Finn closed his eyes, anguish there, and lowered himself to his knees in front of her. She took his head in her hands and pressed her lips to his hair.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said softly, “but I can’t seem to stop myself from wanting you.”
Her ribs cinched tight, stealing her air for a second. “Finn…”
He looked up, pushing her hair away from her face, apologies in his eyes. “It’s selfish. I feel like a vampire, taking all I can from you, sucking up the light before I have to go back into the cave. I’m trained to evaluate worst-case scenarios. This scenario is only going to get worse the longer I stick around, but I can’t stop, even when I know I should walk away now. I can’t quit you. Tell me to leave you alone, Liv. Tell me you don’t want me here.”
The words wound through Liv like a song, a melancholy one that simultaneously made her want to smile and cry. She stared at him, at the earnest green eyes, the stubbled cheeks, the beautiful sweet boy who’d turned into a beautiful caring man. One who thought he was breaking his personal code by being here with her, putting her heart at risk. She slid her hands onto his shoulders. “I’m not going to lie to you. And what’s the worst-case scenario? I fall in love?”
He winced and glanced away.
“Right.” She leaned forward and brushed her lips over his cheek, bravery swelling in her. “I have good news then.”
He met her gaze.
“You’re already too late. Worst-case scenario achieved. So you might as well ride it out to the end now and make it worth it.”
He inhaled a sharp breath, his expression going slightly panicked. “Liv.”
She pressed her fingers over his mouth, her heart beating wildly but her voice staying steady. “Don’t freak out about what’s already done. When you leave, no matter what, you can know that you gave me a gift. You reminded me that I’m capable of feeling this.” She looped her arms around his neck. “Now let me feel it, Finn. Don’t take that away by trying to protect me. I don’t need your protection. I just need you to be yourself with me. I love you. And you will leave. And I will be okay.”
She said the words almost more to herself than to him. She had to believe that. Had to hold on to that. Because there was no putting the feelings back in a box. They were there. Maybe had always been there on some level, waiting to bloom again. They would come along with a broken heart, but for the first time in longer than she could remember, she felt fully present. Alive. Real.
For that, she would pay the price.
Finn slowly rose to his feet, taking her with him, and wrapped his arms around her waist, some of the tension melting out of him. “That much I can give you. You want me. Here I am. Selfish, wants-to-be-with-you-all-summer, damn-the-consequences me.”
Her lips curved. “Excellent. Now can I get back to using you for your body?”
Finally, some light came back into his eyes, and he traced his finger along her lower back where her T-shirt was riding up. “Yes, on one condition.”
She shivered at his touch. “What’s that?”
“You’re not allowed to sleep in the guesthouse anymore. If I can’t hide, neither can you. You sleep with me.” His hand slipped lower, beneath her sleep shorts, teasing at the band of her panties.
She closed her eyes and nodded. “Deal.”
“And one more thing?”
She was having trouble focusing now. A hot, shirtless man with roaming hands could be such a distraction. “Hmm?”
He put his lips to her ear. “I love you back. Guess we’re both screwed.”
Her eyes popped open, the words sparking through her like lightning. “Finn…”
“No more talking.” He lifted her into his arms and lowered her onto the bed, taking her mouth in a kiss on the way down.
She didn’t protest.
What was there left to say?
Finn undressed her in between kisses, slipping off her T-shirt and tugging off her sleep shorts and panties. She was naked and warm beneath him in a matter of seconds, his hands mapping her, and his mouth following the trail. She dragged her fingers along his back, through his hair, not guiding him on where to go because he seemed to know exactly how to touch her. He slid a big hand along her thigh, opening her for him, and then he pressed a kiss right at the center of her. Gentle, almost reverent. Like he was thanking her for being a woman. For being his. His name fell from her lips like a mantra.
It was all she could manage to say. Her heart felt too big for her chest, and each touch was electric. She didn’t know what to do with all that feeling. She’d slept with more people than she cared to admit, but she’d never made love to someone. Never had anything at stake. This felt different. More intense. More important.
And hotter. Way hotter.
She wanted all of him. His body. His smiles. His secrets. His fears. Those sounds he made when she did something to him that felt good. Wanted to be the one making him feel good. He laid a path of kisses up her stomach and between her breasts until he braced over her, muscles tensed and gorgeous, green eyes intent, erection brushing against her belly. She made a hungry sound in the back of throat.
He smiled a smile that set off firecrackers inside her. “What’s that look for?”
“That’s the I hope he’s not going to make me wait too long look.” She worked her other hand down his body and gripped his erection through his pants. “Apparently love is a potent aphrodisiac. I’m ready to throw you down and have my filthy way with you.”
He gave her a wicked grin. “I’d like to see you try. I’m trained in hand-to-hand combat and restraint.”
She let her fingers slide into the open fly of his pajama pants, finding the velvet heat of his cock. “I know how to do better things with my hands.”
His eyes flared with interest. “Tell me about it.”
