my eyes and lie back. I didn't fall asleep quickly. I listened to every sound in the house because now it was creaking again and the wind threaded its way through every small opening in the roof and shutters. Finally, mercifully, sleep took me prisoner, and I. like an exhausted combatant, surrendered without delay.
Spirits swirled around me like the water in the creek. My dreams tossed and turned me. I felt hands on me and muttered for Mommy. but I didn't wake up fully.
I fell back into the raging water of my twisted nightmares, where I was carried off into a darker and darker place.
The morning light woke me, and for a long moment. I really didn't remember why I was sleeping in the living room. My body ached in places it had never ached. My empty stomach rumbled. I took a breath and sat up, grinding the traces of sleep out of my eyes. When I pulled my hands away, I gasped and felt as if I had just swallowed a spoonful of pure ice.
Mommy was standing in the doorway, her face nearly as white as milk. She was dressed in black, the same dress she had worn for Daddy's funeral and the day after Mr. Kotes had been killed. Her lips were caught in a crooked smile. The way she was looking at me frightened me.
"Mommy?" I said and nearly burst into tears.
"Your sister is gone." she said. She has been taken from us to live with our ancestors and her father. We can do nothing but accept it."
"What?" I asked, puzzled over her remark.
"You must come outside with me now." she said. "We're going to say goodbye to her body. You remember," she added, now smiling nicely. "the cup and the water?"
"Outside?"
"Yes, follow me now," she said. "Come along."
She turned and went to the front door. I slipped my shoes back on quickly and stood up. I had fallen asleep in my clothing.
She waited at the open door. I saw she had our old family Bible in her hands. What was all this? Why did she say "your sister"?
As soon as she saw me, she walked out. I followed behind, moving slowly, as slowly as she was moving. As she turned toward the old cemetery, she began to chant something I didn't recognize at all. Then she stopped, lit a candle she was carrying, and carefully, so as to keep the flame from going out, cupped it and continued toward the cemetery. At the gate, she lifted the candle, let the wind snuff out the small flame, but then waved the smoke around her.
I watched everything she did with my eyes so wide my forehead folded in pain. The moment she stepped through the gate. I started and stopped. So did my heart.
There was an open grave right beside Infant Jordan's. When had she dug that? She had to have done it during the night when I was asleep.
"Quickly," she said, turning toward int. "Under the smoke," she indicated, nodding at where she had twirled the candle.
My feet were in mutiny. They didn't want to obey. but I forced myself to walk into the cemetery and stand beside her. Every part of me was trembling.
"-We've come to say our final .good-bye. Noble," she told me, and she nodded toward the open grave.
Why was she calling me Noble? I stepped up to the grave.
I will never forget that moment. The scream that began inside me nearly blew out my eardrums. because I did not utter it. I was too shocked, too frightened. Nothing that had happened to inc before and nothing that has happened to me since will ever clap thunder as loud, singe the sky with fire as hot and bright, burn through my heart or capture and hold my breath as long as this.
There in the grave lay my brother. Noble... dressed in my clothes, wearing my shoes and my amulet.
She had somehow taken it off me during the night, and it wasn't until that very moment that I noticed I was wearing his talisman instead of my own. In my clothes, with a bonnet on his head that I hadn't worn for years, he truly did look like me. I did feel like I was gazing down at myself.
"Good-bye. Celeste," Mommy whispered. "Now you must join our ancestors and walk with them. You must have become so worthy in their eyes. I can be only happy for you for that, and of course, now you will keep Daddy company. How lonely he must have been to let this happen to you."
She turned to me and smiled softly.
"Your brother wants to say good-bye, too." she said, looking at me. "Go on, Noble," she urged. "Don't be afraid. She can hear you for a little while longer. Go on."
I gazed down at him and then at her. She was still smiling and waiting. What was I supposed to say? "Mommy--"
"Just say good-bye to your sister. Noble. Sleep well, Go on. Say it," she instructed.
I looked at my brother, and then I muttered a good-bye. Mommy opened her Bible and began to read.
"The Lord is my shepherd..."
I listened, unable to move, practically unable to breathe. Every time I looked down at him. I grew dizzy. The clouds above seemed to spin and spin, dropping lower and lower, coming at me. Her voice droned on. I could hear the wind in the trees. The clouds continued to drop.
Suddenly, all was black.
I awoke in my bed, or what I thought was my bed. When I gazed around. I realized I was in Noble's bed. My head felt different. too. I brought my hands to it and quickly realized that my hair had been cut. Then I looked down at myself and saw I was wearing Noble's shirt and pants. I sat up quickly, and just as I did. Mommy appeared in the doorway, a tray in her hands. This time it had a cup of herbal tea on it and two pieces of toast with her homemade blueberry jam.
