"What's taking you so long?" she cried from the bathroom doorway, "Hurry up and get yourself naked and in here. There is no time to lose."
She turned into the bathroom. I continued to undress. When I was naked. I entered slowly. It had been a while since Mommy had gazed upon me and seen my body develop, but when she looked at me now, it was just a glance and it was as if she saw nothing different from the first day she had dressed me in my brother's clothing.
She stood by the tub and looked down at the water pouring into it. I saw the jar of black powder in her hands.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's from my grandmother's secret closet," she said. "Her own recipe. Get in the water," she told me and stood back waiting.
I approached the tub and then slowly brought my leg over and my foot down. The moment I touched the water, I leaped back. It was scalding.
"Its too hot!" I cried.
"It has to be very hot. Get in," she said without emotion. She sounded as if she was under a spell herself.
"I can't. Its much too hot."
"Get in," she said again.
I shook my head and backed away.
"Get in. Noble. Get in."
"Make it cooler."
"Okay," she said suddenly, and she turned the cold faucet on and let it run. "Try it now," she said. and I cautiously dipped my foot in again. It was still very hot, but bearable.
"Soak," she said. and I sat slowly and endured the hot water.
She then sprinkled the black powder into the water, and it quickly turned the water into a dark blue.
"It smells terrible," I said.
"It s not supposed to be bath salts. Just soak," she said and left me.
"How long?" I called after her.
"Until I return," she said.
"What does it do?" I shouted, but she didn't hear me, or if she did, she didn't want to respond.
I had to turn my head because the smell was so gross. I felt like I was going to vomit. I leaned over the side of the tub and waited and waited. I thought she had forgotten me when she finally came into the bathroom. I looked up and saw she was carrying a large cauldron. Before I could protest, she rushed at the tub and poured out the contents, which was scalding hot water. I shouted and tried to get out, but she pushed down on my shoulders and held me in the water. I cried and cried and begged. Finally, she let me emerge. My skin was as red as it would be if I had lain out naked in the hot sun for a day. It was painful, too, especially where some of the boiling water had hit my body.
I gabbed a towel and began to wipe myself, but that hurt.
"Lie down," she told me. "I'll bring you some soothing salve."
I didn't trust her. When she returned this time, she had a jar of one of her herbal salves, but I cringed when she began to wipe it on my body, expecting some more pain. It didn't hurt. It brought relief.
"Hopefully we have driven what remains of the evil out of your earthly body. Sleep now. Noble." she said. "And say your prayers. We have to pray you've been completely cleansed, that all that corrupted you has been exorcized."
She left, closing my door. I heard the familiar sound of the key in the lock.
I was going to be put on a fast again. I thought. and like someone condemned. I closed my eyes and listened for the tolling bells of doom.
She surprised me, however, by bringing me cups of tea, toast, and jam. She brought me no breakfast in the morning, but she did bring me some hot cereal for dinner and some fruit. She rubbed the salve over my body again and told me to rest. Later that evening, she burned her incense around me and held vigil. Every time I tried to speak or get up, she shook her head and said. "Not yet. Its not time yet."
I was permitted only to go to the bathroom. After two days, she opened my door and told me I should dress and go wait for her at the cemetery. Grateful I could finally emerge from my room. I hurriedly did what she asked. She didn't come to the cemetery for quite a while, and when she approached, I saw she was wearing her mourning clothes and was completely in black from her shoes to the veil she wore.
There, before the old tombstones, she held my hand and sang her hymns. Then she stopped and offered a prayer, begging the spirits not to take me from her. She had me plead with them as well, repeating the words she dictated. When it was over, we returned to the house. Mommy changed into her everyday clothes and then behaved as if nothing unusual had happened. She went about her house chores and gave me my schoolwork and the list of things she wanted me to accomplish around the house and the property. Not another word was said about Elliot Fletcher or the policemen who had visited us.
Every once in a while during the days that followed. I would catch her looking at me, or more accurately, around me, and nodding. She saw someone, some spirit. I was sure. and I held my breath and waited for some sort of verdict or conclusion, but she said nothing. I was happy she at least looked content.
Finally, one evening a week later, after we had eaten our dinner, she folded her hands on the table and leaned forward to speak to me. I could tell from the expression on her face and the tone of her voice that she was going to assume her teacher mode.
"There will be other times, other challenges like the one we just had." she began. "It is very important that you tell me immediately when anything like that occurs. Never, never again will you keep anything secret from me. Noble. We are all we have and all we will ever have,"
She smiled.
"Once you were inside me, a part of me physically. Then you were born and you were outside me, but what tied us together was never untied. Do you understand? Do you understand now how very important it is to be trusting and truthful with me and how that keeps us bound together? Do you?"
"Yes," I said.
"Good. Because I have a wonderful surprise for you tonight." she said. "First. I'll clean up our dinner dishes and put things away. You go wait patiently in the living room," she said and I rose and left the dining room.
I sat in Mommy's great-grandfather Jordan's rocking chair. I really didn't think about it. I just did it, but when she came to me, I could see in her smile that she thought it was something significant.