She licked her lips and glanced down to where her hand was wrapped around him and gave him a slow stroke. She’d never been a dirty talker with other guys, had always felt silly even though she had X-rated commentary running through her head. But with Finn, the filters fell away easily. “I like how hot and smooth you feel when you’re this hard. Like to think about how that heat will feel inside me, filling me. I’m wet imagining it.”
His eyelids went heavy and he rocked his hips gently, taking the pleasure she was giving him. “Keep talking.”
“I like when you’re so deep that I feel these bumping against me.” She slid her hand down further and cupped his balls, running the tip of her finger on the sensitive spot underneath.
He lowered his head and groaned, his arm muscles flexing. “I’m going to need to record you saying this. I’ll never need to conjure up a fantasy to jerk off to again.”
She grinned, loving that she was getting to him. “How about for your next birthday, I’ll record all my filthy fantasies for you so you can have a library?”
He looked up with a sexy half-smile. “You have enough for a library? Did I mention I love you?”
She would never get tired of hearing those words. “You might’ve mentioned that. I trusted it more when I didn’t have your cock in my hands.”
He grabbed her wrist and pinned the hand she’d been using on him above her head. He leaned down and kissed her. “I love you.”
Warmth spread through her. “I love you back.”
A soft look crossed his face, naked emotion on a normally stoic man, and she fell even harder for him. She’d been okay with loving him and not getting it back. But seeing it there on his face…it stole her breath. Built a place inside her just for him.
She reached up and cupped his jaw with her free hand. “Make love to me.”
He touched the tip of his nose to hers. “That’s the plan, gorgeous. I’m not letting you out of this bed until sunrise. Hope I bought enough condoms.”
When he shifted as if to roll away from her, she
grabbed his shoulder. “No condoms.”
He raised his head, his gaze searching hers. “No?”
She wet her lips and nodded. “You’ve been celibate. I’ve been tested, and I’m on the pill. If you’re okay with it, I don’t want anything between us.”
He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “I can’t imagine anything better.” He smiled. “But you’ll be my first without, so if I come in three seconds, I’m blaming you.”
She laughed as she helped him take off his pants. “Good thing we have all night for do-overs if you screw it up.”
He slid his hand behind her knee and positioned himself against her, the hard heat of him sending the laughter right out of her. “That sounds like incentive to mess up. Over and over and over again.”
“That could definitely get messy.”
“We’ve always been messy, Livvy. That’s what makes it so good.” He bent down to kiss her and guided her legs around his hips. When he entered her, it was like she’d been waiting her whole life for that moment of connection. Yes, this was messy and would get worse. It was temporary. But with him deep inside her, skin to skin, his lips on hers, and the words I love you in her ear, she’d finally found what she’d been searching for.
The woman she wanted to be.
She wasn’t living scared anymore.
chapter
TWENTY-FOUR
Finn watched in silence as Liv positioned one of their former classmates against the fence of Long Acre High’s baseball diamond. Reynaldo Lopez had been a junior and the catcher on the baseball team when he’d gotten caught in the crosshairs at prom. He’d been shot in the stomach and almost hadn’t made it, but now he looked like he could bench-press a Toyota and model for Men’s Fitness.
Liv had told Finn on the way to the shoot that Rey was playing minor league ball and helping run a charity that refurbished playgrounds at low-income schools. Perfect subject for Liv’s revived photography project. Strength out of tragedy. That was the theme. Finn had told her she should just turn the camera on herself. She’d rolled her eyes.
But he had a feeling she knew how much of a badass she was. Hell, they were on Long Acre’s campus again. She wasn’t panicking. She wasn’t avoiding. Instead, she was facing down her biggest fear and tackling the project she’d had to abandon so long ago. His chest swelled with pride. And love.
That feeling didn’t get old. And still terrified him. Even after weeks of I love you’s and shared days, he still got that tight feeling in his chest when he looked at her. Still wondered if he’d done the right thing by staying the summer. But when he pulled her into his arms and kissed her, tumbled her into bed at night, and woke up to her in the morning, he couldn’t bring himself to walk away.
He was running out of time.
He shifted on the bleachers, bracing his arms on his thighs, and tried to push away the dread that had been plaguing him since he’d gotten the email yesterday morning. An email he hadn’t had the guts to tell Liv about yet. Billings was going to be in Austin for meetings and wanted to see Finn this afternoon after he was done.
Flying in tomorrow. Let’s meet up. I’ve got some news that will interest you. Send me a meeting place for later in the day.
Finn had told him where he’d be, but it wasn’t a mystery what the news was about. Billings wouldn’t bother driving all the way out here to tell Finn to his face that he was going to be put on desk duty. They were going to give him the all clear. Billings was coming to give him the good news. Finn would be sent back into the field.
It was what he’d been working toward. What he’d wanted. Why he was here in the first place.
He felt sick inside.
Laughter traveled across the field and made Finn look up. Rey had taken off his shirt and was doing a ridiculous strongman pose. Liv was laughing. A genuine laugh. Finn’s teeth clenched. He wasn’t surprised about the lack of shirt. Liv’s project would show the scars, and Rey’s were on his stomach. Finn had been with her on a number of shoots in the past few weeks. He knew the drill. But a sharp stab of annoyance went through him. The guy could take off his shirt. He didn’t need to flirt.
