You are inside. Inside you are.
His father coughed. He drank from his cup. Inside, he said.
They sat for a long time.
She's in a play or somethin over there.
Yeah. I know.
The boy reached and got his hat off the floor and put it on his knee. I better get back, he said.
You know I thought the world of that old man, dont you?
The boy looked out the window. Yeah, he said.
Dont go to cryin on me now.
I aint.
Well dont.
He never give up, the boy said. He was the one told me not to. He said let's not have a funeral till we got somethin to bury, if it aint nothin but his dogtags. They were fixin to give your clothes away.
His father smiled. They might as well of, he said. Only thing fit me was the boots.
He always thought you all would get back together.
Yeah, I know he did.
The boy stood and put on his hat. I better get on back, he said.
He used to get in fights over her. Even as a old man. Anybody said anything about her. If he heard about it. It wasnt even dignified.
I better get on.
Well.
He unpropped his feet from the windowsill. I'll walk down with you. I need to get the paper.
They stood in the tiled lobby while his father scanned the headlines.
How can Shirley Temple be getting divorced? he said.
He looked up. Early winter twilight in the streets. I might just get a haircut, he said.
He looked at the boy.
I know how you feel. I felt the same way.
The boy nodded. His father looked at the paper again and folded it.
The Good Book says that the meek shall inherit the earth and I expect that's probably the truth. I aint no freethinker, but I'll tell you what. I'm a long way from bein convinced that it's all that good a thing.
He looked at the boy. He took his key out of his coatpocket and handed it to him.
Go on back up there. There's somethin belongs to you in the closet.
The boy took the key. What is it? he said.
Just somethin I got for you. I was goin to give it to you at Christmas but I'm tired of walkin over it.
Yessir.
Anyway you look like you could use some cheerin up. Just leave the key at the desk when you come down.
Yessir.
I'll see you.
All right.
He rode back up in the elevator and walked down the hall and put the key in the door and walked in and went to the closet and opened it. Standing on the floor along with two pairs of boots and a pile of dirty shirts was a brand new Hamley Formfitter saddle. He picked it up by the horn and shut the closet door and carried it to the bed and swung it up and stood looking at it.
Hell fire and damnation, he said.
He left the key at the desk and swung out through the doors into the street with the saddle over his shoulder.
He walked down to South Concho Street and swung the saddle down and stood it in front of him. It was just dark and the streetlights had come on. The first vehicle along was a Model A Ford truck and it came skidding quarterwise to a halt on its mechanical brakes and the driver leaned across and rolled down the window part way and boomed at him in a whiskey voice: Throw that hull up in the bed, cowboy, and get in here.
Yessir, he said.
IT RAINED all the following week and cleared. Then it rained again. It beat down without mercy on the hard flat plains. The water was over the highway bridge at Christoval and the road was closed. Floods in San Antonio. In his grandfather's slicker he rode the Alicia pasture where the south fence was standing in water to the top wire. The cattle stood islanded, staring bleakly at the rider. Redbo stood staring bleakly at the cattle. He pressed the horse's flanks between his bootheels. Come on, he said. I dont like it no bettern you do.
He and Luisa and Arturo ate in the kitchen while she was gone. Sometimes at night after supper he'd walk out to the road and catch a ride into town and walk the streets or he'd stand outside the hotel on Beauregard Street and look up at the room on the fourth floor where his father's shape or father's shadow would pass behind the gauzy window curtains and then turn and pass back again like a sheetiron bear in a shooting-gallery only slower, thinner, more agonized.
When she came back they ate in the diningroom again, the two of them at opposite ends of the long walnut table while Luisa made the service. She carried out the last of the dishes and turned at the door.
Algo mas, senora?
No, Luisa. Gracias.
Buenas noches, senora.
Buenas noches.
The door closed. The clock ticked. He looked up.
Why couldnt you lease me the ranch?
Lease you the ranch.
Yes.
I thought I said I didnt want to discuss it.
This is a new subject.
No it's not.
I'd give you all the money. You could do whatever you wanted.
All the money. You dont know what you're talking about. There's not any money. This place has barely paid expenses for twenty years. There hasnt been a white person worked here since before the war. Anyway you're sixteen years old, you cant run a ranch.
Yes I can.
You're being ridiculous. You have to go to school.
She put the napkin on the table and pushed back her chair and rose and went out. He pushed away the coffeecup in front of him. He leaned back in the chair. On the wall opposite above the sideboard was an oilpainting of horses. There were half a dozen of them breaking through a pole corral and their manes were long and blowing and their eyes wild. They'd been copied out of a book. They had the long Andalusian nose and the bones of their faces showed Barb blood. You could see the hindquarters of the foremost few, good hindquarters and heavy enough to make a cuttinghorse. As if maybe they had Steeldust in their blood. But nothing else matched and no such horse ever was that he had seen and he'd once asked his grandfather what kind of horses they were and his grandfather looked up from his plate at the painting as if he'd never seen it before and he said those are picturebook horses and went on eating.
