"You'll have to send us a copy." Spiritwind nibbled a bhaji as he surveyed.
"Send you a copy? Why, it'll be on a loop in the foyer of the museum dedicated to the tale of your victory."
"Okay. I'll catch it there then."
Spon considered a double-take at the bald man's casual nature, but thought it not worth the effort. "So, I'll be over behind the pillar marked with the faint purple smear, filming everything. Bear that in mind for any throws or posturing you wish to do; monologues too."
"Throws? What will we be throwing?" Brick felt it was his duty to know.
"Why, your opponent of course." Spon continued to flourish with his arms.
"Our opponent; where's an opponent come from? We've been nice to everyone, haven't we?" Brick looked at Spiritwind.
"You annoyed that girl in the bakers." Spiritwind had to be honest.
"I still maintain that was her problem. It's not my fault the signs are so confusing."
"What's confusing about 'four sausage rolls for two pound'?"
"The point is do you think we've been lured here to batter a baker's assistant?" Brick had a point, at last.
"Probably not."
"Of course not, you'll be defeating the mighty Hugo Cortizone." Spon raised his arms. Brick and Spiritwind expected an explosion would erupt behind him in the final edit.
"Oh. Hugo Cortizone you say." Brick and Spiritwind looked at each other, then back at their gurning cocktail barman, then back to Spon.
"Of course, it won't really be him. Dollop is disguised as him." Spon pointed to another boulder. A red, lycra clad arm waved from behind it.
"I wish you'd mentioned this sooner, Spon." Brick could see only calamity ahead.
"I wanted it to be a surprise. So, you'll enter from the pillar with the green chalk upon it, chattering about your success in conquering the Earth and how you're off to the next conquest. Then when you go to board your ship, Hugo will step out from his pillar, and the show begins. Sound good?"
"Wondrous."
"He summed it up." Spiritwind pointed at Brick.
"So, back to your corners and come out whenever you're ready." Spon ushered the duo back towards their staff, clapping excitedly as he disappeared behind his purple marked pillar, ready for filming.
"Bozo, Schmuk. Things may be about to get a little fist fruity, but don't worry. We know you're ready to lay down your lives for your glorious masters, but just hold back. It's all under control." Bozo and Schmuk had no problem with doing nothing. It had been the best lesson their bosses had taught them; however Spiritwind had a slight concern about Harry Jalapeno, their cocktail barman.
"What do we do when Hugo sees Hugo?"
"Sit back and see what happens."
"Good plan. Would you like a bhaji?" It was all Spiritwind could muster as the script threatened to implode.
Contents
Chapter Forty One
"It's nice to be told we're walking into a trap for once." Brick thought out loud as the heroic duo wandered in to the stone circle.
"I think this could turn out be a series of traps. I've lost count of how many missions are going on." Spiritwind tucked in to a toasty.
Brick began trying to count the pseudonyms and double crosses that had been woven into their simple night out. The ponderous look to the sky did nothing but divert his attention towards a hovering bird as Spiritwind searched for their escape craft.
"Magic, give us a clue, buddy." Spiritwind whispered to the entire hill, unsure of where Magical Causality had positioned himself. Invisibility was incredibly useful for masking your presence, but terrible when your owners struggled to remember where they'd left their faces.
A hiss and a clunk emerged from the left. A brief flash of an armchair was allowed to be seen. It spurred Spiritwind in to speech mode. He pointed his cheese laden toast towards the purple marked pillar and spoke, methodically.
"Come, Dag. We can leave this planet, safe in the knowledge it is ours to return to and cause untold mischief upon, at will." Spiritwind sat down on an invisible seat with a trusting thud.
Brick stopped staring upwards, and searched for the bold man that had just spoke. Seeing Spiritwind grinning and nodding back to him, he responded with his own mechanical, role-play response. "Indeed." He followed his friend to their craft.
Equally trustingly, Brick fell back towards an invisible armchair, inevitably passing straight through the air and onto his back. As he sat up, the disguised Dollop emerged.
