“It doesn’t.”
“He said he thought it was something like that. He said he didn’t understand how you could do such a thing, but that it was your problem. He said he was grateful to the Tehkohn for saving the settlement no matter what…you had done.”
Alanna laughed without humor. “I wonder how he manages to separate the two in his mind. He didn’t say a word to me just now. He pretended I wasn’t there.”
“Lanna, go talk to your father.”
“You should catch your wagon,” said Alanna. “The Lorenz boy is halfway to the woods with it.”
“Good-bye, Lanna.”
“Good-bye.” Oddly, neither of them seemed inclined to touch the other now. They gazed at each other for a long moment, then turned and left each other—Neila to catch her wagon, Alanna toward where Jules stood watching the wagons and people fall slowly into line.
He ignored her for several seconds, and she could feel his tenseness growing.
“What is it?” he asked finally.
“I came to say good-bye.”
It was the first time she had ever been relieved to see a look of pain cross his face. It told her, at least, that she could still reach him. He did not hate her—yet.
“How can you have veered so far from all that we tried to teach you—wanting to stay here and never see one of your own kind again.”
“Don’t think I like seeing you go—except for your own sake, of course.”
“You should be going with us.”
“You know I can’t.”
“He would let you go if you made him understand that you belonged with your own people.”
She managed a wry smile. “I doubt that. Anyway, I don’t want to leave him.”
“Then you are damned.” There was a hollow sound to his voice. The pain on his face seemed to intensify. She knew him well enough to realize that he was not just mouthing dogma as his followers sometimes did. He meant what he was saying. “You might be forgiven for what you were forced to do. But to consort voluntarily with a…a…”
“A human being,” she said. “You know how human they are.”
“Physically humanlike, perhaps. But spiritually…what god do they worship?”
“…none.”
“On Earth, even the most primitive of savages recognize some supreme being or beings, some power higher than themselves.”
“That might be true—on Earth.”
“Only animals were completely without spiritual beliefs.”
“On Earth!” And perhaps not even there. She wished she knew more Earth history. He might bend if she could show him that he was wrong in even one Earth instance.
He sighed. “It may even be that God set the Kohn here to test us, try our faith.”
She realized then that nothing she could say would alter his beliefs. She felt herself growing angry at his stubbornness, and she knew that she should leave him now, but she could not.
“Once you told the people they were wrong to condemn me for my differences,” she said. “Can you be so certain that you’re right to condemn the Kohn for theirs?”
“Their own history condemns them. They have never had spiritual beliefs. Never felt any part of themselves reach out to something greater. Perhaps that’s because like animals, they lack the part that would reach out. Perhaps they don’t have souls.”
And her anger seized her, ice cold. “That is foolishness. You know it is. Souls! When have you seen your own soul—that you’re so certain you have one? And for that matter, when have you seen your God?”
It was a mistake. She knew that before the words were out, but she had not been able to hold them back. She and Jules glared at each other in open hostility until she spoke again. “You know Diut is a man, as you are a man. Otherwise, how could I have borne his child?”
He hit her. He had never done such a thing before. He seemed surprised that he had done it now. She had not moved except as the blow moved her. She stood looking at him.
“Good-bye, Lanna.”
Her anger drained away and she looked at him sadly. “For a while, I was your daughter. Thank you for that anyway.”
He turned and walked away.
She stayed where she was, following him with her eyes until she could not see him past the unshed tears. A few moments later, Diut came over, looked at her, put his good arm around her, and led her out of the gate and around to where most of his Tehkohn waited.
Octavia E. Butler, Survivor
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