SnowAngel:
not once i was covered in barf, i don’t. but whatevs, go on.
zoegirl:
so we got to the actual prom and i thought, “at last, now we get to be romantic.” i asked doug if he wanted to dance, and he was like, “sure, sure, in a sec.” and then he *kept* talking to tilman. i mean, he had his arm around me and he kept rubbing my shoulder, but still.
zoegirl:
a slow song came on, and i said, “doug? let’s dance.”
SnowAngel:
i saw you guys out there, you looked cute.
zoegirl:
except for the fact that even though he was pretending to be into it, i could tell that he wasn’t. i asked and asked and asked what was wrong, and finally he said he didn’t really feel like dancing after all. i said, “fine! let’s not, then!” i told him i really didn’t care what we did, and that if he had a preference one way or another, then we should do that.
SnowAngel:
i thought you DID wanna dance.
zoegirl:
i didn’t care *that* much
SnowAngel:
so then what?
zoegirl:
so we walked over to where tilman and pete had been, but they were gone. i asked if he wanted to go find them, and he shrugged. he was still acting all gloomy, and when i asked why, he was like, “now i feel bad that we’re *not* dancing.”
SnowAngel:
oh good grief
zoegirl:
he said, “i feel like you’re too dependent on me, and even though i like that sometimes, sometimes i don’t. if you wanted to dance, we should have danced.”
SnowAngel:
sounds like a no-win situation
zoegirl:
it kills me to think that he thinks i’m so weak i wouldn’t stand up for myself. that i’d change what i felt to suit his needs, even if that meant giving up something i wanted to do.
SnowAngel:
erm …
zoegirl:
but at the same time, maybe i’m afraid i *am* that way a little. i know i let him be too important to me sometimes, but that’s normal, right?
SnowAngel:
well …
zoegirl:
whenever we hang out with tilman and pete, i turn into the biggest blob. i just sit there with a smile pasted on and feel so boring. have you ever had that experience?
SnowAngel:
do you mean boring or bored?
zoegirl:
both! i’m bored by them *and* i, myself, am boring. and now to find out that doug feels the same exact way—that i *am* a big codependent blob—it just sucks!
SnowAngel:
so yr gonna punish him by not talking to him?
zoegirl:
do you have a better plan?
SnowAngel:
no. only …
zoegirl:
only what?
SnowAngel:
nothing, just that sometimes—like in life in general—yr so passive. and i just wondered, i suppose, if that was working for you.
zoegirl:
i’m “passive”?
SnowAngel:
i don’t mean to offend you. i just … i dunno. i don’t even know what i’m talking about.
zoegirl:
i’m not passive, angela. name one time (other than prom) that i’ve ever been passive!
SnowAngel:
you don’t wanna go there, zo. trust me.
zoegirl:
???
SnowAngel:
i’m gonna stop talking before i get myself into trouble!!!
Sun, Apr 9, 1:45 PM E.D.T.
zoegirl:
angela says i’m passive. can you believe that?
zoegirl:
i told her to give me an example, just one, and she couldn’t. that says it all, don’t you think?
mad maddie:
the whole jana deal—that’s what she was talking about. i mean, if yr curious. but she didn’t wanna get into it because she thinks there’s no point.
zoegirl:
i don’t understand
mad maddie:
plus she’s mad at me for going to santa cruz, which is ridiculous. the two things are totally not related.
zoegirl:
what two things?
mad maddie:
well … i’m not supposed to tell you, but i will.
mad maddie:
angela thinks jana stole our power cuz we haven’t been a united front. cuz even tho she and i fought back against her, you never did.
zoegirl:
oh
mad maddie:
and add to that the fact that i’m leaving for california … and you’ll be leaving for either princeton or kenyon …
mad maddie:
she thinks her whole world is crashing down.
zoegirl:
because we’re going to different colleges? she’s always known we’d be going to different colleges!
mad maddie:
if everything else was going well, maybe she could handle it. but as it is, it’s just 1 more thing that’s out of her control.
zoegirl:
and the other thing that’s out of her control …
mad maddie:
… is jana. so she’s turned it into this passion play, with us on one side and jana on the other. and in her mind, jana came out on top.
zoegirl:
let me see if i’ve got this straight. angela thinks jana robbed us of our power because in her mind i haven’t stood up for the three of us. and doug thinks i’m needy and weak because i wouldn’t stand up for myself.
mad maddie:
wow. when you put it that way …
zoegirl:
i’m feeling even more depressed than i already was.
mad maddie:
i wanted you to know what was going on, that’s all.
zoegirl:
and now i do
mad maddie:
just don’t tell angela i told you!!!
