Dawn gasped. “Is it still on? She always had it on. ”
Michael’s mouth set into a grim line, and I looked away. I gritted my teeth as searing pain tore through my whole body. She wasn’t using it and that meant someone had her. Or someone had killed her. “We think someone else dumped the phone—not Summer. It seems unlikely a teenage girl with no known reason to leave home would throw away her cell. We’re assembling a team as we speak, and as soon as it’s light, we’ll search the water. I’m so sorry I don’t have any better news. ”
“You think my daughter’s in the canal?” Dawn whispered.
Michael nodded his head and dropped his eyes to the floor. “That’s a possibility. I’m so sorry. ”
I jumped up, finding some fight left. This is all wrong. “She’s not dead. I would know if she was dead. ” Why the fuck wouldn’t they listen to me when I told them that? My girlfriend was not dead. My throat went dry and I stopped breathing. She isn’t, is she?
“Calm down. ” Henry stood up and stood in front of me. He had the same color eyes as Summer. I wished it were hers staring back at me. “Her phone was found by a canal, Lewis,” he said, tears welling in his eyes. Her phone not her. I would never give up hope.
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I backed away from him and shook my head. “She’s not dead,” I repeated and walked back up to Summer’s room. Summer was alive, and no one was going to make me believe anything else.
Since I was already up, I decided not to waste any time getting out there. There was never enough time. Every night when the sun set, I wished for just a few more hours of daylight, always wondering if we went home just five minute too early.
I walked out of the house and got in my car, eager to leave. I couldn’t be there. How could they just give up on her?
The damn phone didn’t mean anything. She isn’t dead. I could tell what was wrong with her before she even knew it. She was such an open book—to me anyway. I could read her so easily. I could finish her sentences and understand what she was thinking just by looking at her face. We were too close for me not to know if she was dead.
Taking a deep breath, I put the car into first and was just about to pull off when I saw Henry in the mirror, running toward me and holding his arm up. What now? I wound the passenger window down but swung the door open. “If you’re coming, Henry, just get—”
“No,” he snapped, cutting me off. He got in the car and faced me. “You can’t go. They found something. ”
For the second time in twenty minutes, my world stopped spinning. “What did they find?” I whispered, gulping down my fear.
“Two bodies. It’s not Summer, but they’re still looking. ”
“How do they know it’s not Summer? They’re sure?”
He nodded. “They’ve been down there too long for it to be her. ” My stomach turned. What would a body that had been in water for longer than five months look like? I scrunched my eyes closed in pain. “We need to go there, Lewis. ”
“Are they going to find her too?” I felt as if my chest were being cut open and my heart ripped out. I had never felt anything so painful—it took my breath away. Was I about to go and watch my girlfriend’s body being dragged from a canal? “I…I don’t…” Worlds failed to make sense. Nothing made sense. She was too young, too smart, and too beautiful to have her life ripped away from her like that. We had so much we wanted to do together to have it ripped away from us.
“We just need to go. Now. ” Henry slammed the door closed. “Follow my dad. ” Michael and the other officer rushed to their car and sped off. Shit, this is bad. “Go, Lewis,” Henry growled. I jumped and looked up. His parents were already driving down the road. Go, just go. I pulled off and raced after them.
***
It was freezing outside. The freezing wind bit at my skin through my stupidly thin sweater. I walked slowly along the edge of the canal with Henry and Summer’s parents. None of us were in any hurry to find out if our worst nightmare was about to come true.
Up ahead, police tape cordoned off an area of the canal just before a sharp corner. If we were made to stand there, we would barely see a thing. My heart was in my mouth as we approached the tape. I clenched my fists and held my breath.
“Daniel, go and find out,” Dawn said, begging her husband. This was the first time she had come out. There was nothing anyone could have said to get her to stay behind this time. She had called her mum to sit in the house just in case, by some miracle, Summer called. I needed a miracle.
All of a sudden, the cops burst into action, running off in the opposite direction so I couldn’t see anything. “What’s happening?” I shouted.