"Any return you wish to make presumes you'll ever leave." Dollop stood heroically, fists on hips and chin pointing to the sky, the realisation that profound monologues were harder than they appeared dawning upon him, and adding a little respect for Hugo and his verbal fluidity.
Spiritwind again turned towards the filming pillar as his chair lifted him nearer the entrance of his craft. He had to crouch in his seat to deliver the whole sentence. "Hugo Cortizone. I'm glad you could make it to your demise." A thumb popped up from behind the boulder. Spon approved of the bald man's retort.
"It's easy for you to be hard, you're about to escape." Brick shouted up to his friend, panicking to find a chair as Dollop bound towards him.
"I'll be back round in a minute."
"Your friend abandons you, as does the luck that has seen your success. Prepare for reality to strike back." Dollop felt it was definitely an improvement. Pleased with the patter he thrust a punch down towards the still scrabbling Brick.
Brick's gymnastic instincts, a complimentary part of the grade five package, took over, back-flipping him ten feet away from danger. Dollop paused. He'd never seen Evil use such dexterity, in fact he'd only ever seen such manoeuvres from heroes. It appeared the genes they shared with their Good twins stretched beyond simple tactics.
As the ponderous henchman turned to face his opponent, a whistle shot through the air. A Spiritwind shaped blur cut the atmosphere, hit the floor, and rolled perfectly to stand by his partner's side.
"How did you do that?" Brick was impressed.
"No idea; only meant to stand up."
Spon was mesmerised, feeling the balance of power trickling towards Evil with every somersault.
Dollop ran at the duo. Both leapt effortlessly over his head, throwing in a few extra spins for no reason other than it made them look good. Spiritwind's mid-air pause for a lick of his lolly was outright excessive.
As the heroes continued to demonstrate their circus skills of avoidance, the real Hugo continued to quiz Nicole and Suzy about what Other Brick and Other Spiritwind had that he didn't. His list of comparisons was growing tiresome.
"......can they bench press a kaleidoscope tree? Wrestle a family of killer seals? Out-mystery a planet of shadows?...."
"......You really should be more concerned with what's going on over there." Nicole couldn't take it anymore and pointed to the melee. Hugo turned.
Initially dismissing the scene, he gazed upon it further, squinting in disbelief as realisation entered his mind. He looked at Nicole with an open mouth. No words were ready to come out for what felt like a minute.
"By flippers and kittens, is that me?"
"It looks like it." Nicole was pleased to have moved the conversation along.
"But......Then.......Where.......When......." Hugo uttered nothingness as he hypnotically strolled towards the battle, passing in to the stone circle.
Nicole nudged Suzy to suggest things were about to get interesting while Other Brick and Other Spiritwind sat down on the edge of the arena. Spon focused his camera on the wandering figure in genuine intrigue, and Bum nearly rolled out of his bushel in eagerness. He didn't have a clue what was going on but thought Other Brick and Other Spiritwind had arranged an intriguing spectacle.
After running head first into a fourth pillar, due to Brick and Spiritwind's perfectly timed evasive flips, Dollop turned with a growing sense of haze and confusion. Seeing a white tuxedo wearing, cocktail barman approaching, didn't throw him as much as it would do und
er normal circumstances.
"You are Hugo Cortizone?" Hugo wanted to understand.
"Autographs later son, for now you need to stand back while I do the work of Good. I'm just proud to be its tool." Perhaps a few knocks to the head were the key to heroic patter.
As his eyes straightened, Dollop recognised the friend he'd made back at the pub. "Harry Jalapeno? What are you doing here?"
"You have made a fatal error, friend, for I know Harry Jalapeno has never met the beyond awesome Hugo Cortizone; for Harry Jalapeno, is Hugo Cortizone." Hugo unzipped the back of his costume, releasing the full ten foot frame it had been concealing. Dollop took a step back. Spon dropped his camera. Bum nearly fainted. Yakkety continued to talk about pixies.
"You! Again!" Dollop reverted to simplistic, Evil patter as the pair circled each other. "And I thought we were friends, Jalapeno." The reveal of who Harry really was only strengthened Dollop's belief that they were the same people underneath all the farce. Their disguises had allowed them to bond in genuine friendship.