"Now, there you are," she said setting the tray down on the nightstand and then pulling a chair up to the bed. "Sit up. Noble," she said and fixed the pillow behind me.
"Mommy, why am I wearing Noble's clothing, and why did you cut my hair?" I asked.
"She was very close to them. Noble," she replied instead of answering me. "I knew in my heart she would be taken. That's why they appeared to her so soon. We should be grateful for the time we had with her. No one else will understand. I know that. You know how these people around us can be. It has to be our secret, my darling. Our secret."
"But... I'm Celeste." I said.
"No. no. You must be your brother forever and ever now. It's what they want, what they expect. Every day you will understand more and more. You will hear the spirits telling you what I am telling you. You will hear them just as I do. You will know I am right.
"If you betray them, if you disobey, the evil spirits will take you as well, but you will not be with your father, for you failed to protect your brother's spirit, so you must take his spirit into you. You must be his spirit. Noble must not be gone," she added. "It wasn't his time. It was Celeste's time. That's
what we now know."
She reached for the tray.
"Eat and drink some tea," she said, smiling lovingly.
"I need you to be strong again. We have much to do together, Noble."
I stared at her, but she continued to smile.
"I will never again call you anything but Noble, and you must never again answer to any other name. To abandon this destiny is to condemn yourself to the darkness and the fire, to be forever in a place where there is no love, no hope. Ugly in, beauty out, forever and ever," she said. "Go on, eat, sip your tea, get well, and then we will begin."
Begin what? I wondered,
It was as if she could read my thoughts.
"Begin your rebirth," she said and rose slowly. "We'll have to contend with the outsiders for a while. They would never be able to understand us, so we must tell them things they will be able to understand. After that they'll be gone from our lives, and we will be able to continue, just as always." she said, smiling, and continued walking toward the doorway.
She turned back to me, her smile deeper, brighter. "Guess what I've done." she said. "To cheer you up." I couldn't speak. All I did was shake my head.
"I've brought out the trains again," she said. "When you're ready, you can go downstairs and play with them, okay?"
Her smile faded.
"We'll miss her, Noble. Well miss Celeste very badly, but we'll have to content ourselves with the knowledge that she is with spirits who want and love her dearly. She is in a happy place. She'll forever walk beside her daddy.
As you will someday, and as I will, too. Don't you set?" she said anxiously. "I've found a way to keep us together,"
She turned and walked out. I heard her descending the stairs slowly, and finally. I released the breath that had been locked in my lungs.
I looked over at what was my bed. I almost expected to see myself there. How strange it felt to be looking at it this way, I thought.
I got out of the bed and immediately stopped to look at the mirror on the wall. My hair was Noble's length, and in his clothing, I did not see myself. I saw him.
It was as if he had been standing beside me and suddenly slipped into me. and I was gone, to be replaced by him. I would be Noble. Mommy had said it was my destiny, and I knew destiny was something you couldn't prevent, you couldn't change.
But why was it so?
As if I knew exactly what he would say. I glanced at my bed and then back at the mirror.
"It was her fault," I said to the image of Celeste sinking in the mirror. "If she hadn't pulled on the fishing rod. I wouldn't have fallen. This is right. Tammy is right.
"It's what has to be. "Forever "
And like someone closing a book. I turned my back on what had been my side of the room and drank the tea and ate the toast Mommy had brought up for Noble,
For me.
And then I went downstairs to play with the trains.
9
Celeste Is Gone
.
Mommy asked me to help her plant grass over
the newly dug grave. For as long as I could remember, she had taken tender loving care of the old cemetery, not only weeding, but scraping the mold off the stones and the walls. She told me many times that it was our sacred responsibility to do so, for the heart of her family, our family, lie buried there. She said the spirits that hovered about our home often gathered together there and sang hymns. If I listened carefully to the wind as it circled our house at night. I could hear their sweet, melodic voices. She revealed that often now, especially since Daddy's death, she went out there in the evening and joined them. She promised me she would wake me next time and take me out with her to sing at the graves of our precious ancestors.
I raked the earth, planted the seeds, and watered them. There was to be no marker with CELESTE written upon it, however, which made me happy.
"We cannot ever reveal anyone else is buried here. Noble," Mommy told me as we worked, "They wouldn't understand, and that's why we must make this earth look unturned. It will always be our secret to be guarded with our very lives. Put your hand upon the earth above our precious dearly departed and swear with me to keep this secret locked in your heart forever and ever. Swear," she said and fell to her knees.
I did, too, and we put our palms on the cool, fresh ground. Mommy recited the pledge.
"We shall never tell anyone ever that Celeste is here," she recited with her eyes closed. "I swear,"
"I swear," I followed, and she smiled at me and leaned over to kiss me and run her fingers through my hair.
"My precious Noble, my beautiful Noble,- she said.