HE WENT UP the stairs to the mezzanine and found Franklin's name lettered in an arc across the pebbled glass of the door and took off his hat and turned the knob and went in. The girl looked up from her desk.
I'm here to see Mr Franklin, he said.
Did you have an appointment?
No mam. He knows me.
What's your name?
John Grady Cole.
Just a minute.
She went into the other room. Then she came out and nodded.
He rose and crossed the room.
Come in son, said Franklin.
He walked in.
Set down.
He sat.
When he'd said what he had to say Franklin leaned back and looked out the window. He shook his head. He turned back and folded his hands on the desk in front of him. In the first place, he said, I'm not really at liberty to advise you. It's called conflict of interest. But I think I can tell you that it is her property and she can do whatever she wants with it.
I dont have any sayso.
You're a minor.
What about my father.
Franklin leaned back again. That's a sticky issue, he said.
They aint divorced.
Yes they are.
The boy looked up.
It's a matter of public record so I dont guess it's out of confidence. It was in the paper.
When?
It was made final three weeks ago.
He looked down. Franklin watched him.
It was final before the old man died.
The boy nodded. I see what you're sayin, he said.
It's a sorry piece of business, son. But I think the way it is is the way it's goin to be.
Couldnt you talk to her?
I did talk to her.
What did she say
?
It dont matter what she said. She aint goin to change her mind.
He nodded. He sat looking down into his hat.
Son, not everbody thinks that life on a cattle ranch in west Texas is the second best thing to dyin and goin to heaven. She dont want to live out there, that's all. If it was a pay in proposition that'd be one thing. But it aint.
It could be.
Well, I dont aim to get in a discussion about that. Anyway, she's a young woman and my guess is she'd like to have a little more social life than what she's had to get used to.
She's thirty-six years old.
The lawyer leaned back. He swiveled slightly in the chair, he tapped his lower lip with his forefinger. It's his own damned fault. He signed ever paper they put in front of him. Never lifted a hand to save himself. Hell, I couldnt tell him. I told him to get a lawyer. Told? I begged him.
Yeah, I know.
Wayne tells me he's quit goin to the doctor.
He nodded. Yeah. Well, I thank you for your time.
I'm sorry not to have better news for you. You damn sure welcome to talk to somebody else.
That's all right.
What are you doin out of school today?
I laid out.
The lawyer nodded. Well, he said. That would explain it.
The boy rose and put on his hat. Thanks, he said.
The lawyer stood.
Some things in this world cant be helped, he said. And I believe this is probably one of em.
Yeah, the boy said.
AFTER CHRISTMAS she was gone all the time. He and Luisa and Arturo sat in the kitchen. Luisa couldnt talk about it without crying so they didnt talk about it. No one had even told her mother, who'd been on the ranch since before the turn of the century. Finally Arturo had to tell her. She listened and nodded and turned away and that was all.
In the morning he was standing by the side of the road at daybreak with a clean shirt and a pair of socks in a leather satchel together with his toothbrush and razor and shavingbrush. The satchel had belonged to his grandfather and the blanketlined duckingcoat he wore had been his father's. The first car that passed stopped for him. He got in and set the satchel on the floor and rubbed his hands together between his knees. The driver leaned across him and tried the door and then pulled the tall gear-lever down into first and they set out.
That door dont shut good. Where are you goin?
San Antonio.
Well I'm goin as far as Brady Texas.
I appreciate it.
You a cattlebuyer?
Sir?
The man nodded at the satchel with its straps and brass catches. I said are you a cattlebuyer.
No sir. That's just my suitcase.
I allowed maybe you was a cattlebuyer. How long you been standin out there?
Just a few minutes.
The man pointed to a plastic knob on the dash that glowed a dull orange color. This thing's got a heater in it but it dont put out much. Can you feel it?
Yessir. Feels pretty good to me.
The man nodded at the gray and malignant dawn. He moved his leveled hand slowly before him. You see that? he said.
Yessir.
He shook his head. I despise the wintertime. I never did see what was the use in there even bein one.
He looked at John Grady.
You dont talk much, do you? he said.
Not a whole lot.
That's a good trait to have.
It was about a two hour drive to Brady.
They drove through the town and the man let him out on the other side.
You stay on Eighty-seven when you get to Fredericksburg. Dont get off on Two-ninety you'll wind up in Austin. You hear?
Yessir. I appreciate it.
He shut the door and the man nodded and lifted one hand and the car turned around in the road and went back. The next car by stopped and he climbed in.
How far you goin? the man said.
Snow was falling in the San Saba when they crossed it and snow was falling on the Edwards Plateau and in the Balcones the limestone was white with snow and he sat watching out while the gray flakes flared over the windshield glass in the sweep of the wipers. A translucent slush had begun to form along the edge of the blacktop and there was ice on the bridge over the Pedernales. The green water sliding slowly away past the dark bankside trees. The mesquites by the road so thick with mistletoe they looked like liveoaks. The driver sat hunched up over the wheel whistling silently to himself. They got into San Antonio at three oclock in the afternoon in a driving snowstorm and he climbed out and thanked the man and walked up the street and into the first cafe he came to and sat at the counter and put the satchel on the stool beside him. He took the little paper menu out of the holder and opened it and looked at it and looked at the clock on the back wall. The waitress set a glass of water in front of him.