"It doesn't surprise me to find you sitting there," she said. "We are often drawn to our ancestors through set pieces in our home. Remember that. Remember how important it is to cherish everything that binds us to them."
She held a candleholder and an unlit candle in her hand.
"I know that it was always upsetting to you that Celeste was able to cross over so quickly at so young an age while you were still waiting at the wall with no sign of any doorway. As we learned, that was because they had other plans for her, plans we didn't
understand then. Now," she said. "they finally have plans for you."
I barely moved a muscle listening. What did that mean? What sort of plans for me? What was she going to do?
"Come with me," she said. smiling. "Come on." She lit the candle, turned, and walked to the doorway, waiting.
I tried very hard not to be afraid, but the memory of my scalding bath was still quite vivid. My skin cringed. She saw it in my face and laughed,
"There is nothing bad awaiting you. dear Noble, only good things now. Don't look so frightened. Come along."
I realized all the lights in the house were turned off. In the darkness, with only the glow of the candle showing us the way. I followed her to the stairway. The shadows slid over the walls along with us. We walked up slowly, her cupping the small flame to be sure it staved lit and bright, and then we continued to the turret room. She unlocked the door and entered first, turning to beckon me to follow.
When I walked in. I saw a mattress had been placed on the floor. Around it were all the pictures we had of the relatives, and in front of them were other candles, yet unlit. Next to the mattress was a black pitcher and a goblet, an heirloom we never used. Previously, it had been on a shelf in the armoire in the dining room.
"Do you know where you're going tonight?" she asked me. I shook my head.
&nb
sp; "Tonight, you will go through that door we spoke of, and as brief as it might seem to you, you will walk with them and you will finally hear them speak. It's a gift they have decided to bestow on you."
She looked about the dark room, holding the candle high to throw its glow over the walls, the windows, and the floor. She moved slowly in a circle so that the light washed across every part of the room, as if she was sterilizing it with the yellow glow. Then she stopped and turned back to me.
"I was younger than you when my mother gave me the gift, but it was just how it was, how it was meant to be. Afterward, just as it will be for you. I no longer needed anyone's help to cross over. Sometimes we need to do this, my mother told me. There's nothing shameful about that. Think of it the way you would think of a helping hand reaching out for you, guiding you, pulling you aboard a wonderful ship to take you on an dazzling journey. You are ready for this. I know you have wanted it for so long, and I know you were often jealous of Celeste, who did not need any help.
"But all that is over now. Tonight it ends."
She put the candleholder down gently and then picked up the pitcher and the goblet. I watched her pour something into it. Then she turned to me and offered me the goblet.
"First, you will drink this, and then I want you to lie down softly on the magic carpet, for that is truly what it will become," she said.
Hesitantly. I reached out and took the goblet. She urged me with her eyes and her smile. I couldn't help my hesitation, nor the way my hand trembled.
"Trust. remember? We must have trust between us. Drink, my darling. Drink it all in one long gulp. Don't sip it. Go on," she said.
A dark part of me wondered if this was going to be the end. Before morning's light, would she lay me down beside Noble? Would I become a spirit. too, and was that the way she would keep us together forever? Was that the way I would cross over?
Even if that was true. shouldn't I be happy? After all. I was soon to enter a perfect world, a world in which I no longer had to hide from myself, disguise myself, be someone I was not. -Wouldn't that be the true gift, and didn't I finally deserve it?
Perhaps what had happened between Elliot and me had convinced her I was in danger of never crossing over. Perhaps she had been told, and that was why tonight I had been brought here and, like my Juliet in the play I so loved, given a potion to swallow that held the promise of endless happiness. There were so many forces greater than myself, than my little mind, my small fears, my tiny being. Who was I to challenge any of them?
I took the goblet and brought it to my lips.
If this was truly the end of one life and the beginning of another, to what was I to say good-bye? What would I miss? My chores, my spar-tan room, my fishing pole, and new chain saw? Was there anything I left behind that brought tears to my eyes?
Or was it truly the beginning, and on the contrary, weren't there so many things I would say hello to again? My dolls, my beautiful clothes, my jewels, my teacup set, all of it, just waiting for me.
Really, I thought, I have no good-byes to say, just hellos.
I tipped the goblet and let the cool, strangetasting liquid flow over my tongue and down my throat, swallowing quickly until it was all gone.
Mommy nodded and took the goblet from me gently.
"Lie down," she said.
I did as she asked, and she slowly and carefully lit every candle in front of every picture. Then she stood up with her own candle and holder in hand and smiled down at me.
"What a lucky boy you are," she said. see you again," she promised and left the turret room, closing the door softly behind her. I heard the key turn in the lock, and then I heard her steps as she walked away.
The candles flickered around me, causing shadows to dance over the walls. Soon I felt my head spinning, and then it wasn't just my head. My whole body started to turn and turn. I closed my eyes and put my hands on the floor to steady myself. All sorts of colors and flashes of light streaked over my closed eyelids. I thought I shouted. but I wasn't sure. What I was sure of was that I could hear Mommy playing on the piano below.