Sun, Apr 9, 9:18 PM E.D.T.
zoegirl:
i’ve spent all afternoon thinking, and you know what? angela’s right.
mad maddie:
ah, zo. i felt really bad after that last text. you didn’t need that shit on top of your whole fight with doug.
mad maddie:
how r things with him, btw? have you talked?
zoegirl:
i set my cell to voicemail, and i turned the ringer off our landline. that way, even if he does call, i won’t know.
mad maddie:
yr still pissed?
zoegirl:
more like embarrassed that he would see me as so … spineless.
mad maddie:
all he made was that 1 comment. he still loves you, zo.
zoegirl:
don’t try to downplay it when you know there’s truth to it. you personally have told me 5,000 times that i’m under doug’s thumb.
mad maddie:
i never said under his thumb
zoegirl:
the worst part is, i don’t know how it happened. i was gutsy last year, wasn’t i? when you made me parade thru the mall with marshmallows on my nipples?
zoegirl:
what happened to that girl?!
mad maddie:
two words: doug came back
mad maddie:
wait, that’s three. lemme try again: doug returned.
zoegirl:
no, because doug was still in town when i did the marshmallow dare. remember?
mad maddie:
yeah, but then he did his Sea the World thing, and when he came back it was a whole new ball game.
zoegirl:
???
mad maddie:
you became pod girl. maybe you didn’t mean to, but you did.
zoegirl:
no i didn’t
zoegirl:
i did?
mad maddie:
before he left, the power b/w you
guys was equal. maybe even in your favor, since he was head-over-heels for you and you were kinda resisting. but then he came back, and he was so much more wordly and confident, and for some reason you let that matter. you fell into the role of letting him call the shots.
zoegirl:
but that’s pathetic
mad maddie:
you were all, “oh doug, what is life w/o you? yr soooo important to me!”
zoegirl:
okay, i get the picture
mad maddie:
angela and i wished you’d snap out of it, but you didn’t.
zoegirl:
okay! i get the picture!
mad maddie:
it actually helped me when it came to going to santa cruz, tho. cuz in my head i was like, “i love zoe, but i refuse to BE zoe,” in terms of the whole neediness thing.
zoegirl:
great, i’m glad i could be of service
mad maddie:
as for the jana thing, it’s more of the same. more of you saying, “i’ll just study and be stressed and hang out with doug, and nothing else matters.”
mad maddie:
that’s what angela meant by you being passive.
zoegirl:
well that’s why i’m texting. if i’m going to stop being passive—if i’m going to get jana back once and for all—then i need your help.
mad maddie:
ha! yr cute.
zoegirl:
i’m serious, mads
mad maddie:
for real?
zoegirl:
what do you mean, “for real”? of course for real!
mad maddie:
it’s just that
zoegirl:
just that what?
zoegirl:
i can’t believe i’m finally willing to do something and you’re telling me not to!
mad maddie:
i’m not telling you NOT to … i just don’t know if it’s worth it, frankly.
zoegirl:
why???
mad maddie:
jana didn’t “steal” our power. it’s not your job to steal it back.
zoegirl:
except that it is!
zoegirl:
look at the facts: JANA SLEPT WITH LOGAN. jana had SEX with angela’s ex-boyfriend, who at the time *wasn’t* her ex, for the sole sake of messing with her. you know it’s true!
mad maddie:
well … yes
zoegirl:
and she planted rumors about me and angela … and put sex ads about you on craigslist … and put a dead bird in angela’s jeep! a dead bird—how sick is that?
mad maddie:
pretty frickin sick
zoegirl:
and throughout it all i sat there and did nothing, because that’s me, do-nothing-girl. BUT NO MORE.
mad maddie:
ok, fine
mad maddie:
so what r you gonna do?
zoegirl:
well, that part i don’t know yet. but i’ll think of something!
mad maddie:
yes ma’am, non-passive zoe
zoegirl:
don’t be sarcastic
mad maddie:
me???