“Stay there. I’ll come and let you know anything as soon as I do,” Michael said over his shoulder as he ran toward all the fuss.
“Summer!” Dawn screamed. No! It can’t be her. “Not my little girl. Someone please tell me what’s going on. Daniel!” she pleaded. Her voice shook as she sobbed hysterically.
The air left my lung in a big rush; I leaned down on my thighs and tried to breathe. If Sum was down there, how did she die? Was she in pain before? Was it quick? I took a deep breath and blinked rapidly. Don’t think about that.
“Michael, what’s going on?” Daniel called. I craned my neck around so quickly the muscles stretched.
Michael strode toward us. “It’s not Summer. ” Closing my eyes, I let out a deep sigh of relief. Thank God.
Daniel shook his head. “So there’s three now?”
Michael nodded and scratched the side of his head. “Yes. I can’t say any more. I really do think you should wait at home, and I’ll call you if there’s any news. ”
Was he expecting to make that call? “Do you think Summer’s in there?” I asked again, hoping someone would eventually say no.
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“Lewis, I can’t say. I sincerely hope not, but we will continue searching until we know this water is clear. ”
23
CLOVER
Saturday, December 19th (1987)
Mummy held my hand tight as we crossed the busy road. We were going to buy Daddy’s Christmas present and buy the ingredients to bake cookies and cupcakes. “Mummy, can we make sausage rolls tonight too? I love sausage rolls!”
“That’s a wonderful idea, Colin. Sausage rolls are Daddy’s favorite too. ” I smiled wide and jumped up and down. Sausage rolls were all our favorites¸ and I couldn’t wait to eat at least five in one go. “In here, sweetheart,” she said and pulled me into a boring clothes shop. I hated going into clothing stores, but not more than I hated going into grocery stores. They were the most boring.
“What are we doing in here, Mummy?”
She looked down at me and smiled. “We’re getting Daddy a pair of gloves and a sweater for Christmas. ”
I frowned. “But I want to get him a new car. He said his old one is nearly dead. ”
She bent down and squeezed my cheek. “That’s very nice of you, sweetheart, but we don’t have enough money for that. Mummy and Daddy will sort the car out in the new year, okay?”
“Okay. Can we get him blue gloves?”
“Of course. ” She ruffled my hair and stood up. She always messed my hair up and then told me to flatten it so it was nice. I grinned. Silly Mummy. “What about these?”
I pointed to the better blue ones she was holding; the gloves in her other hand were a boring blue. “I like them. ”
“Then we’ll get them. Come, let’s look for a sweater and then maybe we can get a hot chocolate with marshmallows to warm ourselves up. ” I jumped up and down. I loved hot chocolate and marshmallows, and it was really cold outside.
Mummy chose Daddy’s sweater and a pair of trousers and two pairs of socks. I wanted to leave and get the hot chocolate. “Right,” she said when she had paid the lady. “Chocolate and then the supermarket for our ingredients. ”
“Ye
ah,” I cheered.
I followed her, sipping my boiling-hot hot chocolate. I had already eaten the marshmallows—they were the best part and I always ate them first. Mommy stopped in every aisle, even after we had got everything we needed. She leaned over and smelled the flowers. “Do you want to smell, Colin?”
I turned my nose up. “No, they smell yuk. ”
She frowned. “Sweetheart, flowers are not ‘yuk. ’ They’re nature’s most beautiful creation. Come on now. ” She picked up a really bright tulip and held it by my nose. I sniffed and it was okay. “See. It smells pretty, doesn’t it?”
I shrugged. “It’s okay, I guess. ”
Mummy stood up straight and looked at the old lady. “Can I have a bunch of the tulips, please?”
“A good choice, that one,” the old lady replied to Mummy. “I love to liven up the dark winter nights with colorful flowers. ” I looked around at the toy display because I was really bored. I wanted to go home and make cookies and sausage rolls.
