Miss Frost was a woman with an erect posture and broad shoulders, though it was chiefly her small but pretty breasts that got my attention. In seeming contrast to her mannish size and obvious physical strength, Miss Frost's breasts had a newly developed appearance--the improbable but budding look of a young girl's. I couldn't understand how it was possible for an older woman to have achieved this look, but surely her breasts had seized the imagination of every teenage boy who'd encountered her, or so I believed when I met her--when was it?--in 1955. Furthermore, you must understand that Miss Frost never dressed suggestively, at least not in the imposed silence of the forlorn First Sister Public Library; day or night, no matter the hour, there was scarcely anyone there.
I had overheard my imperious aunt say (to my mother): "Miss Frost is past an age where training bras suffice." At thirteen, I'd taken this to mean that--in my judgmental aunt's opinion--Miss Frost's bras were all wrong for her breasts, or vice versa. I thought not! And the entire time I was internally agonizing over my and my aunt's different fixations with Miss Frost's breasts, the daunting librarian went on giving me the aforementioned penetrating look.
I'd met her at thirteen; at this intimidating moment, I was fifteen, but given the invasiveness of Miss Frost's long, lingering stare, it felt like a two-year penetrating look to me. Finally she said, in regard to my wanting to read Great Expectations again, "You've already read this one, William."
"Yes, I loved it," I told her--this in lieu of blurting out, as I almost did, that I loved her. She was austerely formal--the first person to unfailingly address me as William. I was always called Bill, or Billy, by my family and friends.
I wanted to see Miss Frost wearing only her bra, which (in my interfering aunt's view) offered insufficient restraint. Yet, in lieu of blurting out such an indiscretion as that, I said: "I want to reread Great Expectations." (Not a word about my premonition that Miss Frost had made an impression on me that would be no less devastating than the one that Estella makes on poor Pip.)
"So soon?" Miss Frost asked. "You read Great Expectations only a month ago!"
"I can't wait to reread it," I said.
"There are a lot of books by Charles Dickens," Miss Frost told me. "You should try a different one, William."
"Oh, I will," I assured her, "but first I want to reread this one."
Miss Frost's second reference to me as William had given me an instant erection--though, at fifteen, I had a small penis and a laughably disappointing hard-on. (Suffice it to say, Miss Frost was in no danger of noticing that I had an erection.)
My all-knowing aunt had told my mother I was underdeveloped for my age. Naturally, my aunt had meant "underdeveloped" in other (or in all) ways; to my knowledge, she'd not seen my penis since I'd been an infant--if then. I'm sure I'll have more to say about the penis word. For now, it's enough that you know I have extreme difficulty pronouncing "penis," which in my tortured utterance emerges--when I can manage to give voice to it at all--as "penith." This rhymes with "zenith," if you're wondering. (I go to great lengths to avoid the plural.)
In any case, Miss Frost knew nothing of my sexual anguish while I was attempting to check out Great Expectations a second time. In fact, Miss Frost gave me the impression that, with so many books in the library, it was an immoral waste of time to reread any of them.
"What's so special about Great Expectations?" she asked me.
She was the first person I told that I wanted to be a writer "because of " Great Expectations, but it was really because of her.
"You want to be a writer!" Miss Frost exclaimed; she didn't sound happy about it. (Years later, I would wonder if Miss Frost might have expressed indignation at the sodomizer word had I suggested that as a profession.)
"Yes, a writer--I think so," I said to her.
"You can't possibly know that you're going to be a writer!" Miss Frost said. "It's not a career choice."
She was certainly right about that, but I didn't know it at the time. And I wasn't pleading with her only so she would let me reread Great Expectations; my pleas were especially ardent, in part, because the more exasperated Miss Frost became with me, the more I appreciated the sudden intake of her breath--not to mention the resultant rise and fall of her surprisingly girlish breasts.
At fifteen, I was as smitten and undone by her as I'd been two years earlier. No, I must revise that: I was altogether more captivated by her at fifteen than I was at thirteen, when I'd been merely fantasizing about having sex with her and becoming a writer--whereas, at fifteen, the imagined sex was more developed (there were more concrete details) and I had already written a few sentences I admired.