mad maddie:
hey, i’m outta here. i’m meeting ian at starbucks.
zoegirl:
oh good—ian needs some quality maddie-time. i feel so bad for him, spending prom alone while you babysat angela!
mad maddie:
yeah, wasn’t that lovely?
zoegirl:
and see? that’s just one more example of my being a lame friend. i should have been there. i should have been helping out.
zoegirl:
did you tell angela about how ian got the DJ to play “my girl” for you?
mad maddie:
why? it would just make her feel bad.
zoegirl:
it breaks my heart to think of you sitting there, wiping away angela’s vomit, when the song came on. and ian looking everywhere but not finding you!
mad maddie:
and—don’t forget—he’d found out only two hours earlier that i for sure wouldn’t be going to UGA with him.
zoegirl:
that is *so* sad
mad maddie:
do you know why he requested that song? he told me later that it was to say, “it’s gonna be ok, let’s just enjoy this night, you’ll always be mine regardless of where we end up.”
zoegirl:
oh, mads!
mad maddie:
yeah. well.
mad maddie:
i don’t wanna keep him waiting, so i’m gonna go!
Mon, Apr 10, 10:12 AM E.D.T.
SnowAngel:
there’s a new sheriff in town, and her name is zoe barrett.
mad maddie:
she’s on a mission, man. i tried to talk her out of it, but no go.
SnowAngel:
what?!
SnowAngel:
i’m loving the fact that she has finally grown a spine. LOVING it. don’t you dare talk her out of it!
mad maddie:
she was not to be dissuaded, so chill.
SnowAngel:
i feel bad about doug, tho
SnowAngel:
a while ago she told me that she really really needs praise, and i think the opposite is true, too. if someone tells her she’s “bad” in some way—like doug suggesting that she depends on him too much—she takes it waaaaay hard.
mad maddie:
i know. she obsesses over it.
mad maddie:
ack—ms. hathoway’s coming over. i’m supposed to be entering quiz grades for her. sayonaras!
Tues, Apr 11, 5:15 PM E.D.T.
mad maddie:
hiya, zo. get your history assignment done?
zoegirl:
hold on, just have to type the very last …
zoegirl:
done.
zoegirl:
what’s up?
mad maddie:
saw you talking to doug today. you guys all mended?
zoegirl:
i don’t know. he knows he hurt my feelings, and he’s being very sweet to try and make up for it. like leaving notes in my locker and meeting me after class.
zoegirl:
but even though he’s being so nice, i feel like i have to keep a wall up between us … otherwise he’s gonna think i’m too “dependent” on him again.
mad maddie:
a LITTLE dependent’s ok. just not whole hog.
zoegirl:
his side of things is that it was prom, it was a party, he wanted to hang with his friends *and* be with me. i’m like, yeah, i get that. but at the same time i’m thinking, “we made love for the first time 24 hours earlier. LESS than 24 hours earlier! shouldn’t that count for something?”
zoegirl:
but i can’t SAY that, because … you know.
mad maddie:
too dependent
zoegirl:
yeah
mad maddie:
have you made any progress with your jana plan?
zoegirl:
yes, actually! because when i work on that i *don’t* feel loserish. in my head i’m like, “see? i can be brave. i can take action.”
mad maddie:
and what form has that action taken?
zoegirl:
to be honest, no actual action yet. but here is my brilliant idea: steal jana’s car!
mad maddie:
pardonay moi?
zoegirl:
not STEAL it steal it. just borrow it … and then leave it at a sex addicts anonymous meeting!
mad maddie:
oh, zoe, yr priceless
zoegirl:
i know! it’s perfect! sex addicts anonymous, that’s *so* jana. she’ll be humiliated just like angela!
mad maddie:
sigh. must i always be the lone sage in the wilderness?
z
oegirl:
huh?
mad maddie:
how are you gonna “borrow” her car, zo? and say you do manage to get your paws on the heapmobile. do you actually have a sex addicts meeting in mind to drop it off at?
zoegirl:
well …
mad maddie:
and how is jana gonna know that’s where it is, so that she can go retrieve it and be humiliated?
zoegirl:
i guess i would
zoegirl:
somebody could just
mad maddie:
mmm-hmm
zoegirl:
don’t say that! it’s a great plan!