“Ready, Colin?” Mummy said, tugging on my hand. “I think we’re all finished. ”
“Ready. ” I grinned.
***
“What the hell is this?” Mummy’s shouting made me jump, and I ran out of my room. She was looking in her bedroom. “Get out! Get out, you whore,” she screamed.
My heart was beating really, really fast, and I was scared. What was a whore? “Mummy?” I called and started crying. She didn’t hear me—she was too busy shouting. I stepped closer and saw Daddy in bed with the cover wrapped around him and another lady pulling her dress over her head. What were they doing?
“Beatrice,” Daddy said. “I can explain. ”
“Shut up! Get the hell out. I don’t want to see you ever again and take you dirty whore with you!” Mummy never shouted. I jumped into the corner of the hallway and sat on the floor. I looked up over my knees and saw the other lady run out of the room and down the stairs. Daddy followed but he stopped. “Get out and don’t ever contact us again. ”
“Beatrice, please let me explain. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. It didn’t mean anything; it was a mistake. ”
“You’re sorry you were caught, you sick bastard. You leave us alone. ”
“But Colin…”
Mummy laughed but it wasn’t her happy laugh. “You don’t love him. You don’t love either of us. You picked that over us. Get. Out. ” My lip trembled. My daddy didn’t love me and my mummy was mad. I closed my eyes, held my head, and cried.
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Sunday, January 30th (Present)
I smiled tightly as Lewis and what looked like his brother approached. “Thanks for coming,” Lewis said. “The groups have been organized already, but you can go with us. ”
“Okay,” I replied. “I’ll go wherever I’m needed. I’m Colin Brown. ”
“Lewis,” he said, holding his hand out. I shook his hand and turned my attention to the person standing to his side. “This is my brother, Theo. ” I shook his hand too. “Let’s get started then. I don’t want to waste any more time. ”
I had no idea where we were focusing our search, but it didn’t particularly matter. I just wanted to know what was going on and for people to see me helping find Lily. Lewis and his brother walked out of the town hall and across the road. The park was almost directly opposite.
We walked along the side of the park toward the fields at the back. There were four other people with us, all with maps and pointing at nothing in particular—it all looked very messy and random. As I walked past the park, I recalled when I first laid eyes on Lily. She was so beautiful, natural, and innocent, and her voice sang to me. As with all my girls, I knew instantly that she was part of my family. I knew she would fit in, and I was right.
“So is this your first time volunteering?” Lewis asked as he pulled back a branch to get a closer look at the bottom of the bramble bush at the entrance of the field.
“Yes, it is. When I heard the police search was slowing I thought I’d give my time. ” He pursed his lips. “You’re angry about that. I can’t blame you. ”
“It’s all because of money,” he spat. “My girlfriend is out there somewhere and they’re worried about how much it costs to fund the search. It’s disgusting. ” There are many things the police force didn’t do. The people volunteering to search were the same as me, taking something into their own hands to make a positive change.
“Yes, this world is very money driven now. It’s a shame. ”
“I appreciate you coming along. Are you alone? I didn’t see you with anyone. Most people come in pairs at least. ”
“I’m alone,” I confirmed. “How long will we spend in this field? All day or do we move on to somewhere else?” It was bitterly cold and we were out in the open. The field was the one behind where I found Lily. Long Thorpe was a short drive from my house, but even so, I didn’t know it well.
“We’ll move on soon. We’ve got the next two fields behind us to go. ” Ah, moving farther from the park. I admired his persistence. However, he should learn to take care of someone he claimed to love. “Do you need to leave?”
“No, I’m here for the day. I was just curious to know today’s schedule. ” He nodded and went back to searching for goodness knows what on the ground. I mimicked his actions, moving over fallen leaves and twigs. Searching fields seemed pointless now. Surely the logical thing to do in a situation like this was to speak to people, search the streets, like the official search. This now seemed less planned out and more desperate.
“Do you have any thoughts on where Summer is?” I asked him. I didn’t like using that name; Summer was dead.