Rey playfully tapped Liv on the arm with a faux punch, and the annoyance turned into a pit in Finn’s gut. He stood up, ready to insert himself into the situation, show Rey that Liv already had what she needed. But before he took a step, he sat his ass back down, the old bleachers groaning beneath him.
Liv didn’t have what she needed.
What right did he have to be annoyed? Liv was talented and beautiful and smart. He hadn’t offered her anything permanent. Rey could be the type of guy she sought out after Finn was gone. She’d said it herself. She wasn’t ruling out marriage and kids anymore. They weren’t getting any younger. Finn would probably be gone for years again. And there were never any guarantees he’d come back.
Finn closed his eyes, images of Liv with someone else flickering through his mind like his own personal horror movie. Liv calling out some other man’s name in passion. Liv in a white dress for someone else. Liv holding a baby who looked like some other dude. Liv loving someone else.
That was what he should want for her. That was what she deserved. But… He clasped his hands behind his neck, the pain going through him like a rusty knife, twisting, twisting.
He tried to breathe through it. This summer, he’d been so worried about hurting Liv that he’d forgotten she didn’t just lose him—he lost her, too.
For good. Forever.
He couldn’t breathe.
He couldn’t do this.
“Dorsey.” A hand tapped his shoulder. “You taking a nap?”
Finn startled and raised his head, finding T. J. Billings staring down at him, suit wrinkled but salt-and-pepper hair perfectly in place. “Boss?”
Billings curled his lip. “Well, I’m not the fucking tooth fairy.”
“You’re early.”
“Yeah. Got out of the meeting earlier than expected, and you weren’t answering, so I pinged your GPS.” Billings thumped him on the knee. “You’re losing your touch. I shouldn’t be able to sneak up on you like that. Could’ve killed you before you even knew I was here.”
Seeing his boss on the baseball field of his old school was causing a disconnect in Finn’s mind. He didn’t like being surprised, and his head was still spinning, but he managed to slip on a stoic mask. “I’d say this isn’t the kind of town where I’d have to worry about that, but you’re standing on the campus of one of the deadliest school shootings in history, so…guess I should pay more attention.”
Billings glanced toward the school and frowned. “This is it, huh? The reason you signed up for this crazy gig.”
Finn ran a hand over the back of neck where sweat had gathered during his mini-meltdown. “Yeah.”
He’d shared his mission with Billings early on, wanting any chance at tracking down the suppliers of the Long Acre guns. Billings had understood that need for revenge and updated Finn when leads came up. They’d thought Dragonfly had been involved and that Finn would finally get a firsthand shot at his mission, but the group ended up having no link to Long Acre.
Billings cocked his head toward Liv and Reynaldo. “Is that your lady friend?”
Finn looked over, a hollow pang going through him. Lady friend. What did that term even mean? “She’s more than that.”
Billings glanced back at him, frown lines appearing. “Uh-oh. That sounds ominous.”
Finn’s jaw flexed.
“Dorsey, I told you to relax and have a good time, not get attached.”
Finn’s fingers curled against the bleachers. “I’m aware. I didn’t exactly plan to fall in love. Things happen.”
Billings snorted. “Well, word of advice from a thrice-divorced man: it’s not love. Any pretty, willing woman who gives you attention after a long assignment looks like the answer to a
prayer. It’s your dick talking. It’s the loneliness talking. And I promise you, after two months, that’s all you’re feeling. It’ll pass once you’re back out there.”
The dismissive attitude raised Finn’s hackles. “You have no idea what I feel for Liv.”
Billings rubbed the spot between his eyes and sighed. “Look, Dorsey. I’m not trying to be an asshole, but I’m speaking from experience. You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age. And I did this. Came home from a brutal assignment and latched on to a girl I knew from college. It felt like I’d unlocked the key to happiness. It was this woman. So I took a gig pushing paper around and married her.” He shook his head. “Most miserable year of both our lives. She was great and tried to make it work, but I got restless after a few months at home, started feeling like a caged animal, trapped. I made her life hell.
“And I didn’t learn my lesson. Ended up trying two more times before I figured out I’m not wired for that life. Men like you and me don’t do well being out of the action. The adrenaline is addictive. Knowing you’re doing important shit, taking risks, saving people, that’s what fuels us. And when you give it up, you end up resenting the person you gave it up for. It’s not fair to you, and it’s definitely not fair to her. You ready to sit behind a desk all day? Type emails?”
Finn’s gut churned, and he glanced toward Liv. “I don’t know. Maybe.” If it meant coming home to Liv, seeing her face every night, waking up next to her every morning. Hell, he’d spend his life collating and alphabetizing if it meant he could have that. “The people behind the desks do important work, too.”
“Of course they do,” Billings said, his opinion clear. “But are you ready to walk away from the assignment you’ve been waiting for your whole life?”