Suddenly I stopped spinning, and then I saw something out of the corner of my eye. A puff of smoke rose. Did it come from the candle in front of the picture of Auntie Helen Rot or did it come from the picture itself? I shifted my gaze to my right because another puff of smoke rose in front of Grandpa Jordan's picture, and then another from Great-Aunt Louise, another from Cousin Simon, and yet another from Grandmother Gussie's picture.
All the puffs rose and merged in front of me, and then the shadows that danced on the walls turned into the spirits Mommy had promised. They circled inc. I could hear them laughing. They moved faster and faster, their laughter louder, and then they stopped and returned to their pictures, the smoky forms almost sucked into the frames.
All was quiet. Mommy's piano music rose again, and there was Great-Grandpa Jordan sitting in his rocker, looking at me. He nodded.
"What a good child you are," he said. "I'm very proud of you. Very proud."
I heard giggling and saw three little girls kneeling beside me. When I reached out to touch them, they were one like popped bubbles, but just as soon as they were gone. I heard someone clear his throat and turned to see Uncle Peter, Great-Grandma Jordan's brother, standing and looking down at me, that gold pocket watch of his that was in his
photograph in his hand. He squinted and opened it.
"It's almost time," he said.
Then he was gone.
The shadows continued to dance on the walls, "Daddy!" I called. "Daddy."
The music seemed to get louder.
I felt fingers in my right hand and looked up to see him, my daddy, standing there, as young as he was when I was five.
"You've been a good girl," he said. "We all love you, and we'll never let anything bad happen to you again. That's a promise."
"Where's Noble?" I asked him, and he nodded toward my left.
There was Noble. smirking.
"You have no right trying to be me," he said, "You can't fish for nothing, and what about that new chain saw? You barely can hold it. What a waste. You don't have an ant farm going either.
"And when was the last time you played in my fort? You let it rot in the woods."
"What did I ask you, Noble?" Daddy said. "What did I ask you to do?"
"Be nice," Noble answered, "Are you being nice?"
"No." He shook his head at me. "You don't want to come here." he said. "You've got to be nice all day and night."
I heard Daddy's laugh, and then all of them laughed, my uncles, my grandparents, and cousins. The laughter got louder than the piano music.
"I want my electric trains!" Noble screamed. He popped and was gone.
Daddy remained there, holding my hand. "Don't leave me. Daddy," I begged. "Please."
"I never will" he said. He sat beside inc.
Together we looked at the wall and watched the pictures run by like a movie, all the pictures of me and Noble and our happy days, our walks, our swimming, our fishing together. There were the pictures of our trips, too, our rides, the times we went to the fun parks, our birthdays, on and on they ran, flashing faster and faster until they began to run into each other.
"Daddy," I said nervously and fearfully.
"I'm here," he whispered.
The pictures were soon indistinguishable balls of light that grew so bright, I couldn't look directly at them. I had to close my eyes.
"Daddy..."
I heard my voice echo.
I was falling and falling into some dark place.
"Daddy...."
"I'm here," his voice echoed back, and then... all was black.
I woke to the sound of the key in the lock and heard the door opening. Sunlight was streaming through the window so brightly, I knew it was late in the morning, if not early afternoon.
All of the candles were burned down in front of the pictures. Mommy stepped in and looked at me.
"Good morning," she said.
"You can tell me everything after you wash and change for breakfast. okay?"
I started to sit up and groaned. I felt so stiff, and there was a tiny beating of blood in my temples.
"You'll be fine," Mommy said, helping me to my feet.
"Once you have something substantial in your stomach, you'll be fine. And guess what? It's a beautiful day. You should see how our herbs are growing, too."
I followed her out, the brightness still hard to take. I had to shade my eyes.
"Youve got an old-fashioned hangover," Mommy said. laughing. "But don't worry. I have all the remedies, and the remedies that really work, too. You'll be yourself in no time."
We stopped in front of my room.
"Take a nice shower. Ill be waiting for you downstairs." She shook her head and smiled at inc. "You look just the way I did afterward. The main thing to remember now. Noble, is you've crossed over, really crossed over, and you'll be seeing and hearing them all the time. It's the gift, the gift that binds you to me forever."
She kissed me on the forehead. Then she left me and descended the stairs.
I went into my room and began to undress to take that shower. Before I did. I went to my window and looked down. Something had drawn me to it.
There below, walking slowly and talking, were my three cousins who had died years and years before I was born:
Mildred, Louise. and Darla, all sisters. They were exactly as they were in the pictures on the hallway wall below, wearing the same calico dresses, their hair the same style. They paused as if they had heard something, and then the three of them looked up at me.
And they smiled.
I watched them walk on until they were entering the woods and disappearing in the shadows.
I wasn't trying hard to see them just to please Mommy. I thought, and this was certainly not a dream.
After all, weren't they all there for me as well? And wouldn't they be forever and ever?
18
Celeste
.
Shall I say that never a day passed now without
my seeing or feeling a spiritual presence? It wouldn't be a lie. Finally. I was truly like Mommy with her powerful spiritual vision. We shared the world as would two sisters who had inherited heaven and earth, happy for each other.