Is it the same time here as it is in San Angelo? he said.
I knew you was goin to ask me somethin like that, she said. You had that look.
Do you not know?
I never been in San Angelo Texas in my life.
I'd like a cheeseburger and a chocolate milk.
Are you here for the rodeo?
No.
It's the same time, said a man down the counter.
He thanked him.
Same time, the man said. Same time.
She finished writing on her pad and looked up. I wouldnt go by nothin he said.
He walked around town in the snow. It grew dark early. He stood on the Commerce Street bridge and watched the snow vanish in the river. There was snow on the parked cars and the traffic in the street by dark had slowed to nothing, a few cabs or trucks, headlights making slowly through the falling snow and passing in a soft rumble of tires. He checked into the YMCA on Martin Street and paid two dollars for his room and went upstairs. He took off his boots and stood them on the radiator and took off his socks and draped them over the radiator beside the boots and hung up his coat and stretched out on the bed with his hat over his eyes.
At ten till eight he was standing in front of the boxoffice in his clean shirt with his money in his hand. He bought a seat in the balcony third row and paid a dollar twenty-five for it.
I never been here before, he said.
It's a good seat, the girl said.
He thanked her and went in and tendered his ticket to an usher who led him over to the red carpeted stairs and handed him the ticket back. He went up and found his seat and sat waiting with his hat in his lap. The theatre was half empty. When the lights dimmed some of the people in the balcony about him got up and moved forward to seats in front. Then the curtain rose and his mother came through a door onstage and began talking to a woman in a chair.
At the intermission he rose and put on his hat and went down to the lobby and stood in a gilded alcove and rolled a cigarette and stood smoking it with one boot jacked back against the wall behind him. He was not unaware of the glances that drifted his way from the theatregoers. He'd turned up one leg of his jeans into a small cuff and from time to time he leaned and tipped into this receptacle the soft white ash of his cigarette. He saw a few men in boots and hats and he nodded gravely to them, they to him. After a while the lights in the lobby dimmed again.
He sat leaning forward in the seat with his elbows on the empty seatback in front of him and his chin on his forearms and he watched the play with great intensity. He'd the notion that there would be something in the story itself to tell him about the way the world was or was becoming but there was not. There was nothing in it at all. When the lights came up there was applause and his mother came forward several times and all the cast assembled across the stage and held hands and bowed and then the curtain closed for good and the audience rose and made their way up the aisles. He sat for a long time in the empty theatre and then he stood and put on his hat and went out into the cold.
When he set out in the morning to get his breakfast it was still dark and the temperature stood
at zero. There was half a foot of snow on the ground in Travis Park. The only cafe open was a Mexican one and he ordered huevos rancheros and coffee and sat looking through the paper. He thought there'd be something in the paper about his mother but there wasnt. He was the only customer in the cafe. The waitress was a young girl and she watched him. When she set the platter down he put the paper aside and pushed his cup forward.
Mas cafe? she said.
Si por favor.
She brought the coffee. Hace mucho frio, she said.
Bastante.
He walked up Broadway with his hands in his coatpockets and his collar turned up against the wind. He walked into the lobby of the Menger Hotel and sat in one of the lounge chairs and crossed one boot over the other and opened the paper.
She came through the lobby about nine oclock. She was on the arm of a man in a suit and a topcoat and they went out the door and got into a cab.
He sat there for a long time. After a while he got up and folded the paper and went to the desk. The clerk looked up at him.
Have you got a Mrs Cole registered? he said.
Cole?
Yes.
Just a minute.
The clerk turned away and checked the registrations. He shook his head. No, he said. No Cole.
Thanks, he said.
THEY RODE TOGETHER a last time on a day in early March when the weather had already warmed and yellow mexicanhat bloomed by the roadside. They unloaded the horses at McCullough's and rode up through the middle pasture along Grape Creek and into the low hills. The creek was clear and green with trailing moss braided over the gravel bars. They rode slowly up through the open country among scrub mesquite and nopal. They crossed from Tom Green County into Coke County. They crossed the old Schoonover road and they rode up through broken hills dotted with cedar where the ground was cobbled with traprock and they could see snow on the thin blue ranges a hundred miles to the north. They scarcely spoke all day. His father rode sitting forward slightly in the saddle, holding the reins in one hand about two inches above the saddlehorn. So thin and frail, lost in his clothes. Looking over the country with those sunken eyes as if the world out there had been altered or made suspect by what he'd seen of it elsewhere. As if he might never see it right again. Or worse did see it right at last. See it as it had always been, would forever be. The boy who rode on slightly before him sat a horse not only as if he'd been born to it which he was but as if were he begot by malice or mischance into some queer land where horses never were he would have found them anyway. Would have known that there was something missing for the world to be right or he right in it and would have set forth to wander wherever it was needed for as long as it took until he came upon one and he would have known that that was what he sought and it would have been.