"Have we met? Who is behind that mask of skeletal perfection?" Hugo tensed, instantly straightening out any crumples and folds his lycra had been subjected to in the tiny suit. Catching Dollop's eye, a pained memory he hadn't noticed back at The Cloak and Dagger hinted at the truth, a glimmer of the once loved soul of Fayre Maiden trickling forth.
"Oh we've met, three times. Twice I've taken away a nostril, and once I left with your heart." Slowly the aged henchman pulled back the facial hood, revealing his scarred features. Hugo blinked, staring not only into Dollop's face but his own heartache.
Brick and Spiritwind sensed their part in the fight was over and roly-polyed their way to the opposite side of the circle to get comfortable and secure a good view.
Hugo touched his own nose and the prosthetic nostrils he'd been left with, then his chest which had never fully recovered. "Fayre Maiden?"
"We've been through the technicalities of this, but for the purposes of drama and succinctness, yes."
Realisation turned to fury in Hugo's eyes, the anger turned into a head butt aimed straight at Dollop's nose. The henchman moved, leaving a knee in place to strike the oncoming torso. Hugo winced but spun to continue his pursuit. Grabbing for Dollop's face, Dollop caught the hero's arms and directed his momentum towards the pillar Spon hid behind. The Chancellor had retrieved the camera and filmed a perfect close up of Mr Cortizone striking the obelisk.
Dollop had the upper hand, a position he'd been in before, but not with such ease. He remembered all the times he'd paused to allow Hugo to compose himself and plot victory, and did something Evil did not teach: he learnt from his mistakes. Without hesitation Dollop leapt at the hero, landing blow after blow and repeatedly thrusting him head first in to the stone pillar. Nicole and Suzy watched on, unsure whether this was all part of Brick and Spiritwind's master plan and if they should jump in at any point. They followed Brick and Spiritwind's lead and held back. Bozo and Schmuk weren't paid enough to try and work out whose side they should be on. They had their orders to stay out of things and were happy to obey.
"That's definitely going to fall." Brick commented on the slab of mountain that Dollop continued to thrust Hugo's face into. A horizontal line had appeared around five feet up, and deepened with each strike.
"Indeed. The question is how many people will be under it when it does?"
"Good does normally have a way of avoiding such things. Part of the package I believe." Brick tried to sound knowledgeable, he just sounded vague.
"However, I think the lines between Good and Evil are duly smudged in this tale." Spiritwind nibbled philosophically on a cracker.
"Then I guess we'll just have to see what the universe has decided."
A thud with an echo of a crack rang out across the hill as the rock became two, one balancing precariously upon the other. Each attack jolted the upper portion slightly nearer the edge as the brawling pair battled upon its destined landing spot. Spon skipped to the next pillar along, to avoid being revealed when the slab finally fell, keeping the lens focused firmly on Hugo.
As much as Dollop had been lost in vengeance, his control and clarity remained. He'd spotted the wobbling rock and the consequences it held for the pair, and allowed Hugo's limp body to fall to the floor, facing the sky. The hero's eyes were closed, suggesting unconsciousness, but suggestion had no place in such battles of the righteous. Certainty was the only foundation any victory can be built upon.
Dollop sat across the chest of his foe, holding back his latest blow, breathing heavily as he studied at his quandary. He wasn't convinced that Hugo could be defeated so easily. The past lit up his mind, reminding him of all the times he'd celebrated only to be reeled back to a crushing defeat. This time would be different.
Glancing upwards, the henchman could see the rock had reached a point where physics would no longer hold it in place. It tilted towards him, picking up momentum as the shadow it cast fell across both he and his bounty, yet still he held his position, pinning Hugo to the ground. The old him would have stood up by now, declaring victory and turning his back to his enemy, laughing to nobody in particular, but he knew Good had last second timing to perfection.
With the crushing weight looming, mere moments from impact, the new, wiser Dollop leaned in and whispered to his defeated enemy. "Finally, victory over you is mine."
"Not so fast." Hugo's eyes popped open in true Cortizone fashion. "The only finality is......"