Both the sex with Miss Frost and actually being a writer were unlikely, of course--but were they remotely possible? Curiously, I had enough hubris to believe so. As for where such an exaggerated pride or unearned self-confidence came from--well, I could only guess that genes had something to do with it.
I don't mean my mother's; I saw no hubris in her backstage role of the prompter. After all, I spent most of my evenings with my mom in that safe haven for those variously talented (and untalented) members of our town's amateur theatrical society. That little playhouse was not a uniformly prideful or brimming-with-confidence kind of place--hence the prompter.
If my hubris was genetic, it surely came from my biological father. I was told I'd never met him; I knew him only by his reputation, which didn't sound great.
"The code-boy," as my grandfather referred to him--or, less often, "the sergeant." My mom had left college because of the sergeant, my grandmother said. (She preferred "sergeant," which she always said disparagingly, to "code-boy.") Whether William Francis Dean was the contributing cause of my mom leaving college, I didn't really know; she'd gone to secretarial school instead, but not before he'd gotten her pregnant with me. Consequently, my mother would leave secretarial school, too.
My mom told me that she'd married my dad in Atlantic City, New Jersey, in April 1943--a little late for a shotgun wedding, because I'd been born in First Sister, Vermont, back in March of '42. I was already a year old when she married him, and the "wedding" (it was a town-clerk or justice-of-the-peace deal) had been chiefly my grandmother's idea--or so my aunt Muriel said. It was implied to me that William Francis Dean hadn't entered into the marriage all that willingly.
"We were divorced before you were two," my mom had told me. I'd seen the marriage certificate, which was why I remembered the seemingly exotic and far-from-Vermont location of Atlantic City, New Jersey; my father had been in basic training there. No one had shown me the divorce records.
"The sergeant wasn't interested in marriage or children," my grandmother had told me, with no small amount of superiority; even as a child, I could see that my aunt's loftiness had come from my grandmother.
But because of what happened in Atlantic City, New Jersey--no matter at whose insistence--that certificate of marriage legitimized me, albeit belatedly. I was named William Francis Dean, Jr.; I had his name, if not his presence. And I must have had some measure of his code-boy genes--the sergeant's "derring-do," in my mom's estimation.
"What was he like?" I'd asked my mother, maybe a hundred times. She used to be so nice about it.
"Oh, he was very handsome--like you're going to be," she would always answer, with a smile. "And he had oodles of derring-do." My mom was very affectionate to me, before I began to grow up.
I don't know if all preteen boys, and boys in their early teens, are as inattentive to linear time as I was, but it never occurred to me to examine the sequence of events. My father must have knocked up my mother in late May or early June of 1941--when he was finishing his freshman year at Harvard. Yet there was never any mention of him--not even in a sarcastic comment from Aunt Muriel--as the Harvard-boy. He was always called the code-boy (or the sergeant), though my mom was clearly proud of his Harvard connection.
"Imagine starting Harvard when you're just fifteen!" I'd heard her say more than once.
But if my
derring-do dad had been fifteen at the start of his freshman year at Harvard (in September 1940), he had to be younger than my mother, whose birthday was in April. She was already twenty in April of '40; she was just a month short of twenty-two when I was born, in March of '42.
Did they not get married when she learned she was pregnant because my dad was not yet eighteen? He'd turned eighteen in October 1942. As my mom told me, "Obligingly, the draft age was lowered to that level." (I would only later think that the obligingly word was not a common one in my mother's vocabulary; maybe that had been the Harvard-boy talking.)
"Your father believed he might better control his military destiny by volunteering for advanced induction, which he did in January 1943," my mom told me. (The "military destiny" didn't sound like her vocabulary, either; the Harvard-boy was written all over it.)
My dad traveled by bus to Fort Devens, Massachusetts--the beginning of his military service--in March 1943. At the time, the air force was part of the army; he was assigned a specialty, that of cryptographic technician. For basic training, the air force had taken over Atlantic City and the surrounding sand dunes. My father and his fellow inductees were bivouacked in the luxury hotels, which the trainees would ruin. According to my grandfather: "No one ever checked IDs in the bars. On weekends, girls--mostly government workers from Washington, D.C.--flocked to town. It was very jolly, I'm sure--the firin' of all sorts of weapons on the sand dunes notwithstandin'."