He looked up at me and stared. I stood straight, my heart pounding. Why was he looking at me like that? I kept my posture firm and rigid. Finally, he frowned. “I wish I did. Wherever she is, I won’t stop until I’ve found her. ”
I looked away. “Of course. Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. ” He was still looking at me; I could feel his gaze burning into the side of my head.
“Yeah, no worries,” he replied and walked off. I heard him trudge along the crisp, frosty leaves. Why had he looked at me like that?
24
SUMMER
Friday, February 4th (Present)
I woke up to Violet whimpering and crying in pain. It had been two weeks since he hurt her. She had started to heal, but last night he had shoved her and she fell into one of the wooden chairs and hurt her ribs all over again—and it was all over dead flowers!
Rose held a cloth on Violet’s forehead. It was only quarter past five in the morning. Poppy was still sleeping peacefully—I envied her for that. I pushed the cover off me and crept over to them. “How long have you been up?” I whispered to Rose.
She looked over at me, startled. “About half an hour. I’ll change her bandages soon. Hopefully she’ll wake up properly, and we can give her one of the pills. If not, I’ll crush it and put it in her water. ” Violet’s breathing was fast and heavy. Her face scrunched up in pain and her hand clutched at her chest. She really needed painkillers, but we only had four that we accumulated. We needed to make them last.
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I nodded and turned my attention to Violet. “Are you okay?” Her eyes flicked open and landed on me; after a few seconds they closed again. She shook her head and whimpered. “I’m sorry. You’ll be all right, though. We’ll look after you,” I promised her. No matter what happened, I would not leave her by herself again. If she tried anything like that again, I would help her.
“Hurts. It hurts,” Violet whispered. Her pain was clear through her strained voice.
“I know it does. We can give you something now, if you want? Do you think you could swallow a pill?” Rose asked. Shouldn’t she be healing better than this? Something wasn’t right.
Violet nodded and winced at the same time. “Here,” Rose said, holding the tiny white pill out. Violet op
ened her mouth; Rose popped it in and held the glass of water up for her. I hated that there was nothing more I could do to help her. Three pills were all we had left now and there was no way she would be healed by tomorrow!
She slumped back in her bed and hissed through her teeth in pain. Her eyes filled with tears, but the intense expression on her face told me she wasn’t going to let herself cry. Violet was so strong—much stronger than me. “What’s he going to do to me?”
Rose squeezed her hand. “Nothing at all. You’re going to be fine. It’s sorted, remember? He’s not going to do anything to you. ” Was that really better? Living only meant living this “life. ” If I didn’t have the tiniest bit of hope that I would see Lewis and my family again I would have let him kill me weeks ago.
Violet’s eyes flickered to me for a second. She was expressionless, emotionless, like there was nothing there. I had no idea what she was thinking, and I wouldn’t be able to find out until we were alone. I had a feeling she wouldn’t want to talk in front of Rose and Poppy. I sat with her for as long as I could.
Poppy woke up and one by one we had a shower and changed into matching outfits. I helped Rose clean Violet’s wounds and change the bandages. Her head wound looked bad, but at least the bleeding had stopped now.
“You’re going to be just fine,” Rose said and stroked a stray strand of hair from Violet’s face. “We need to start breakfast now, but we’ll come back after. ”
I looked up at the clock. He would be down here in half an hour. My chest tightened at the thought of being around a table with him. I hated him so much it consumed me. Whenever anyone mentioned his name, I felt my blood boil. “Lily, just make sure you’re out here in twenty minutes, okay? We don’t want him to come in here looking for you,” Rose said and left us alone in the room.
“You gonna be okay?” Violet whispered.
“I’ll be fine,” I lied. “How are you feeling now?” I asked to shift the spotlight off me.
She shook her head and gasped in pain. “It hurts so much. ”
“The painkiller will kick in soon. ” I got her water and held the straw to her lips. I wanted to give her another pill but I knew I couldn’t yet—only when she really needed it.