The sentence remained incomplete as Dollop rolled to his left at the final second, leaving Hugo to take the full force of the falling slab. The hero hadn't anticipated Dollop leaving no time for a witty comeback and a final manoeuvre. It was bad etiquette, but as the shaped boulder split into untold pieces across the slain body of all that was right, Dollop had no apology to offer.
Turning back towards his old enemy, ready to defend himself should Hugo have survived, Dollop was stunned to see the worshipped hero genuinely unconscious and covered in fragments of Spon's scenery. The Chancellor continued to film in silence, he'd captured it all.
Dollop slowly stood and looked down on the rubble in disbelief, panting heavily, joined by Spon. "Did I, I just beat Hugo Cortizone?" The distant and long held thump of vengeance in his heart reduced itself to a murmur, promising to stop interfering with the rhythm of his daily thoughts.
"I think you did." Shocked silence swept across the hill. "Although I may have to edit it to look like they did." Spon was unapologetic in his motive as he zoomed in on the seated Brick and Spiritwind.
"Whatever Evil needs."
The hill and its occupants began to realise something monumental had just occurred, except for Yakkety who suddenly realised 'Uncle' Temerity wasn't actually related to anyone in his family. They wandered towards the cloud of dust with one question in mind: Was this really the end of a legend?
Contents
Chapter Forty Two
Spon continued to film the fallen idol, using the zoom to full effect, still unsure how his plan had ended with the genuine Hugo Cortizone unconscious. What was he even doing here? Did the rest of the universe know he supplemented his hero wage with casual bar work? Answers would have to wait for the excitement and shock to dissipate, or to be speculated on wildly as they added to the mystery and legend of Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload.
The rest of the hill had been drawn to the body. Nicole and Suzy stood with Other Brick and Other Spiritwind, Other Brick felt sure he was forgetting to do something.
Dollop remained disbelieving of the truth that lay before him, a lightness wishing to enter his soul and remove the knots that had plagued him, but held back in fear of the twist he was sure had to be coming.
Brick and Spiritwind had sauntered across from their seats and completed a disjointed line of puzzlement as Bozo and Schmuk stood a few feet back, peering over everybody's shoulders, oblivious to the underlying politics that were unfolding.
"This isn't supposed to happen, is it? I mean in t
he grand scheme of the universe." Brick raised a point.
"Not at all; you've broken the spell of heroics. Not only have you managed to lure the real Hugo Cortizone here through unfathomable narrative, but you lured him to humiliation. I knew you were special, but this is beyond any dreams I'd dared consider. Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload: future legends indeed." Spon held the camera on the ground and filmed upwards to accentuate their height, turning the grain setting to maximum. He wished to give the pair a tusk or two in the final edit. Plus, he knew footage of rare events had to be of debatable quality or they would be instantly dismissed as set up in a studio.
"Was this part of your plan?" Nicole whispered towards Brick, pointing at the unconscious Hugo, her mind filled with endless adoration for the extra twist they'd added without telling anyone. They were writing new layers of heroics without even trying.
"Sort of." Brick always felt whatever happened was part of the plan.
"Are you two just going to stand there?" Bum wrestled himself into the circle, tearing off his mask to minimal impact as he did. Jiggery and Yakkety sidled towards Bozo and Schmuk. All four were still disguised as the drinking and wrestling buddies that had spent the last few days in the pub. They let on with a nod of familiarity and waited to see what would happen next.
Other Brick turned round. He sensed he was being spoken to.
"Yes, you; you haven't tried to stop them once." Bum continued to vent, a corkscrew popping from his arm in fury.
"I'm not entirely sure why you have a problem with me, or where you've been hiding such a useful tool. You must be incredibly popular at parties." Other Brick was entirely distracted by the false arm.
"Bum-Raa, what are you doing here?" Spon stepped forward, removing his own disguise as he did so. Nobody gasped at the walnut-headed man. They sensed they may need it for revelations yet to come. These things always grew in shock value.
"I'm here on a personal mission from your boss; although I could ask the same question of you, Vice Chancellor. This is clearly favouritism." Bum placed his hands on his hips, ready to release an evil chortle.
"I see news has not reached you of Chancellor Doolally's disappearance."