My mom said that she visited my dad in Atlantic City--"once or twice." (When they were still not married, and I would have been a one-year-old?)
It was together with my grandfather that my mother must have traveled to Atlantic City for that April '43 "wedding"; this would have been shortly before my dad was sent to air force cryptographic school in Pawling, New York--where he was taught the use of codebooks and strip ciphers. From there, in the late summer of '43, my father was sent to Chanute Field in Rantoul, Illinois. "In Illinois, he learned the nuts and bolts of cryptography," my mother said. So they were still in touch, seventeen months after I'd been born. ("Nuts and bolts" was never big in my mom's vocabulary.)
"At Chanute Field, your dad was introduced to the primary military cipher machine--essentially a teletype, with an electronic set of cipher wheels attached to it," my grandfather told me. He might as well have been speaking in Latin; quite possibly, not even my missing father could have made the functions of a cipher machine comprehensible to me.
My grandfather never used "code-boy" or "sergeant" disparagingly, and he enjoyed reciting to me my dad's war story. It must have been as an amateur actor in the First Sister Players that my grandfather had developed the capacity for memorization necessary for him to recall such specific and difficult details; Grandpa was able to reiterate to me exactly what had happened to my dad--not that the wartime work of a cryptographer, the coding and decoding of secret messages, was entirely uninteresting.
The U.S. Fifteenth Army Air Force was headquartered in Bari, Italy. The 760th Bomb Squadron, of which my father was a member, was stationed at the Spinazzola Army Air Base--on farmland south of the town.
Following the Allied invasion of Italy, the Fifteenth Army Air Force was engaged in bombing southern Germany, Austria, and the Balkans. From November 1943 till September 1945, more than a thousand B-24 heavy bombers were lost in this combat. But cryptographers didn't fly. My dad would rarely have left the code room at the base in Spinazzola; he spent the remaining two years of the war with his codebooks and the incomprehensible encryption device.
While the bombers attacked the Nazi factory complexes in Austria and the oil fields in Romania, my dad ventured no farther than Bari--mainly for the purpose of selling his cigarettes on the black market. (Sergeant William Francis Dean didn't smoke, my mother had assured me, but he sold enough cigarettes in Bari to buy a car when he got back to Boston--a 1940 Chevrolet coupe.)
My dad's demobilization was relatively swift. He spent the spring of '45 in Naples, which he described as "enchanting and buoyant, and awash in beer." (Described to whom? If he'd divorced my mom before I was two--divorced her how?--why was he still writing to her when I was already three?)
Maybe he was writing to my grandfather instead; it was Grandpa who told me that my dad had boarded a navy transport ship in Naples. After a short stay in Trinidad, he was flown on a C-47 to a base in Natal, Brazil, where my father said the coffee was "very good." From Brazil, another C-47--this one was described as "aging"--flew him to Miami. A troop train north dispersed the returning soldiers to their points of discharge; hence my dad found himself back in Fort Devens, Massachusetts.
October 1945 was too late for him to return to Harvard in that same academic year; he bought the Chevy with his black-market money and got a temporary job in the toy department of Jordan Marsh, Boston's largest store. He would go back to Harvard in the fall of '46; his field of concentration would be romance studies, which my grandfather explained to me meant the languages and literary traditions of France, Spain, Italy, and Portugal. ("Or at least two or three of 'em," Grandpa said.)
"Your father was a whiz at foreign languages," my mom had told me--hence a whiz at cryptography, maybe? But why would my mother or my grandpa have cared about my runaway dad's field of concentration at Harvard? Why were these details even known to them? Why had they been informed?
There was a photograph of my father--for years, the only picture I saw of him. In the photograph, he looks very young and very thin. (This was late spring, or early summer, 1945.) He's eating ice cream on that navy transport ship; the photo was taken somewhere between the coast of southern Italy and the Caribbean, before they docked in Trinidad.
I'm guessing that the black panther on my father's flight jacket captured all or most of my childish imagination; that angry-looking panther was the symbol of the 460th Bomb Group. (Cryptography was strictly a ground-crew enterprise--even so, cryptographers were issued flight jackets.)