I had never seen her look at me with such love and admiration. Despite everything, I couldn't help but feel my heart fill with joy, even with the strange new lessons that followed nightly for days and days.
"This is truly your rebirth." she began after sitting me down in the living room. "It will take time, maybe as long as a baby takes, nine months, maybe even a little longer, but now that Noble's spirit is in you, eventually you will become as Noble was meant to be. You will be so successful that even your daddy will recognize your spirit as Noble's spirit. He will be so proud of you," she promised. "When you see him again, he will have a father's pride written all over his face."
How wonderful. My father would love me, and my mother would love me as she had never loved me. I thought, I thought about it every night, and especially in the way her voice filled with bells and music whenever she spoke to me now, or called to me. She had never embraced me or kissed me as much. The happiness in her eyes fed my own. She even seemed to grow younger and more beautiful as I grew taller and stronger,
"Let us begin." she said the very night after Celeste's burial. for I had come to think of it that way. It was what Mommy wanted, what the spirits wanted. "From now on, you must never, ever let anyone see you naked," Mommy warned. "Keeping you here in home schooling will make that so much easier. You see that now, don't you? You won't ask me constantly when you are going to public school anymore. right?'
"No. Mommy," I said. "Good."
"Boys have a rougher edge," she continued. "I really don't mind your love of insects, your collection of dead things."
I swallowed hard. I minded it.
"In time, of course. I would expect you to focus yourself on more important things, Noble. A boy must become a man. You must assume more responsibility. Your day will be filled with more serious work and less playtime. We have a lot to do here together. There is just the two of us now, and I will depend upon you to help with the harder chores. It will take much more strength than you have shown in the past, but you will grow if you listen to me. Will you?"
There was nothing in her face that revealed she did not really see Noble in me when she looked at me now. Sometimes, when she spoke. I listened for hesitation, but there was never any. She looked at me just the way she had always looked at Noble. I had envied him for that, and now it was mine, forever and ever, my mother's eyes were mine.
"Yes. Mommy." I said. "I will listen. I promise." "Good."
She reached out and took my hands into hers, turning them palms up.
"Your hands will get tougher, rougher, too. Noble. Don't be afraid of calluses. Calluses protect your hands from the pain of hard work. Remember how rough Daddy's hands were and how strong?" I nodded.
"Yours will be like that. Don't be worried about skin lotions, and don't try to be like me," she warned, 'Boys don't think of such things for some time, and you're rapidly approaching that age when things begin to be different, so different between boys and girls.
"Anyway." she said. "I want you to know that for now it's all right for you to go back into the forest and finish your fort. Your childhood days are limited, and you should be able to get the most out of them. I know how precious those memories will be to you when you're older and mature and unable, to do things like that anymore.
"Try to recall all the stories your daddy told you about himself when he was a little boy. Remember h
ow much he enjoyed reminiscing and describing the things he had done?"
"Yes,'" I said, smiling at that memory.
"Well, it will be the same for you. Oh, there is so much for you to learn. Noble, so much to know and be aware of so you don't make mistakes, especially with people who could never understand us, appreciate us. We don't need them barking at our heels, peeping through fences, whispering about us." she said with anger tightening her lips and filling her eyes with bright new rage. "Fortunately, as you know. I was a schoolteacher for a long time. I know about boys and girls better than most mothers know about them. and I will always be here to help you. So you need not worry. Okay, my darling?"
She ran her fingers through my hair, mussing it. I started to fix it, and she stopped me.
"Don't worry so much about your looks vet, Noble. Boys get dirtier_ more messy and don't think about it until they are older and think about the way they look to girls. You're not going to be a Little Lord Fauntleroy. Arthur Atwell's son will never be called a sissy, never," she pledged.
When I was studying to be a teacher. I studied what is called the gender differences. Gender is another word for sexual differences. Boys hate to be compared to girls, to be thought too much like a girl, but girls aren't as frightened of it, and do you know why?"
I shook my head.
"Boys in general are more aggressive, more competitive. It's why men still make more money than women in this country and why women have a harder time being successful. Women aren't supposed to be tough, relentless, ruthless, which are often things people must be to claw their way to the top. See? I even said 'claw.' Most women don't want to claw. Most women don't want to break their fingernails."
She looked at my hands.
"I've got to cut yours back. I see. Okay, enough of this lecture for now. Go on out and work on your fort. I'll be by later to see how you're doing."
I really wasn't sure what to do exactly. but I went out to the barn and located the tools I had seen Noble use. The walls of the fort were not quite complete. There was a pile of wood slats beside what had been done. so I began to fit them on the shell Noble had built. I worked for hours, and when I stepped back. I noticed that my slats were put on more neatly and evenly. I was thinking about it so hard and remembering my brother so much. I didn't realize Mommy had been standing behind me for a while.