My all-obscuring fixation was that I had something of the war hero in me, though the details of my dad's wartime exploits were not very heroic-sounding--not even to a child. But my grandfather was one of those World War II buffs--you know, the kind who finds every detail intriguing--and he was always telling me, "I see a future hero in you!"
My grandmother had next to nothing positive to say about William Francis Dean, and my mother began and (for the most part) finished her evaluation with "very handsome" and "oodles of derring-do."
No, that's not entirely true. When I asked her why it hadn't worked out between them, my mom told me that she'd seen my dad kissing someone. "I saw him kiss someone else," was all she said, as perfunctorily as she might have prompted an actor who'd forgotten the else word. I could only conclude that she'd observed this kiss after she was pregnant with me--possibly, even after I'd been born--and that she saw enough of the mashed-lips encounter to know that it wasn't an innocent sort of kiss.
"It must have been a Frenchy, a tongue-down-the-throat job," my elder cousin once confided to me--a crude girl, the daughter of that imperious aunt I keep mentioning. But who was my dad kissing? I wondered if she'd been one of those weekend girls who flocked to Atlantic City, one of those government workers from Washington, D.C. (Why else had my grandfather mentioned them to me?)
At the time, this was all I knew; it was not a lot to know. It was more than enough, however, to make me mistrust myself--even dislike myself--because I had a tendency to attribute all my faults to my biological father. I blamed him for every bad habit, for each mean and secretive thing; essentially, I believed that all my demons were hereditary. Every aspect of myself that I doubted or feared surely had to be one of Sergeant Dean's traits.
Hadn't my mom said I was going to be good-looking? Wasn't that a curse, too? As for the derring-do--well, hadn't I presumed (at age thirteen) that I could become a writer? Hadn't I already imagined having sex with Miss Frost?
Believe me, I didn't want to be my runaway dad's offspring, his genetic-package progeny--knocking up yo
ung women, and abandoning them, left and right. For that was Sergeant Dean's modus operandi, wasn't it? I didn't want his name, either. I hated being William Francis Dean, Jr.--the code-boy's almost-a-bastard son! If there was ever a kid who wanted a stepfather, who wished that his mother at least had a serious boyfriend, I was that kid.
Which leads me to where I once considered beginning this first chapter, because I could have begun by telling you about Richard Abbott. My soon-to-be stepfather set the story of my future life in motion; in fact, if my mom hadn't fallen in love with Richard, I might never have met Miss Frost.
BEFORE RICHARD ABBOTT JOINED the First Sister Players, there was what my domineering aunt referred to as a "dearth of leading-man material" in our town's amateur theatrical society; there were no truly terrifying villains, and no young males with the romantic capability to make the younger and the older ladies in the audience swoon. Richard was not only tall, dark, and handsome--he was the embodiment of the cliche. He was also thin. Richard was so thin that he bore, in my eyes, a remarkable likeness to my code-boy father, who, in the only picture I possessed of him, was permanently thin--and forever eating ice cream, somewhere between the coast of southern Italy and the Caribbean. (Naturally, I would wonder if my mother was aware of the resemblance.)
Before Richard Abbott became an actor with the First Sister Players, the males in our town's little theater were either incoherent mumblers, with downcast eyes and furtive glances, or (the equally predictable) overbearing hams who shouted their lines and made eyes at the easily offended, matronly patrons.
A notable exception in the talent department--for he was a most talented actor, if not in Richard Abbott's league--was my World War II buff grandfather, Harold Marshall, whom everyone (save my grandmother) called Harry. He was the biggest employer in First Sister, Vermont; Harry Marshall had more employees than Favorite River Academy, though the private school was surely the second biggest employer in our small town.
Grandpa Harry was the owner of the First Sister Sawmill and Lumberyard. Harry's business partner--a gloomy Norwegian, whom you will meet momentarily--was the forester. The Norwegian oversaw the logging operations, but Harry managed the sawmill and the lumberyard. Grandpa Harry also signed all the checks, and the green trucks that hauled the logs and the lumber were inscribed, in small yellow capitals, with the name MARSHALL.